Beta+criticism wanted.
Sleep and Death don't work well together..
I don't want to sleep, need to keep those eyes open. A little voice in my head is singing, taunting me; Come on.. stay awake. Take a deep breath, blink a few times.. You are allowed to yawn but don't you dare to fall asleep. Come on; you can manage this because you know, when you fall asleep you are with him again and you don't want that. Stay awake, don't fall to sleep. The voice whispered on and on.. like a broken record on repeat in the hallows of every single night.
Once sleep overtakes me in the early hours just before the sun decides to rise; Know where to go.
I am going to the only place that can make my body feel alive and where my heart gets filled with love and takes all the existing pain away.. Then, for just a few tiny hours it's just you and me, together..Alive.. Once more. Life feels like it goes back to how it was long ago, when you were still with me; love and happiness.
You know, when you fall asleep.. there is a point where you need to wake up. That's exactly the thing I just don't want to do..But I can't fight it; Eyes are filling with silent tears; mind filling with broken pieces of scenes in the future whereof I know, they will never come true. Chest is aching of a loudly thumping heart that gets shattered and crushed under the weight of my own soft voice whispering; begging for a way to have you in my arms again..
For hours and hours my mind gets lost from reality, sobbing over him.. Until someone comes around and take me back to real life and remind me of the living still here to take care for. Telling me I should not waste my life over a dead man. I try; I really do.. but I can't seem to manage a point of letting him go; I don't want to.
But when the night comes around; the sky goes black, the clock keeps ticking hours away and sleep is luring in the dark and waiting for me to end the vicious circle of repeating sentences and whisk me up; take me to my loved one in the wonderful world of dreams.. Just to crush my existence by the cruel act of waking me up in the morning. Same thing every night and same thing every morning; It doesn't bloody change.
Lately; with the holidays around, my pleading voice spills different words and dangerous thoughts; Either sleep keep me forever or stay away for eternity because being in the middle.. is what I can't take. It only makes me longing more for the man I have lost and can't have back.. Never. Every night I pray for sleep to forget about me and when I am with him in my dreams I want to stay very badly.. in the meanwhile; when I am actually awake and not lost, I will try to build a stairway to heaven because no matter what, how many days go by.. I love him. Many can say he was just a man and do not grief, I say he was my soul mate and my loved one and I do grief ..as long as it takes. Every day and every night.
Both sleep and death are cruel and are downright evil when you suffer of them both, not to mention the holidays; they are the killing machines around. Put the three together and a lethal cocktail will arise.