Bring me back to holding hands in the rain

I've had time and I've had change
I've been broken but still I can't explain
Our July in the rain

Why'd I have to go and do you like that?
Thought I'd moved on, then you brought me right back
To the night you took my kiss away from me
I took yours too, then I lost you

It's raining.

The seemingly never ending waterfall from the sky almost feels as if it's crying the tears that Kazuya can't. His eyes are deceptively dry as he stares upward, tuning out the crowd in black surrounding him. All he can think is that this isn't the kind of goodbye Eijun would have wanted, all sombre, filled with crying, soft sniffles and a cloudy sky.

The rain makes a regular drumming noise on top of his umbrella, vaguely similar to a dancing rhythm.

He somehow manages to go through the motions, forces himself to nod and make affirmative noises when spoken to and generally does what's expected of him. Eventually, finally, it's over and Kazuya can escape the suffocating atmosphere after making a minimal amount of conversation with Eijun's parents without being considered impolite.

Kazuya breaks away from the all in black procession and starts to briskly walk toward his car. He can feel his walls start to crumble and while he's done a lot of crying the past few weeks, he can't get himself to do it in front of anyone but the person whose funeral they all just attended. If he can just make it to the car, just a few more meters –

"Kazuya."

He stops when he hears his name being called, back stiff. If it had been anyone else and spoken in something other than that exhausted, sad tone, Kazuya would have just kept walking. So he turns, trying to look stoic but unaware of the lines of weariness and grief on his face.

"What is it?"

"We…I just wanted to let you know that we're here for you." Youichi tells him, indicating the rest of the people who have gathered here today with a nod. His eyes are red-rimmed and the white in them an irritated pink from crying so much. Even his voice sounds stuffy. Kazuya glances over at them, his eyes flashing briefly in pain as he spots the tall tombstone hidden partially by the crowd. The only clearly identifiable people from where they are standing are the Kominatos; their bright pink hair sets them apart from the blacks and greys surrounding them. A little bit more of colour and life. He looks back at Youichi, not quite smiling but something like it.

"Thank you." Kazuya says, hoping he sounds more grateful than he feels. He can't feel anything but that hollow space in his chest where his happiness, his love, his heart used to be. He doesn't touch on it more than that because he knows it will be a gaping wound that won't stop bleeding if he does. He prefers the numbness, at least for now. Eijun would be so much stronger.

Kazuya blinks as he can feel that tell-tale hot haze building up behind his eyes. Youichi's hand lands on his shoulder and he looks up again.

"We're getting together tonight. Want to come?" Youichi hopes that his friend will take him up on the offer. He knows Kazuya isn't the type of person to show his emotions easily to anyone (except Eijun), but even so he noticed how much Kazuya has been struggling the last couple of months. Ever since Eijun's death a scarce week ago, Kazuya has become even more closed off, nothing that isn't to be expected really. But Youichi wants to make things just a little bit easier for him after he's suffered right alongside Eijun for so long. He deserves a break and some distraction.

As expected, however, Kazuya shakes his head, his glasses reflecting Youichi's face back at him instead showing Kazuya's eyes. "Sorry, I can't tonight. Busy."

They both know it's a lie but Youichi can't bring himself to voice his doubt, not when it's so obvious how fragile Kazuya is behind this mask he's wearing. So he just nods and squeezes his shoulder.

"Alright. Take care."

Kazuya nods and once more turns to go. Youichi watches him for a moment, wanting to say something but not sure how.

"If you change your mind, you're always welcome to join. Or come over, when you need to." he calls after him, the few meters separating them feeling like a chasm. Kazuya lifts his hand in acknowledgment but doesn't turn around. Youichi stays where he is until he has disappeared from sight, the rain making the air look misty.

Kazuya hasn't looked back, not once.

The sky is a brilliant blue, perfect for pitching.

That is, if Kazuya could be persuaded to catch for him. He's much too studious for his liking. Eijun catches the baseball he tossed into the air just a moment before, glancing sideways from the couch he's lying on, to Kazuya's bent head in front of him. Quiet scribbling noises are coming from his direction. Eijun assumes he's taking notes for one of the various boring subjects he's picked. His own schoolwork is in his bag which has been carelessly tossed to the other end of the couch earlier and then ignored.

Eijun lifts himself up enough to be able to put his head on Kazuya's shoulder, squinting at the small writing on the paper in front of him.

"What'cha doing?"

"Studying, bakamura. Same thing you should be doing." Kazuya gives back without missing a beat. He turns his head sideways, bumping his nose to Eijun's teasingly. "Do you want to fail your finals and not get into a good university?"

"I can think of much more fun things to do."

"Want to know what's fun? Not failing."

"Want to know what's not fun? You." Eijun falls back onto the couch, resuming his game of toss-and-catch. "You know how you could be much more fun? By catching my pitches."

Kazuya turns at his sullen tone, a fond but exasperated look on his face. "Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Come study with me for an hour or so and I'll catch ten of your pitches."

"Only ten?" Eijun pouts, shaking his head. "I cleared time in my very busy schedule just for you and you want me to study? Nah."

"Hmm, are you sure?" Kazuya grins mischievously, coming up on his knees to lean over Eijun. He stares up at Kazuya with wide eyes, watching him come closer until their lips meet. His heart beats erratically in his chest. It's true that Eijun comes to visit Kazuya whenever he can but it's still new that they can just do this so casually, that he is allowed to touch Kazuya like this. Eijun's arms are just starting to wind around him when he can feel Kazuya grin against his lips before detaching himself. "I can't persuade you at all?"

"Huh?" Eijun's eyes are glazed over. "What was the question?"

Kazuya's smirking now and sits back down, patting the place next to him. "Just come here, idiot."

They have a short staring contest which ends in Eijun blushing and looking to the side as he grudgingly slides down the couch.

"This is worth at least twenty pitches." he grumbles as he gets out his notes and puts them on the coffee table. He shivers involuntarily. "Hey, did you leave all the windows open again? You're going to get a cold if you keep doing that throughout winter."

Eijun looks up and freezes.

Kazuya is gone and there are no notes anywhere to be seen. The apartment looks strangely drained of colour and when he looks again, he can see it's not even Kazuya and Youichi's. It still feels familiar though. He stands up, looking around.

He's definitely still in a living room and that's definitely still the couch he was lying on earlier. He can see into the kitchen from here. Eijun starts to walk around, recognising more and more. As he passes through a doorway into a corridor, he rounds a corner with a strange feeling of dread welling up inside him. It intensifies as he keeps walking toward a door at the end of it. It's made of plain wood, unpainted to let the natural colour show, and slightly ajar as if someone had just left. Eijun hesitates slightly before entering.

It's a bedroom with a double bed. The daylight shining in through the window is duller than Eijun knows it to be, the sound of rain beating down on the glass and turning it blurry. The watery beam of sunlight falls right on to the left side of the bed, highlighting how perfectly made and untouched all of it is. His eyes wander around the room, familiarising himself with it. They still on a framed picture on a nightstand beside the right side of the bed. It shows a laughing couple, one man wearing a pair of thick framed glasses and the other with much too familiar amber eyes. Both look indescribably happy as they show off the two golden bands on their ring fingers.

Then memory slams into Eijun and he sinks to the floor with a baffling realisation.

"Oh my god."

"Hey, Kazuya."

Kazuya looked up from his book which was propped up on Eijun's legs laid across his lap.

"Yeah?"

Eijun didn't answer right away. He was looking straight up at the ceiling, his face all serious lines and frowns. Kazuya had a sinking feeling in his stomach at the sight and closed the book. "What's wrong?"

Eijun glanced at him, swallowing heavily at seeing the genuine worry in his boyfriend's eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut, the words he had to say lying heavily on his tongue and making nausea curl in his stomach. It growled as if in agreement.

"Are you hungry? I can make lunch. I'm not letting you inside the kitchen after you nearly burned it down that time." Kazuya said teasingly, trying to diffuse the obvious tension. He pushed Eijun's legs off his lap, a little surprised at the lack of resistance. Kazuya paused for a second, hesitant.

"Kazuya." Eijun sat up, reaching out for his hand. He pulled him back down to sit opposite of him. He swallowed again but forced himself not to look away, his grip on Kazuya's hand tightening just a little. "I-"

"You…?" Kazuya prompted, tense, when Eijun didn't continue for several seconds. He had a bad feeling about this. He didn't really want to know whatever it was that his boyfriend had to say. But at the same time he did; he didn't want Eijun to worry. It wasn't something he did, something he should be doing. Eijun was loud, obnoxiously so, and confident, not quiet and unsure. Kazuya leaned forward, his free hand reaching out to touch his cheek. Eijun barely flinched away from the movement but it was enough for Kazuya to notice. He dropped his hand back to his side, limp and cold. Eijun's eyes flickered away briefly before dull amber fixed on his face.

"I can't see you anymore."

Kazuya's blood turned to ice.

'I can't see you anymore.'

What?

Had Kazuya done something wrong? Was it something he said? He had thought they were happy. Had Kazuya read the signs wrong? Then there was that thing about them attending different universities, but he had thought they worked around it pretty well. Sure, it wasn't ideal but –

"Kazuya." Eijun watched Kazuya's face anxiously. It had shut down into the neutral mask he wore when something caught him particularly off guard. Eijun couldn't blame him. He would never have thought this would happen either. He didn't want it to but he had no choice. Kazuya abruptly let go of his hand.

"Why?" Kazuya finally made himself ask. It took a lot of conscious effort for him to make his vocal chords work and even so his voice sounded like it wasn't quite real.

Now Eijun did look away. This hurt more than he had thought it would, not a clean cut but a jagged one that bled at the edges and burned. "My family –"

"Your family?" Kazuya echoed, disbelief seeping into his voice. "Why now?" Why not a year ago?

Don't do this.

"It's – it's not –" Eijun interrupted himself, frustrated tears building up in his eyes. He reached up to muss his hair. "It's complicated."

"Yeah, family tends to be." Kazuya said dryly, crossing his arms. Amber eyes flashed over at him, maybe in surprise, maybe in annoyance. In Pain. Kazuya's throat felt tight. "Doesn't really explain anything though."

"Stop that." Eijun snapped at Kazuya's cold, mocking tone and a lurking smirk on his face. It wasn't the one he knew; this one was cruel. "Do you think I want to do this?"

"Well, I don't know, do you? When has whatever anyone else says kept you from doing what you want?" Kazuya countered, involuntarily getting louder. Eijun's eyes were wide, mouth open. "What's changed now?"

"I – look, I can't tell you anything different than what I just did." Eijun paused. "They're worried about me. That you're distracting me, that I can't concentrate on what I need to."

"Am I?" The question came out soft, more vulnerable than Kazuya wanted. There was another pause, one that stretched on into uncomfortable and telling silence. "I see."

"Kazuya –" Eijun came toward him, reaching out but he stepped back a bit, eyes shuttered.

Kazuya couldn't do this. He didn't understand. He didn't want to. He already felt cold even though the one person who made him feel warm was right there. All Kazuya had to do was reach out and stop him from leaving. It shouldn't be this hard, but his tongue felt like lead and his head full of fog.

"Are you…is this going to make you happy?"

Eijun stared at Kazuya with wide eyes. His voice was still monotone, his eyes hidden behind reflective glasses. It broke his heart more than his actions already had. "I –"

"Anyone home?"

They both flinched at Kuramochi's voice ringing out from the entrance. Eijun averted his gaze and stooped down to get his bag from beside the couch.

"I should go."

Kazuya watched Eijun leave without a word, without moving. He was frozen even though his head, his heart was telling him to go after him. There was an aborted greeting from Kuramochi followed by the slam of a door shutting. The sound echoed inside Kazuya's head.

Kuramochi emerged from the doorway, eyebrows raised high.

"What the hell was that about?"

His roommate's question made Kazuya tear his eyes away from the doorway and look at him. Kuramochi blinked at the intense emotion he saw on his face, becoming wary. "What did you do?"

It was almost comical to see Kazuya open and close his mouth as he searched for words to say. But what he said next didn't make Kuramochi want to laugh.

"I think I just got dumped."

Kazuya doesn't know how or when he made it back to the apartment. Because that's what it is now, not home. He's semi-aware of fumbling for his keys and turning them inside the lock. The click magnifies in the silence that awaits him behind the door and when it swings open, he doesn't enter.

Kazuya stares into the darkness, listening for awful music and the accompanying not so awful singing which never come. The corridor stays dark and empty, silent. He swallows heavily, switching on the light and steps inside. He closes the door behind him, sliding down until he sits on the floor. Tilting his head upward, Kazuya closes his eyes. He doesn't stop the tears from running down the sides of his face, doesn't clench his jaw to stop the pathetic sobbing noises from escaping. He's been strong enough for today.

Eijun doesn't know how long he's been sitting on the bedroom floor, head reeling with his discovery.

"This can't be happening. I must be dreaming – that's it! This is a nightmare, it's not real. It can't be." he whispers frantically to himself, holding his head. "It's not real, it's not real –"

He stops and looks up at the sound of a door opening somewhere nearby. Eijun stands, eyes catching on the mirror on the front side of the closet inside the room. They widen when he can't see anything in them. He has no reflection. Then he narrows his eyes, squinting until he can spot a faint outline. Next Eijun tries to glance at himself from the corner of his eye, catching the clearest silhouette yet. "Huh."

More noises draw his attention back to the direction from where he heard the door opening. They sound suspiciously like crying. Like very familiar crying. Eijun's whole body stiffens, chest seizing up at the heart-breaking sound. He starts moving toward the source as if on autopilot. His feet carry him to where he knows the front door is. They don't stop until they stand right in front of him.

"Kazuya." Eijun breathes more than speaks, looking down at him. He crouches down until he's on eyelevel with him, reaching out to wipe away the tears that steadily seep out of Kazuya's closed eyes. He can't stand to see him like this. To Eijun's shock, his hand goes right through Kazuya.

Kazuya shivers, a cold breeze blowing across his face. He wonders if he forgot to close a window before leaving today. Wiping his eyes roughly on his sleeve, he stands up to check. When he moves forward, he shivers again.

"I should really remember to close all the doors and windows before winter comes." he tells himself, not really caring either way. But Kazuya can't stand the silence anymore. Once, it was his friend but it hasn't been for a long time. And now, it's back to be his companion, whether Kazuya wants it or not. It will stay, regardless of if he is ready or not.

Kazuya shakes his head to get rid of the thought, striding into the living room to check the windows there first.

Eijun stands completely still as Kazuya literally walks through him before he shivers. The inevitable truth is starting to sink in.

He slowly turns to see Kazuya walk into the living room. Once again, his body moves as if on its own accord. Eijun sticks close to Kazuya's side as he checks the whole apartment for something, muttering under his breath and shivering.

"Weird." Kazuya sneezes, rubbing his hands together for warmth. "Maybe there's a leak somewhere. I should talk to the building manager."

Eijun backs off a bit, realising that maybe he's the reason Kazuya's so cold all of the sudden. He always had the lower average temperature out of them but this isn't so normal unless he's getting sick. That thought prompts Eijun to come forward again, wanting to put a hand to Kazuya's forehead until he belatedly remembers he can't.

Kazuya glances to the side out of habit and catches sight of a blurred but still recognisable silhouette. His eyes widen as he directs them at the exact spot, heartbeat quickening in a bit of fear and exhilaration.

It's empty. There's nothing to see except the couch and behind that the coffee table and TV set as well as the bookshelf.

Kazuya slumps in disappointment, then laughs at himself a bit bitterly.

"Seeing ghosts now, am I? If I'm this bad now, I'm looking forward to in half a year's time."

"Kazuya, I'm here." Eijun says clearly, even waving one of his hands in front of his face. Kazuya doesn't react except for another sneeze and Eijun drops the hand. It clenches by his side, the same way his heart does which is weird because he didn't think that ghosts were able to feel their body like this. He feels completely solid except for the part that apparently he can't touch anything. But I pushed the door open earlier…

Kazuya goes into the kitchen, turning up the radio full-blast until Eijun's favourite station blares throughout the whole apartment. It makes him cry but also comforts him; the positive in this case is marginally higher than the negative. His stomach clenches in hunger but Kazuya foregoes making dinner. Even if his stomach is empty, he doesn't feel like he can eat anything right now.

"You look like shit. Haven't you eaten anything lately? How about sleep?" Eijun continues following Kazuya as he gets ready to sleep. He knows that Kazuya can't hear him but that doesn't mean he's giving up. He also knows that the way Kazuya looks right now most likely has to do with him, but it hurts Eijun to see him like this. And if pretending that everything is normal will help, that Kazuya can see and hear him, that Eijun isn't dead, then he will do it.

Kazuya pauses in front of the door to the bedroom. He's spent more time in there this past week than he wants to admit though he never sleeps in there. He can't get himself to. Every night, he stands at the door and goes inside, staring at the bed. He recalls their last dance and what happened after. Kazuya remembers Eijun's last words and the exact moment he just knew that Eijun had passed.

Tonight is no different. Kazuya goes inside, only absentmindedly wondering if he left the door open this wide when he left. He sits down on the edge of the bed, fingers trailing across the smooth, cold surface of the made bed and eyes looking at the framed photo of Eijun and him. It was taken as soon as Eijun's hair started growing back since he insisted on replacing the one taken at their official wedding. Kazuya blinks as he can feel tears gathering again. He's kind of glad now that they did take a new photo even though he's kept the old one hidden in the same frame.

Eijun sits down beside Kazuya carefully, keeping himself at a distance so he doesn't make him shiver. His brows furrow, lips tightening into a thin line when he can see the shine in Kazuya's eyes.

"Why?"

The question comes out sounding broken and Eijun blinks, surprised to feel his own eyes pricking with tears at the raw pain in Kazuya's voice.

"I don't know. I'm sorry." Eijun feels compelled to answer. Kazuya doesn't react, only keeps staring the photo. "I'm so sorry. I wish…I wish you knew I was here."

Somehow, Kazuya finds the willpower to stand. He starts toward the door, looking back over his shoulder at the bed. He doesn't know why but he finds himself going back and hesitantly lying down on it. He takes the photo and sets it on the pillow on the left side of the bed before taking off his glasses. Somehow, tonight, something feels different. Maybe Kazuya will be able to sleep a little easier though there's no reason he should. It's just a feeling he has.

Eijun lays down beside Kazuya, again keeping a bit of distance because he worries despite Kazuya being covered by a blanket. His exhaustion is clear in the frown lines that have never looked this deep or in the dark circles underneath his eyes. He was jittery before too, but now he's starting to at least look a little less troubled, the crease between his eyebrows smoothing and his breathing evening out until it's clear Kazuya is asleep. Eijun smiles at the sight. It's a smile full of fondness but also sorrow. He doesn't know what he's doing here, why he's here and not, well, dead.

But Eijun isn't complaining. This isn't what he wanted but he learned that one didn't always get what one wants. Only hard work will ensure that...and Eijun isn't giving up until he gets what he wants. No, this isn't exactly it but it's a start.

The next morning, Kazuya awakes to switched off lights despite not remembering having turned them off and the very familiar melody of a particular song playing on the radio.