Disclaimer: I still don't own Dead Poets Society. I would like Charlie for my birthday, though. I request that he's left on my doorstep- no wrapping is required.
A/N: I've lost track of how long it's been since I started this one-shot so I was really happy to finally get it done. Although it turned out completely differently from how I envisioned it, I'm actually quite proud of it and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Obviously, I took the liberty of pretended Charlie didn't get expelled to make the idea work. It's inspired by Coldplay's song "Fix You" and I ended up sticking close to the lyrics as I wrote because I'm convinced it's the perfect song for this pairing. Thank you for reading and reviewing!
There's an eerie silence that's fallen over the entire campus. The wind continues to blow but even it seems to have lost its whistle. The trees are silent when they shake and bend. The crunch of freshly fallen snow is muffled. The sky is covered by an almost omnipresent layer of angry purple and black clouds, giving off the illusion that the rest of the world is mourning too. It's almost always dark and it's almost always snowing. The gloom is rather appropriate.
Todd is tired and lost and cold and silently cursing Charlie Dalton for having the brilliant idea of meeting in the cave in the middle of the night. His shoes are filling with snow and the hood of his coat is now similarly weighted down with it, numbing the skin around his shoulders and the back of his neck.
He doesn't want to do this. He knows he shouldn't be doing this. It's too painful for him to do this. But he can't not do it.
Todd begins to lightly gnaw on his bottom lip as he nervously glances over his shoulder to verify his whereabouts. He's never made the trek alone and the darkness surrounding him has only added to his confusion. Everything around him has blurred into one big haze of trees and snow and he can't tell which way is up or down or to the cave or back to school.
All he wants is to be back in bed- curled up and warm and asleep but he knows that anything, even wandering aimlessly through the forest at two o'clock in the morning, is better than being faced with a silent room and an empty bed.
He closes his eyes to block the thought of that and proceeds to trip over a concealed tree branch, crying out in frustration and pain as his hand grazes a stray branch as he reaches out for something to break his fall. Todd's lower lip trembles and even though no one is around, his face heats up in embarrassment as he shoves his frozen- and now bleeding- hands into his pockets.
He pauses for a moment to take a breath and collect himself. Adrenaline is coursing through his system and his own thudding pulse is echoing loudly in his ears. He feels as if he's on the verge of tears- weary and worn down by exhaustion and frustration over things well out of his range of control. Todd's tired of that- of not having control over the things that happen to him- and he's tired of hurting.
He wants to give up- on everything and everyone- but he presses on, lusting after some feeling of normalcy. He pretends that this is nothing more than a normal late night meeting and that he's just fallen behind. He's not lost and his friends are right ahead of him and Neil is leading the way. He can imagine the sounds of their hushed laughter and talk and everything is as it should be.
The raw hole that's etched its way into his heart begins to ache and then suddenly the tears are forming- blurring his vision and stinging his eyes. He utters a choked sob as he pushes through the branches and brush, determined to make it to the cave in one piece- both emotionally and physically. He's spent enough time crying and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He doesn't want to do any of it.
Todd stumbles his way through the darkness and just as he begins to seriously contemplate turning back, the sound of crunching leaves filters in from behind him causing his ears to prick up and the hair on the back of his neck to rise in alarm. He whirls around and squints into the almost non-existent light. He takes a hesitant step forward and as he does so, he realizes he's not as alone as he thought as he slams directly into Charlie.
His hands tumble out of his pockets and flounder at his side for a moment as he struggles to keep his balance. Charlie's arms wind themselves around his waist as he wobbles a little himself, doing his best to keep them both upright. "Damn it, Anderson," he growls, grabbing a hold of his jacket and hauling him back onto his feet.
Todd's still cradled against his chest in an awkward embrace and he's just so relieved that all of his fears and every single other emotion running rampant within him is replaced with an odd sense of comfort. Charlie's warm and his touch is familiar and Todd instinctively nuzzles his face into his chest, taking advantage of the situation for as long as it lasts.
Charlie holds him there in their half-way hug for just a moment to let them both fully recover their balance before he pulls back, delivering a good natured slap to Todd's back. "I was starting to think you weren't coming."
Todd's face flushes all over again and he lowers his gaze to the ground. "I-I-I got lost," he stutters, struggling to get the words out from his chattering teeth.
Charlie simply nods and adjusts his jacket a little, brushing off a few stray pieces of brush. "I figured. Come on."
He takes Todd by the hand as he leads him towards the cave, causing his heart to hammer against his chest. He's never held hands with anyone before and even though that's not technically what they're doing, the gesture overwhelms him all the same. He follows Charlie in a daze, unable to tear his attention away from their joined hands.
He stumbles into the cave behind Charlie and awkwardly stands near the mouth, shoving his hands back into his pockets. Charlie takes his seat by the fire that's already blazing and raises an eyebrow as he meets the gaze of the timid boy in front of him. "Sit down."
Todd immediately drops himself onto the nearest rock, not needing to be told twice. He stares down at the fire between them and raises his hands up in front of it, reveling at the feeling of having blood flowing through them again. They sit in silence for several minutes and Charlie smokes while Todd watches and warms himself up.
Charlie coughs and flicks his cigarette into the fire when he finishes, catching Todd's attention. "I'm worried about you," he starts, his tone laced with an air of seriousness that's very rarely present.
The confession catches him off guard and Todd's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. His mouth goes dry and it takes him a moment to formulate a response. "A-About me?" he reiterates and he cringes a little when he realizes just how stupid that really sounds.
Charlie seems to agree because the corner of his mouth curves up into a smirk. It's barely genuine and it fails to even begin to scrape the surface of any real emotion but Todd is glad to see it anyway. It's a start. "Would I be talking to anyone else?"
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat and uncomfortably clears his throat. "W-Why are you worried about me?"
A silence settles over them again as Charlie contemplates his answer. Instead of giving one, he stands again and makes his way over to sit beside Todd. The close proximity causes Todd to squirm again and he swallows thickly, feeling utterly uncomfortable.
Though he's always considered them to be friends, he would never thought of them as being all that close. He never wanted to make the assumption that he was anything more but a speck in the background of Charlie Dalton's life but the look he's giving him- piercing and concerned and passionate- tells him otherwise. "Why wouldn't I be worried?" Charlie questions, his voice soft and quiet. "I care about you."
Todd falters and his breath hitches in his throat. His eyes begin to fill with tears again and he quickly adverts his gaze to avoid letting Charlie see them. He cares. Somehow the knowledge of that seems hard to believe because that's all he's ever really wanted. For someone to care. "T-T-Thank you," he manages to choke out and the tears he fought so hard against finally well over.
Charlie automatically drapes his arm around Todd's shoulder and pulls him closer. He can feel his frame start to shake with the force of his sobs and it just kills him to have to see him this way. No one should have to hurt that much. No one should have to suffer like that. "Shh," he soothes, gently running his hand across Todd's back. "It's okay."
Todd shakes his head and begins to mumble through the force of his cries, insisting that it's "not okay" and he's "not okay" and reminding them both that Neil is dead and gone and Charlie just wants to shake him and slap him to shut him up but he doesn't. He just holds him and lets him cry and tries to be as comforting as he knows how to be because he never wants to have to see this again.
When the sobbing ceases and the tears trickle off, Todd lifts his head and wipes his eyes. His cheeks are stained red from effort and embarrassment and he sniffles pathetically, trying to worm his way out of Charlie's grasp. His grip only tightens, though, so Todd just relaxes and lays his head on his chest, listening to the soft rhythm of his heart beat.
Charlie rests his chin on the top of his head and allows his eyes to flutter shut. He continues to rub Todd's back even though the need for comfort has quelled and a quiet sigh of contentment slips out from between his lips. "See? This is why I worry," he comments flippantly, earning a small, weak chuckle out of Todd.
"I miss him," he announces, his voice cracking just a little.
Charlie nods in agreement and chokes back the lump that automatically seems to form in his throat. "Me too."
Todd is silent for a moment before adding, "I loved him."
Charlie once again nods. "Me too," he repeats, unable to come up with anything else to say.
Todd sniffles again and he closes his eyes shut to avoid letting anymore tears form. Once was more than enough for one night. "It was a waste," he breathes, burying his face further into the fabric of Charlie's coat.
He doesn't know what to say to that so he doesn't say anything at all. He carefully lifts Todd's chin up with his thumb and stares into his watery eyes, letting his emotions do the talking for him. He hates seeing Todd so… broken. So defenseless and cut down. He misses seeing his eyes shimmer and light up over silly things like poetry and their club and Neil's often unconventional antics. He misses seeing him smile- a rare but treasured sight. He just misses seeing the life that the boy in front of him used to have. He needs to fix this. To fix him. Todd and himself.
He gently trails his fingers through his sandy hair and brushes his thumb over the dark circles beneath his eyes. Charlie knows he hasn't been sleeping well, despite being exhausted, and there are far too many nights where he's up as well and can hear the soft whimpers and cries emanating from the room across the hall. Exactly 124 days have passed since Neil's death and each and every one of them is reflected and sketched out perfectly across Todd's face. He's tired of having to see them and be reminded of the tragedy that's shaken both their lifes down to their very cores.
Charlie drops his hand at the exact moment Todd reaches up and they automatically wind them together like it was just meant to be. They don't fit together perfectly and there's a noticeable and sizable gap between their fingers that indicates that something's missing. Something's just not quite right.
They're two pieces from the same puzzle. They're the ones that are similar to the pieces that fit but aren't supposed to go together. Under the right circumstances and with a little bit of finagling, they'll work to complete the picture but it'll never be the perfect image. It can be close- nearly identical to the one that's supposed to form- and it'll work but there will always be something missing.
But Charlie doesn't care about the missing piece between them at the moment because Todd is looking at him and his eyes are brighter. It's faint but there's a sparkle there he hasn't seen in months- lit up and flickering in reflection from the flames of the fire. He nearly forgets how to breathe at the sight of it and a sense of pride and accomplishment rises up within him. He's done what he set out to do.
Todd opens his mouth to speak but Charlie silences him by placing a finger over his lips. He doesn't want meaningless words and insignificant gestures to ruin this. Whatever this may be. He can feel Todd's lips shift into a smile beneath his finger and he just nods in understanding.
Charlie pulls him back into his arms and leans back against the rock wall of the cave as Todd settles himself against his chest. He had had no plan when he extended tonight's invitation to Todd- no intention or idea on how he wanted to go about accomplishing his goal- but he somehow knows this is exactly what he wanted to happen. What needed to happen.
Todd maneuvers a little so he can look at up at Charlie and they stare at each other, enveloped in comfortable silence. Charlie traces his thumb across his skin and the soft planes of his lips but he doesn't kiss him like he wants to because that's not what the moment calls for. He knows that if he gets his way- and he will get his way- there will be plenty of time for that later on when they've both had time to heal and adjust.
They a share a smile and say everything they need to without saying anything at all. Thank you's and you're welcome's are exchanged through looks and promises of solace and romance and love are expressed with timid and gentle touches.
They lose track of how long they stay there together and by the time they exit the cave the next morning- hand in hand- the sky is starting to come alive. It's painted pink and the sun is rising, casting an orangey-yellow glow over the world and perfecting the picture perfect setting. The gloom is gone. The is darkness gone and there's no longer a need for it.
Todd smiles and gives Charlie's hand a delicate squeeze as they make their way back to school. Charlie answers with his own smile and for the first time in as long as Todd can remember, it's actually genuine and his heart flutters so rapidly when he sees it, he's afraid it might stop all together.
There's a renewed spring in his step and he can't remember the last time he felt so happy or cheerful or warm. It seems to go straight down to his bones, igniting a fire and spreading through him- creating an impenetrable shield.
This may not be what he wanted but in a way, it's better. Neil could never be replaced nor forgotten but Todd can finally try to start to let go and not dwell in the past. He can finally move forward because Charlie's helped him go from being lost to being found. He finally feels like he has a purpose- something to actually live for. And though his wounds are far from healed, he knows that one day, what seemed impossible to fix will be fixed.