Escapism
Summary: In which America would rather be "free". Cue the life taking view.
Inspiration: Escapism by Rebecca Sugar. (Steven Universe) (that show could be dark if it's looked the other way around.)
Triggering Warning: Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Harm, Anorexia, Depression, Self Hatred.
If you're uncomfortable, I suggest you don't read this.
A/N: They might be a lil OOC since it's been so long that I've watched Hetalia so.. sorry..
I listened to Escapism and I got this idea with some inspirations. Some Everything's Alright (To The Moon) and Wish My Life Away (Finding Paradise) lyrics probs hinted here.
I don't own Hetalia. If I do, it's like owning the entire world, da?
—
America winced as he opens the large door for the World Conference meeting. This place is truly awful.
The eyes were making him uncomfortable. He desperately wanted to escape, from their cruelty.
Unfortunately he has to stay, with insults.
It seems fate was so cruel.
But with proud "heroic face", he smiled.
This will be the last time I'm stuck in this hell.
"Why are you late again, America?" Germany asked, sighing.
"I'm sorry dudes, I have to rescue some people from trouble, because it's the hero's job ya know?" America answers, laughing.
"Stop with that bullshit and get in here, you git." England spat, as America's smile wavered.
He was late by 30 minutes (scratch that an hour) not because of overslept, not even because of food that he kept "shoveling" down the throat, according to Nations who speak behind his back.
He could only smile with bitterness as foreign languages of resentment spread around his mind.
He has no official language, so he could understand the insults.
Fatass.
So-called Hero.
Capitalist Pig.
Bitch.
A mistake..
Any kind of insult they can create just to mess with the American himself.
No, all the insults about himself damaged the self-confidence America once had.
No matter how childish the insults are, it will still affect the person.
So he stopped, he stopped wating for the sake of their satisfaction.
Nothing worked.
He could feel the sleeves of his bomber jacket clung to his scarred skin.
He winced slightly as he sat down next to Canada, his brother. He could his disappointment.
Do I even the right to call him my brother? After all I've done to him..
He remembered how he could forget the lovely Canadian so easily, breaking the promise they once had when America first became independent.
"Let's never forget each other, okay?"
Alas, he forgot. Not only that, all the insults also goes to him, but to his brother as well.
Considering he is mistaken as America sometimes. His brother was fine with it.
Until last month.
His foolishness went too far, he thought, as Canada snapped.
He criticized him for being a horrible brother, all the mistakes he did, and wishing that he had a different brother.
That was the first time America let his tears out.
Apologizes were exchanged, but words were never took back.
It remained in the Nation's mind, self-confidence in negativity, one step closer.
After the greatest argument, America slowly started to cut.
He knew that his people did this to "release" pain, and it can be relieving.
Oh, how they were right.
He could only remember the times he lost count of the cuts he made on his arm, legs, shoulders, thighs.
Horizontally and vertically, he continued to cut.
As the self hatred grew deeper, he could only stare at his bathroom mirror and say,
"Aren't you a piece of shit. Capitalist pig, fat, disgusting. You should've let Confederacy won. You are a worthless hero, Alfred. No one cares for you, no one loves you. The world would be a better place without you."
Without him, huh.
He could only imagine.
China wouldn't have to worry about those debts. Russia would be a superpower, probably damn happy that his competition is gone, England and France would be happy, thanking the Lord that the nuisance in their life is gone, Canada will finally be noticed, thank heavens above!
He could only smile. He seen all the positivity of being dead, and with that, he couldn't careless about his life anymore.
It seems that he was a mistake that was made into this world. How cruel Mother Earth can be.
"What are you smiling about?" One nation muttered.
"He is excited to scarf those fat burgers down his throat and be a dumbass hero like he always is!" A random country yelled, as most Nations laughed.
"Aren't we supposed to discuss about economy?" America muttered, as he stared at his notes, which was full of insults, written by himself.
"Speaking of economies, You still owe me trillions, aru!" China yelled, as he continued to lecture him about it.
"Wouldn't be easy for you to become one with Mother Russia, da?" Russia said, smiling as he muttered "stupid pig" under his breath. America however, ignored him.
Those words stung him, however.
He remembered how they got along, before the revolution.
He missed it so much, yet he knew.
He knew that history can't be changed.
He soon wondered if anyone would care if he's gone.
He shook his head mentally. No one would.
Who cares about this fat shit anyway? They would say.
China: His debt will be paid, probably take his spot as the richest. And probably relieved that there will be no more "immature" nation in the world.
Japan: Pretty sure he hates him for that atomic bombing. He only tolerated him due to likings of technology. He looks pretty uncomfortable being with him, considery he tried his best to be friendly, yet nothing work.
England: No way, he hurt his feelings by going against him. Now all he could hear from him is insults and lectures. Even for being alive for so long after the pain and torture he went through, he was never proud of him.
France: Even if America thought of him as a father figure, France only saw him as a disgusting pig.
Canada: He would be in heaven. He would be finally noticed. No more good America. He deserved a better brother, same goes to Mexico.
Russia: That guy will be in heaven also. He could be in his place, and he could be friends with the people he stole away. He wanted them to be friends for a long time, yet, with those looks Russia have him, he knew that there's no chance.
Just like he has no chance to redeem himself to everyone else.
He counted all reasons, tears gathering in his eyes, and finally decided.
He'll end in tonight.
After all,
No one would care, right?
That's right.. No one would..
He didn't notice the worried look Canada gave him, as they were dismissed for 15 minutes break.
—
America sighed as blood rinses down the drain. He slowly rubs the wet, irritated skin with tissues. He also washed the knife that was gifted to him several years ago, last gift before no one even cared enough to celebrate his birthday.
He deserves all this treatments, as he knew he is the reason the world is screwed up, after all.
It was breaktime and he planned to go to the bathroom after feeling the blood leak from the cut that he made this morning, only to be stopped by Italy.
—
"Ve~ America, aren't you going to eat your greasy burgers?" Italy wondered.
America held his breath, and sighed.
"I'm not hungry, I need to go to the bathroom though." He answered, with a shaky breath as he left, leaving the confused Nation behind.
—
As he stared at the mirror, he gave a small smile. Italy can be adorable, he couldn't really bring to hate him.
In fact, he couldn't really bring to hate everyone.
No matter how much torture he had to endure everyday.
He knew, that everyone's attitude on others is based on their people. Their horrible actions from the past are from their people.
That's not true. The nations entirely despise you for existing. You being immature, nosy, fat, dumbass of a capitalist, is the reason their lives are at worst.. His own mind hissed, damaging the self-confidence that he never have even further.
He couldn't even bring to hate Russia for goodness sake! Not even during Cold War.
He knew that he wasn't in his own self at that time.
He was in his commie self, then he tried to snap him out of it.
The result? Cold War.
All wars that he joined, was a grave mistake.
World War One, Two, Cold War, Vietnam War, everything!
Whenever he joins, people would criticize him for intruding their own business. If he doesn't, they would blame him for not able to help.
He wants to be hero, not because of attention, according to pretty much everyone.
He does it because he wants to save everyone, and he wants them to be happy.
Yet this is the result of trying to help.
It's confusing..
really frustrating..
He stared at the mirror. His face is hollowed, with eyebags and pale skin.
I could make a good looking zombie.. He thought, laughing humorlessly at his awful joke.
He wore concealers to prevent anyone from discovering his true form.
He really doesn't want anyone to see his weakness, especially being a superpower.
Speaking of which, he thought he truly doesn't deserve the title.
Only an opposite of him deserve that title.
As he got out and went to the meeting room, he stopped as he heard the countries converse about him.
"Angleterre, it's your fault for the lack of respect and common sense of Amerique. He got that after you from eating those disgusting things he called "food.""
The only reason America ate those food is because he never got the time to eat a decent food, after working hard to improve his country, which seems to not work.
Not to mention whatever he eats, he forces them to puke out.
"IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT HE ACTS LIKE THIS! HE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY! IT'S HIS DAMN FAULT FOR BECOMING LIKE THAT! I WOULD PREFER FOR HIM TO DISAPPEAR AS ALL OF YOU WOULD WISH!"
He felt his heart broke as the one he looked up to, his brother, said those words that will haunt his life forever.
Tears gathered more into his eyes as he remembered the times they were together, happy, until the Revolution.
I guess England never realized his little brother, or son, never actually left him.
I guess by being dead will make him happy.
Right?
"He is such an immature nation, aru! He refuses to pay for the debt he owed me!"
America was working about it.
Everyday. Every night,
No time for breaks, vacation.
Anything.
He barely slept 2 hours a day because of it.
He never took a break as he desperately tried to gain money for the debt.
It was completed a week ago, but he decided to give it when he's gone. He added an extra as a token of apology.
As the insults continued, he closed his eyes, trying to hold the tears, as he left the building as quietly as he could. Inside his car, his tears flowed freely.
He slowly whispered,
"I want to be free.."
—
After driving home and arranging all letters to the nations he knew (he wrote those letters a year ago after his attempted suicide by hanging) Alfred took a walk. His eyes watered as he stared at the happy family down the street.
He felt a droplet and looked up. The sky was covered with gray clouds, and the droplets continued before it's a shower of rain. The child's brother held the younger sibling's hand before he could even slip on the slippery sidewalk, as they let out peals of laughter. The family smiled and covered them with their unbrella, as they continued to walk happily.
His heart broke even more. The only ones he considered as "family" are the FACE family.
They don't even bother with him nowadays.
In fact, they just pretended he never existed in his life.
He slowly distanced himself from them, afraid to burden them even more. They seem to do perfectly fine without him.
Scratch that,
They were doing better without him.
As he stared at the gray sky, his eyes caught the view of the highest tower.
Suddenly his eyes widened at the idea.
He then closed his eyes and moved forward, his mind already set up, as his jacket now wet, clinging to his skinny body.
-(A/N: Lyrics would be mixed based on memories.)
America sighed as he took a last step and opened the door.
The view is pretty decent, he could've enjoyed it even more if only he had more time for himself.
Not anymore, at the least.
As he closed the door behind him, he glanced around. The sky is gray, yet it's still beautiful.
It seems that Mother Earth was crying for me too. Don't cry, it will be all better when I'm gone. America thought, as he closed his eyes, enjoying the rain before stepping to the edge and stood still.
He remembered that he left his letter of farewell on his desk. He closed his eyes and started walking towards the edge. He stared down at the street, the people seemed to notice him, as crowds from afar gathered around and scream for him to get away from the edge, and glanced up.
His eyes closed as tears of regret and relief flows down his cheeks.
He knew what will happen to his country as he dies. Everything will fall apart. The government would shut down, stock will crash badly, worse than the Great Depression, and a chance of another Civil War will start.
When this world is no more..
He hoped that he would be reborn as a perfect country, though he chuckled at such impossible opportunity.
I don't deserve such opportunity.. He thought, tears flowing down his face even more.
The memories of all the peaceful times passed through his mind as he gave a peaceful smile.
It's time.
He looked back at the door.
He imagined either all of them celebrating his death or by any chance, cry to the heavens for him.
With that thought, he stepped backward, and he flew like an eagle. He felt free.
Then memories flashed into his mind.
The time he and Davie gazed to the moon, smiling, as they were surrounded with those blue daisies.
"I wish I could explore the moon someday!" He would say, as America would smile and say,
"We could do it together, Davie!"
Both smiled and fell asleep on the field.
The moon is all we see..
He and Canada first met, and the promise between twins were sealed.
I'll ask you to fly away with me..
Why do my words always lose their meaning? America thought, as the gravity continued to dragged him down to his fate.
The time he saw the space for the first time. The stars sparkled and winked as the rocketship continued to orbit.
Until the stars all fall down.. They empty from the sky..
The time he shared his tears with his people during the attack.
But I don't mind.. He thought, as he opened his eyes.
He saw the eagle flew to the rain, bringing freedom with it.
He reached for the sky, and he closed his eyes.
He never felt so free in his life..
He flew like an eagle. Free from anything.
The last thing he heard was screams of his people, sirens, and a horrific splat.
The last thing he saw, was Davie waving at him on the golden field, with the others who truly cared for him waiting behind him.
If you're with me..
The last thing he felt is slight regret, numbness, excruciating pain, but relief.
It was only for few seconds,
But it was enough for him.
He's finally free.
Then everything's alright...
He wasn't even 250 years old yet..
With those thoughts, the world spiraled into chaos.
—
To All Who Seem To Care, Who I'm Pretty Sure None,
By the time you read this letter, I'm gone. How to explain it simply? I end it all.
It was pointless to live longer than I should've been. Those words.. they can cut through the heart like multiple stab wounds.
As they say, words may be small but it can impact someone's life forever.
As for myself, I regret being born into this world. If chaos was the only thing I could bring, might as well end it, right?
People kept saying I'm the savior of the world, the hero.
No, in realty..
I'm the villain.
You were correct.
I was nosy. In reality, I'm just oblivious. I was alone for all of my life, no I don't even have real friends, I tried to gain friends by saving and helping them from their problems.
That didn't work didn't it?
I was childish. I wanted to enjoy my young age simply as I can never do, considering I was the world's superpower at a youngest age.
I guess I took it too far, huh?
I am fat.
I always view myself as a disgusting pig with no life. Even if the food I ate will just be muscles to my body, it still doesn't stop me from taking it all out forcefully.
I suffered from bulimia, and anorexia. I can't stop it, unfortunately. I just accepted it.
I'm lazy.
Of course, I didn't create those industrial stuff that made your life better. I have "laziness" is what you call it.
I didn't become a superpower that easily.
I'm naive.
I only ignore my negative surroundings because I want to see the positive side in my country, in my life. I suffered "smiling" depression, so the President recommended me to "look around." I tried, it's a failure, considering the conference can only make it a thousand times worse.
Enough about myself. It's time to give out apologies.
Matthew, I'm very sorry for being such a failure. I know apologies won't cut it. I'm the worst brother you could ever imagine. But I just want you to know that I love you. I kept protecting you from the inevitable fate that I've suffered for decades, even if yourself was the another cause. Now with me gone, you're free to do whatever. Be happy, be the one you always wished. Even with me being selfish, please remember my country and all of the suffering we endured.
Take care of my whale and Tony for me, please? Thanks for being there when I'm down, for knowing me better than I know you.
Be the best country for me, okay?
Arthur, Francis, thank you for bothering with me. I learned to fly because of you.. so if you left, I always promised I could go too. Not this time, however. I'm sorry for ruining your life. I love you guys like you're my only family..
As for everyone else,
The debts will be paid when I'm dead. Apologies will be given, and your wish will come true.
But I have one thing to say for a long time.
I hate you, but I love all of you.
It's damn confusing.
I guess it's my people with your races and ethnicities, but whatever, I'm too tired to think.
Be thankful that this "annoying piece of shit" of a country is gone for eternity.
I may be reborn one day, but I wish for either not being reborn, or being different than myself.
Why did I do this, you asked?
You're the reason I did this.
You're the problems I always faced,
You're the nightmares I always face in my sleep.
You're the pain I've endured.
You're the hell that I can never escape.
Don't you get it?
I want to be free..
From here..
From the Fallen Nation,
United States of America
Alfred F. Jones.
"My wish came true..
Because trading yesterday,
Is to wish my life away..."
Thank you for the memories. No matter how painful and excruciating it always is, I will always cherish it. After all, it's all my memories of you guys..
—
I do not own The lyrics. They're from Rebecca Sugar (Escapism) and Laura Shigihara (Everything's Alright and Wish My Life Away).
The game To The Moon and Finding Paradise is good and sad game. If you didn'y play it yet, I suggest you try. It's truly sad.
A/N: I cried a lil (jk ALOT) while writing this. It's my first fanfiction, so if you have any critics, please do tell. I want to improve for the future, after all.
Epilogue will be up soon!