It's the first winter since I took over the farm. I'm on the floor, wrapped in coats and pulling on an extra pair of socks. I grew up in a sunny place and have never adjusted to the cold. I have not adjusted to idleness either but that is exactly what the snow brought upon me. The first few days, I still had some leftover fall chores. I cleared the remains of frosted crops off the fields, mostly. That took a surprisingly long time because I'd planted so much that autumn. Then there was the usual collecting and shipping and brushing. Then I was bored. I fished and I helped with the dig but I was bored out of my mind. I had come to care for crops and livestock, not do mediocre tasks like digging and fishing.
Now that was a little mean. Carter worked hard on his research. It wasn't just "digging." I sigh and think about the extra hours I'd have to help him to feel better about my betrayal of thoughts. "Jill?" I finish lacing up my boots as Takakura comes in the house. He moves slowly, carefully, but his face is lacking the usual gruff expression.
"Yes?" I say when he doesn't continue. He spends a few moments looking at me and I feel a little uncomfortable. I wish he would wax his eyebrows, and I wish I could stop being so mean. He's an old guy. He doesn't need to manscape.
"Mary Beth is delivering," he says. The words come slow, very slow. He is clearly not worried about her, and so I do not worry.
"I'll set up the calf hutch," I say. He extends a hand to me as a support to stand up. I think about telling him that I am plenty strong, thank you very much. The words are coiled in my mouth, a little bitter, a little rude. I can't help myself. That is, I can't help myself until I remember exactly why I am bundled up. "Crap!" I grab his hand and yank myself up. "She's giving birth now? It's snowing! Her baby can't stay outside. Holy mother..." The words die in my throat as he smiles a little.
"It'll be fine," he assures me, reaching out. I frown, thinking he is going to touch my face. Instead he tugs down on my hat, adjusts the flaps, smiles again. "Set up the hutch and I will go see how Mary Beth is doing." He is always so calm and handles things so well. I am partly grateful for his help and mostly infuriated. I want to be the shining star of the farm. I want to be the reason the farm turns a profit and the livestock are fat with health and happiness. I reach up and push my hat off balance and stick my tongue out. The mass of hair above his eyes lift up and I am not sorry. "You are not much like your father," he says.
"Yeah well he's dead. And I'm alive and I am going to take care of this calf all by myself," I say. I feel the waves of immaturity swelling in my stomach and filling me with the irrational desire to scream until I get my way. I can't understand why Takakura has suddenly decided to talk to me, after all this time shut up and miserable.
"I'm here to help." He fixes my hat again and this time I don't mess with it.
"Why?"
"That's not an important question," Takakura says and he smiles again. This is the most I have ever seen him smile. I feel as if he is doing it to torment me, to push me into being a brat. If that's his goal, he has succeeded. "Will you allow me to help?"
"That's not an important question," I mock. I push past him, forgetting for a second that his body is considerably frailer than mine. He stumbles and I remember. I pause in my angry stomp out, one hand already curled around the doorknob. He is straightening himself, as much as he can with his terrible posture. I don't know what to do. I feel childish and sorry. I feel angry and justified.
Takakura is looking at me kindly after I shoved him. I let my fingers slide off the knob and turn around to face him. I'm doing him a favor, really. If he didn't have this farm, he'd have nothing and no one. "Let's visit Mary Beth," I say. "We can set up the hutch together." He slides past me and holds the door open for me. The snowflakes burn as they melt on my cheek.
I wish it was summer again, when I was busy and able to avoid social interaction. But it's not. It's winter and Carter is always asking me out for drinks and touching me and I think digging is stupid. The calf is doing fine, thanks to Takakura. I didn't ask for his help past the hutch but he gave it. I've been avoiding him so I can't ask him to stop. I know I shouldn't, anyway. The plants are my babies but the animals are his.
"So, I'll see you tonight?" I blink and almost fall off the fence. It's not a good idea to drift off in thought when you're balancing on an inch thick surface. Especially not when you're going to be brought back to reality by nasal, high-pitched tones. Carter has the voice of a gay man. That was mean. I try to focus extra hard on his eyes to make up for it.
"Uh," I say. Carter is smiling and holding my hands in his. When did that happen? The hands, not the smile. He always smiles. It's this goofy look that I would often like to smack off his face.
"Sorry, Carter. The farm needs her tonight." Takakura's voice is deep and I can feel his breath on my neck as he swings himself up on the fence. He towers above both of us as he stands on the bottom plank, his hands fastened on the top boards. I've never seen him make such a nimble move. Carter goes red and drops my hands. I flex my fingers and smile at Takakura. He is solemn and staring at the blond archeologist.
"Alright. Well then. Er, bye, I guess. I'll - Bye, Jill." Poor Flora. I can't imagine being in love with a man so awkward and feminine. Rude. Rude. I really need some kind of filter that stops all my cruel thoughts. Or at least makes me unaware of them. If I tried to repress everything, my mind would probably explode and then I'd have melty brain bits dripping out of my ear. Yuck.
"I'm not really needed at the farm," I say.
"Of course you are. We always need you." We. So maybe he didn't look down on me for my little outburst. I turn to smile at him. He is sitting beside me now, looking at the distant dot that is Carter, using his hands to balance and also to touch my leg. I know it's not on purpose but I think about asking him to move away.
"Why did you stay here?" I ask, remembering when he had earlier deflected my question.
"I like to farm," he says.
"Yeah but you could have gone to any other farm. Why stay here? My dad died here and your wife," I say and consider a moment too late that maybe that isn't the wisest thing to do. He's finally talking to me, after all. I might just push him back to his brooding. But maybe then I can take over the farm and do great things and prove I'm not just a little girl dependent on him! Yeah! Takakura finally turns and looks at me and I notice for the first time he has very big eyes. They're just hidden by his bush of eyebrows.
"It's my home," he says. "Why are you here?"
"Oh, you know. To escape the city life and all that. Get some fresh air." I smile, puff out my chest in some sort of gesture that would be a lot stronger if I was male. Instead I look like I'm shoving my boobs in my face. If he notices my awkward movement he doesn't comment. I rearrange myself into a slouch and he keeps talking.
"No," he says. "Why are you here?"
"My dad wanted me to be here," I say, frowning. He's being annoying again. I'm about to hop off the fence and walk away. Or maybe push him off. Except he'd probably die. I could push him off and then move super quickly and save him. Then he'd be so grateful he'd stop moping and being old.
"So...you're doing all this for your father." Takakura reaches up and rubs the stubble on his chin.
"Well, maybe! Why'd you ask me here, anyway? You were doing fine by yourself. It's not like you're in danger of dying any time soon. You're like what, 60?"
"40," he says and his small little smile is back. "How would your father have a friend 20 years older than him?" I shrug. His tone is too condescending and I am seriously considering walking away. But I know I won't. That would just be rude. "I think you asked a very important question. Why did I ask you here? I am more than capable, as you said." He slides off the fence and turns around to face me. I can feel his breath on me again. Too close.
"I don't know. You were lonely?"
"I was lonely. But I did not expect you to be good company." I almost get mad. I look away and remember that I'm not good company. I'm mean and immature. That's why I like plants. They don't talk or get emotional or expect me to be rational and grown up.
"Well, at least I didn't disappoint you," I say, hopping off the fence, twisting a few steps away from him. My feet hit the ground in a painful way. My bones hurt so bad for a second that I almost cry. I feel the tears pushing in my eyes. Then it's gone and my feet are fine and I don't understand why that happens. I push my toe across the dirt and the resulting imprint is wide and shallow.
"No. You far surpassed my expectations." He says this with the air of sharing a secret and he is still smiling. I am watching my foot, not Takakura, but I know. There is a few moments of silence and I want to speak but I know I don't have to. He reaches up and puts his hand on my shoulder, squeezes, walks away. I can still feel his fingers against my shoulder blade even as I hear the door to his house click shut. I breathe out and breathe in beautiful clarity.
A/N: So this is for the Village Square Writing Festival thingy, theme secrets. Most of my references to the theme are supposed to be 'buried' but hopefully still discernable.