.......................................................................
A pretty doll . . . how many times had they said that about him? He often heard them whispering when he was "asleep".
Nataku, he hated this name, because it stands for something that only has a body, not a soul. And because of this name, he did not even know whether what he felt was hate. Any empty body without a soul could not feel hate, nor love, or any other emotions. They often said that too.
They thought that he could not hear anything while he was "asleep". Even he did not know how he heard them. Their voices sounded like deep chanting of ghosts in a nightmare that was slowly making him believe the impossible.
They thought that they were loving him. They did not know that their "love" was poisoning him. He did not need their love, the kind of love that was used on a pretty doll.
Everywhere was cold around him. Fluid, glass cylinders, metal, wires . . . Those were his "mother", what that created him.
Then shouldn't he be just like those, cold and lifeless? Then why was he given a life? No, not a life, only half of it. He knew he could never feel anything deeper than physical pain. Sometimes that is even impossible. He was living. He was living in nothingness. He was empty.
Just like they said, no soul, not emotions, nothing but a pretty doll.
He felt empty.
No, he said to himself, he was empty.
............................................................................
Sometimes when he "fell asleep", he "dreamt" that he had a mother and father. It was so real that he could practically touch them. But he knew they were not his. They were Kazuki's, the girl whom he was created according to.
Who was he? They said that he was created so that Kazuki could "live", but why was he called Nataku?
Because Kazuki and Nataku were different. Kazuki had parents and warmth, something Nataku would never have, and until Nataku finds his own mother and father, he would always be Nataku.
................................................................................
"Nataku."
They were calling him again. Each time he heard that name, it reminded him that he did not have a soul. He must be empty.
"Nataku."
He must be emotionless.
"Nataku, is there no way that you could ever feel emotions?"
He was the first person who smiled at him, a smile so alike to the one Kazuki's father gave to Kazuki. So he was also the first person who called him Kazuki.
Kazuki . . .
It meant that he had a soul, just like everyone else, didn't it? Somehow he liked being called Kazuki. He knew that "Kamui" was not calling the girl whom he was created according to, nor Nataku, the doll.
He was just calling out to him.
So he followed that voice. He did whatever he was told. Perhaps somewhere in his "heart", he knew that he was still a doll, but now, at least he had something he wanted. Just to be called Kazuki, just to stop being Nataku.
He knew that, and only that. The rest of the world meant nothing to him, as he meant nothing to them.
..............................................................................
She told him that he had emotions, only that he thought he did not have any. Was that true? He lay in the debris, brunt everywhere, but he did not care.
She was the first person who told him that he was not empty.
.....................................................................................
He saw her again. He did not wan tot kill her. He did not know why. A slight discomfort in his chest made him so. It did not feel good.
But he had to fight. "Kamui" told him so. He called him Kazuki.
He tried to chase her away, so that he would not need to fight her anymore.
But she smiled, and told him once again that he had emotions, and a heart. A kind heart. She told him that he was only a child. He did not understand, but he wanted to believe her, that what she said was correct.
She smiled again, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He was surprised, but did not pull away. She was warm.
She told him that Kazuki's grandfather loved him. He could not understand. Love was only a word to him, like all others. They hardly mean anything. She also said that he loved "Kamui". She called him Kazuki, so he wanted to believe her.
And then "Kamui" came, and said that his wish had changed.
He protected her instinctively, but "Kamui" told him not to. He called him Kazuki. But she did too. He did not want to let her die, but "Kamui" wanted that. He wanted to stay with "Kamui"; he wanted her to live.
The discomfort in his chest grew, heavier and heavier that he found it suffocating. Was that . . . pain? But he was not injured. It felt different form bleeding.
"You feel confused, and do not know what to do. That's because you have a heart! That's because you are a human being with emotions! Kazuki!"
His heart beat a little faster. The pain was still there, but was slowly overshadowed by the warmth his beating heart provided. He felt warm. He had a heart.
"So just do what this heart tells you to."
He must protect her, then he must defy "Kamui". He did not want to see them fighting, because she would definitely die. What if . . .
Yes, he would keep protecting her, and then "Kamui" would kill him. He was willing to sacrifice his life just that she could live a bit longer; he was willing to die in "Kamui's" hands. He only wanted to die in "Kamui's" hands, because "Kamui" was special to him.
It is always the best to die in the hands of someone you love. Only then, will you totally belong to that person.
He saw tears welling up in her eyes. Tears that she shed for him. Nobody ever did that. He knew his death was worth it, even if it hand just been for a few drops for tears.
His "dreams" returned to his mind, and he could hear Kazuki calling out to her mother. Now he had finally found her, and also the warmth that a mother could bring. It was enough. He knew his life was not empty anymore.
"Kamui's" hand punctured through his chest the next minute.
Tears flowed out of her eyes, unstoppable. Hs smiled. Someone was crying for him, for his death. He felt happiness, even if it hand lasted only the last few seconds of his life.
"Thank you."
Thank you for telling him that he had a heart' tank you for telling him that he could feel' thank you for making him feel; thank you for the tears that you shed.
Thank you for everything.
He was sure that she could understand what he meant, what he tried to say.
He smiled, and closed his eyes.
...................................................................................
Sometimes, death is a relief, especially when you could die in the ands of the one you love most; when you died protecting the one most important to you.
He was created without emotions. At least he died with them. It was more than enough.
...................................................................................
People may say that he was cruel, for destroying so many lives. People may say that he was too gullible, for trusting someone like "Kamui". They say that only because they have warmth, so they can never understand how it feels to be without it. When you have nothing, you will accept anything near warmth that someone offers you. Even if you know he is lying.
It did not matter to him what was right or wrong. He just followed that warmth, wanted that warmth. Others do not have the right to criticize him, for wanting the warmth that would lead him to destruction. That was the only ting the whole human race gave him. Those people who criticized him never gave him anything.
He was allowed to be a little selfish, wasn't he?
There were so many people out there, and all of them expected him to be emotionless, so he became emotionless. They never showed him how to love, so he never knew it. No one saw the need to teach him. They thought he could learn by himself.
But he was only a child.
If only someone showed him some kindness, then maybe he would not have died this way; the short period of warmth he received would not have made so deep an impact in his heart, making him willing to die for it.
But then, his love would not have been half as pure.
He finally felt what others thought was impossible for him – love. Actually, he always had it in him. People just did not care neoguth to see it.
When he died, he did not know her name. When he died, he did not even know the real name of "Kamui", nor who he really was.
Yet he loved them, and that was more than enough.
...................................................................................