Title Certain Expectations
Author The Musical Jedi
Timeframe Between TPM and AOTC
Characters Anakin, OCs
Genre Humor
Notes Written for the Dare Challenge on TF.N. This was my dare:
Grobbolobba the Hutt wants to become a Jedi. Write a story detailing some of the trials and tribulations he experiences during his new life at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant
Must include:
- A scene where Grobbolobba and a female Twi'lek Jedi agonize over their inability to consummate their love due to the constraints of Jedi life.
- An Ewok pontificating on the virtues of rustic, primitivist life on Endor as opposed to world-spanning Coruscanti urban civilization.
- The line, "Now that's what I call Hutt Ease!"
- The appearance of a golden bikini.
- The words: gastropod, brackish and disproportionableness
So I did. Words are in bold. Many, many thanks to AlexisWingstar for her beta!
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I thought I was done with Hutts.
I had certain expectations when I left Tatooine and Obi-Wan told me I was going to be a Jedi. One of them was that I would never come into contact with another Hutt again. I mean, they don't come to the Core and they would certainly never ask for a Jedi's help.
I didn't even know Grobbolobba was in the Temple until a couple years ago. He must have been in some other section – or I guess he was in with the initiates. I never did stay in their dorm. I was shocked when I turned the corner, and there was a young, brilliantly green Hutt. Obi-Wan yelled at me later for the unkind – and he claims untrue – things I said, but I think the punishment was worth it. I mean, Hutts as Jedi? Give me a break.
The gastropod didn't even seem to fit in well. Take for example, sabers class. He wasn't full-grown yet, so he didn't move that quickly. He couldn't execute simply flips, and the poor being wasn't ever good enough to qualify for the contests they sometimes held! I know he always does well in his classes, especially negotiations, but I just can't see it.
Then we started having the same classes. I wasn't sure I could take that. Grobbo has this brackish smell to him, and every time I get too close, it makes me want to gag. I think it's a bad association kind of thing, though – like we talked about in Multi-Species Psych – because Gardulla used to smell the same way when Mom and I had to go in front of her. I was always terrified that she would sell one of us or tell me I couldn't race any more. Anyway, I think that Grobbo's master should make him bath more often. Ugh! The smell always lingers behind as well, so if he has a class before you, you can tell where he sat.
And then he met Avi Neaalan.
Avi was a rare Lethan Twi'lek, and if you want my opinion, I think that was the reason Grobbo liked her so much. They met through their masters, and it was lust at first sight. They were pretty much inseparable for the first few weeks, until their masters realized what was going on. After that, they were still inseparable – just not out in the open.
I found them a few weeks later in a spare parts closet off the droid lab. By the way, Twi'leks really are as flexible as they say, if you've ever wondered that yourself. Avi was twined around Grobbo in such a way the image has seared to my brain, never to be forgotten. I opened the door, turned the same color as Avi, and closed it with a muttered apology. Needless to say, I lost my interest in working on my project that day. Grobbo found me later, and I heard the Hutt's complaints about how difficult it was to live the proper Jedi Way. He loved Avi so much, and every time he touched her, he got such a feeling in his mantle he didn't know how he was going to restrain himself. After that discussion, I had my own feeling in the pit of my stomach, although I think Obi-Wan would have been proud of how I restrained myself. I guess after that, and because I didn't run to their masters, Grobbo thought I was a real friend. He went on to tell me about how he and Avi had exchanged holographs. Apparently she got this golden bikini by mail order from somewhere that she sported in the graph she gave him. All I could think about was her wrapped around the disproportionableness that was Grobbo.
And then Avi found me later, and I had to listen to her side of the story! She was distraught as well, almost to the point of considering leaving the Order! I couldn't believe it. I told her if she was thinking about that, they might as well just consummate their love and break the rules. I mean, they'd managed to be picked as Padawans, why give it all up - and in her case, for that? You'd think such a pretty Twi'lek as that would be able to find something better than a Hutt to throw away being a Jedi over. She said she'd think about it, but I got the feeling that Avi wasn't going to break the rules. I just hope she doesn't decide to leave the Order either.
Although if she left, maybe Grobbo would follow…
I discovered later that I wasn't the only one who had an encounter like that. I heard from another Padawan, Mai, that he'd also found the pair in a compromising position. "Now that's what I call Hutt Ease," he'd sniggered at the end of his story, much to the amusement of the other Padawans. I'd just felt sick to my stomach, thinking of all the worse things Grobbo told me later. I guess that's what you get for keeping other people's secrets.
I'm hoping it will soon be the beginning of the end for the Hutt though. He got a package from his family the other day. It had all sorts of interesting things in it, which I got to see by apparently being Grobbo's best friend. Mostly it was a bunch of datachips with titles like How to Gain Your Own Planetand Manipulation and You: A Guide to Getting What You Want Now. He decided to sell the whole lot, so I went with him to a market a short way from the Temple. On the way, we ran into an Ewok who was condemning the Coruscanti way of life, as well as "the urban sprawl that will consume us all." I thought he was a pretty impressive orator for an Ewok from the middle of nowhere. At least, that's where he said he was from. I had to wonder, because he was sanctifying the primitive way of life, and it wouldn't look very good if he'd actually grown up in Endortown out in the manufacturing district of Coruscant. Anyway, the Ewok really upset Grobbo, and he stood their listening to the furball for probably 20 minutes, asking him questions about Endor.
I finally got tired of waiting and dragged him away. "Do you really think that it's a better life? That technology will eventually ruin everything we've tried to create?" he kept asking me. "You've lived somewhere other than the Temple. What was it like?"
I shook my head and told him that while I've never been to Endor, I know that Tatooine is about as primitive and rustic as they come. I suggested to him that if he decided to go there, he could always take Avi to that Force-forsaken sand ball and set up a cantina. He got a gleam in his eye – unless of course it was just flatulence or indigestion – and said he would have to think about that.
Of course, knowing my luck, Obi-Wan'll find out about our "friendship" and, thrilled I've finally made one, we'll be paired up with Grobbo and his master until the day I become a knight.
I'm sure this is all Obi-Wan's fault.