Disclaimer: The Hunger Games belong to Suzanne Collins.

A/N: Hi everybody, the Catching Fire movie is out today as far as I know. I'm really excited that I will get to see it soon and therefore wrote a parody. Enjoy.

Chapter 1 (Bloodbath)

The cylinder rises into the arena. Katniss spends a few seconds not noticing, then sees the Cornucopia and spokes circulating around it, with two tributes in-between each of the spokes.

Katniss: There is no way this is a clock in any form or way, even though literally every clock I've seen has exactly this layout.

Her eyes focus on the Cornucopia, then again at the spokes leading to it which are many metres away across masses of water.

Katniss: Good thing that I can swim, which I cannot possibly have legally learned in District 12.

She looks around to see Woof is the other one in her section.

Katniss: Okay, hi, I am meant to acknowledge other characters at least once per chapter. As this is still counting down and I know both your name and the probability that you will not make it past the bloodbath, hi.

The gong rings and she dives into the water.

Katniss: Really? I can dive as well. This seems rather far-fetched.

She reaches the spoke and runs to the Cornucopia, arriving before anybody including District 4 who can actually swim better due to being the water district. She grabs her bow and arrows and senses somebody behind her, poised with his trident ready to attack.

Katniss: Hey Finnick, I was just thinking about you. Why were you not here faster than me? Did you not see my bloodbath last time? I spent forever waiting around without getting killed somehow. Just let me slowly get my weapons so I can kill you.

Finnick: You can swim too? Where would you learn that in the coal mining district which has no trees or streams as far as anybody knows inside the fence?

Katniss: I hunt illegally, and there is this lake in the fores- [remembers where she is]. I mean, we have a massive big bathtub. Not just recently. I mean, despite the fact that our house was tiny, it was basically all bathtub. I think that must also have been where I learned how to dive.

Finnick: Despite the fact that I called you on it, this is not the time to have the extended conversation. I'll just agree that you must and… no wait, let's talk about the arena. How do you like it?

Katniss: Nah, not particularly. When I'm in a fight to the death I would prefer an environment that I am comfortable in. Ideally one with no mutts to attack me, where I can sleep up a tree which the Careers for some reason cannot climb. Close enough like last time, but with even less danger to me. They made this for you though.

Finnick: Yeah, that's right. They started making this arena for me long before most people knew I was going to the arena with the announcement of the Quarter Quell.

Miraculously, not a single other tribute has attacked them, and although they have been poised to attack each other for a while neither of them are dead.

Finnick: This has gone on more than long enough. We're allies.

He shows her the bangle Haymitch gave him.

Katniss: Really? I'm pretty sure it is a trap. I told Haymitch I did not want allies. I can't believe a drunk who lied to me in the past would lie to me again. Okay, fine, we are allies.

Finnick: Duck. District 5 feels like joining the conversation and we've already been here long enough, so let me kill him.

Katniss ducks and the trident wizzes over her head, into the man from District 5.

Katniss: It's remarkable how you still manage to remain a sympathetic character from this point on. Maybe I should start taking lessons from you. Many people hate me, and it's not like District 5 guy will ever be mentioned again past the sky tonight.

Finnick: Don't trust One and Two. The readers are already finding it hard enough to believe District 4 is suddenly sympathetic this time, and as soon as we start feeling sympathy for the brother and sister who have to fight each other to the death this series is doomed.

Katniss: Obviously. Districts 1 and 2 are the only ones I am still allowed to kill without seeming evil.

Finnick: Let's look at the Cornucopia now, finally.

They both notice that there is nothing but weapons and grab anything else which they need. They find that the Careers are approaching.

Katniss shoots and Enobaria and Gloss. Finnick meanwhile does nothing. Enobaria manages to dive back into the water but Gloss gets hit in the calf.

Gloss: Which way possible could you shoot me which hits me in the calf? Seriously, what were you aiming at this low? Sea shells?

Katniss: Sorry, I just can't possibly kill you now because the Careers must make it past the bloodbath in order to be seen as half a threat. Don't worry, later I will kill you in an equally pathetic way. Now shut up, I don't think you have a speaking role in this thing.

Brutus charges at Katniss and she fires at him. He blocks with his belt above his liver, as for some reason she was still aiming lower than a killing shot.

Katniss: My 'shoot to kill' has really gone downhill since training. Let's get out of here.

She's about to run but remembers Peeta, then stares at him thinking about it for an even longer time. Even though the Careers had found the Cornucopia, for some reason they are not yet attacking Katniss or Finnick.

Finnick: I'll get him. I need to give fan fiction writers something to work with in case they want to make me gay. Also, there is this other reason I will not tell you about and I am the better swimmer. And you're pregnant.

Katniss: Hey, I beat you here. Hmm, should I pretend to vomit while I am meant to be covering you?

Finnick swims off and collects Peeta.

Katniss: This does not seem suspicious at all.

Katniss finally begins to cover Finnick, finding the Careers still at the Cornucopia, most of the others still at their starting plates, and Mags approaching.

Finnick and Peeta return. Peeta looks oddly at Finnick.

Peeta: Really? I did not know we had allies. Did we inexplicably ally with anybody else I don't know of?

Katniss: I don't think so. Just Mags.

Finnick: Well, I'm not leaving her behind.

They spot that Beetee has figured out how to use the floatation devices then leave into the jungle.

Katniss: Just a second. How can the Careers know how to swim? I mean, there is no pool in the Training Centre, and are we meant to believe even Districts 1 and 2 are equipped for something which isn't in most Games I have seen. Somebody answer me. Gloss got an extra line so I get one too…

Finnick: Shut up. You've had more than one extra line.