He wasn't one for tears, never really had been. Even as a small child while enduring the teasing on behalf of his ironic name or when he broke his leg playing field hockey, tears had never been the answer but crying now seemed to be appropriate. He had loved her, she had broken his heart, and she had left him here to figure out why alone hadn't she? Still he couldn't seem to make the tears fall, he wanted to he really did but some voice was in the back of his mind was telling him to hold in it. Move on. Yet he couldn't, so to take the sting away he devoted him self to his fraternity, to the jokes, to the partying, to the mind numbing-ness that came with drinking too much.
I know ashes slowly burn
But every fool has a lesson that's hard to learn
It's a desperate plea but I must say
Oh God help me make it just one more day
The drinking was something he couldn't stand but it seemed the only thing that couldfully take his mind off of her, that and fucking any girl that would have him and it turned out a lot would. Waking up to another body lying next to him, one that wasn't hers made him feel sick. No one could take her place he realized and eventually all he was doing was pretending to try and care about anything else. Except when he was alone at night where no one could see him slowly fall to pieces. Each day was a trial, one he felt he was losing; still he had to try no matter how heavy his footsteps got. And pretty soon his efforts of hiding blended into his daily routine, wake up to a drink, go to class if he could manage it and the party till he couldn't stand. Usually ending the night in another drunken stupor, some pretty girl on his arm another feeble attempt at forgetting her.
There's a glass on the table beside my bed
Where I sleep with a bottle and I wake up dead
I got a hole in the bottom of both my shoes
Hey my step's been heavy since I heard the news
Who it was she had left him for was what hurt the most, Evan Chambers wasn't any better than him, but wait, he was. He had money and connection and goals. A sturdy plan for her, one that she could rely on to carry her for the rest of her life. But hadn't he had plans too? Maybe not as elaborate as Evans but plans all the same, each one revolving around her and the life he had been so sure they would share. His relationship with her had been different, one he cherished, one he didn't intend on forgetting. Why then had she left like that? So abruptly that it left his head spinning and without even an attempt at an explanation, one minuet it was all "I Love You and Only You" headlong into "Goodbye" and she was gone like a wisp of smoke.
And I know just what you'll say
When I tell you that I'm sorry that I let you get away
Well you'll know I found out
That you're someone else's baby now
He saw her everywhere; he couldn't even step outside his front door without some kind of reminder of her. She was in line at the coffee shop, at the bar, in his classes, at the parties he went to but she was never alone. Evan was always there, both of them laughing at something they found extremely funny, he always thought that they were laughing about him and how pathetic they must think him. But he soon realized that he wasn't even a dot on her radar anymore, she had found someone else to fill the spot in her heart where he had been. Found that spot and filled it with Evan, he was oddly happy that she could move on so fast, if only he could do the same.
I see you when I walk down the street
Your smile's in the face of everyone I meet
Oh and it tears me up to know that he's touching you
And learning all the secrets that I once knew
He caught himself thinking about her constantly, wondering if her habits had changed at all and what she was like now. He wanted to pretend that she hadn't changed, that she was still his Casey but deep down he knew she wouldn't ever be able to remain herself. And part of him was happy about it, that she couldn't ever go back to that time and the other half told him he was torn apart by it because it meant that they would never have another chance. That was all he wanted, another chance to show her that he was worth the effort, that deep down she was what he needed to remain functioning and if she gave him the chance she would discover that she needed him as well.
Do you still leave your clothes piled on the floor
Maybe now you're different than you were before
You got a new way of walking and a different kiss
Oh to keep you together on a night like this
Was she actually happy? He couldn't really tell with her, she was so, so different now. Someone he barely recognized when he bumped into, her walk was different no longer the confident stride but a more timid one. Her laugh not as loud and boisterous but small and meek, he even imaged that her kiss had changed as well, that she would hide her passion and just kiss for show. He had always kissed her till oxygen was necessary and she had kissed back just at fiercely. He felt that in her kiss he knew exactly what she was feeling, her anger, her lust, her want for him and him alone. If only he could feel her lips collide with his one more time he was sure she would remember everything. Remember protesting protests and eating pie in his bed, but those were things he was sure they would never do again. Together or apart.
And I know just what you'll say
When I tell you that I'm sorry that I let you get away
Well you'll know I found out
That you're someone else's baby now
So if he had never found it in his life to cry and the voice was telling him he shouldn't, why did he feel like he was on the verge of something bigger than himself? Why was he suddenly that child lonesome and confused at a playground full of people, why was he was alone in a crowded room? A crowded room with no Casey to make him feel rooted like she always had. He wasn't crying because big boys didn't cry and Cappie was a big kid. Wasn't he?