EPISODE 73: 60 MINUTES
This is the second episode of my M*A*S*H series. I hope you like it. It's supposed to be in "real time" you know, like 24, so it's sort of in script format. I didn't time it, so don't email me and tell me one of the scenes is half a minute short because I don't care. Enjoy!
4:50PM – 5:00PM
OPENING CREDITS.
FADE IN:
INT. THE SWAMP – 4:50PM
Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar and Henry are sitting around a small table playing poker because they have nothing better to do. The unit has been casualty-free for almost a week and the monotony of boredom set in long ago. Radar deals a hand and they all pick up their cards.
HAWKEYE
You'll never guess who I have a date with tonight.
TRAPPER
Nurse Baker.
HAWKEYE
Yeah. How did you know?
TRAPPER
You boasted about it already at lunch. Adrienne bet you wouldn't get past first base.
HAWKEYE
Oh yeah. I wouldn't mind getting past first base with her.
TRAPPER
Which one?
HAWKEYE
Doesn't matter.
Trapper grins.
RADAR
(annoyed)
Are we playing poker or not?
HAWKEYE
What's your hurry? You got another war to go to?
TRAPPER
Maybe one that won't stunt your growth?
RADAR
That's not funny!
Henry removes his cigar from his mouth.
HENRY
Can we get on with it?
HAWKEYE
OK, OK. Open for five.
They all place an opening bet.
RADAR
How many?
TRAPPER
Two.
HAWKEYE
One.
HENRY
Three.
Radar gives them their cards. He takes two for himself.
RADAR
Dealer takes two.
They look over their cards for a moment.
RADAR
I'm in.
He places another five dollars on the table, as does Hawkeye and Trapper. Henry throws his cards down.
HENRY
I'm out. Adrienne sure is a feisty one, isn't she? Do you know what she said to me the other day?
HAWKEYE
What?
HENRY
That I'd almost be attractive if I lost 20 pounds.
The others burst out laughing.
HAWKEYE
I call.
They show their cards. Radar has two pairs, two jacks and two tens. Trapper has a full house, but Hawkeye prevails with a straight flush. Both Trapper and Radar throw their cards down in frustration while Hawkeye stands and bows to an invisible audience.
HAWKEYE
Thank you, thank you very much!
He eagerly takes his winnings. Radar looks up like he hears something. The others notice and freeze.
TRAPPER
What's the matter? You hear choppers?
RADAR
No. Adrienne's coming.
On cue, the door opens and Adrienne strolls in. She's completely out of uniform, wearing a knee-length black skirt, black high heel boots, a black fedora and her NYU t-shirt. She's a vision of co-ordination. Trapper looks up and stares at her. She's aware of it, too.
ADRIENNE
(pretending not to notice Trapper's staring)
Hey guys.
HAWKEYE
Hi Adrienne. What brings you here?
ADRIENNE
Boredom. Nothing else attractive about this place.
TRAPPER
Can you play?
ADRIENNE
A bit.
TRAPPER
Join in.
ADRIENNE
OK.
She sits in an empty seat next to Trapper. He smiles at her and she winks back.
ADRIENNE
Can I deal?
HAWKEYE
Sure. Want me to shuffle the cards first?
ADRIENNE
Nope.
She takes the cards from Radar and begins to shuffle them like an expert. The others all stare at her open-mouthed. She finishes shuffling and deals the cards out.
ADRIENNE
The name of the game is five-card draw. Jokers are wild and the opening bet is five bucks. You can discard up to four cards if the last one is an ace or a wild card. Gentlemen, place your bets.
They all put five dollars each in the middle of the table. They look over their cards.
ADRIENNE
So, Hawk, got anything special planned for Nurse Baker tonight?
HAWKEYE
Well, we're going to see the movie—
ADRIENNE
Won't that ruin it? I heard it's a war movie. How many cards?
TRAPPER
Two.
HENRY
Two.
RADAR
Three.
HAWKEYE
One.
They put down their cards and Adrienne gives them new ones. She takes one for herself.
ADRIENNE
Dealer takes one. OK, you're going to see the movie, then what?
HAWKEYE
I'm going to give her a thorough check up in the supply room.
ADRIENNE
You sure know how to treat a woman. I bet five.
TRAPPER
Me too.
They all place another five dollars on the table.
ADRIENNE
OK Radar, I see your five and I double it.
TRAPPER
I see your ten and raise you five.
ADRIENNE
Ooh, thrill seeker!
Hawkeye, Henry and Radar put in fifteen dollars as well.
ADRIENNE
I see and I call.
They reveal their cards. They all have good hands, but Adrienne has five aces, including a wild joker. The others stare in disbelief as she grins and takes her winnings.
HAWKEYE
I thought you said you could play a bit?!
ADRIENNE
I lied. I used poker winnings to pay for Harvard. Oh yeah, and money from hustling pool. And I used to deal black jack in a casino, too.
The others look at each other and stand up.
ADRIENNE
Aw, come on guys, I haven't finished thrashing you yet!
They continue heading to the door.
ADRIENNE
OK, I promise I won't win so easily! Come on!!
They just stand and look at her.
ADRIENNE
SIT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They race back and sit down. Adrienne looks satisfied.
ADRIENNE
Thank you. Henry, if you wouldn't mind dealing…
Henry gingerly takes the cards and shuffles them.
CUT TO:
INT. MARGARET HOULIHAN'S TENT – 4:55PM
Margaret is sitting on her bed while Frank paces the tent. His pacing is annoying her.
FRANK
I don't like the idea of leaving them here.
MARGARET
Neither do I, Frank, but if we want to spend the weekend in Tokyo we'll just have to.
FRANK
Who knows what they'll get up to while we're away?
MARGARET
They do whatever they want whether we're here or not. What difference does it make?
He sits on the bed next to Margaret.
FRANK
Last time I was gone they put peanut butter in all of my socks! They drew a moustache on my photo of my mother! And they placed a personal ad under my name in Nudists Quarterly!
MARGARET
I know they're completely contemptible, Frank, but we may not have another chance to go!
(smiles suggestively)
Besides, I have an outfit picked out especially for the trip…
FRANK
Really?
MARGARET
Uh-huh. It's see through under certain lights.
Frank gulps audibly.
MARGARET
Would you like a preview?
Frank smiles his lipless smile and nods. Margaret grins and stands up.
CUT TO:
INT. THE SWAMP – 4:56PM
Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Henry and Adrienne are playing another hand. There's quite a lot of money on the table. The others are watching Adrienne intently as she stares at her cards. She deliberately takes her time. She eventually puts $20 down.
ADRIENNE
I call.
The others nervously put their cards down. Adrienne smiles and shows her hand. Royal flush. The guys groan. Adrienne giggles proudly and takes her winnings.
HAWKEYE
How did you do that?
ADRIENNE
I have a system. Another game?
TRAPPER
Forget it!
Adrienne shrugs and begins counting her loot.
HAWKEYE
I'd better go, I have post op duty.
ADRIENNE
(sarcastically)
Have fun!
HAWKEYE
You know, I hope you get robbed.
ADRIENNE
(pointing)
You're just sore because you were beaten by a girl!
TRAPPER
He's just sore because he was beaten.
ADRIENNE
Ha-HA!!
She continues counting. Henry stands up.
HENRY
I'm going back on duty. Radar—
RADAR
Coming, Sir.
HENRY
—Are you coming?
Henry hangs his head and sighs.
HENRY
I wish you'd stop doing that.
RADAR
Sorry, Sir.
Henry, Radar and Hawkeye leave. Adrienne finishes counting and tucks the money in one of her boots while Trapper gets himself a martini. Adrienne stands up and looks at him. He looks really cute in his bathrobe (not the yellow one, the other one). She cocks her head to the side.
ADRIENNE
Well. We're all alone.
TRAPPER
Looks like it.
She smiles somewhat seductively.
ADRIENNE
I wonder what we're gonna do now…