A/N: Okay people I know I have other fics but I needed to get this done. My friend FMAlcheholic gave me a prompt and this is where it went. Enjoy our cracktastic-ness.
Disclaimer: As always I don't own FMA!
It was a dreary, rainy day at Central Headquarters. It was the kind of day where any sane person would be at home, in a comfy chair, under a blanket with a good book.
That was what Ed wanted to do. But no! That bastard Colonel just had to call him into his office today for a job. "Job." Ed scoffed. "Probably just wants me to be his errand boy. I'll break Colonel god-complexes legs off." Ed continued to grumble and rant quietly the entire walk to Central HQ.
Al had stayed home. Normally he would have accompanied his older brother but Roy had specifically said only Ed should come.
When he finally got to the building he made his way up to his superiors office only to find Havoc, Falman, Fuery, and Breda all outside the door in a circle. They appeared to be huddling around something.
"Guys?" Edward questioned. The men all jumped up at his voice. Havoc hid whatever the thing was behind his back. Ed cocked his head to the side. "Whatcha got there?" He asked. "Nothing!" They all said together. "Oh really?" Ed got into a position to clap and that was all it took for Fuery to break down.
"It's a pony!" He said. Ed stopped and stared at him. "A pony?" Fuery nodded. "Havoc show him!" Havoc pulled his hands from behind his back to reveal a purple My Little Pony toy.
"Umm," Ed began. "Why?" Breda shrugged. "We don't know. It was on Havoc's desk when we came in this morning."
"It was staring at me!" Havoc said defensively. Ed nodded disbelievingly. "Sure it was Havoc…ummm…is the Colonel in there?" Falman nodded. "Him and the Lieutenant. They kicked us out saying they important work to do and no one but you should come in." Falman stated. "That's why we were out here with the pony."
"Yeah that was the main question I was thinking of. Why are they out in the hall?" While actually Ed was thinking something more along the lines of 'Are these guys on drugs or something? You know I'm just gonna go in the office now…' So Ed semi-awkwardly shuffled into the Colonel's office and shut the door behind him.
"Ah Fullmetal. Glad you could make it." Roy's voice came from behind him. Ed slowly turned to face the older man. "Please tell me you know why the hell your subordinates are in the hall playing with a My Little Pony doll." Roy and Riza gave him confused and slightly disturbed looks. "No…and I don't want to know why." Ed and Riza nodded in agreement. Mustang motioned for Ed to come in and have a seat. "As I said earlier I have an assignment for you, Fullmetal. Although this is a pretty strange assignment."
Ed didn't even look interested. He was to busy play with the random things he saw on Roy's desk.
"Strange?" He asked still not looking up. "How so?" Roy rolled his eyes at the boy's childish behavior but continued anyway. "This assignment is for you, me, and Hawkeye only. We aren't aloud to inform anyone else of this assignment hence your brother not being aloud to come here with you." Ed's eyebrows went up a little at that but he still didn't look away from the object in his hands.
"And…?" He prompted the Colonel. Roy sat forward and rested his chin in his hands. "We have to stage a bank heist."
Ed froze at that and he dropped the things he'd been playing with. He looked at Roy to see if he was kidding or trying to prank him but Mustang was serious.
"Should I ask why?" The blonde alchemist asked. Roy shrugged. "Ask as much as you want, I don't know anything though." Ed looked at him. "Then how do you know we have to do this?" Edward asked. "Fuhrer Bradley dropped this file off and said. 'This is a direct order: Do exactly as it says Colonel. That will be all.' And he left. I was told no more."
"What does it say?" Ed cocked his head to the side, curious. "That we are supposed to rob a bank." Riza told him. "It goes into details of what bank, what time, how much to take, and what to do after." Ed still didn't believe this. "Are we sure this isn't some prank from the higher ups?" Roy shrugged again. "Prank or not it was an order so we have to do it." Edward sighed. "Fine, when and where?"
"Two days from now. We meet up in front of Central National Bank at 2 p.m." Riza read off the document. "Think you can remember that?" Ed waved his hand submissively. "Yeah, yeah. Central National Bank in two days at two. Can I go know?"
Hawkeye looked at Roy who nodded. "Have fun. Don't tell Al." Ed stood and walked out. "I know. I know. Jeez how old do you think I am three?"
"Sometimes." Roy called to him as he opened the door. "Especially considering your height!" He added as the door shut.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNT SO TINY THAT WHEN HE GOES TO THE BEACH HE SINKS INTO THE SAND AND WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DROWNING BECAUSE HE'S SO MICROSCOPIC HE CAN BREATHE OXEGEN OUT OF A MOLECULE OF WATER!"
After his outburst all was silent until Roy turned to Riza saying. "I didn't catch any of that so I know I didn't say it."
Two days later Ed was crouching on top of the hill overlooking the Central National Bank. Suddenly someone grabbed his shoulder. Considering he was about to rob a bank he jumped.
"Ahhhhhh-!" He yelled before a gloved hand covered his mouth. "Be quiet before I hang you by your underwear on that flagpole Fullmetal." Roy hissed in his ear. Ed turned to him. "I'd like to see you try." Roy then proceeded to pick the young man up. Considering how small Ed was this was an easy task.
"Hey!" Ed yelled. "What are you doing? Put me down!" He demanded as he started struggling.
Riza stood off to the side and watched the boy's spectacle.
"Hey what do you think you're doing? Why are you-? You're not gonna-? You wouldn't- AHHHHH! PUT ME DOWN LET ME GO! AHHHH!" Riza looked up from her face fall to see her commander had hung Ed by his underwear on a tree branch.
"Sir really?" She asked. He looked at her like she was insane. "My manhood was called into question! What did you expect me to do?" Riza face fell again. "Get him down sir."
"Quit calling me sir! I'm 29. I'm to young to be called sir!" Could these two get anymore childish? Riza wondered. I shouldn't jinx it. "Just get him down so we can do this." Roy saluted. "Yes ma'am
!" With that he went over and pulled Ed off the branch. Edward promptly stuck his nose out at Roy who did the same. The two started a raspberry blowing war until a bullet flew by and almost shot their tongues off.
The walk to the bank was silent after that.
"Refresh my memory, what's the plan again?" Riza asked, hoping to get a new response.
"Simple. I'm going to burn the wires and short circuit the operations room so the cameras, lights, and anything else electrical will go off. You will go in and hold the bank teller at gunpoint along with some civilians while Ed gets the money. I will then wait outside in the car for you two. Ed you'll have to alchemically open the door since when I kill the power you'll be locked inside. Make sure you fix it though." Roy ran through the plan crushing Riza's hope that he had thought up something else.
"Question. What happens if you burn something you shouldn't?" Ed asked as if he was in school. "Then you will either blow up or run away to the safety of Fairyland like a smart person."
"Yes because all smart people run away to Fairyland." Riza replied to Roy's dumb answer hoping he got the hint. Considering this is Roy Mustang we're talking about- he didn't.
"When it's raining cows outside you'll thank me." He said and proceeded to the bank.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She called to him. Ed shrugged. "Ask the magical Leoplerodon." He said simply. Riza looked at him funny. "The what?" She asked.
Ed turned to face her. "The Magical Leoplerodon." He said again and nodded his head in the direction of something behind her. "The one behind you.
She turned to look over her shoulder. "That's Black Hayate!" She told him. The boy just shrugged again. "Magic Leoplerodon, Black Hayate, what's the difference?" Riza just looked at him stunned.
'Well Black Hayate is real.' She thought. She shook it off and decided to just get this whole thing over with.
Ed had run off so Riza followed after him. When she caught up to him again she found him outside in front of the bank. It would have been totally normal had he not been skipping around holding a daisy. Where he got one Riza had no idea since there were none nearby. She walked up to him and grabbed his shoulder, making him look at her.
"Edward what are you doing?" She asked, slightly scared of the answer. Ed just scoffed. "Pfft. Please Hawkeye, what does it look like I'm doing?" Riza opened her mouth to answer but before she could say anything Roy's voice rang out.
"He's prancing gaily through flowers! Havoc must be getting to him! Quick Riza give him a burrito!" He called out. Riza had no clue what was wrong with these two.
"What's a burrito going to do?" She called back, hoping he wasn't being as dumb as she thought he was.
"I have no idea but I do know they are very tasty!" He yelled back. Riza face palmed. "Okay you two why don't we just get this over with?" She was really about to just kill these two or at least maim them before giving up the whole operation.
"Alright. Remember the plan!" Roy called out like they could forget something so stupid. Riza grabbed Ed's arm. "Let's go." She said.
They walked into the bank and stood around, trying to appear like normal citizens. When out of nowhere the power all shut off. Ed and Riza knew that was their cue so Riza pulled her gun and went up to the teller. Ed followed with a bag.
"Everybody get down!" Someone yelled. Riza fired a shot just as a warning. "Yeah. Get down." Ed was busy putting all the money in a bag but still had time to look up and say, "They're coming for you. They're coming for you." In a really creepy voice for no apparent reason. Since it was dark Riza decided just to hit him already.
"What was that for?" He demanded. "Just do what you're supposed to." She ordered. Ed finished filling the bag and threw it to Riza. He ran for the doors and clapped his hands. The door sprang open and they dashed outside. Ed clapped his hands and placed them on the door to seal it shut again.
Roy drove up and almost ran them over.
"Colonel!" Riza yelled at him. "Watch where you're going!" She got into the passenger side while Ed jumped into the back. "Sorry." Roy said. "But there was a tree in the middle of the road." Riza looked up and around. There was no tree. She looked back around again and her eyes landed on something dangling in front of her.
"Roy that's your air freshener!" She exclaimed pulling it down and throwing it out the window. They started driving and Ed pressed himself against the window.
"No!" He cried. "Not Paul!" Ed rolled down the window and reached out towards where they had just been. "Who the hell is Paul?" Riza asked. "The pine tree!" Ed yelled. "He was so young! Why?" Ed was now in hysterics.
"That's what I keep asking myself." Riza said rubbing her temples. "Really, am I the only sane one left?" Roy put a hand to his heart. "Riza! I'm offended. You think I'm insane?" he asked hurt. Riza looked at him then back to Ed. "Well, yeah. Now keep your eyes on the road." Roy's jaw fell at her words but he kept his eyes on the road.
-Back at Central in the Fuhrer Bradley's Office-
"Well," Bradley began. "You all did very well with this assignment." Roy, Riza, and Ed saluted. "Thank you sir." They said in union.
"However," He continued making everyone listen closer. "I'm afraid something went wrong." He looked up and met the three officers eyes. "I'm embarrassed to say our department made the foolish mistake of giving you the wrong bank." Roy, Riza, and Ed's jaws dropped at that. They did all that and went through with Roy's plan…and it was the wrong bank?
"So what now?" Roy asked. The Fuhrer stood. "Well, we want you to go back and return the money and give them our dearest apologies. Then forget this ever happened." He ordered.
"Oh," Riza said under her breath. "Gladly." Bradley turned towards her. "What was that Lieutenant Hawkeye?" He asked. Riza looked back at him. "Nothing important sir. We will carry out your orders." Bradley nodded. "I trust you three to do so. Dismissed." They saluted again and filed out of the room.
As soon as they were in the hall Riza slapped them both. Roy stared at her. "What the hell was that for Riza?" He demanded. "Yeah Hawkeye what'd we do?" Ed asked.
"You mean besides coming up with the dumbest plan ever and acting like complete maniac's during the entire thing? Oh I don't know why don't you tell me?" Riza asked sarcastically. Roy stared at her again. "What?" She snapped. "I've just never heard you talk like that." He said. She rolled her eyes.
"Whatever. Let's finish this." Riza turned on her heel and strode out, followed shortly after by the two alchemists.
The doors to the bank flew open again as our trio entered. They approached the counter and the teller cringed back in fear. Ed plopped the bag on the counter and some of the money spilled out. The teller looked at them in confusion and shock.
"Sorry about what happened earlier." Roy said flashing his ever-perfect smile at the girl. She just stood there with her mouth opening and closing like a fish. Riza sighed.
"Great, it's over can we go no-?" Riza was cut off by a forklift crashing through the wall of the bank. Everyone rushed over to the right side of the bank to avoid getting hit.
"Hey! Ed!"
They all looked up at the blonde's voice. "Winry!" Ed exclaimed. She waved them over. "Get in so we can get out!" She ordered. Ed, Roy, and Riza ran over to her and jumped into the forklift. Winry threw it into gear and took off.
"Where did you get this thing?" Ed asked. "I know some people" she replied. "Shouldn't you have fixed the wall Ed?" Riza asked. Ed turned back to her. "I did." He pointed behind them at the wall which now had a large Flamel Serpent Cross like on the back of Ed's jacket.
"You might as well have signed your name on that thing." Riza said. Ed smiled. "Don't worry. I thought of that! I did sign my name. Yours and Roy's too." He said happily. Riza stared at him.
"Ed are you stupid? Why would you do that?" Ed looked at her like she was the crazy one. "I'm not selfish. I didn't want to take all the credit. You guys helped stop being so modest." He turned back around and Riza just sat there and shut-up.
"So where are we headed now ?" Roy asked. Winry pointed ahead. "We're going to ride into the sunset and over the magical Double Rainbow to CandyLand!" She said happily.
Riza groaned inwardly. Not Winry too. She shut her eyes and put her head in her hands. When she picked her head up again they were all wearing cowboy hats, herself included.
"What the-?" She was cut off by them all singing The Campfire Song Song. She noticed they were driving along a beach and there were monkeys with sombreros and tubas.
"Okay what is happening here?" She demanded. They all ignored her and continued to sing. She sat there for a minute and took in her surroundings.
"Oh, what the hell." She finally gave in and they all had lollipops as they drove along the double rainbow with Bob the Unicorn as it rained ice cream.
The End.
A/N: O.o Not how I expected to end that but okay. FMAlcheholic gave me the prompt and this is what came out. Hope you like it bro and I hope we do more soon! This took forever to figure out and I hope you all like it and think it's funny. Thanks to FMAlcheholic's friend Bob the Unicorn for making a special appearance. I don't own FMA but I own anything else. Well cya around the interweb!
~Chameleon52