Your name is DAVE. You do not remember your last name or where you were for the past few years. Your recent memories include but are not limited to; the feel of a very plush bed, the scent of chemically-enhanced air, and the calls of feathery assholes. Just as you open your eyes, you notice something is missing from your face – your awesome shades. You feel a bit sad not having them, but since the memory of them is vague and since you're too cool to get overly emotional, you shrug it off. It is silent until you sit up and stand from being apparently embedded in a mattress. A voice comes on, and it sounds a little more…off than what you're supposedly use to.
"HeY wHaT'S uP bROtHer? YoU BeEN iN a wiCkEd sUSpEnsIOn fOR…nInE-SoMEtHIn' sOMeThiN. tHIs Is A cOUrTesY cAlL t' tElL yOu ThAT yOu ShOUld AbsCOnd tHe fUcK OutTA tHeRE oR sOmE ShIT…"
The voice fades out as a rather angry one from outside a nearby door replaces it in your hearing.
"HEY! IS ANYONE IN THERE? HELLO! CAN ANYONE FUCKING ANSWER ME!" You move toward the noise slowly, and as cool as you can, "I KNOW SOMEONE'S THERE. ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING OPEN THE DOOR? AT ANY TIME, NOW? NO? …COME ON, JUST OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR. THIS IS REALLY FUCKING URGENT, I KID YOU NOT."
You pause. What does this douchebag want? …Okay, well you know what he wants, but his voice seems like it's masking an ulterior motive.
"OH, JUST OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR YOU FUCKASS! …OK THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOO AGGRESSIVE…UHH…HELLO, HUMAN! WHY NOT OPEN THE DOOR? …HMM…PROBABLY SPEAKS ANOTHER HUMAN LANGUAGE…" The presumably male voice proceeds to horribly butcher the Spanish language, "NO? OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU. FINE. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A FUCKTON OF OTHER TEST SUBJECTS BEGGING ME TO HELP THEM ESCAPE. IT'S NOT LIKE THE DAMN PLACE IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE OR SOMETHING!"
Explosions? You decide to hurry your cool self over to the door, which is apparently unlocked from your side, and open it. This explosion business piques your interest.
You proceed to open the door to view a being that is linked to a giant port above from his back. He is grey-skinned with lines under his eyes that make him appear robotic. Said eyes are red, like yours, but in what were supposed to be the 'whites' instead of the irises, which on him are black. Atop his head are two nubby horn-like things that are different shades of red, and he dons a detailed silver jacket and pants with black boots and gloves. In the center of his buttoned/zipped-up jacket is the red symbol for Cancer. The port he is linked to allows him to slide right on in via ceiling.
"FINALLY! I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD—OH….OH GOD…YOU LOOK TERRIBL—UHH…GOOD! LOOKING GOOD, ACTUALLY. FOR A HUMAN. UHH…IGNORE THAT." What is he babbling about? Even if you looked like shit, you'd probably still be hot as hell. You decide to take his advice and ignore it, "SO ARE YOU DOING ALRIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T ANSWER THAT. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. EITHER WAY, YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO RECOURPERATE, SO YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT SLOW, GOT IT? GOOD."
"hEY y'All. pRePArE fOr mOtHErfUcKiNG eMErgEnCY eVAcUaTIoN tImE :o)" The voice overhead says.
"OH SHIT! OHGODOHGODOHGOD, STAY CALM, STAY CALM! OKAY…OKAY, ALL WE GOTTA DO IS PREPARE. YEAH, PREPARE! ALRIGHT, DON'T MOVE. I'LL GET OUR ASSES OUT OF HERE." He then slides to the end of his predetermined trail and is pulled up into the chute above, "OH, YEAH. I'D HANG ON TO SOMETHING IF I WERE YOU. THEN AGAIN, THAT'S JUST ME. REALLY, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT IF YOU GET SMASHED. UP TO YOU, FUCKASS."
After a few moments of nothing but the background noise, the entire room quakes, leaving you confused as to why. It appears as if the whole thing's moving on its own, causing objects to topple and crash to the ground. Clearly reality signifies your pure awesomeness, as you aren't affected much by the motion. Maybe that's just you.
The robotic being slips through the chute once more, "MOST TEST SUBJECTS EXPERIENCE SOMETHING CALLED COGNITIVE DETERIORATION AFTER A FEW MONTHS IN SUSPENSION. YOU'VE BEEN UNDER FOR A HELL OF A LOT LONGER, SO IT'S NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION THAT YOU HAVE SERIOUS BRAIN DAMAGE AND EVERYTHING I'M SAYING TO YOU MEANS NOTHING AND MAKES NO SENSE IN YOUR LITTLE FRIED HUMAN BRAIN. WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM YOUR LAME-ASS SPECIES NONETHELESS. EITHER WAY, IF YOU EVEN UNDERSTOOD A PARTICLE OF MY SPEECH, DON'T FREAK OUT. IF YOU ARE FREAKING OUT, THEN THAT'S JUST A NORMAL REACTION TO BEING TOLD THAT YOU HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE."
Freak out? What the hell is he talking about, you're too chill to freak out. And you don't have brain damage if you can still sum up the intelligence to drop it like it's hot and throw down sick fires. It isn't the time or place to really do that, so you shut your mouth and let him ramble. You're cool with it.
"DO YOU EVEN FUCKING UNDERSTAND A SMIDGEN OF WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU? A FUCKING REPLY WOULD BE NICE. A 'YES', MAYBE? OH GOD, WOULD THAT BE FUCKING GLORIOUS." You decide to humor him, and plan to do an acrobatic pirouette off of the fucking handle, but you don't feel like such a display at the moment and jump instead, "WHAT. THE FUCK. YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST SHRUGGED. BUT INSTEAD, YOU JUST DECIDE TO…FUCKING JUMP? THE SHIT. OK, OK, YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT. I'M PROBABLY FUCKING WITH A HANDICAPPED MORON, AND I'M NOT REALLY COMFORTABLE WITH THAT, IT'S PRETTY CRUEL OF ME."
You think this to be very ironic instead of cruel. You need not explain why. Regardless, you stay silent and cool as fuck.
"YOU KNOW WHAT? JUMPING'S COOL. I'VE GOT NOTHING ON JUMPING, AT LEAST YOUR POOR FRIED BRAIN KNOWS HOW TO RESPOND. IT'S CLOSE ENOUGH TO SOCIAL INTERACTION." A loud beeping now persists, and the robot slides back into his chute, "JUST…HOLD THE FUCK ON AGAIN."
"tHe MOthErFuCKin reAcToR cOrE's abOuT tO mElT dOwN, sO prEpaRe YoSelvEs oR sOmE sHit. WhAtEVerS CoOL wItH yOu. hOnK." With that, the room moves itself yet again, but this time more severely. The wall next to you begins shattering, to which you can see a thick fog just outside followed by plants and various birds. You climb over near the bed to safety, as the room began to tilt, and you wait out the disaster as the robot's voice sounds from the chute.
"OK, I WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT I'M PRETTY SCREWED RIGHT NOW. I'M IN SOME HOT FUCKING WATER, THEORETICALLY SPEAKING. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT, SO I'M RUNNING ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU HAVE AT LEAST ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO GET YOURSELF AWAY FROM THE WRECKAGE." He paused, then continued as the room still moved along its path, "ANYWAYS, THE RESERVE POWER WENT OUT, SO OF COURSE THE WHOLE GODDAMN RELAXATION CENTER HAS TO STOP WAKING UP THE FUCKING TEST SUBJECTS. AN OF COURSE, NOBODY TELL ME ANYTHING! NOOO, WHY SHOULD THEY TELL KARKAT ANYTHING! STUPID FUCKASSES. WHY SHOULD I BE KEPT INFORMED? YOU KNOW, OF THE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF FUCKING TEST SUCJECTS I'M SUPPOSE TO BE IN CHARGE OF? AND WHO'S FAULT DO YOU THINK IT'S GONNA FUCKING BE WHEN THE MANEGEMENT COMES HERE AND FINDS TEN THOUSAND MOTHERFUCKING VEGETABLES?"
The room hits various obstacles on the way to the destination that Karkat – his self-given name – is expecting the mobile box to arrive at. The whole way there, he continues to complain about his job and how annoying everyone else is and finds him to be, not to mention how many times he complained about his slight screw ups, although he didn't really go on about them as much as he did about everything else. You knew of one of your friends, from a very foggy memory, who would love to be psychoanalyzing this AI. You didn't care much because you're too invested in not killing yourself via giant chunks of wall.
"OKAY, ALMOST THERE. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL IS ONE OF THE OLD TESTING TRACKS. THERE'S A PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN THERE THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET OUT. BRACE YOURSELF; I THINK THIS IS THE DOCKING STATION!"
The room slams against a sturdy wall, causing panels to fall off of it.
"FUCK. YOY KNOW WHAT? GOOD NEWS. THAT IS NOT A DOCKING STATION. I'LL JUST DO A FUCKING MANUEL OVERRIDE ON THIS WALL. COULD GET A BIT TECHNICAL. DON'T WORRY, IT'S PROBABLY THE FOURTH WALL I'VE HAD TO DO THIS TO. I'M USE TO IT BY NOW." All he does is re-slam the room into the wall, spitting out a bunch of swear words afterwards. He again advises you to wait, and you do, because apparently in this place, time is something that can be killed over and over again. While the room is backing up a third time, Karkat speaks yet again, "YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GUN THAT MAKES HOLES. I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT AND TOOK THAT THE WRONG WAY…UGH, WHATEVER. YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT."
This time, the metal box slams down the wall, making panels and debris fly off, leaving a pile that should allow you to transcend down into the next area you crashed into. You were about to stumble down into the room, but the voice of the AI stops you, and he continues speaking.
"HOLY SHIT, FINALLY!" He appears in the same exact spot, below the chute, rubbing his temples in a mock position of what humans generally do under stress, "I'LL BE HONEST HERE; YOU'RE PORBABLY IN NO FIT STATE TO BE RUNNING THIS PARTICULARLY COMPLICATED COGNITIVE GAUNTLET. WELL, UHH…AT LEAST YOU'RE A GOOD JUMPER. YOU'VE GOT JUMPING, KID, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. JUST DO YOUR BEST NOT TO FUCK SOMETHING UP, AND I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE IN A SECOND. ASSUMING YET AGAIN THAT YOU CAN COMPREHEND MY SPEECH."
With that, you turn your back on him – in the process probably surprising him that you were able to complete his request – and you walk into the room. You shock yourself due to the fact that the floor you were expecting to land on was glass instead, leading you into a different room. This room appeared vaguely familiar to you, as if you'd been in the place before. There was nothing more than a containment bed, a desk with a radio on it, broken glass, and a toilet. The same voice from earlier rings above.
"wHaT'S uP, mY HuMan fRiENd? wELcoMe tO aPeRtUre sCieNce EnrIcHMenT cENtEr. hOnK." He gladly and slowly, as if high or some shit, greets you yet again, "wE'rE kInDa In A BaD sItUAtIoN rIgHt nOw tHaNKs tO SoMe mOtHerFuCKin ApoCoLYpTiC eVeNts, bEyOnd OuR mOthErfuCkIn cONtRol. bUT, tHanKS tO sOmE wIcKEd EmeRGenCy TesTiNg ProToCOls, wE'Re sTilL geTtiN oUr tEsTiN oN. tHeSe PrE-reCorDed MesSaGes aRe hErE fOr inSTrUctIons aNd mOtIvatIon n sHiT, sO tHaT wE cAN sTilL bE aLL Up iN oUr sCieNcE jAzZ, eVeN dUrIN sOmE mOtHErfUckIN cRaZy sHiT gOiN oN. AiN'T thAT sWeEt oF Us? :o) aNYwaYs, a MothErfUcKin pOrtAL wIlL oPeN aNd eMerGeNcY teStIn wiLl bEgIN iN 3…2…1."
Just like that, a large orange portal opens up on an equally large white slab, and you figure this aforementioned testing has begun. You step outside to see more familiar rooms, now corrupted by plantlife. There is a broken white screen with the number '00' on top, and next to it is the room you're in, now viewable from a different standpoint thanks to the portal. You curiously step out, observing your surroundings, but get bored with it like the coolkid you are and move on to greater and more amazing things.
The testing has begun.