This fic was translated by me from Polish (the original title is Wszyscy żyjemy w kłamstwie). I would like to thank my lovely Roma and Kass for encouraging me to do it and Zappypup for beta reading!
Tiane Diaga.
Merlin couldn't get a memory of the spell out of his head. An ancient ritual required strong magic and mandragora roots. The High Priestess of the Old Religion succeeded in bounding her victim's will. After this cruel act her victim became nothing but a puppet in her hands, an empty shell filled with a will of its mistress.
Morgana was the High Priestess.
Guinevere was her victim.
Travel to Arianrhod was not easy. Gwen had to stay unconscious until they reach waters of Cauldron which were full of power of the Triple Goddess. Only her touch could restore a free will to the Queen of Camelot.
They were supposed to reach the lake tomorrow.
Mordred was watching two men attentively. Every now and then Arthur was throwing a glance at his unconscious wife as if he was afraid that she was going to disappear. Despite these glimpses his attention was entirely focused on Merlin. The youngest knight of Camelot wasn't blind and he saw something that the two of them seemed not to realize. Secret smiles. Accidentally hands touching. Glances full of affection exchanged while doing even the most trivial things. Touching, a lot of touching shoulders or legs. Giving each other pats, ruffling hair. Arthur and Merlin seemed not to notice it. It was nothing unusual for them, it was as usual as breathing . When they were in a larger group it was not so noticeable. But now, when Mordred stayed with them alone, not counting sleeping Guinevere, he could see everything clearly. Suddenly every gesture had a completely different meaning. Everything became clear to the young druid.
He followed Merlin who went away to the forest to gather wood for a campfire. It was cold and Merlin couldn't let the queen and the king of Camelot catch a chill from sleeping on a frozen ground. He wasn't worried about himself. He wasn't worried about Mordred too, but for different reasons.
Very soon he heard him approach. Even if he wouldn't realize it by a rustle of leaves and a sound of breaking branches, his magic would know about it. He felt a presence of someone like himself.
"You're his lover."
Merlin froze. He wondered frantically how to deny, what excuse to find. Mordred's words completely surprised him. What should he say? What lie should he tell? How should he react?
"How did you know ?", he asked instead.
"I've been watching you", Mordred said slowly, facing Merlin. He did not seem surprised or excited. He was as impassive as ever. "It's obvious, Merlin. Affectionate gestures, glances, accidental touches. They betrayed you. It was apparently nothing, and yet so much."
Merlin did not answer. He looked down. He blushed. It felt like Mordred caught him in the act.
"I heard so many rumors in Camelot", the young knight continued, oblivious to Merlin's embarrassment. "People say that you are close to each other, but no one seems to suspect that you are that close. But don't worry", he added quickly. "I won't tell anyone. You can trust me. You know that I am good at keeping secrets, Emrys."
I know, Merlin thought. Mordred was the only person in Camelot besides Gaius who knew about his magic. He called him Emrys on purpose. It was a name given to him from druids. Mordred wanted to tell Merlin that he won't betray his new secret as he didn't betray his old one.
"Do you love him?", the druid asked suddenly.
"Does it matter?", Merlin responded, even more confused than before. He wasn't able to look into Mordred's eyes.
"He's your king. Your lord. And you're nothing but a servant to him."
"He's my friend", Merlin said firmly.
"Guinevere is your friend too."
Mordred paused, waiting for Merlin's reaction. The sorcerer knew what meant the knight. He was silent, but his loud thoughts needed no words. You're lying to her, were saying his eyes. Both you and Arthur. You meet behind her back. In royal chambers. In a bed in which she sleeps.
And Mordred knew. He knew how hard it was for Merlin to hide another secret from another friend. How difficult it was to cheat and how bad he felt about it.
Merlin could be the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth, but he was also a man. He was a man and as every man he had his own needs, desires and weaknesses. He had feelings and dreams. And he was weak against forces that hadn't much to do with magic, but their power was much stronger than magic spells. One look, one touch or one word was enough for Merlin to forget that it was wrong. That he would have to lie. It didn't matter because the power of Arthur's magnetic eyes was much stronger than any doubts. And Merlin gave up, he gave up every time. He despised himself for knowing that pleasure was taking control over him. He was stricken with remorse but he couldn't stop it. Not when his king ordered him to stay with him for one more night.
Not when Merlin wanted to stay.
"She wanted to kill him and he still wants to save her life", Mordred said.
Once again Merlin could hear Mordred's unspoken words in his head. See? Arthur loves Gwen. It doesn't matter to him that she wanted him dead and organized an attempt on his life. He loves her so much that he wants to save her life anyway. Even after what she did to him. Would he do the same for you? No, Merlin. He doesn't love you. He doesn't. Arthur loves only the queen.
"It must be hard to live a lie, Emrys".
Mordred knew. He knew how torn Merlin was.
He had to hide his magic.
He had to hide a true nature of his relationship with Arthur.
But why does Mordred even care? Merlin got angry. It wasn't Mordred's business at all . He shouldn't stick his nose in it. He had no right to judge him.
"I'm not the only one who lives a lie", Merlin said, looking into Mordred's eyes. He triumphed for a short moment. Mordred also had to hide his magic. If Arthur knew about it, he would sentence him to death.
"No, you aren't", to his surprise the knight smiled, a cold smile not matching the look in his eyes. "We all live in a lie."
Mordred was already asleep, Arthur's eyes were locked on unconscious Gwen. He was worried. He looked like an ancient statue of a king forged from a stone as he was sitting with his elbows resting so heavily on his knees, with a grim stare fixed on his sleeping wife. His sharp profile clearly distinguished against golden and orange flames soaring up with a quiet bang. He was so beautiful, so beautiful and seemingly unfazed. Deep inside he might be burning like fire.
"She wanted to kill you and you still want to save her life", Merlin said, unwittingly repeating Mordred's words. He couldn't stop thinking about it. His words sowed seeds of anxiety in him.
"It wasn't her", the king answered, not looking at him. He seemed surprised that Merlin broke the silence. "It was Morgana and her magic. Magic is evil, Merlin. Not Gwen."
"It's not magic that's evil but the people who use it for evil", Merlin disagreed. The king's words were hurting him. If you only knew, he wanted to scream. If you only knew that I had magic!
Arthur didn't answer.
"Would you do the same thing for me?", Merlin asked.
The king looked at him, surprised.
"What do you mean?"
"Would you come to Arianrhod and seek help for me from the Triple Goddess in waters of Cauldron?", he asked. Suddenly the answer seemed extremely important to him. He had to know the truth. Mordred couldn't be right. Merlin wasn't just Arthur's servant. He was much more than that. Arthur wasn't entertaining himself at Merlin's expense. Arthur cared about him.
He could see uncertainty in king's eyes. Arthur hesitated. He didn't know how to answer.
"Do you love me, Arthur?", Merlin asked as he grabbed his hand. He wanted to cry. He had to know the truth!
Arthur withdrew his hand and looked away.
"You're my friend, Merlin. My best friend."
"Just a friend?", Merlin asked. Why did it hurt? It wasn't an insult, but he felt pain, choking pain increasing with every passing moment. He had no idea what he was saying anymore. "Do you sleep around with all of your friends then?"
Arthur instinctively turned away to look at Mordred and Gwen. He wanted to make sure that they were still asleep and that they didn't hear anything.
"Let's not talk about it", he said.
"Why?", Merlin asked again. He was so upset, he was barely able to breathe. He needed it. He needed his words, his glances. His touch. Him.
He stood up and sat near to Arthur. He was so close to him. He could feel Arthur's rapid breathing on his face. He touched his warm cheek and stroked it tenderly with his long fingers. He has done it so many times before that he lost count. He opened his mouth. He was thirsty, but water wasn't what he wanted.
"Why?", he whispered.
Arthur firmly took his hand. It wasn't that easy.
"Not with Gwen and Mordred around. It's... I feel bad about it."
"You didn't mind it in Camelot."
"There was no one who could see us."
"No one can see us now either."
"We were alone in my chambers", Arthur said, shaking his head impatiently. "What is it all about, Merlin? Are you jealous of Gwen? She's my queen, my wife and I love her with all my heart. With all my heart", he repeated louder. "There is nothing I wouldn't do to save her life because I love her."
Merlin stepped back. It was too painful for him. He wanted to scream. You love her, but you're still cheating on her with me? Where was the point? He was jealous of Gwen, of course he was, but he knew that he couldn't compete with her. Arthur didn't even know that Gwen's fate depended on his manservant's will. Merlin could change his mind and not save her. Gwen could forever remain Morgana's puppet. And Merlin could have Arthur for himself, only for himself ...
What am I thinking, Merlin thought. He was scared of his own thoughts. He was afraid that he was slowly falling into a madness. Did magic do the same thing to him as it did to Morgana? Was it magic that dragged him towards evil? Doing evil with magic was so easy. Much easier than doing good.
So Mordred was right. He was telling the truth, but Merlin didn't want to listen. Arthur didn't care about him. To him Merlin was only a friend, only a servant, only a goddamn whore. And Merlin was naive and stupid, hoping for something more. For something that could never happen. Why did he even try? Why did he allow himself to live in a sweet illusion?
"We all live in a lie", he said, repeating Mordred's words again. Then he turned away and went to sleep, trying to ignore a cold ground and an even colder, painful stab in his heart.
Maybe it would be better if Morgana casted the Tiane Diaga spell on him as she did it on Gwen. At least he wouldn't feel the pain.
They managed to save Guinevere.
Merlin was looking at happy couple and was watching as Arthur and Gwen were making up for their lost time. They were smiling at each other with shining eyes, just like at the beginning of their marriage, when a routine hadn't killed passion and mutual fascination yet. They were discovering each other again and again, learning to enjoy being by each other's side.
Merlin smiled, but he didn't feel joy. He cursed himself for it. Gwen was his friend. He should be happy that she came back, that she was being herself again, that she was no longer just an empty vessel filled with Morgana's will... but he couldn't. All bad, conflicted thoughts came back to him. If he didn't save Gwen, he wouldn't need to share Arthur with her. One day he wouldn't have to hide it and one day he wouldn't be forced to hide his magic either…
Mordred was looking at him, but he said nothing. He didn't have to. Merlin could hear an echo of his yesterday's words.
We all live in a lie, Emrys.
He went away in a direction of a stream to fill empty water bags.
At the moment he wanted to twist on a cork he felt someone's presence behind his back.
He turned round and saw Arthur. He was in a much better mood than yesterday. He was smiling and beaming with happiness. He was glad that he had his wife back.
"We need to talk", he said, squatting next to a stream. He sighed. He looked slightly nervous. "Yesterday... I was thinking about what you've said to me."
His voice was muffled. The king kept turning away in fear that Gwen and Mordred notice or overhear them.
Merlin was worried.
"What do you mean?"
Arthur bit his lips. After a moment, he dared to look straight into his eyes.
"I wanted to apologize", he said. "I never wanted to force you to do something against your will. I didn't want you to feel guilty about ..."
Arthur paused and cleared his throat. His voice turned into a barely audible whisper. "… to make you feel bad about... satisfying me."
Merlin froze.
"You didn't force me to anything, Arthur. I knew exactly what I was doing. It was my choice."
Arthur lowered his head. He was staring at Merlin's hands. The same hands that used to touch him so often, calming him... or making him burn.
"I care about you, Merlin", he whispered. "You're my friend and I don't want to lose you. I don't want to destroy our friendship. It matters too much to me. It was a mistake."
Merlin was listening to him, but he didn't understand. His hands started trembling and water from a water bag he held poured back into a stream. His eyes began to water and he barely managed to hold back his tears. His heart was beating too fast.
"Did you get bored with me?", he muttered, regretting that he sounded so pathetic and plaintive. But he couldn't make it another way. "Did I offend you somehow? Did I say or do something wrong? Didn't I give you a pleasure you wanted? Is that it?"
"No!", Arthur denied violently. "It's just that... when Gwen came back... I realized how much I love her and how much she means to me. I don't want to cheat on her any longer. I can't. I don't want to live in a lie anymore and I don't want to force you to do the same."
"You don't want me anymore?", Merlin asked. Arthur didn't exactly say that, but he meant it. Merlin was hurt. Deeply hurt.
Arthur was silent. His blue eyes glanced at the stream, and a moment later at Merlin. There was a strange tenderness in a way he was looking at him and something more, something that Merlin had seen many times before.
Affection.
"I want you", Arthur whispered with a slightly hoarse voice full of emotions. He raised his hand and touched Merlin's cheek exactly the same way the sorcerer did it yesterday by the campfire. He stroked it gently with his fingers, savoring every brush. He stroked Merlin's black, messy hair with his second hand. He ruffled his hair with a strange focus on his face, as if he was trying to remember a sequence of his hand's moves and the pleasant sensation which was overwhelming him every time he felt Merlin's soft hair under his fingers. He parted his lips. It used to be an invitation to a kiss, but not anymore. "I want you, Merlin. And that's why it has to stop."
Merlin swallowed hard as he felt a dryness in his throat, as if he had not drunk anything for days. He was burning up under an influence of a simple touch and he wanted, he desperately desired so much more, but the meaning of Arthur's words sank in him and he could no longer pretend that he didn't understand.
He understood everything.
He understood it even too well.
He swallowed his tears and shook his head vigorously. A little too vigorously in Arthur's opinion. Merlin wasn't looking at Arthur anymore. He wasn't able to deal with a view of his golden hair, deep azure-blue eyes and his sharp profile, which was overwhelming him and waking up in him some kind of weakness. He couldn't look at those lips created for kissing because he didn't want to remind himself how they tasted and how they felt brushing his skin. However, all memories came back to him. He felt his skin burning in the parts of his body where Arthur used to kiss him, so tenderly and impatiently at the same time.
Arthur breathed a sigh of relief. He stood up, gave Merlin a pat - purely in a friendly way, there was nothing erotic about it, not anymore. No subtext, as if nothing ever happened between them.
As if they were never lovers.
And he went away, leaving him alone by the stream.