Why I shouldn't watch L.M. at 2am
The first thing I knew that all was not as it should be was when I woke up and my ceiling had changed. Which as you can imagine, was a bit disconcerting. Instead of the usual flat off-white colour (Egg-Shell or egg white or whatever it was called. I don't know it was 50 in the sales so I wasn't that fussed about the name) it was some kind of blue/green stone. Not like any I had seen before. It had a strange luminescence to it.
The second hint I had that things had gone awry was when I tried to stand. I found myself nose to ground in short order. Which, by the way...OW! So, there I was pressed face first to a similar blue/green surface that I'd seen from a distance while lying on what I'd thought was my bed. Though this was a darker colour then the roof and smooth where the other rippled and dipped. Which I'm sure would be a very soothing effect if it wasn't for the fact I had NO CLUE WHERE I WAS!!
OK! This was no time to panic. I was sure I could pencil in a good 15 minutes for that later. I grabbed on to the weird pallet thing I'd been lying on (More blue stone. Huzzah! Though this time there were silky looking sheets of varying shades of green. A nice brake from the monotony really) and heaved myself to a sitting position. It was then I was impressed with the third wrong thing of the day. And it was a dilly of a thing!
What the hell is a dilly anyway?
Dammit! Focus Mari! That's what I'm called by the way. Mari. Short for Mariketta. Mariketta Moonbeam Munroe! Yeah, I know. My Mum and Dad were hippies, even after hippies weren't the big thing any more. All organic, all you need is love, let's saddle our kid with the most mortifying name we can think of, hippies.
Back on track. The dilly thing, that lead to my face-plant on the floor. My leg's were gone! Queue five minutes of hysterical laughter. You'll understand though. I mean what would your reaction be to look down and find your legs missing? That's not to say that there wasn't anything there. If I had looked down and seen nothing there would have been more than just 5 minutes of hysterical laughter believe me!
No. From the waist down I was now apparently a fish!
There. I said it. I was now the proud owner of a fish tail. I suppose it wasn't a bad looking tail as fish tails went. The scales were a blend of black and dark blue from my waist down the length of what used to be my thighs. Round about where my knees would be they began to lighten into paler blues and greys. They got lighter and lighter till they became silver and white as it reached the flipper. The flipper itself was a translucent deep blue with black lines and fronds.
If it wasn't for the fact that it was me it was attached to I'd of thought it pretty. But it was attached to me so I was pretty much stuck on freaking out. In fact I was working up to a good bout of Hyperventilation. I was making a rather interesting noise a cross between wheezing and whistling. My mind circling and chattering to itself, an ocean of white noise.
"Art thou well mine Lady?"
Wow! I just...WOW! So there I was having myself a nice little panic attack when a voice like velvet over gravel had rumbled out from the other side of the pallet. Which had the nice little side effect of breaking me out of the mental downward spiral I'd been trapped in. Being naturally curious I levered myself up so I was sort of standing on my hands on the pallet and peering over the other side at the speaker. And there he was! Apparently the tail had come with a heaping helping of raging hormones because my whole body just went...GROWL!
There in a pool of water was Vin Diesel's Hotter brother. Olive skinned and with muscles just made for nibbling on. Blue-black dreadlocks fell back over his shoulders and a similar coloured tail idly flapped in the water behind him. Onyx eyes were staring up at me with a concerned expression. And he was wet. Obviously he was wet, he was in a pool of water after all. But like I said before I took one look and was stuck on...Yummy. Want it!
"Mine Lady? Art thou in need of the Healer?" He asked again. God, but when I hallucinate I really hallucinate! "Mine Lady?"
"Y'mean Me?" I squeaked out. Enough neurons finally connecting through the hormone ridden miasma to realise he had in fact been speaking to me. It was the lady reference that threw me. OK that and the hotty induced stupor.
"Indeed Mine Lady. Art thou now recovered from thine illness?" Right then. I don't mind the rumbly god of sex hallucination, but what was with the B-Movie script? Come to think of it, why was he talking at all if this was a hallucination? There were better things he could be doing. Maybe I should answer, my staring blankly was clearly worrying Vin wi' Fins.
"Um...I'm fine?" I blurted finally. Aside from the fact I've just realised I'm naked from the waist up and have been flashing V.F. For the past five minutes. Attempting casual I manoeuvre myself so I'm resting on my elbows with the coverings of the pallet folded so 'the view' was now obstructed.
"Thou dost not sound sure in thine answer, Mine Lady." V.F. Rumbled up at me with a quirk to the lips that sent the hormones clamouring back to defcon-3.
"No I guess I Dost- n't." I muttered as I mentally pulled my brain back to head level. Rather than hang out in the gutter, even if the view was spectacular down there. "Not to be rude. But, who the hell are you? And where am I? 'Cause I'm tellin' ya. This sure as hell doesn't look like my flat in Aberdeen!"
Right. So befuddled was another look that, when coming from this particular mer-man, really blew my whistles. Maybe it was the wee wrinkle that appeared between his brows. Or the slight pout of his lush lower lip. But my brain was sliding down into the gutter again. Maybe it was in the market for a basement flat?
"I am afraid I know not of this Ay-ber-deen, Mine Lady. But I didst come upon thee several leagues from the Kingdom proper in a most fragile condition. The Healers didst find it most troublesome to return you to health. Thou art in mine own Mother's cove. She bid you rest here till thou didst recovered."
Uh-Huh. Right then.
"So you found me. Brought me home to your Mum. And the Doctor's had problems getting me better." I translated, more to myself than his fishiness. "And the whole fish tail thing? What's that about?"
"Thou art as you have ever been. Though in better health than when I did first happen upon thee. And I confess, thine speech is most strange to mine ears."
"You're telling me!" So apparently V.F. Didn't know I was bi-pedal when I went to bed last night. Nor that I was supposed to be a 23 year old secretary from Aberdeen, not a half-guppy Jane Doe. Come to think of it introductions might be in order. "I'm called Mari by the way. Do you have a name with all those rippling pectorals?"
"Pick -toe-rails?" The wrinkle was turning into a furrow. Poor thing really was having problems keeping up here. "Mine name is Aurias, Mine Lady Mari. It would please me if you wouldst use it freely." Then he bowed his head in a courtly gesture.
"Thank you Oh-ray-us. And you must use Mari when addressing me. The Mine Lady makes me nervous." I smiled at him in what I hoped was a charming way.
"If you so wish, Mine Lady." He returned. So, obviously Aurias was stuck in his ways. Either that or he had an irritating sense of humour. But I wasn't going to press the issue. As my stomach chose that moment to announce to the room, and everything within a two mile radius, that I was feeling a bit hungry. Aurias finally cracked a smile which, despite being at my expense, sent me reeling into 'OOOH, Pretty!' Land once again. "Come Mine Lady Mari. Now that thou art back in good health Mine Lady Mother would wish to see you. If we leave now we may join her for the ebbing-time meal."
"Sure. Food sounds of the good. Where can I get some clothes?"
"Clothes? I know not of such things Mine Lady Mari."
You have got to be kidding!