Emmett Goes Blind (POV of Emmett)

I was utterly and out of my mind bored. Nobody had even come downstairs from their rooms this morning. I decided to go wake them up. First on the list was Edward and Bella. I ran out to their cottage in the woods.

"Oh Eddie! Bellisima! Where are you two?" I called, entering the house. I heard laughing coming from their room. Ah, old Eddie was always such a great joke-teller. He inherited it from me! So I pranced into their room, only to hear more giggles coming from the closet. Oh! I get it! Ed had a glow-in-the-dark jokebook! How creative. I simply HAD to borrow it. So I slid the door open, to find Bella, on top of Edward, both of them covered by a pile of clothes that had fallen. Edward's eyes got big, and looked quite murderous. Then I realized what I was seeing.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Gross gross gross gross gross! Yaaaaaaahhhhh!" I yelled as I bolted out the door. I decided to see if my parents would want to play with me. Nothing to worry about there. As far as I knew, Daddy never got much action. I sprinted up to their room, and flung the door open. Just as Mommy moaned, and Dad laughed.

"NOT YOU TOO, DADDY!" I yelled, and ran out of their room. Now there were two more people left which were totally safe. For all I knew, Alice could still be a virgin. And Jazzy NEVER got any action, that much I knew for sure. I opened the door, to find the most frightening thing in my life. Jasper was naked, on top of Alice, and a blanket- luckily -covered their nude bodies. They were kissing, very very kissing. Not just a nice, friendly peck on the cheek, either. On one hand, I was disgusted and revolted, but on the other, I was proud of my brother finally getting some. I chose the first option as I ran screaming out of the room. I went down to the living room, only to find Jake making out with my niece.

"HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD???" I demanded, and ran up to my room, the only safe place left. I sprinted to the corner, and began sucking on my thumb. Rosalie stopped throwing worn clothes out of the closet to console me.

"What the hell happened to you?" she asked. Maybe console was the wrong word…

"I…I…I walked in…on…everyone…even Alice and Jasper…it was…disturbing…I'M BLIND!" I replied. She looked at me like I was crazy, and then went back to cleaning out her closet.

THE NEXT DAY…

"Family meeting!" my dearest wife called through the house. Nessie and Jake had fallen asleep in the living room after their make-out session yesterday, so they were already there. The rest of the family zoomed down to the room.

"We need to set some boundaries. Apparently, after walking in on every single one of you yesterday, he's gone blind," she said. I looked up from where I was sucking my thumb in the corner.

"So, only one hour per couple, per day. You will lock your door, and put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign. And you will notify Emmett to stay out of range of your room. Comprendo?" she finished. Everyone nodded. Then they all went up to their rooms to use up their hour. How do I know this, you ask. Simple. I was only pretending to be blind. Genius, isn't it! I was still sucking my thumb when Nessie and the Mutt began kissing again.

"Aaaaaaaah! I've seen too much, I've seen too much! My heart is no longer pure!" I shouted, cowering behind Rose.

"Emmett, you pervert, you have never been pure. Hence your pervertedness. Now stop cowering behind me, and leave if you don't want to witness it," she said, sitting down and clicking on the TV. So I walked up to my room, and turned on my slideshow of naked Rosalie pictures. The end. Oh my god! I learned the words the end! Hooray!