Maya was proud. Not in the way, where she looked down on someone because she thought to be superior. Not even in the way where sorry wasn't in her vocabulary because she thought to never be wrong.
This pride, it didn't hurt anyone but herself. This pride, made it so that she'll have to face her deepest fears on her own. Maya kept every secret, every unsure thought, in the deep recess of her chest. Behind her ribcage, was a safe full of things she kept close. Once open, you'll first see the sarcasm, wit, and and truely hilarious jokes floating around in a tangle of never ending words. Then you'll see the undeniable love, loyalty, and protectivness she has for her friends and family. This mostly looks like a waterfall of collected memories containing Riley. But there's also a lot of her mom, Farkle, Riley's family, and even Lucas. It's a long list.
But when you get passed all the parts she's dubbed 'good', you'll see the parts she doesn't very much like of herself. Where the "daddy issues", the broken home, and vicious dreams lie.
The worst part of her though, the part that she's having trouble hiding more and more every day. The part that makes her want to curl into a ball and hide, but also makes her want to shout in anger. Is that she's gay.
Right now it's one am, and her and Riley are laying in her bed. Under thick black covers, staying safe and warm. Riley's fallen asleep all but twenty minutes ago, but within that short time, the night has spoken to her. Has put her mind in overdrive, and kept her up with the very truth that she wants to keep hidden, but not sure if she can anymore.
Maya looks down at her best friend, the red glow from across the street makes her a shade of red the blonde has grown to admire. She doesn't want to disturb the peaceful slumber the brunette has fall in. But if she doesn't, whatever courage the night has given her will vanish with the moon in the morning.
"Riley," she pushes her gently. No movement. "Riley!" She repeats a little louder as well as pushing her a bit hard. A little movement, and a groan is all she gets as a reply.
"Riles, I really need to talk to you. It's important, so it'll be great if you're awake to hear it." Seconds later the lump under the sheets starts to move, and Riley sits up while rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"Peaches, what wrong?" She yawns out, but the concern in her voice is evident.
"I," Maya stops as the same fear she's been carrying strikes her entire body. What she thought she could just get out and say, gets stuck in her throat. And suddenly her eyes are burning, she's looking everywhere expect the brunette, and she just wants to run.
"Hey, Maya, it's okay." Riley pulls the blonde's head towards her, looking deeply into glassy blues. "What's wrong?" Maya turns her head again, looking down at fidgeting fingers above her covers.
"I don't think it is," she whispers and the first set of tears roll down her her face. She fears she'll be doing a lot of crying tonight.
Riley takes a small hand in hers to stop the shaky fingers from picking at themselves. "Maya please tell me what's wrong so I can fix it. Please." The brunette pleads, unsure of what else to say.
"I'm the problem, Riley!" She all but shouts, and once again, pulls away from the brunette. "I'm the fucking problem, and you can't fix this!" Tears of anger fall rapidly now, and burn Maya's skin as they fall on her hands.
Riley flinches at the harsh words, never having heard such anger in the blonde. She doesn't get the chance to say anything before Maya continues.
"I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hate what I see, I hate who I am. I hate that I'm into- God, why can't I just be-" Maya lets out a groan of frustration at not being able to finish her sentences.
She looks at Riley now, face wet, and eyes bloodshot. "Riley I don't want to be this way. I want to love who I am, but I don't, and it's killing me. I don't think I can take it anymore." Heaving sobs take over her words now. She can't talk anymore, so she throws her face in her pillows, trying to muffle the noise.
Riley's in tears now, as well. Her heart is aching, she doesn't know if words can comfort Maya right now, so she just cuddles up behind her. She moves Maya against her front, and wraps her arms tight around the blondes torso.
They lie there, no words spoken. Only the body racking sobs from Maya can be heard. They shake Riley's body, but she's too busy crying her own tears into Maya's shoulder to notice.
"Peaches, please let me help you," Riley chokes out, tightening her hold. "Please, please, please," she begs for a response, her entire body aches in pain for Maya.
The blonde slips a hand over Riley's and she inhales deeply trying to calm her body, calm the tears. "I," she pauses. "I am" another pause, and she sharply inhales in anger at herself.
Second pass before she tries again. "I like girls." She finds that much easier to say than saying she is gay. But as the words leave her mouth, a burning sensation envelopes her, and suddenly Riley's hold is too hot, suffocating actually.
Maya begins to struggle, but Riley won't give.
"Please let go, Riley!"
Riley only holds on harder, "shhh Maya, stop. I'm not letting go. I'm never letting go." Maya stops struggling, but she lets out a whaling sob as her body slacks against the brunette.
The tears have never stopped falling from hazel eyes, but she goes to speak anyway. "Who you are does not need fixing, Maya. You are not a problem." Riley pulls the hair that's fallen on Maya's face behind her ear.
"What does need fixing is how you see yourself. You are gay, you like girls." May flinches at the brunette's words, but Riley only squeezes her close. "That is okay, Maya. I love you so much, Peaches. I love who you are. You are not a problem, please don't hate yourself." Riley says the words carefully, making sure the blonde knows every word is true and sincere.
Maya turns in Riley's arms, burying her face into the brunette's neck. She's still crying, but it's much softer now. Riley's own tears have stopped and she just stares blankly with her chin atop Maya head.
Neither say another word to each other. Riley keeps Maya, tight within her arms. She soon feels the blonde's breath even out against her skin so she pulls the covers over them. Safe and warm, just as it should be.