Disclaimer: I do NOT own Yugi-oh!
Disarraying Reminiscences
I don't even know to where I am drifting, any longer. Nothingness coils tenderly around my heart until I can no longer breathe.
Is that all that's left now? A lifetime of promises and words whittled down into empty stares, angry words and emotionless touches?
A lifetime of promised love converted into a desert of simple comfort?
Where is the new world? The one I followed you to, unquestioningly and trustingly.
When have the words of kindness and love become nothing more than empty sounds, devoid of any emotion?
You won't even look at me…the only heated words that leave your mouth are those of anger… and where is my heart meant to lie?
Where am I supposed to go when I'm living in a gilded cage, living off the breadcrumbs of lost passion?
In an ocean of nothingness I drift, allowing it to carry me to where it will…I don't even care anymore. When had that happened? When did I give up?
Questions spin and taunt but won't chase away the cocoon of emptiness I still bear.
When did I lose you? Why? Did I not do everything in my power to make you happy?
To make everything alright? I followed to the ends of the earth and further still….and all to have to endure dispassionate looks, thoughtless words and meaningless touches.
And why? Do I deserve this? Is it my fault? No matter what I do, it's never enough, never useful to you.
What more could I give? I gave you all my love, my support and trust, all and everything I could humanly give…and then some….
What more do you want? Why can't you just see the spiral of oblivion you've pushed us into?
Like a stubborn child, I cling to the comfort of what's left, all the while refusing to see what is no longer there. Perhaps it is my fault…perhaps you really can love a person too much.
Trapped in images from the past and the luke-warm tenderness of what we used to have I trudge on praying that everything is just a bad dream from which I will soon awake…safe
and content, happy in your arms; and you will wake up and smile that smile that always makes my heart skip a beat…the one you haven't shown me in years.
Maybe, just maybe, if I keep going a little longer you'll realise the space that has come to reside between us and maybe…you'll love me again like you used to…
Am I a dreamer? Do I ask for too much? The walls of the room keep the answers to themselves.
The darkness has always been a terrible conversationalist, but maybe you'll hear my tears someday…even if you refuse to hear my voice, even if you refuse to see what's going on.
I still walk steadily, by your side; being there as I have always been and as I always thought I would be…
Would you think me selfish if I tell you how much I've been feeling these past few years?
Would you think me petty if I confessed how much your distance is hurting me?
I'm only just starting to understand myself how much it can hurt to be next to someone and yet be miles apart from them, and it's not fair!
I didn't want this! I just wanted to be happy…with you! Is that too much to expect of this life?
Happenings have made me so confused and angry and disheartened I can't even stand being awake anymore, constantly trying to bury pain and reality in a never-ending sequence of
meaningless tasks…a routine to help me forget that you're here, and you're not with me, and how much that hurts…
I gave, and I give still and I see my limits on the horizon and it just makes me wonder, everyday, if today will be the day when I reach them.
It hurts to see how much closer they've come compared to earlier days.
It's sad, isn't it? I can't even contemplate it and I almost hate the thoughts that haunt my mind morning and night…thoughts that see me away from you…and happy.
It hurts to know all we've had is just going and you don't even want to see what you're doing, and how much it hurts me.
Are you really that blind, or do you just not want to see it?
I wonder…would it really be better- to be without you?
I don't even know anymore, and it breaks my heart.
I would've never even considered this question a little while ago, and if it did happen to incidentally happen to cross my mind, I would've certainly brushed it away as silliness and
defended our love and what we have, what I thought we had…now, it's different: like a dream turned into a nightmare; I'm haunted day and night by plaguing uncertainty picking at
my heart, tearing me to pieces slowly.
I used to believe in so much, and always you were the first and most certain constant in my life.
For me to even contemplate this and think it's no longer the case…it's like ripping away the centre of my universe…perhaps I just need to restructure, make myself the center…act
like you; but I can't do that.
It's funny…it all started with the little things…isn't that always the way?
Now, the tapestry of our life together, so caringly woven, is slowly unravelling and drawing me away from you…
The red thread of fate is unwinding…losing its grip on us-making me lose my grip on you.
My heart, bleeding and broken before you, is waiting for you to pick her up, yet you keep treading over her, reopening the same old wounds…
It's not fair to me…my only fault is having loved you. Have I not given you everything?
Listened to you, supported you, comforted you, loved and helped in every way I knew how? Yet…it's never enough.
I've given with every single fibre of my being…and I don't regret for one instant having done so…but…I can't keep gambling my future in the hope you'll someday open your
eyes…you have yet to do so and I've been waiting for so long…
I lose myself in echoes of days gone by…hearing you laughter. You hardly laugh anymore.
Happy moments from when we were younger sear my eyelids every single time I close my eyes.
Will you notice my tears this time? Will you ask me how my day has been, and actually listen to my answer, ever again?
Will I ever get to see you look at me, like you used to - as though we're the only ones in the room in on an important secret?
Will you ever hold me…just to hold me, and not because I asked you to?
Am I being to girlish and fanciful about what my life should be?
I look over to you…working at your computer. You don't even notice me anymore. Is it my fault?
Today was my birthday…all I got from you was a nicely wrapped (and no doubt expensive) gift. Not one word, not one touch, not one kiss.
I cradle the small package in my hands as I walk off to my room; trying foolishly to absorb what traces of your heat still linger on the box…hoping to catch even the smallest tinge of
your essence.
Tears start falling…one, two, three…
I think for a moment about walking in your study and smashing the computer in the hope you'll notice me the next day…I almost laugh at my childish thoughts.
You'd only get angry…like you've been getting angry with everything else I do.
More tears spill; inside me rages an angry torrent. I gave up everything to be with you!
Everything…and you just throw gifts at me, as though it makes a difference.
Take your gifts! I don't need them…I only need you.
My grip tightens on the small bottle of perfume, my hand is poised to throw it…and I feel just the tiniest trace of shame: I'm acting like a spoiled teenager who can't get her way.
Tears spill forth ceaselessly and sobs rise from the depths of my heart. You wouldn't even care if I did throw it. You'd just get me another…or ignore it altogether….
The darkness of our room is oppressing…I lie on the bed…shadows of your fragrance waft from your pillow and I bury my head in it trying to relive days long gone-by: days when
you didn't need a reason to hold me, or kiss me, or run your hands through my hair…days when I could bury my face in your chest and let the lullaby of your heartbeat lure me to
sleep.
The sobs tear at my body…Great! Now your pillow is wet too…
'Maybe this time he'll notice something's wrong…and ask about it…and listen…like he used to…' my ever-optimistic mind susurrates.
I bury my face deeper in the pillow and let your smell invoke vestiges of our past.
"Now what's wrong?" Your voice cuts through the silence- emotionless.
"Umm…" I try to recover my breath, and stop my sobs. Drying my eyes on the sleeve of my robe, I half-snort unceremoniously.
"Well?"
'You never were a patient one'
I'm half-trapped between feeling angry or starting to bawl again. You're words are dispassionate. You don't care.
Shaking my head for emphasis I manage to mumble it's nothing.
"Fine then. I'm off to bed."
Hopeful mind-0; me-1
"Good night."
"Oh by the way. Can you make sure that you wake me up at the right time tomorrow?"
So, I woke him 5 minutes later than I should have the other day. Who would've guessed the Seto Kaiba had problems waking up in the morning?
"Yes." My answer is clipped.
"Just make sure you remember"
I was seriously considering punching him. He just didn't know when to drop things!
"So are you coming to bed?"
"In a minute. I just need to…go to the bathroom."
"Make it quick"
'Yes, master' my mind added impishly…at least someone was learning.
I returned to find him reading one of his books on formatting data bases or some such thing. As usual he didn't even acknowledge my presence.
I lie down next to him…he turns to switch off the light, and with that our entire conversation is over.
"I…uh…really loved the gift you got me…" I try to make small talk
"Hn…"
"How did you know to get it?"
"I know you"
"Really?" I tease him. "Then…do you know what I'm thinking?"
Oh, the fun we used to have when we'd start playing this little game…and he would guess outrageous things…that suddenly became very plausible once his mouth met mine…
"I've never alleged I could do such a thing."
Hmmm…maybe not this time…
"Ara…a task the great Seto Kaiba can't perform." I choose my words carefully.
"Even I can't perform the impossible."
Shut down-again!
"You could try…" Ok, my flirting arsenal definitely needs a little polishing.
"I'm tired. I have to get up early tomorrow. Did you have anything important to say, because if you didn't I have to get to sleep."
I feel like I've just been slapped.
"Important! Now I have to have a reason for wanting to talk to you! What next? Will you expect me to talk to your secretary about what time would best suit your schedule to come
home and kiss me hello? Or goodnight!"
"I already said I was tired, now stop your hysterics."
Your coldness is almost admirable. It would be almost funny, if it wasn't real.
"Hysterics! Excuse me! Not all of us can be 'reasonable' CEO's made of ice and with 6 foot sticks up our backsides! "
"You're resorting to petty language- your argument can hardly be all that strong."
Your eyes are empty and your voice cuts me like a whip of ice. You just don't care do you?
"You know what? Go have your precious beauty sleep! But you'll have to wake up on your own tomorrow coz I'm not doing it!"
"Now you're just being childish."
"Well that's fine with me! At least I know I can still exhibit some form of human emotion! Not all of us seem to have that ability."
"Irrationality is not something you should be proud of, dear!" The last word is spat out.
"I'm talking about anger. You've been showing all the emotional response of an ice cube! Actually, I think I've seen stones exhibit more emotion than you have towards me lately."
"Excuse me for being busy trying to put bread on the table and a roof over our heads"
"Yes, coz the entire world would collapse if it weren't for you holding it up by its breeches!"
"This is getting ridiculous! The discussion is over!"
"The discussion isn't over, just because it suits you!"
But you've already turned away and I know anything else I say will fall on deaf ears.
I get out of bed, and you don't even deem to ask where I'm going.
Do you really not care anymore?
Pulling on tightly to the lapels of my bathrobe I walk out of the room quickly.
I run into the study…one of the studies, which you don't use very often.
Hugging my knees to my chest, I try and fit even more into the old velvet-padded arm chair.
Images of our past together start floating through my mind…I see them…ethereally transposed in front of me…our first date…our first kiss…dancing together…our first
anniversary…walking in the rain…having lunch together…the deluge of tear-mingled memories continue.
What happened? Why didn't you look at me anymore?
I shake my head trying to dispel the images of our past, and concentrate instead on the room…the bookshelves lining the walls from the floor to the ceiling, the heavy crimson drapes,
the mahogany desk. I remember this room.
This is…
More tears assault my eyes. I wish I could just dry up…I don't even feel like I have any more liquid in me to possibly cry…still the tears keep flowing.
You…proposed to me in this room…all those years ago. I was sitting in this very chair.
Flashback
"Anything wrong?"
"No."
"You look preoccupied."
"I'm thinking"
"About?"
Yes even then you had this inane gift of gab.
"I was thinking about us."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"I think we need to change some things around here…"
I fondly remembered how scared I was to hear those words…until I saw the glint of amusement in your eyes. I hadn't seen that glint in years. A small smile creases my face despite
myself.
You looked almost flustered.
"Mou! Don't tease my like that Seto-kun! You scared me back there!"
You chuckled, then…that rich, dark laughter spilling lavishly onto my welcoming ears.
"That's good…now we're in the same state of mind"
"Oh…? Is the great Seto Kaiba scared?"
"It would be unwise not to be…if you will recall a certain Mr Darcy…"
What did Mr Darcy…? The words swam in my head, not making any sense… and then…it all fell together with a resounding 'click'. You looked at me seriously, and because Seto
Kaiba never does anything half-heartedly, you got down on one knee…
"Will you accept to be my wife, please, Anzu?" you whispered.
Those words echoed in my ears then…as they did now.
My vision blurred again, as I saw the younger version of myself nearly tackle you to the ground in a flurry of tears, laughter and giggles.
End Flashback
The tears falling now are unaccompanied by any laughter, or giggles. They slip pathetically down my face and onto the floor.
The darkness drapes itself around me, asphyxiating me…my heart breaks a little more…
I will…I do…I love you…
My words come back to haunt me and, as another piece of me breaks away, the string of fate so tightly wound around us then loosens further.
Author's Notes: Ara- (interjection) Oh?
Mou- (interjection)Geez!
When Elizabeth is being proposed to by Mr Darcy she becomes incensed by his obvious confidence that he will be accepted, and is that much harsher in rejecting him (well, that and a few other reasons-like him insulting her family). Anyway, the point was that Seto was trying to tell her that he was nervous and since we all know he doesn't like expressing such 'weaknesses' I thought he might use some allusions.
This is for all my wonderful supporters- you are all great and I love hearing from you! Thank you always for all your kindness!