The 29th of August in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
My name is Lily Thompson. I don't even know why I'm doing this. Maybe it is because I hope one day that Mother will read it and know how much I love her. I have tried to talk to her but ever since Father came home from The Wall, she hasn't been herself. We used to talk often. She is sad all the time now and I am left to care for Father as best as I can. He can't do much for himself. I feel like I'm talking to a stranger every time I go in there. I know he's my father but I haven't known him for the twelve years that he has been gone. He is a broken and aged man, unable to walk well or lift anything. His right arm is gone and his left hand is so malformed it doesn't open. Sometimes when he smiles at me it seems familiar but I was only six years old when he left New Kanatahseton. I remember a much younger man…
Mother, every day you ask Father when my brother is coming home again. 'He must be a man now,' you say. He was almost a man when he left with Father. Father keeps telling you that he isn't coming home and I know you know what that means. I do. He's dead. There. I've said it. It's the truth, Mother, and I miss him too. Eddie always made chores fun for me and whenever I hurt myself he was the first to lift me up over his head and make me laugh. He was sixteen when he left with Father, which would have made him twenty and eight today. If none of this had happened, maybe he would be married and have some little grandchildren by now. I'm sorry, Mother, but if I can't talk about him with you, I must get it out of me somehow.
Sometimes I wonder how we ended up like this at all. 'Just the wrong place at the wrong time, Lily,' you always said. I remember you shushing me when I said that the King was a mean man for sending Father and Eddie away. You told me He said it was for our protection that He was building a wall, so that bad people couldn't get in and corrupt us. I didn't know what that word meant. I was too little to understand then, but I know now what it means. At times, I think to myself that it is the King who has corrupted us, not the people Outside. I know it's treason to speak such words. It's probably treason to write them down but I don't care anymore. Father is dying, Mother. It won't be long. I wish you would just try. I know he loves you.
The 16th of September in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
Father died last night. Mother didn't get out of bed and I had to pay our closest neighbor with the food we would have eaten tonight to help me dig his grave and move his body into it. It took a long time and I tried to make up for it while harvesting our small field until well past dark. There wasn't much to collect but I made sure I got everything. Even the unripened corn will get something at the market tomorrow. I'm so tired.
The 23rd of September in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I weep as I write this. How can so many terrible things happen to one family? To one person? When I returned from the market the day after Father died, Mother had hung herself from the rafters of our house. It was the most terrible thing I had ever seen! Her face was purple and I had to cut her down with a kitchen knife. I will never forget the sound her body made when she fell to the floor. It was the sound of death. Everything here is death! No one smiles anymore. Winter is coming quickly and I fear it more than anything. How many people will starve this year? It seems like more and more die every winter.
I held Mother in my arms until there were no more tears left in me that day. I had only the little food I could barter for in the market from our pitiful corn harvest and I just had to eat some of it. I couldn't give it away in exchange for help so I dug up Father's grave and buried Mother with him in the same place. It was easier than digging a new grave. May the Lord and King forgive me for it.
In the week since Mother died I have tried to eat as little as possible but I fear for the winter.
The 24th of September in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
My neighbor frightens me. He knows I'm alone in here and I have seen him on our land more than once. Some of the wood I chopped yesterday is gone so I spent time today bringing it all inside. I can't trust anyone, it seems. I took everything inside that I could, including our farm tools and bucket. I'm tempted to bring our little milk goat, Thistle, into the house too but then I would look crazy and it would be very messy.
Sometimes I think about the God Mother used to pray to when she was upset. When the ships stopped coming to Boston, shortly after it was renamed the Port of New Kanatahseton, she used to pray to that God. "For the souls of the lost sailors," she told me. She said that her God was loving and merciful… qualities I don't believe exist in our Lord and King. Again, with my treasonous words. But how can I not feel that way when He requires us to worship him yet seems only to punish his followers with labor and seemingly arbitrary decisions about who gets help? With so many starving, how can He say He is protecting us and guiding us toward freedom? His subjects are dying yet He won't listen to our cries for help! Some of Mother's closest friends have gone to Him in the Palace for aid yet have returned empty handed or not returned at all. The few who return vow they will never go back and describe Him as a God of immense power and mightiness. All who present themselves to Him in petition must bow to the floor and kiss a golden orb. No one is allowed to look upon His face, for they risk death to do so.
Rumors abound that He is a monster with glowing blue eyes and He can transform into any beast He wants. Some say He flies into a rage at the least provocation or sometimes from none at all. I once heard that He killed an entire room full of people by raising His golden orb of power above his head. That is not a God of love and mercy. He isn't a God I want to worship but I am compelled to for my survival. There are many who will report me if I do not say the words. May our Lord and King protect us. May our Lord and King live forever. I have seen people dragged away and executed publicly for refusing. None speak of it afterwards. To speak of the treasonous dead is to risk being condemned by association.
The 3rd of October in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
My food is running low already. I have been trying to only eat one small meal a day and then only water to keep my stomach full but it hurts. I'm hungry all the time but I have to make my food last. I have gone around the town offering to mend clothes in exchange for food but no one is interested. The days are cold and the nights are colder. I snuck Thistle into the house after dark last night. I know it sounds crazy, but I took her into bed with me and it was the warmest I have been in a while. I think she was happy, too. I smell like her now but I don't care.
The 12th of October in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
It snowed today. I had planned on gathering more hay for Thistle but now it's buried under the snow. I can take what extends above the snow line for her but everything else is too wet. It will rot before she can eat it. What have I done? My precious little girl will starve just like me.
The 14th of October in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
My neighbor caught me cutting some dry grass near some rocks on his property. He beat me and threatened to kill me if he ever caught me stealing from him again. He took my sickle, too. Thistle butts my leg and bleats at me because she's hungry. I'm a terrible mother.
The 19th of October in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
Finally, I have a happy thing to write of. The woods around the west side of the village have many oak trees. I decided to break open an acorn and eat it when I was looking for something to feed Thistle. It was bitter but I felt better after. I didn't get sick from it so I went and gathered as many as I could find in my apron. Thistle and I feasted on them that night. I got a stomach ache from it but at least it wasn't hunger pains.
The 1st of November, in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
Winter has truly come early this year. The snow just keeps coming and getting deeper and deeper. I have to warm my hands under my jacket because it is so cold outside. It's hard to find acorns now and Thistle is barely giving any milk. What she does give is dark and bitter. Probably because she has no sweet hay to eat, only bitter acorns.
The 11th of November in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
Today I gathered together everything of Mother's that I could, save her favorite brooch, and took it to the market to sell. I had to do it! I haven't eaten for two days. I got a few small pieces of dried meat, some beans, eight potatoes and three tiny ears of unripe corn. It was a better haul than I was expecting and I think I can make it last for at least a month. Thistle liked the corn and she was upset at me that I only gave her the tip of one ear. I think she understood when I explained to her that it has to last a very long time. She watched as I counted the beans and divided them up into piles of ten. I told her she could have ten beans a day when the corn ran out and I would have a little piece of potato. Once a week, I will eat some dried meat and she can have five extra beans.
The 6th of December in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
We ran out of food today. We ate our last bean at the same time and then crawled into bed. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should travel to the Palace and petition the King for help. But I don't want to leave Thistle here by herself. What if someone steals her while I'm gone? I can't let that happen.
The 9th of December in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I have been thinking a lot. I don't know what kind of monster I am but I've been considering a terrible thing. I think I am going to have to kill Thistle if I'm to survive. If I can just get through the worst snows, I can forage in the woods again but I won't make it without something to eat. I'm a monster. I truly am. Thistle trusts me and I love her but I can't stop thinking about it.
The 11th of December in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I did it. I became the monster I knew I was going to become and it was all for nothing. Thistle's blood still stains my clothes and I'm a hideous, hideous monster. She followed me to the barn, she trusted me! I carried the heavy axe right next to her and she didn't suspect my evil motives. All she did was look at me with her giant brown eyes. I think she loved me until the very last moment when I swung the axe and crushed her skull. At least it was quick. But my horrible neighbor must have seen me. Maybe he heard me crying, I don't know. I hate him! He's more heartless than I am for killing Thistle. He came into the barn as I was butchering my darling pet and grabbed her body. I tried to keep her from him but he hit me and knocked me to the floor. When I got up he dropped poor Thistle and beat me worse than when he had found me cutting the grass on his land. I was too weak to get up after and he took Thistle away. He even took the bucket of her blood that I was going to empty into the stream in place of burying it. Now I have nothing. I hate this place! I hate myself. I promised Thistle I would use all of her to survive the winter and now I'm a liar, too.
Now I have to take the chance of going to the Palace to petition the King tomorrow. I'm frightened. I've never been there before but I know the way. It shouldn't take long to get there, maybe almost a day's walk. If I make it by the end of the day it will still be my birthday. I turn 19 tomorrow. Maybe that will make a difference when I make my petition.
The 13th of December in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I have much to share.
I walked all day to reach the palace and despite the cold, I was relieved to rest for a while outside. At last I was allowed inside and it was warm, so blessedly warm! I felt better once I was inside and I worked at straightening my clothes and hair so I could be presentable. Though we are forbidden to do so, I stole a glance up at the throne. It was far away yet I could see the man, the King, who sat upon the gilded throne. He was younger than I was expecting. I thought I would see a man of at least forty or fifty, yet He appeared to be much younger than that. I assumed it was because of the distance and He wore a strange hat made from the skin of a wolf. The muzzle cast a dark shadow over His face so it was difficult to see Him well. I was exhausted by the time I was allowed to approach the throne. There were many stairs and I thought I would collapse when I reached the first level but I managed to get to the top dais and kneel to kiss the golden orb He held, just as everyone else had done before me.
The king seemed to be oblivious to my presence. He sat slouched and didn't even move as I leaned in close to kiss the golden orb. It was as if He were sleeping. As soon as my lips touched the orb a strange sensation came over me. My entire body prickled and the orb was warm to my lips. It was such an odd feeling and my vision began to dim! I felt myself falling forward in a faint. The next thing I knew, the King was on His feet! He was screaming at me, at all in attendance. I thought my heart would stop so I covered my face and tried to curl into a ball. How could I have let myself touch Him just to stop from falling? What was I thinking? I don't even remember my hand falling on Him but it must have because He went on about my daring to lay a hand on a deity and that I would pay with my life. I was sure my entire existence was done in that moment. The guards grabbed me roughly by my arms and started to drag me away. I no longer had the strength to stand and I just didn't care anymore. What was there worth living for anymore?
But then the King stopped shouting. He bade the guards to bring me forward. They threw me to the ground in front of the King's feet and bowed down on either side of me as He sat back down in His throne. I could feel the cold stone floor under my hands and my body trembled.
The King spoke to me directly. "Look at me," He said. I felt ill. His voice was low and almost smooth yet frightening all the same. What was happening? I lifted my head and could only get as high as His knees before my terror overwhelmed me. His legs were covered in dark hide boots with tassels and hide leggings. His white loincloth hung down from the front of the chair. Those bones that decorate it… Some had said they were the finger bones of His enemies and others had said they were the rib bones. They were broken on each end and sewed one above the other onto His loincloth. I knew He sat forward in the throne because His knees shifted slightly.
"Look… at me." His voice was even lower that time and I forced myself to raise my eyes up His body. He wore a red cloth belt around His muscular waist and His fingers tapped impatiently along the top of the orb that He held resting on the top of His thigh. Strange markings crossed His sides diagonally and also marked His arms underneath the huge steel bands He wore around His massive arms. Leather straps crossed His equally massive chest and, over a thick fur shoulder cover, that wolf hide. From my position below Him, I could see under the shadow of the wolf head. From the darkness, oh, I quake even now remembering! His eyes. They were a frightful shade of blue that glowed as if lit from inside. It was the very same brightness as when a lantern catches the eyes of a night creature and set them alight. Only His were an unnatural hue, something otherworldly and terrifying. The King had tattoos on His face, marking the dark skin of His cheeks, forehead, nose and chin.
From so close… He was indeed far younger than I was expecting. I had no time to dwell on that for He had yet another command for me. This time I watched His mouth form the words.
"Come closer." I wanted to scream. I wanted to run from there because of my fear but to disobey Him is to face death. So I sat up onto my knees and leaned in toward Him. Suddenly He was bending down to me and His hand was in my hair, holding my head so I couldn't look away. My first instinct was to attempt freeing myself from His grip but I managed to stop my hands just short of grasping His wrist. He stared into my face for an eternity, boring into me with His glowing eyes. I felt stripped naked before Him and the feeling only intensified when He leaned me backwards further by my hair and looked down my body. That orb glowed subtly under His fingers and my skin wished to crawl as far away from His touch as possible.
At last He released me and I wanted to weep with relief but my ordeal was not over.
"What is your petition, Lily?" He asked. He knew my name! How was that possible? I stammered out a brief version of my situation, hardly knowing if I was making any sense. To my surprise, He smiled at me in a terrible way and granted me food, warm clothing and a mounted guardsman to transport me back to my cottage to ensure I arrived home safely. With a dismissive gesture, He let me go.
One of the guards, a dark skinned Indian man with very long hair, who had started to drag me away before helped me up most gently and held my arm as I descended the steps. He quietly asked me to wait before leaving me for some time. When he returned, he bore a large bag and a woolen shawl, which he silently draped over me. I thanked him but he gave no response. He led me through the palace to a stable and lifted me up onto the horse he selected. I would have preferred to ride alone but he got on and kept one arm around me the entire trip back. It didn't take as long on a horse. I must have fallen asleep for some of the trip for I remember very little of the night.
When we arrived in the early morning, he asked which man had beaten me and stolen my goat. I did not remember speaking of that but in my exhaustion, I suppose it was possible. I indicated his house and the guardsman helped me down and saw that I entered my house. He lowered the bag of supplies off of his shoulder just inside the door. Instead of getting on the horse and leaving, he walked across the snowy fields toward my neighbor's house. I watched from the window as he knocked on the door. Fear grew in my heart. If he threatened the man, it would only mean more trouble for me. My fears should have been for something else, something darker… When my neighbor answered his door, the guardsman grabbed a club from his hip and bludgeoned him to death. I couldn't move. I didn't dare scream. It seemed the King had given him orders to ensure His gifts would only benefit those whom He chose. The guardsman returned and led his horse to my stable. He did not come out for some hours. I dared not enter the stable to find out why he lingered. At last he did leave, riding away in the afternoon with a few bits of dirty old hay stuck to his uniform and in his hair. It appears he was tired after the ride and murdering my neighbor.
I no longer know what to think of what has transpired. While the threat of having my food taken from me is no longer in existence, it is due to me that a man is now dead. I find only the smallest comfort in knowing my dear Thistle has been avenged but it pales beside the dark horror of its method. I have food enough to last me for some time and some warm items to hold me through the winter but at what cost? What made the King change his mind? Had he truly looked into my soul as it had seemed at the time? Did that orb give him the power to read my mind or to know truth from lies? I'll probably never know.
The 23rd of December in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I find myself back in the King's palace this day. I know not what is happening and I'm terribly frightened. Just this morning I was home and now I'm here. The same guard who brought me home little more than a week ago turned up at my door. He told me the King requested me. Me! He said I should bring things of importance to me for I would be His guest for some days. I had only the clothes I wore, some food and my mother's brooch and this journal. Everything else could keep while I was gone… Or burn. As soon as I had gathered my things the guardsman escorted me over to his horse and took me up onto it as he had before. Two other guardsmen were there with him. They carried lit torches which they threw into the house and barn. I tried to fight the guard but he held me fast and covered my mouth as I screamed. I finally could only watch as my home and everything in it burned. My escort rode away and only by fighting as hard as I could against the man who held me could I see over his shoulder as my burning house disappeared among the trees. I could smell the smoke for hours after the fire was out of sight. I tried to ask why they burned my house but my words were met with silence. Only the beating of my captor's heart against my back and the sounds of his breathing gave away that he was a man and not a stone.
I tried once more to escape him. He had taken his arm from my waist and I had resisted the urge to escape the moment he had first done it. He turned his head to look at something and that is when I leapt sideways from the horse. My sudden movement alerted him and he grabbed for me. We both fell to the ground. Somehow, he lost his hold on me and I managed to get up and start running. The other two guards cut off my escape with their horses. The first guard must have been right behind me because as soon as I tried to turn he had me. He shouted at me to stop fighting as I struggled. He repeated it several times until he had me on my back underneath him and his hair was in my face. It was then that he looked me in the eyes for the first time. To my surprise there was no rage in his dark eyes. I saw a form of kindness and maybe even empathy in them and his face showed concern, not anger. He held my wrists up over my head with only enough strength to keep them there. It was almost as if he didn't really want to have to restrain me.
"Do not fight or I will bind you." He said quietly. When I nodded, he sat back and pulled me up to a sitting position. To my surprise, he let go of my arms, brushed the snow off of my body gently and then helped me to my feet. He took me by my upper arm and I went with him, docile as a lamb, to get back on the horse and finish our journey. He never took his arm from around me after that.
At the palace, I was escorted by my guards directly to the King. They took me past scores of petitioners and when we reached the top dais I started to kneel beside the long haired guardsman. Unsure of what was to become of me, I started weeping at the King's feet. He took my arm just above my elbow and raised me up. His hand was as hot as fire and He drew me near. He pulled me until I stood between His knees but He kept drawing me closer until I was leaning over his body. His face was so close I could smell the scent of him: hides and oiled leather, gunpowder and scorched earth. The odor of fire was potent on him and all I could think of was my burning home. All my memories, both good and bad, had been taken from me. He took them! And then He struck further fear into my heart. He brought his face close to me.
"You have found favor with me, Lily." He whispered those words with His eyes glowing from within. The teeth of His wolf head covering were sharp on my scalp and the heat of His breath rushed past my ear as he spoke. No words have ever drawn such chills of deathly premonition as the ones He spoke to me that moment. I fear my life will be forever changed.
I have to stop and stare from the windows of this room I have been put in. Am I truly a guest? I have never heard of locking a guest inside a room, no matter how sumptuous it is. I have been here for some hours. As soon as the King had spoken His words to me, I was escorted here by the long haired guard and left with two elderly women. Neither of them spoke to me nor answered my questions. They seemed to be without emotion or compassion. Nay, they moved as if they had no will of their own. They took my clothes from me and burned them in the enormous fireplace, every last stitch, only leaving me this journal and my mother's precious brooch. I was made to step into an oversized basin of hot water fixed to the stone floor of an adjacent room and they scrubbed my body until I was cleaner than I can remember ever being. They then dried me off and rubbed scented oil into my skin, soothing the redness I had attained from such vigorous scrubbing. They pinned my hair away from my face but left it hanging down my back. A length of dark blue fabric was wrapped around my body so it flows like a dress. The end of it was looped over my right shoulder to hang down my back to the floor, leaving the other shoulder bare and indecent. Then they left me.
So here I sit. The room I'm in has a huge bed with the softest blankets, four posters and a canopy above. The stone walls are covered in patterned tapestries and there is a black bear fur on the floor beside the bed. There is also a large writing table and two windows that are much taller than they are wide but are only as wide as my spread hand. There is glass in them, the finest I've ever seen. I can clearly see through them and watch the birds soaring in the distance. I am high up. There were many stairs leading here and my guard had had to help me up the last flight.
As I write, the portion of the blue fabric that covers my shoulder keeps falling off. Maybe my mother's brooch will hold it in place. It does. That's much better. I hear the sound of booted footsteps in the hall.
The 23-24th of December in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
Oh, what horrors will come to me next? What am I to do? I'm truly a prisoner of an awful monster in this place. On the outside it appears beautiful and a thing of luxury but it is in actuality a gilded prison! If only I could climb through these windows and jump to my death but alas! They are much too small and I'm far too big. It must have been designed this way intentionally…
How could this be happening? Every sound I hear makes me sick… It could be Him… or a guard coming to take me to Him. I've never been so afraid in my life.
My body still aches from the King's cruelty and I cannot get the smell of Him out of my nose and off of my skin.
But I must start from the beginning. Maybe if I can get it all written down I can begin to sort it out.
I was escorted through the palace to a dining room by that same long haired guard. It seems he has become my personal sentry. I remember the cold tiles beneath my bare feet and the sound of our progress echoing in the empty halls. The King was waiting for me when I was led into the dining room. A second guard joined us as we passed through the door and I was ushered over to the King by them both. He stood up, leaving the golden orb in a nook on his chair arm and it was the first time I had seen Him not sitting down. He positively towered over me and I felt my knees become weak when He came very close to me. I was face to face with the large disc hanging from His necklace. Without a word, He raised His hand and brought it to my face, sliding His fingers along my cheek, back into my hair and gripping it to tilt my face up. I found myself recoiling from Him but both of the guards took me by my arms and prevented me from moving away.
The King's face was impassive, expressionless and His eyes… they're so wrong, so frightful. Even when the rest of His face was in shadow His eyes emitted a light and malice all their own. He leaned down and smelled me, starting with my hair and then tilting my head farther back until He reached my neck. Before I could react, His mouth was on mine in a kiss. I attempted to raise my arms to push Him away but the guards prevented me from doing to. He took His time, tightening His fingers in my hair when I tried to turn out of it. The smell of Him was all around me, in my nose and head. That acrid, burned odor of singed flesh and char. I found myself pinned between him and my guards as He brought His other hand to my neck. He slid his fingers along the side and then His thumb crossed over the front, closing it into his grip. Try as I might to resist, He forced His tongue into my mouth and the threat of Him crushing my throat kept me from biting Him. He squeezed my neck slightly and then released it, only to drag His overly hot hand down my chest and onto my breast. The fabric between His hand and my skin was thin and He made a noise into my mouth when He touched me. Only then did He desist from kissing me.
He stood up straight and looked at me then. Far from being expressionless, His face carried the look of a hungry animal, a wolf! I was gasping, trying to catch my breath. He spoke to me then, His voice a breathy, hoarse whisper.
"You are an exquisite little creature, Lily." His breathing was deep, as if He were out of breath as well. His voice still rings in my ears and I can yet feel His hand on my body. He didn't stop with fondling my breast. Nay, he slid his hand down my stomach and then over my hip, reaching around to caress my lower back and then my buttocks. It didn't matter that I was covered… I felt naked and exposed to Him in those endless moments. My body quivered in fear and when He at last released His hold on my hair and allowed me to lower my head I noticed something else that made me want to die of terror. He was aroused. His loincloth did little to hide what was beneath it. I must have become very pale, for His eyebrows shifted together and He stepped back from me, leaving my body alone at last. He gestured to the chair near His at the table and commanded me.
"Sit, eat. You have a place of honor here with me." The guards didn't wait for me to obey. They sat me down and then stepped back a few paces. The King seated Himself and gestured to the table as I stared blankly at the dishes of food and filled wine goblet before me.
"This is all for you. Eat. Drink. Have whatever you desire."
I didn't eat much. I couldn't. My heart never ceased to beat in a frantic rhythm and my stomach felt as if the tightest corset ever made were cinched around it. I managed a bite or two and a few sips of wine in the length of time that we sat together at that table, hoping it would calm me but dread filled me to overflowing. It was not unwarranted.
I jerked in my seat when the King rose from His chair and took up the golden orb from its place. The way He lifted it seemed to indicate that it was heavy, for the tendons stood out on the back of His hand as He turned it. He reached out and held His free hand out toward me, indicating that I should take it. I did and rose shakily to my feet. The King led me out a different door than I had come in, my ever present guards following behind. We traversed a long corridor decorated with statues of wolves and violent tapestries depicting wolves and eagles locked in battle. A set of double doors at the end of the hall were opened by two more guards and beyond was an enormous bedroom. My heart finally had had enough and I stopped at the sight of it, attempting to tear my hand from the King's. He tightened His grip painfully on my hand and turned His head, letting His fiery blue eyes burn into my soul. I shook my head. I might have even begged Him to let me go. The sound of weapons being drawn behind me and the sight of the other two guards resting their hands on theirs turned my knees to water and I found myself staggering onward. The King made a huffing noise of impatient satisfaction at my unwilling forward movement. The echoing sound of the heavy doors shutting us in was the sealing of my fate.
The King released my hand when we were beside the bed and I backed away, bringing my arms up to cross over my chest in an attempt at covering myself and put as much distance between us as possible. I could go no further when the wall was up against my back.
"Come now, Lily. You need not fear me. No other woman has found such favor in my eyes." As He spoke He crossed the distance between us until He was just as close as when He had molested me in the dining room. I had nowhere to run, no way to escape. His hand was as hot as fire when He laid it over mine and started to pull my wrist away from my shoulder. I do remember begging Him then. I pleaded with him not to do this but my appeals and tears meant nothing to Him. He dragged my hand down but I pulled it back up when He reached for the other. His eyes seemed to blaze brighter and His lips pulled back from His clenched teeth in a frightful show of anger at my disobedience.
"So be it." His guttural words struck dread into my heart. He raised the golden orb in his hand and it lit up brightly, the lines and markings covering its surface becoming blinding and brilliant in the semidarkness of the bedroom. I had to turn my face away. He lifted His hand up and very softly touched my arm. A burst of tingling shot up to my shoulder and with one finger He lowered my arm from my side. It was as if I were made of clay. I could do nothing to resist His downward motion, nor could I move my arm once it was by my side. My fist was still clenched as it had been but my elbow was fully extended.
I could feel my heart wanting to burst it was pounding so hard in my chest. What magic does He wield that He can control the bodies of those around him? Is He really a God as people say He is? The King moved His finger to my other arm and lowered it in the same fashion as He had the first. I fought against it, I truly did. I tried so hard to move my arms at all but it was as if they had been struck from my body… They were no longer mine to control. I could still feel everything: the fabric of my clothing, the cold wall against my knuckles, the warmth of the King's finger on my wrist and as He trailed it up my arm to my bare shoulder. He unhooked my mother's brooch and tossed it aside so He could pull the fabric forward from where it hung over my shoulder. As He unwound the fabric from my body I felt cold and my tears fell from my face only to run down my chest and drop onto the floor.
When the fabric was a pool of blue around my unmoving feet the King took my face in His hand and turned it upward to look into His eyes. In the side of my vision I watched Him lower that glowing orb downward and I felt His arm move between our bodies. The orb touched me low on my bared stomach and suddenly my most intimate parts were ablaze with sensations of arousal I had never experienced before. I cried out in shock and shame as a surge of warmth filled me. The King smiled… but it was not a smile to bring joy or happiness. Nay, it was an abomination. He removed the wicked orb from my skin and released my face only to run His fingers down the center of my body. I wept and begged for Him to stop but He just looked at me silently and carried on until he came to my navel. His fingers lifted from me but in a sudden movement forward, He captured my mouth with His and reached His hand between my legs. I screamed against his mouth until He stepped back.
"You see? You want this. You want me." I tried to deny it but my voice trailed off when He closed His glowing eyes and showed me darkness instead. When He opened them again He took me by the shoulder and I found myself walking toward the bed under His guidance. While only moments earlier I had desperately fought for movement of my limbs I then struggled for the absence of it. He turned me to face the bed and placed the orb on a pillow. There was no change to my inability to control my body despite Him not holding that thing anymore. He raised His frightfully strong hands and pulled me to His chest, grinding His aroused body against me. He then pushed me face down onto the mattress and caressed my exposed backside as He spoke.
"Have you ever been had by a man, Lily?" I somehow managed to shake my head and whisper that I had not. His hands left my skin and it was a relief only until I heard the sounds of him untying his sash and dropping his loincloth to the floor.
"Then tonight you will be had by a God." He moved my legs apart with His feet and roughly pushed into me. I screamed from the awful pain He dealt. More than that pain, though, the humiliation of it destroyed me. I was helpless to resist in any way except for my voice and He let me keep that. I screamed until there was nothing left and still I continued. When He was finally finished with me I was only able to weep in miserable silence. He laid His body over mine on the bed and I felt myself liberated from the invisible force that had held me through it all. By then I was too weak to move anymore. The King's smoky breath against my neck and ear made me shake with renewed fear and His whispered words sliced my skin and cut out my heart.
"You are mine now. Forever." He brushed my hair, wet from the sweat of my desperation and pointless struggling, off the right side of my neck and shoulder and His teeth closed on the vulnerable flesh He had revealed. He bit me until I was sure He had broken my skin. As soon as He released me He pulled himself from my body and I shamefully felt the evidence of his violent passion.
I heard Him move away and a short rap on the door, followed by the sound of it opening. I was too weak to even attempt covering myself from whomever was there. All I could do was close my eyes in disgrace. The King spoke unfamiliar words and the sound of booted footsteps approached the bed. I wept as I felt my body turned over, lifted up and carried like a baby. Long hair brushed against me and I knew it was my guard. He only carried me a short distance from the bed before he knelt on one knee and gathered up the fabric that had been discarded from my body. He piled it over my nakedness and I was grateful for that small bit of cover. I refused to open my eyes and see the pity in his that I was sure was there. It only became worse when I felt my mother's brooch being pushed into my tightly closed fist.
I wept the entire trip back to my rooms. My silent guard put me in the bed and pulled the blankets up over me without removing all the loops of blue fabric. When he left I heard the lock sliding into its place, trapping me within this palace of horror.
I still weep now, hours later. Though I sit at my desk wrapped in a blanket, I can't stop shivering at the remembrance of these recent happenings. The night is almost done and the sunrise brings me no hope. I fear this is to be my future: the prisoner and unwilling concubine of a mad King with powers beyond the wildest of imaginings and the worst of nightmares at His fingertips.