Chapter 1
I couldn't help myself this time; I got this brainspark one day and absolutely had to write this. It's meant to kick off my "Xiaolin Command" fan series, and although there's an episode which comes before this one, I don't want to write that at the moment (it has kind of a boring premise).
I'm sorry for not yet completing a prize fic for someone I need to complete it for... I'm just selfish that way.
Oh, and Happy April Fools' Day! Hopefully this story doesn't turn out to be a practical joke. Ha-ha.
The sunrise shone brilliantly in the clear blue sky. Yet, although the sun stood a good ninety-three million miles away, it appeared close enough, and big enough, to lean right into someone's face and say "hello." But if it could anyway, it would be prevented from doing so as the head of Master Fung strode in, blocking its yellowness with a solid baldness.
"Young monks," he began solemnly, "the moment has passed for you to return from the realm of universal energy manifested in yourselves and exert your chi that you have successfully kept isolated for a prolonged period of time. ...Awaken." He clapped his hands twice.
The old master had been standing around in his temple garden, waiting for a quartet of Xiaolin Dragons to come out of their meditative state as they all sat side-by-side on the grass. They were supposed to return to earth by now – to cease acting like unresponsive statues.
"WAKE UP!" The only real dragon of the group came in and banged on a small gong he was forced to find. And the noise did its job; every one of the four monks jumped on cue and held hands to their ears. Then they moaned and groaned, just as spoiled kids would.
"Thank you – ahem – Dojo," the Master said to his faithful reptile companion.
"Always here to help."
"Agh... well next time, could you maybe help us by NOT bringing out 'the gong?'" requested Kimiko, rubbing her temples.
"Seriously dude, really starting to get a headache from that thing," Raimundo claimed, as he twisted a finger around in his ear.
"Yes, a simple splash of cold water would have sufficed," Omi stated, scratching his big yellow sun-head.
Dojo responded via a cough. "Pthuh. Pansies." (But at least the Texan cowboy wasn't complaining.)
Master Fung drew everyone's attention back to him. "...Before I ask Dojo as to why he insists on using my priceless tam-tam model, you all must know that even though the forces of evil have subsided, it is wise that you learn how to stay in control of your powers. One way to accomplish this would be to enter and exit a meditative state at will."
The monks glanced at each other, knowing full well what they had succeeded at doing. "...Guess we flunked that lesson out," joked Rai with a sheepish smirk.
"Indeed. But of course, absolute mental domination IS a very difficult practice, especially for the young."
"Not to protest or nothin' Master Fung, but ain't our powers already controlled subconsciously?" asked the cowboy. He noticed Kimiko peering over at him. "What."
"A good question Clay." The Master calmly proceeded to pace alongside the group. "The truth of the matter is that the more you develop your supernatural abilities, the greater the risk that they will become chaotic. Stabilizing your chi is imperative."
Forming a concerned face, Omi nodded hastily. "I agree Master; I would much regret allowing my chi to grow sooo powerful that it destroys the entire world without my will being there to conquer it."
"Psshh." Rai rolled his eyes at what he perceived to be the scent of ego.
"Raimundo, do you something insightful to share?"
The leader slumped his chin onto his hand, pretending to ignore the question. That's when Kimiko forced a wide grin and elbowed him, urging him to give an answer.
"Oof. Uh no! No."
"Perhaps since you are now a Shoku Warrior, you would care to demonstrate how one so flawlessly manipulates his chi energy."
"...Is this the kinda same stuff I've been practicing the last few days?"
"The exact same."
With that Rai hopped up. "Ah, alright! No problemo Fungo."
Slightly flinching at those words, Master Fung stepped aside so that the Dragon of Wind had plenty of space. "Your task is to focus on your element and show your skill in channeling its full strength. In the meantime, I am going to return the tam-tam to its proper place." He took the small gong that Dojo had hidden behind his back, and then he walked away.
"Oh come on!" Dojo rebuttaled. "The old thing still works doesn't it?" He slithered on after the old man.
With those two gone, Raimundo sighed and casually made with his knuckle cracking.
"...OOH, will you be calling out your new Shoku Warrior signature move?" The Water monk started bouncing in his spot. The Shoku Wind monk cocked his brow at him.
"Just, watch what he does partner," Clay insisted.
"Yeah, we've been over this like a million times." Saying that, Rai went ahead and closed his eyes "concentratively."
"But surely you must have an elaborate name that you have recently invented for your high-level – "
"I'll shut him up." Kimiko clamped her hand on the bald one's mouth.
"Mmf, mm-mm-mm-mmph!"
Now, with absolute silence taking hold of the air, Raimundo got down on one knee, filling himself with oxygen and balling his fists. These fists slowly became enwrapped in wind.
Omi then stared in anticipation. "Mm?"
Eyes suddenly shooting open, Rai grunted and threw his body into a cyclone. "Shoku Nova, WIND!" He unfurled his hands and sent a sonic boom from both palms that tore over the temple walls and flattened the tops of the trees as it blasted off into the mountainous distance.
The end result left Clay and Kimiko's hair poofy with atmospheric static.
"...Sweet corn in a husk Rai." Clay removed his hat and shaped his blonde mane back down. "That storm front's gonna blow circles 'round the whole globe."
Raimundo found that, weirdly enough, his hair was all heavy and flat and in his face. "Eh, nothin' much to it," he professed, attempting to pull strands out of his eyes.
Omi couldn't hold his praises in any longer, so he pushed Kim's firm hand away from his big gob. He gasped for sweet air next, and stood up high. "YES! Most amazing Raimundo! I believe you have practically proven yourself worthy of your leadership position!"
"Practically?"
Kim explained the deal. "He's still having a little bit of trouble adjusting."
"Hey..." Omi turned a suspicious expression toward her while Clay arose from his spot.
Rai finished brushing off the accumulated dust on his sleeves. "Figures."
Then the cowboy came by, and, with a playful smile, patted the Brazilian's shoulder. "To be fair, I think yer stridin' progress along faster than a pack o' greyhounds on a free-fer-all hare chase!"
"Thanks bro, that means a lot! ...If I heard you correctly."
Omi inhaled and was about to say something more when instantly, out of nowhere, the faraway noise of a trumpeting horn stopped him.
Every single monk perked. "What sounds like the grand opening to a Renaissance festival?" Kimiko questioned, neck a-stiff.
The Xiaolin team followed the horn and ran to the temple gate, where way out on the paved path, they spotted what appeared to be a cavalier approaching, riding atop a prancing caramel horse. Both he and his trusty steed were coated with silver armor, but him moreso, for even his face was hidden underneath a knightly helmet. And while he had grasped in his hand a formidable black javelin, his steed was daintily sheathed in a blue-and-white rug. The monks stared as the noble duo halted within meters of them, and also as the horse bowed.
The knightly young man spoke. "I have traveled long and far, searching for the mighty warriors who are rumored to have saved the world more than once."
Omi took a glance at the other monks before he replied. "...Many times to be precise."
"Art ye the legendary Xiaolin heroes? It is an honor to finally bathe in your presence."
All four Xiaolin Monks exchanged uncomfortable looks. "Uh, thanks," said Raimundo. "...What, dost thou cometh here, for?"
"I come HUMBLY to request your assistance." The man tilted his horse's head high by the reigns. "Firstly ye shalt not know of my name, for I work within a secret band of knights who protect the innocent from the nefariousness of malicious creatures."
"Hm. All right, if you need us to wrassle up anythin' evil we'll be happy to oblige – "
"Let me continue!" The knight pointed his javelin at the nose of a startled Clay. "Ye CANST hope to call yourselves victors unless ye summon magic and use elemental mana as your weapon. The monster I hunt is immune to swords and spears."
"Well," Rai proceeded to tell, "you've come to the right temple! We've got a knack for summoning wind, fire, water, and earth mumbo-jumbo."
"AH. Then ye must be, as they say, 'Sons of the Elements.'"
A low growl emitted from deep within Kimiko's throat.
"...And daughter." The knight shifted the other direction. "I beseech you! This be no ordinary demon-serpent! It emerged from the rivers of Exeter spewing forth fire, acid, and other various... substances, and leaveth behind tracks of destruction everywhere from London to northern Scotland. Its heads of seven reach nigh a hundred feet! And most importantly, it knoweth no peace whatsoever."
"Then what're we waiting around for?" Rai exclaimed, pounding his left fist into his right hand. "Let's go kick its tail!"
Clay hesitantly itched his hair. "I-I'm sorry, but I can't help wonderin' if maybe this monster's, ya know, just misunderstood?"
The mystery knight laughed in a condescending fashion. "Doth not be a silly sod!" He then abruptly withdrew himself for a second. "...Oh blast it, I can't keep talking like this. Whatever. Do any of you happen to have a global positioning system available?"
The three boy monks peered at Kimiko, who paused before sighing hoarsely. "I've got one installed on my PDA," she informed lowly.
"May I send the map of my location to you? I'm not allowed to um... speak of my headquarters; it's very confidential."
Kim whined inside her mouth and eyed her Shoku leader, who only shrugged in return.
"Fine." She took her PDA from her sash and readied it up.
The knight also took out a fancy shiny phone. And there were no other sounds but the tapping and beeping the two created as they exchanged e-mail addresses.
After completing the process with a final tap, the young man slipped his phone back in his pocket. "That is where you are to meet me. Together we will fight the hydra, and with your powers and my prowess, we shall slay it!"
Omi, Raimundo, and Clay agreed with some "yeahs" and "okays," and Kimiko tossed an unenthusiastic "awesome" into the mix.
"ONWARD BUTTERSCOTCH!" The knight pulled the reigns and made his caramel-colored stallion rear; and thus the duo galloped away into the horizon, with proud horns blowing once again... from who knows where.
The Xiaolin Monks were just left standing and watching, unknowing of what to discern from this encounter. "Sooo, what is this place he told us to go to?" Omi ever-curiously inquired.
"I reckon he was referrin' to England," Clay told him.
"Ooh, England? I heard they have lots of crickets there."
Unfazed by that comment, Raimundo leaned in toward Kimiko and made a kissy face at her.
Kim gave him a very annoyed look. "Dare I ask?"
"You just crossed paths with your knight in shining armor."
"...Oh AS IF!"
Rai mischievously giggled his head off.
"Yeah... that feller don't seem like his head was screwed on quite right," Clay thought aloud.
Rai's giggling bubbled down somewhat. "Well Clay my man, he's not as loopy and rabid as someone else we know."
"Heh, you mean Jack Spicer right? Evil Boy Genius?" Kimiko scoffed. She waved her hand aside. "He's history."
"Ha-ha-ha," the Shoku leader affirmed.
Nighttime came upon the land of Vancouver, Canada, where the mansion of a certain has-been villain resided.
Television commercials blared from a two-story window – instead of from the evil basement. The lights were off upstairs, matching the outdoor darkness, and none other than Jack Spicer was plopped on his bed, wearing nothing but pajamas, and snarfing down his third tub of chocolate chip-mint-pistachio ice cream.
"You vile fiend," began a character on the TV show, "you will rue the day you tried to poison the Nile River with your industrial sludge. Prepare to face defeat by the awesome might of my Kung Fu Roundhouse Kick. Hi-YAH!" The character started beating the stuffing out of the evil dude.
"I could SO pull off a roundhouse kick if I wanted to," Jack proposed, as he shoved an extra-large ice cream scoop into his mouth. "...Given I could find a suitable gym first."
He grabbed a nearby can of soda pop and gulped on it as the martial arts hero got struck down momentarily.
"You cannot defeat me! I know every one of your special moves!" proclaimed the villain.
"Every one eh? Have you seen my Mega-Fiery Fire Punch?"
"No."
The hero set his hand ablaze and punched the villain across the Sahara Desert.
Crumpling up the now-empty soda can and throwing it at the trashcan (only to miss), Spicer released the heaviest of sighs. "Bad guys never win."
He was about to dig his spoon into the tub squished between his legs, but then he realized there was no comfort food left in there.
He gasped. "Megan! I need some more chocolate pistachio mint-flavored ice cream up here! MEGAN!"
In the downstairs living room, Jack's little cousin was painting her fingernails with glittery nail polish and listening to pop music on her headphones. She wore makeup that sparkled and clothing that bared her midriff.
"MEGAAAN! Ice cream! NOW!"
Megan was quick to an attitude, and so she creased her made-up face. "Get it yourself you big oaf!"
"...Aaggh." Easily defeated, the clumsy fool crawled off the bed and scratched his side before walking out of his room-zone. "Must I do everything."
Meanwhile, outside the Spicer abode, the trees once still were starting to shake their leaves. The shaking grew evermore furious with each passing second. Then, overhead, a Shoku-born wind came booming through the area, tearing away tree branches and knocking down some of the nearby power lines.
Now Jack had just begun to descend his staircase when all the lights unexpectedly went out and he found himself screaming and crashing down the remaining steps. After landing on the floor, he shot up in a confused fit of shock and anger.
"WHAT THE – MEGAN, how many of your dumb girly electronics were you plugging into all the outlets?"
"It WASN'T me!"
"Well the power didn't go out on its own." Jack struggled to keep his balance and find his way around in the darkness. "Fantastic. Now I need a flashlight or a lantern just to SEE."
Grunting, he eventually fumbled to a small wooden table where his dusty wireless laptop lay. He tripped on a stool first, but then slowly lifted his hand to feel for the computer's surface.
"Alright, let's switch you on." Arising, he opened the black thing and pushed a button so that its bright blue screen illuminated the halls. "Ahh, my happy light." Leaning on the table with both elbows, Jack next discovered something – a curious surveillance video on the desktop.
"Huh, what's this." He pulled it up full view and saw what looked like the inside of the Shen Gong Wu Vault. His tiny impish bug-bots had been scattered throughout the Xiaolin Temple, and one of them was still at work monitoring the Vault's security, showing when it could be breached.
Spicer squinched his eyes hard. Those Xiaolin freaks were in there, going in deep for some Wu.
"Shouldn't we bring our Wudai Weapons too?" the Fire monk was asking.
"Just in case, yep," the Earth monk answered.
"I can only imagine how the great knights of Britain would react seeing us Xiaolin Warriors battling a giant evil monster!" The Water monk sure sounded excited, as per usual.
Jack pretty much compressed his nose to the screen. "Britain? Monsters?"
"Whatchoo got there, Rai?" the Earth monk questioned next.
The Wind monk was seen ascending from the Vault. "Sun Chi Lantern. Might come in handy."
"But why do we require the Lantern?" The Water monk sounded dubious. "Its only purpose is to transfer our chi from one area to another."
"It's called 'thinking ahead' dude," the Wind monk explained. "According to Sir What's-His-Name we have to rely on mana-related attacks, and honestly, I have no clue WHAT we're up against."
"Hear that? Trust your leader Omi," teased the Fire monk.
"...Whoa-whoa-whoa... wait. That's it." Jack Spicer, Evil Boy Genius, gradually leaned away from the computer screen and slapped his forehead. "DUH! The lantern! With the Sun Chi Lantern I could steal their flashy little powers! Ha-ha, I'd be so potent the whole world would fear me!" He put his thoughts on a momentary pause. "...And I wouldn't have to monologue. Hee-hee-hee..." He slipped back into the darkness with his closed "monitoring laptop" in tow.
Forsooth! Jack Spicer hails from Canada (and is also a creepy stalker). Well, that's what I say anyway; for me it makes sense. Please do not flame for whatever reason.
Expect some obscure Monty Python references and other things, when I decide to update. Truth is I'm not very good at referencing in general. Still... it's all in fun.
"The Xiaolin Monks will slay anything that's evil. That's their deal." See? Fail Adventure Time reference.