Ladies and gentlemen of Soul Society, I am pleased to announce a new column in Seireitei Communication. As of this issue, we will be dedicating page space to an assortment of recipes specially selected by our Editor-In-Chief, food aficionado Shuuhei Hisagi, dreamed up by the lovely ladies Rangiku Matsumoto and Orihime Inoue. Without any further ado, we would like to present this month's theme: pasta.

RANGIKU MATSUMOTO:

I like cooking pasta - it's really easy! Well, aside from the time I forgot I had put some on and it caught on fire! Luckily my Captain was on hand to extinguish the flames and the saucepan was the only thing which got ruined. :) (Why did I agree to let you do this again? - SH) (Because you're a kind and generous guy, Shuuhei! -OI) (Yeah, that must have been it... -SH) (We have boobs. You must obey. - RM) (... -SH) (Wait, what? -OI) (MOVING ON -SH)

Ingredients: However much pasta you can eat

About half a dozen fresh or frozen scallops

About half a dozen surimi sticks

A fistful of sweetcorn. Or two. Or three. Or just however much you can be bothered to warm up

A couple of cloves of garlic or a good squeeze of garlic purée. You can never have too much garlic, I say! (Seriously, Rangiku? -SH) (Yes, I quite agree with Rangiku - garlic makes everything better! -OI)

A dollop of butter or spread - I like to use olive spread as it's soft and easy to squish. Who can be bothered with solid butter? (Uh, me. Because it tastes better -SH) (Who cares? It's really difficult to work with -RM) (Oh, I completely understand. You don't need to tell ME about things which are difficult to work with... -SH)

A drizzle of olive oil

Some chives

A small amount of saffron

Instructions:

1. Put the pasta into a saucepan, cover it with water and put it on to boil. (You're supposed to wait for the water to boil before you put the pasta in. -SH) (Really? I can never be bothered to wait, and this way works too! -RM)

2. While the pasta's boiling, warm up your sweetcorn in a microwave and mix it with your butter, garlic, olive oil, chopped chives and saffron in a suitable utensil. Just not like your cycling helmet or anything because that would be messy and while everybody knows that garlic smells yummy, it's a pain to wash out of long hair. Trust me on this one - that's a heck of a lot of effort you really don't want to exert if you can avoid it. (Ooh, I can imagine. -OI)

3. That shouldn't have taken too long, so chop up your surimi sticks into small pieces and set them aside.

4. Your pasta should still be cooking (unless you're Captain-Commander Yamamoto or Lieutenant Hinamori, of course, in which case you probably shouldn't be using your zanpakuto to cook things with) so use the time to shallow-fry your scallops. Then chop those into pieces too, if you feel like it. It doesn't really matter. (Yes, it does, you don't want it to be too lumpy. -SH)

5. Your pasta is done! Or rather, it should be. Eh, who cares, al dente will do and your teeth are actually pretty strong. (You want it to be soft with seafood. Don't break your teeth. -SH)

6. Put your pasta into a bowl and stir the sweetcorn mixture into it. Sprinkle the scallops and surimi on top.

7. You're done! Now go and offer some to your Captain - it'll make a great apology for whatever you've done wrong this time! (If you're talking about the fallout from the incident with your gigai last week, I think you'll need quite a bit more than some pasta to smooth that one over. Unless, of course, the pasta is served with a large dollop of brain bleach.. -SH)

ORIHIME INOUE:

Pasta has a great texture and its natural flavour isn't too strong - in short, it's great with pretty much anything! After Rangiku's savoury recipe, here's a rather sweeter one! :D (O...kay? -SH)

Ingredients: Pasta (obviously! It is a pasta dish, after all!)

Shredded crab

Whipped cream (I'm not sure I like where this is going... -SH)

Fruit coulis - I like mango and passion fruit! (I really hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Orihime. -SH)

A bar of dark chocolate (Well, I daresay we're about to find out... -SH)

Instructions:

1. Put your pasta on to boil, and then wait ten minutes.

2. Your pasta should be done! Unless it isn't, of course. If it's not, don't worry, you probably just forgot to turn the stove on. Don't worry, I do it all the time. :) (... -SH)

3. Stir the shredded crab into your pasta.

4. Drizzle your fruit coulis over your pasta and crab. Don't be afraid of putting too much in, the recipe is supposed to be a bit sweet! (Aaaand here comes the nightmare I was really hoping wouldn't come to pass -SH)

5. Spray whipped cream over the pasta! Don't be afraid if the hot pasta causes it to deflate quickly, you can always put more on. (OH HELL -SH)

6. Grate the chocolate over your pasta. (You have GOT to be kidding me -SH)

7. Put the pasta in the fridge and eat it cold. Delicious! Why not offer some to your friends? I'm sure they'd be grateful! (Oooh, yes, that sounds wonderful, Orihime! -RM) (Careful, you two, you don't want to end up sacked after your first column. -SH) (WE HAVE BOOBS. YOU MUST OBEY. -RM) (... you two are really lucky I'm willing to give you a second chance. Because I'm a nice guy. -SH) (Yay! Thank you, Shuuhei! -OI) (Ha ha ha. -RM)

NEXT MONTH'S THEME: CAKES

Author's notes: This fic was inspired by my own recipes. I think that's all that needs to be said about that. XD However, this does mean that I can personally testify that both of these pasta dishes are actually pretty tasty and I would recommend them. :)

Seeing as this doesn't really have a plot, I'm going to mark it as "complete" from the start on the grounds that it'll never really be finished - there's pretty much an infinite number of recipes to be created and I will add to the fic as I see fit. Accordingly, "complete" doesn't mean I have nothing more to add.

Also, this isn't going to be a monthly thing. I'll update whenever I can think of anything suitable, whether that's once a week or once every couple of months.

Thank you for reading. :D