Watching You
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Look at her, she looks like an angel, she's more noble than a goddess, and her words reach deep down into my soul and tug at my heart. Everyday I see her pass me, smile at me as I pretend to ignore her. I watch her from afar and I always think of me and her..what if? But that will never happen...never..
Because I continue to build up a wall around me, as she stands outside waiting for me to let her in...But the wall has no door...I imagine that, but the truth is that I've built up a wall, with no one waiting outside...not now..not ever...
I watch her everyday, hell, the only reason I go to this school is to see her face. Every time I see her smile my heart flutters, and every time she looks my way, I turn away, pretending to talk to my friends. When our eyes meet at glances, she turns away, as if she were...scared..
I see guys talk to her, I see her smile at them, and I feel my heart burn. I go on everyday as if nothing is different with me, and as if my life is all the same. Same motion on the outside, everyone in my life just see's me going on with it but I see myself change with every motion she makes.
When I look at myself, I see that I'm too tied in to let this go, let her go. I try to escape this web, but she's now my everything and I can't let it be. I watch skanky girls wink my way, trying to get my attention, I stare at them,just wishing it was her. I shake with anger as every night I think about her, about me, and these feelings. Who cares? Why does this happen to me? All questions that pop up everyday of my life.
As I watched one day, waiting for her to appear with her friends, there was no sign of her. My stomach knotted and I felt the urge, the need to know where she was. I walked toward her friends and bumped into them.
"Tch. Losers." I said. I knew that they would make me stop and shout at me..I was right.
"Hey! Look who's talking!" One of them screamed at me.
I turned around slowly, as if in showing no care.
"W-what happened to the queen of you l-losers..?" They almost noticed me stutter.
"WELL, She's in the hospital, NO THANKS TO YOU!" She screamed as they walked away. Hospital? Since when? What..happened? I felt my head spin as I ran out of the school. I wanted to go and see her, heal her, protect her so bad. But then she would realize that I loved her and I could only see her laughing at me. How could I even compare to her? I stayed at home for the next few days, thinking. I had never thought over things this much. After a long weekend, I decided that I would go back to school, and after school, I was going to confess, no matter what she says. I just needed to let out my feelings. It's not like I wouldn't stop loving her if she rejected me.
I arrived at school to see a pretty normal day. I walked towards my first class. As I entered, I saw many teared faces and I wanted to know what happened.
I found out soon enough.
Last night she had...
perished was the word the teacher used...
everything exploded inside of me.
she died...
she died...
she died...
It kept on repeating in my head. I let it sink in but I didn't feel anything. I felt
nothing...emptiness.. It felt like I died along with her when I heard that...Like someone had stabbed me in the heart.
At her funeral I watched as people cried over her death and I walked over to the casket. I watched over her limp body and pale face. I couldn't believe she was dead. But it didn't look like she was going to get up anytime soon. Someone came up behind me and asked me for my name. I answered and he gave me a book. A diary. I opened it. It was hers.
Why'd she give it to me? I flipped through the pages and and I read everything.
Everything was about me. She had actually loved me. She had really loved me like I did her. I went through all of the pages and as I came to the last entry, I read it carefully.
I know I really love him and all I really want is to be with him.
But everyone knows I'll never confess, that I'll never tell.
Their right. Cause I'm a coward.
There was no more after that. I closed the book and held it tight. I held it like all these emotions held onto me, like it was her.
I closed my eyes, waiting for emotions to pour, for tears to flow. But there was...nothing...just emptiness. I opened my eyes and walked away from her. That was the last time I'll ever see her. That's the last time I'll see anybody.
I watched down from the roof as everyone left the building. I left no note. I didn't need one. She wasn't there to read it..so they didn't need to know why. I clutched the diary tightly as my feet started to slip.
You were wrong. You weren't the coward. I am.
And he fell.
Good? Not enough angst? Too much? Bad? I need to delete? Tell me in a review. Well, this is my first attempt at angst...so just like...its not going to be too good...but I thought it was fairly OK