Just something that has been floating in my head for a while. I wished that Shepard could send a reply to Kaidan's message in ME2 and here is what she wanted to say. Enjoy. Also this hasn't been beta'd so hopefully any mistakes are minimal. There is the chance you will need a tissue.
He knew who sent him the file. There was only a handful of people who would have bothered and only one of them were currently on board the Normandy. He had been staring at the note that accompanied it debating if he should open it or not for the last ten minutes.
"Kaidan, Shepard tried to send you a video message before the Omega-4 relay. Cerberus had unbeknownst to her blocked any attempts to contact you. Since you continue to doubt her I thought perhaps it was time it finally was delivered."
He had to admit he was curious what her message was but part of him was afraid to confront anything that would make him feel even worse for the way he had been treating her since her return to the world. He had already spoken to her and asked if they were okay but still hadn't given her a real apology. He was still holding on to the idea that she wasn't truly her. That his Shepard was still gone and a cheap copy had replaced her. He was afraid to believe. He wouldn't survive losing her again. He knew it was stupid. He was the only one who still doubted her. Hell he was the only one who had. Garrus, Tali, Liara and Wrex had all accepted her without question. Anderson had believed it was really her. What if he watched this and then felt for certain it was really her? How could he face her after Horizon and the things he accused her of on Mars? He had practically called her a husk.
He knew she hated Cerberus more than he did for their part in Akuze. He couldn't make her working for them make sense. She had tried to explain but he was so angry he wouldn't let her speak. Maybe if he had given her a chance then. Garrus had even spoke up trying to get him to listen. All he could see was that logo on her armor. Two years he had mourned for her, for what they had and to have her show up like nothing was wrong had been too much to handle. At least he knew why he never got a reply to his message. Gathering his nerve he took a deep breath and pressed play. He was struck immediately with how terrible she looked. She had lost weight. Her eyes had lost the playfulness he had always loved. She just looked tired. Then she began to speak.
Kaidan, I am sorry it has taken so long to reply but I haven't had much time to breathe lately. We are heading through the Omega-4 relay in a few hours and there isn't much to do until then. The collectors took my crew while I was off the ship. We can't wait any longer. I have to save them. Chakwas is with them too. I have built a strong team and I know that we can stop them but we don't have any illusions about this. This could most likely be a one way trip for us and I couldn't do this without talking to you. I wish I could do this in person but I didn't think you would see me so this is the best I can do. I hope you don't just delete this when you see my name.
I miss you so much. You were always the one I turned to when I needed a shoulder. You keep me fighting. I have grown close to my team but no one could ever replace you. After Horizon I almost gave up hope that I would ever feel your arms around me again. There was someone that I spent a lot of time with but we both knew we had something holding our hearts that was more important. For me that was you.
Your letter gave me a reason to believe that there was still a place for me in your heart, although hearing about your doctor hurt. I can't blame you for that though. I was dead. It would have been unfair to think you wouldn't find someone else. Hearing you say loved past tense when I had never heard it in present tense wasn't a picnic either. You were so angry. I understand now that I gave myself time to see it from your side. I'm so sorry. I know if I had gotten to the escape pod sooner this would all be moot but I couldn't let Joker die like that. I would give my life for any of my team. I had already failed Ashley and I couldn't fail someone else.
Tears had begun streaming down her face. He didn't think he had ever seen her cry before.
When I saw you I was so happy that you hadn't been taken that I forgot for a minute that although it only felt like weeks had past to me that for you it was still two years. I hope that when this is over and the Collectors are gone that we can talk for real. I won't give up on us Kaidan. I have been alone all my life. I never had an attachment to living quarters till the Normandy, I didn't have a family until my ragtag group of misfits and I didn't have a home until I met you. You are home to me Kaidan. I love you so much and I am sorry that I was afraid to say it sooner. I should have told you everyday.
I am going to fight like hell for you. I am going to take those sons of bitches down then I am coming home to you. I will never stop trying to fix this. I am never going to stop fighting for you, for us. You asked me if I even remembered that night before IIos? I could I ever forget that. That was the night I finally became whole. I remember our shore leave after the Citadel battle too. I remember that we didn't get out much but the view from our balcony was breathtaking. I didn't get to wear most of the clothes I had packed. I will prove that I am me and I will do whatever it takes to get you to trust me again. I don't care how long it takes. You are worth any effort.
He heard a muffled voice in the background interrupt her.
Tell him I will be right there EDI. I have to go now. Joker wants me on the bridge as we make our approach. I love you so much Kaidan and I will see you again but just in case I don't, I love you, I love you, I love you. After this is over I am turning this ship and myself over to the Alliance. I don't know what they will do but please come see me so we can talk. I know Anderson will get you in to see me wherever I am. I love you Kaidan. Shepard out.
He just sat there stunned for a moment, his own tears threatening to fall. Hearing her say I love you had been an unexpected blow. Hearing them for the first time like this and listening to the pain in her voice left him desperate to hold her again. He knew it was her now. No one knew about their shared shore leave. She had begged him to come see her and he never had. She didn't know her message didn't go through. She had been under house arrest for six months waiting on him. What had he done? She said she would keep fighting. Did she still feel that way? On her visits to the hospital she spoke more like they were friends than the something more they had been. Had he completely blown everything?
He still loved her. He had never stopped. He knew now that he had to make this right. It was his turn to fight for her. He had almost lost her after Horizon and he wasn't going to let that happen. As soon as he was out of this place, he was requesting to be placed on the Normandy and they could finally have the talk she had wanted. With the Reapers there was no way of knowing how much time they had but he wanted to spend every moment with her. He had wasted so much time and he wasn't going to waste anymore. She was his home too.