Some computer hacker took off with the disclaimer saying that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. It's been a while since I've written a Brotherhood fic hasn't it? Well let's just say this fic was inspired by real life. Now I have never done any of these dumb things people do while writing a resume and trying to get a job. But there are people who have. Scary isn't it? Makes you feel smarter just reading this doesn't it?
Brotherhood Resume Tips
"Now we are cooking!" Todd sat at the desk with the computer, dressed smartly in a brown business suit. "So what do you think Freddy? Should we put our resumes on the blue papers, the papers with the teddy bear and frog borders or the ones with the flaming skulls?"
"Flaming skulls for me," Pyro piped up. He had a laptop of his own.
"I was thinking about the teddy bears but I didn't wanna copy anyone," Fred told Todd. "So I think I am just gonna do what they tell you to do on websites. Keep it simple, bold and professional. Just like me!"
"You know that does match your style," Pyro nodded.
"So what's going on with the brain trust today?" Pietro asked. He and Lance walked up to them.
"We are working on our resumes!" Todd said cheerfully.
"Okay," Lance sighed. "Since there's nothing good on TV at this time of the day I'll ask. Why are you working on your resumes?"
"Duh, so we can enter the job market!" Fred rolled his eyes. "You need a resume if you're going to post it on the web and have potential bosses look at your skills. Everyone knows that!"
"And what skills are these?" Pietro asked. "Eating, sleeping, fooling around and playing video games?"
"We prefer the terms gourmand, mattress tester and liberal arts student," Todd pointed out.
"Look we're not total idiots," Fred said. "Sooner or later Magneto is going to kick us to the curb and we're gonna have to get real jobs. We're not all independently wealthy like Pyro here. And even we can't mooch off of him forever."
"Pyro? Pyro is rich?" Pietro did a double take.
"Who do you think has been paying for your HD cable?" Pyro gave him a look. "The Easter Bunny?"
"I assumed one of you hacked into it and stole it like we stole the TV," Lance said.
"No, that was my severance package from my last job," Pyro said.
"Weren't you fired from a McDonalds for setting the French fries on fire?" Pietro asked. "At a customer's table?"
"I was trying a new recipe," Pyro said. "A new way of making the food even fresher. Some people just don't appreciate innovation."
"No Pyro, what they don't appreciate is smoke damage and carbon monoxide poisoning," Lance told him. "And if you're so rich why were you working at McDonalds anyway?"
"I was doing research for my latest novel," Pyro said. "It was gonna be set in a fast food restaurant catering to monsters."
"I know I am going to regret this but I am going to do it anyway," Lance sighed.
"Lance don't…" Pietro warned. "Don't do it."
"I have to," Lance said. "Pyro what's the title of the book?"
"I have it narrowed down to two," Pyro said. "The first one is Do You Want Flies With That?"
"And the second?" Lance asked.
"Where's the Brains?" Pyro said proudly.
"I told you not to ask him," Pietro gave Lance a look.
"I know, I know…" Lance sighed.
"I like the first one," Todd said.
"Big surprise," Lance groaned. "I hope you guys are careful sending out these things."
"We'll be fine as long as we don't do what my cousin Jeff did and have his mother send in a letter of recommendation in," Fred told them. "That never works!"
"No danger here with this crowd," Pietro snickered.
"Fathers are also included in that no no list as well," Pyro gave him a look.
"Damn," Pietro snapped his fingers.
"Basically you want to stay away from any blood relation or in law situation as much as possible," Fred told them. "Oh and pets don't count either. My cousin Irving learned that the hard way when he sent in a recommendation from his pet pig Sniffles."
"Turned him down flat huh?" Pietro said.
"Worse," Fred remarked. "They gave Sniffles the job over him!"
"I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that Sniffles never made it to his first day of work, did he?" Lance sighed.
"Oh no, he made it all right," Fred said. "Problem was he never came back! In fact he was never seen again after that day. But the next day the company sent him some free sausages, you know as a condolence for his missing pet. Tasted good too."
"O-kay," Lance took another deep breath. "Blob was this job at a slaughterhouse or something?"
"That is uncanny! How did you know?" Fred was amazed.
"Well Blob when you've heard as many of your family stories as I have over the years you tend to notice a pattern," Lance quipped. "By the way guys you might not want to mention too many details of your personal life on these resumes. Just a heads up here."
"They also don't like it when you say you work well in the nude," Pyro sniffed. "I don't know why."
"Yeah and bosses really hate it when you tell 'em you can't work Friday, Saturday and Sunday," Fred agreed. "Especially when you tell them those are your best drinking days."
"And whatever you do don't bribe them," Pietro groaned. "I wanted a job at Batercrombe and Glitch, that fancy clothing store. I put a picture of a car on the front of the resume and said if I got the job it would be a gift. What? They didn't like the color or something?"
"Pietro you don't have enough money for your own car, much less get one for someone else," Lance gave him a look.
"I could have stolen one, duh!" Pietro rolled his eyes. "I still don't get why they didn't hire me! I was the most qualified and honest person there! I told them I needed the money and a discount on clothes and that all the other salespeople had no idea what they were doing? What more could they want from me?"
"How about a few lessons on tact?" Lance gave him a look. "Oh also be careful what you fill out on that section where it asks if you've been arrested and why. Trust me, they say they want the details but they really don't want them. Particularly with diagrams and stuff."
"Yeah my cousin Jeff told his employer that he once stole a pig but it was okay because it was a really small pig," Fred agreed.
"This pig was Sniffles right?" Todd asked. Fred nodded. "Just checking."
"And was this job also at another slaughterhouse?" Lance asked.
"You got it again," Fred said in awe. "That's really creepy how you do that."
"You know what's really creepy?" Pietro asked. "I once knew this guy who said he hadn't worked in over three months because he was in morning over his cat dying! Can you believe that?"
"I know," Todd said. "Everybody knows that you only grieve a few days for a cat! A week if it was real old! Then you just go out and get another one! They're free! Just pick one up off the street or something! Animals die! Get over it!"
"With all the pets that expired in this house over the past few years you'd be in perpetual morning if you had the same attitude this guy had," Pietro agreed. "Which reminds me where's that old hamster you found the other day Toad?"
"You mean Baldy?" Todd asked. "Oh he didn't make it through the night."
"I'm sorry Toad," Fred patted him on the back. "Old age?"
"No, monster truck incident," Todd sighed. "You see I thought I'd cheer him up. Take him out for a night on the town. Took him to the monster truck show. He got loose and into Big Crusher…The guy driving the truck panicked, there was a crash and a fire…Yada, yada, yada…"
"I think we get the picture Toad," Lance sighed. "What time's the funeral."
"Well I figured we could do a little memorial after dinner," Todd said. "We didn't know him that long and he's already cremated. Even made him a little urn out of a slurpee cup. A small slurpee cup."
"Toad if nothing else works in life you can always fall back on a lucrative career as a pet mortician," Pietro rolled his eyes.
"It's good to have some practical work skills," Todd grinned. "That's what bosses are really looking for. Now to upload my resume onto one of those free websites that check out your resume and critique it for free."
Todd pressed a button. The computer spurted and started to smoke. "Wow I've never seen a website crash so fast before," Pyro blinked.
"What exactly did you write?" Pietro yelled at Todd. "On second thought don't tell me. I'm better off not knowing!"
"Darn it Toad that's the second computer this month!" Lance snapped.
"Relax Lance I can get them at a discount," Pietro waved.
"You're not stealing them from Bayville High are you?" Lance asked.
"Those old things?" Pietro gave him a look. "Please! Give me some credit! I steal 'em from Kelly's office!"
"Oh well then that's okay then," Lance nodded.
"Yeah but what about my resume yo?" Todd asked.
"What about it?" Lance asked. "Toad you are a mutant high school drop out delinquent that wrecks everything he touches! I mean what kind of career can a perpetual screw up have in life?"
"Way I see it either as a pop star or a Congressman," Todd shrugged.
"You gotta admit he's qualified," Fred pointed out.
"Still won't work out Toad," Lance said. "You have one huge handicap most of those people don't have. You have standards."
"Oh right," Todd realized. "Nuts!"