Sometimes, when she's supposed to be sleeping at night, Natasha lies awake and thinks about what could have happened if she didn't exist. She wonders if the people she's killed would be alive now, or if the world would be better without her, would it have stayed the same? Would the Avengers still exist?
But it's been a long day, she's tired, and her thoughts cease as she dozes off.
November 22, 1984
She opens her eyes to see white snow. She's in her regulation Black Widow catsuit, fully armed like she always is. She looks up to see a cabin that looks faintly familiar, but she can't remember why.
"Pretty, huh" a young voice careens to her left, and Natasha wastes no time pulling her handgun free of her holster and at the young redhead that looks like her younger self behind her.
"Woah there Nat, " she says as she lifts her hands, not looking too concerned.
"How do you know my name, and why am I here, and why do you look like me?" she asks, gun still pointed at the stranger.
"I'm you, just younger," she says smoothing out her pale blue dress. "You wanted to know what the world would look like if we didn't exist? I'm here to show it to you. Who better to show it to you than me? Well, us," she corrects.
She points to the small cabin. "This is where we were born but here is where everything goes wrong."
Natasha slowly lowers her gun as her younger self walks towards the cabin. "What do I call you?" Natasha asks her. She pauses and turns around.
"Call me Talia."
The first thing she hears when she walks into the cabin is the wailing and sobbing of a woman. "Don't worry," Talia says. "We're completely intangible. No one can see, hear, or touch us."
They walk into a back room to where a sorrowful couple is huddling over a baby. She looks closer. The baby has red hair. She immediately takes three steps back.
"We were stillborn. Mother never recovers, and ends up taking her own life. Dad ends up a drunk." Talia says sorrowfully. She puts her hand over the baby's head.
"Let's go." and the world fades to white.
December 8, 1999
There are fifteen children. Fifteen girls. And they all stand behind Yasha. The Winter Soldier. Bucky. She winces. She walks around all of the girls, her face frowns as she recognizes all but one.
As they train. She can tell the best of the group is a young blonde named Yelena. But she isn't as good as Natasha was at that age. Second best. Natasha remembers the Soldier found her better.
"I remember Yelena. We close once. She was a sister. But in order to become the Black Widow, I had to kill all others in the program." Natasha gulps. It taught me not to love. Love was for children, and that's where I've left it.
"Liar. I'm pretty sure you love the Avengers."
Natasha doesn't answer.
"Yelena kills all the candidates for the program. But dies on a mission in two years after earning the Black Widow title. Yasha is labeled a failure as a trainer and is wiped, and put back in cryofreeze." Talia says. "The Winter Soldier later becomes catatonic after too many wiping sessions. They kill him."
A tear falls down Natasha's cheek, and she's quick to berate herself for crying because emotions are a weakness she can't afford.
"Let's go" Talia whispers, and the world becomes white.
June 3, 2008
S.H.I.E.L.D barely gets Tony Stark his father's work. But Tony looks worse than he had when she had been Pepper's PA.
"He looks bad." She says to Talia. Talia nods.
"He's not doing too hot."She agrees.
They watch as Tony synthesizes the element, as Ivan Vanko calls and angers Tony, as he puts in his new reactor and suits up.
"War Machine's suit goes rouge, and you're not there to stop it. He ends up damaging the Iron Man suit enough to where he can't reach Pepper in time to save her from the exploding bot."
Natasha's heart sinks. He had loved Pepper. She had been a constant for him.
"He doesn't do public appearances anymore. The Stark Expo closes." Talia says.
"I saved his life. Huh." Natasha looks on as robots begin to explode.
"Ton-" Pepper never finishes her sentence.
"Let's go" Talia whispers looking away from the explosion.
Natasha embraces the white instead.
May 1, 2012
Loki's alien army is everywhere. Iron Man fights from the sky, and Clint's arrows fly, hitting alien after alien. The Captain fights from the ground. Hulk smashes, and Thor lights up many of the aliens from the ground. An aliens passes right through her to attack the Captain and she shivers. Talia smirks.
"I don't see a real difference without me there." Natasha states to Talia.
"Just watch"
Iron Man flies into the portal, nuke in hand. But the portal doesn't close. Which means Erik Selvig is still under Loki's control. The explosion from the nuke envelops Iron Man, comes out of the portal, and envelops New York City.
"Sure, the Aliens are dead but so is everyone else in New York City. The Avengers arrived late, you weren't there to close the portal, so the nuke destroyed New York." Talia turns and grasps Natasha by the shoulders.
"You, Natasha are so important. The lives you have saved have overtaken the lives you've taken. This team doesn't work without YOU, Natasha.
"Me trying to give myself a pep talk? It's kinda arrogant." Natasha says, deflecting the praise.
"Doesn't make it any less true, Nat." Talia shoots back. Natasha's world begins to fade to white.
"And Nat? I'm not you, I'm fate." She winks.
She wakes in the early morning, when the sun's light barely shines through her bedroom window, and the air is still cool.
And you know what? It's not so bad being Natasha Romanoff.