a/n Okay, this story is going to be four parts long. I hope you enjoy.

Jac Naylor sighed, running a hand through her hair. She was tired, though she wouldn't admit to it if she was asked. She reached out and flicked the switch that turned her computer on. Soon the screen was flickering into life. She started to shuffle the paperwork on her desk, aiming to complete some before anyone disturbed her. She scrabbled around on her usually neat desk – now covered in paperwork – for a pen. After a while, she conceded defeat, and stood up. She crossed the room to Elliot's desk. As she searched for a pen on her colleague's desk, she determinedly looked down at the wood of the table, not even glancing at the pictures that adorned it. She found a pen a few seconds later, but as she went to walk away, something caught her eye. There was a sheet of paper sticking out of one of his draws, as if hastily shoved there. A name on the paper had caught her eye. Her curiosity got the better of her common sense, so she slid the draw open and removed the paper. Her eyes scanned the paper. As soon as she realised what it was, she dropped it like it was a hot coal. She hadn't even finished reading it – but she had read enough.

Joseph was getting married.

Shock ran though her veins, and then anger that Joseph hadn't informed her of this event. She stood stock still, and then shook her head. She hadn't seen him in two years. He was allowed to do what he wished; it had been her who had said no two years ago. She picked up the invite and glanced at it again, and her stomach dropped even further. He was getting married today. She folded it up and placed it in the pocket of her scrubs. She didn't know why it hurt her so much – she didn't care about him anymore – but the denial of any feelings wasn't working, her body was betraying her. The pain she was feeling was because of the invite –she knew really, but she didn't want to admit that the fact that Joseph was getting married hurt her – just like she didn't admit how much it hurt last time.

She shook her head, now angry at herself for thinking and feeling as she was. She repeated the same three words over and over in her head. I don't care. She managed to get her feeling back into check. She left the office, her paper work undone and her feelings in disarray.

"Ah, Jac." Jonny approached her. "Your patient is asking if you have her results yet."

"Which one?" She asked, her voice sharp. Jonny glanced, bewildered, at her before he began searching the desk in front of him for the patient's notes, and after a few seconds of manic searching, he found them.

"Kylie Dawson, bed eight." Jac nodded. "Her results?"

Jac reached across the desk and snatched up the results, which are lying just where she left them. "I've got them." She snapped, leaving Jonny confused as to why she was in such a foul mood. She stood up and walked over to her patient – trying to get her mind off what happened in the office. "Right, Miss Dawson-" She started.

"Have you got my results?" Kylie interrupted. "Can I go home?" She asked, hopefully. Jac shook her head.

"Nope." Jac watched as Kylie's face fell. "You had an ASD corrected when you were a child. The correction has failed and if we don't fix it, you will die." She was being blunter than usual, not using any tact what so ever. Jonny who had joined her side a few seconds earlier, raised his eyebrows at her words. "But the problem is you're pregnant." She paused to let the news sink in.

Jonny grabbed her by the arm and pulled her slightly away from the bed. "Well, you did that really well." Jonny pointed out, sarcastically.

She wrenched her arm out of his grip. "I don't need tips, thanks very much." She said, turning back to the bed. Kylie was sitting stock still, and was as white as a sheet. "Is there anyone you want to call? The father?" Jac asked, whilst flicking through her file.

Jac looked back up at her patient. She was sobbing gently into her pillow. Jac stood there awkwardly. "Are you alright?" She asked, also awkwardly – she didn't know what to do or say.

"What does it look like?" Kylie snapped in reply, raising her face from the pillow. "It's not that I don't want kids – I do – just not right now."

"And the father?" Jonny asked – Jac was not sure why he was asking, it wasn't any of their business.

"He left about three weeks ago, because he couldn't cope with his high pressure job and being a single dad. He asked me to go with him and I said no. Why couldn't I have got pregnant before?" Kylie lamented.

Jac froze at the woman's words. After all that the morning had thrown at her already, she had to deal with this? Millions of things rushed through her head at the same time. "Jac?" Jonny asked, confusion rippling through his tone.

"Well, Miss Dawson, I'll leave you to have a think then." Jac turned sharply on her heels and stalked off. She got the desk and collapsed into the swivel chair.

"Are you alright?" Jonny whispered over her shoulder, scaring her and causing her to flinch slightly.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She told him, tersely. Just before he started to talk, she abruptly stood up – after seeing Elliot walk into their shared office, and anger rising up in her.

She swung the door open and it shut with a bang behind her. Elliot looked up, smiling at her. "Jac-" He started warmly, but she cut him off.

"How long have you known?" She asked, angrily. Reaching into her pocket, she removed the folded up invite and waved it in the air.

"Known what?" Elliot said, bewildered, standing up.

"How long have you known?" She repeated, as Elliot walked closer. As he got closer he realised what she was clutching.

"Ah…" He trailed off. "I-I thought he'd tell you." He answered, flatly. She breathed heavily in.

"It doesn't matter, anyway." Jac said, turning to leave.

"Of course it matters, Jac, you care about him." Elliot said, and it tipped her off the edge.

"I don't care! I don't care." She shouted, and she walked angrily out of the office, slamming the door behind her. She prowled down the corridor, the scowl on her face scaring off anyone who wanted to approach her. She pushed the door of the locker room open with her shoulder and she slid down on the bench. She pulled her legs up to her chin, and covered her ears with her hands. It was a technique she had learnt as a child, to get away when things went bad. She started describing a scene in her head.

She is sitting on a sun lounger. It is warm. She is wearing a polka dot bikini and there is a martini sitting on the table next to her. Also on the table is a book – it is Body Double by Tess Gerritsen. There is a pool in front of her – the water is a lovely shade of-

Her thoughts were disrupted by the door shutting. Elliot was standing there, looking at her. She uncurled her feet and sat properly. "Jac." He said, and she could hear pity in his voice.

"What?" She snapped.

"What's the point?" Elliot asked, and Jac's brow furrowed in confusion.

"What's the point of what?" She snapped again.

"Saying you don't care about him."

She laughed. "Maybe it's because I don't care about him." She said, bluntly.

Elliot shook his head. "If you don't care, why does it make you angry?" He asked. Jac didn't answer.

Elliot joined her and sighed. "Just admit that you still care for him." Elliot's voice was quiet. They lapsed in to silence – as Jac didn't want to answer Elliot's question.

"All right." She conceded after a while. "I'm-I-I still care for him. Ok, it that what you wanted?" She said, standing up.

"Try telling him that, not me."

"But he doesn't care anymore." She paused. "And it hurts. I don't want to care for him and I don't want it to hurt because he obviously doesn't care anymore." Jac unloaded all of her feeling on to Elliot. "I've lost him." She admitted.

"You've still got time to tell him." Elliot voice was full of hope.

"I don't. I've lost him." Jac's voice was little more than a whisper.

"Go home, Jac. You can't heal anybody when you're broken yourself." Jac went to protest, but she stopped herself. She nodded and waited for Elliot to leave.

…

Just sitting at home was worse. There was nothing to distract her from her troubles. She spent all her time lamenting letting him go or being angry at him for getting married. The closer and closer it got to nightfall, she knew it was closer and closer to losing him, for forever this time. Elliot's words echoed around her head. You've still got time. No, she didn't.

Today was the first time in two years that she had admitted that she cared for Joseph. Despite everything she knew that she would still care for him after today. So why not tell him this?

It took her hours to convince herself that it was the right thing to do. She had to tell him. But when she was sitting on her motorbike in her driveway, all her courage failed her. What was the point of breaking her heart even more? She turned the key in the ignition and her action made the decision for her.

With the wind whipping at her hair, and the rain soaking her clothes, she didn't have any time to think. She liked that. The wedding and reception was being held in the same place, she knew that from the invite, and it didn't take her long to get there. It was about fifteen minutes outside Holby and about twenty from her house. She dismounted her bike and killed the engine, and she could feel her nerves being shred to pieces. It took her a few minutes to work up enough courage to enter the building and she had decided that if he looked happy, then she would leave him be. She hadn't ever made him happy.

She stood for a few seconds in the entrance to the hall where the reception was being held. Music was vibrating the floorboards and she could hear it clearly as the double doors to the hall where wide open. Then she took a deep breath and entered the hall. She faltered when she saw him. He was kneeling on the floor, and a little boy she could only assume was Harry was playing in front of him. He looked handsome in his suit. He looked happy.

"Who are you?" An old woman suddenly appeared next her. Jac shook her head.

"I'm nobody." She said, turning and leaving, honouring her promise to herself to leave him be, if he was happy. She walked slowly back to her bike, with a heavy heart weighing her down.

"Jac…" It was one word, and even after two years and even through the rain and the wind, she recognised Joseph's voice. She didn't turn around, but she did stop in her tracks. She wrapped her leather jacket tighter around her, as protection against the cold and rain. The rain was even heavier and she was now soaked to the skin.

"What's her name?" Jac asked, slowly.

"Tanya." He answered, solemnly. She took this new information.

"I'll be going then." She said, softly. She started to walk off, but he reached out a hand and pulled her back.

"We need to talk." He said, also softly. "Come on." He said, tenderly, after a while. He took her hand and led her, in silence, into the building. They walked into the hall, dripping wet. The music changed to Rosé by The Feeling. He leant across and whispered into her ear. "Dance with me, Jac." She nodded and she put her hands around his neck, and he put his arms around her waist. She didn't say anything, but she felt safe in his arms. They danced in silence for a little while, before Jac whispered into his ear.

"Is she the only one you've been with, since…" She trailed off, not knowing what to say. Her voice was quiet and soft.

"Yes." He said, quietly. "Have you been with anyone, since…" He also trailed off, not quite knowing what to ask or if he wanted to know the answer.

"One man." She said, gently.

"And is he special?" Joseph asked, and Jac thought she heard a flash of jealously in his voice.

"He's in love with me." She said, slowly. She felt Joseph tighten his grip, and she had to suppress a small smile.

"And are you in love with him?" Joseph asked, and his grip tightened even more. Instead of answering, she buried her head in his shoulder and didn't look at him. She felt slightly angry at him for needing to ask that question. They lapsed in to a silence.

"Are you in love with your wife?" She asked, and she waited with a heavy heart to hear him confirm her worst nightmare. But he didn't answer, just as she hadn't. She knew that if his silence meant the same as hers then he wasn't in love with his wife. The song finished and they broke apart.

"Are you going to introduce me to your friend?" Jac turned her head to see who was talking. It was a woman wearing a wedding dress, it was Joseph's wife.

"Tanya, this is Jac – and old friend." Tanya smiled at her and reached out a hand. Jac took it and they shook hands.

"I'd better be going." Jac said, and she saw Joseph's smile fall. Joseph reached over and they awkwardly embraced. She brought her hand up to his face and brushed her fingers against his skin. "Good luck." She whispered, sadly. She kissed him on the cheek, and her lips lingered slightly too long to just be old friends. She turned and walked out of the hall, just as Chris De Burgh's Lady in Red came on. She battled away tears, promising herself she wouldn't cry at least until she got home.

She climbed onto her bike, and she was already soaked to the skin again. She turned the key in the ignition.

She'd lost him.

a/n I hope you liked that. I'm going to update every Wednesday from now on.

So see you Wednesday!

Emmel.