Scared…
Always scared of being alone…
And yet I do not realize that in my determination in not being alone, I'm pushing away someone that can make my life rich of companionship. Not in the same way as you feel when you are with a friend. Different, but in a go and warm way. Yet it is so unfamiliar that it leaves me insecure and tense. Truth is, I have never searched or longed for this kind of relationship before to a boy. Did I really say longed? It's so strange how fast and how many turns your life can take. A month ago, I would only dream of Hajun. And dream was all I did. Now I found myself wondering, asking and at a point fascinated by Siho. This boy, who is the opposite of the man I have had a crush on for years. The boy I would usually ignore, shut out and even dislike. The boy that I now have come to respect and admire, and that somehow has managed to sneak into my life without me noticing. Maybe it is because he seems sincere and genuine. I don't know!
I see him looking at me, and when he smiles I feel so happy. Yet I can hear the warnings from the people around me. He is a playboy, I'm not his first. And that scares me. So I keep him at a further distance then he likes, yet closer than any boy I have known. I do not know how long I will keep it up. All I know is that when it comes to finding out what I really want, I'm truly alone. Even though there is a great part of me smiling back at him.