I felt the need for some emotion, I haven't written that, that much. This came from…..somewhere, probably my own slight depression. Enjoy it.
Shannon thanks again for your Beta-read.
Walking, step by step, Kate Beckett strolled through the streets of Manhattan. No destination in mind, except peace of mind. Anger, betrayal and most of all, death had been thrown in to her day-to-day life just 12 hours ago. She never showed fear, she never gave into fear, but she always felt fear. Some would call it bravery; some would call it weakness. Agreeing with neither she just accepted it and tried not to let it control her.
The case was tough, the case was disgusting but above all the case was horrifying. Nobody deserves to die, not like that, not in any way. If you die it should be naturally and on your own terms in her opinion. She'd wandered the streets of Manhattan endlessly, trying to find her own sense of humanity, but it was gone, completely gone. All the while there was one thing that kept her going, the sound of his voice and the touch of his hand.
"Go home Kate, take a bath, shower, read a book, whatever relaxes you. Clear your mind, I will help the guys wrap this up." He'd said, putting his hand on her shoulder and pulling her mind out of thoughts she never should have had. But those thoughts returned with a vengeance as soon as she got to the streets. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep trying to stop death even though I know for certain it can never be stopped? It's all so futile.The words kept going through her head. It was the only thing she heard, except for Castle's words trying to comfort her. Not completely failing at that, but not succeeding either.
Feelinga sense of futility about wandering these streets too, she made a right turn, following the street that would lead her to her apartment building. Hands in her coat's pockets, she kept staring at her feet. Watching the concrete pass without end.
Reaching her building she looked up, taking in the sight of the peaceful building that always seemed to provide comfort, but not today. Today, no sight, no lifeless touch could fill the profound sense of emptiness within her. Walking into the building still lost in thought she ignored the doorman's "Hello, Kate." And took the stairs up to the second floor.
Pushing the door open and stepping onto the floor, she saw her neighbor. Frank Siren, a 66 year-old man with a kind heart and nothing but concern for others in his thoughts.
"Good afternoon Kate." The old man greeted. Not willing to ruin this man's night with her problem she forced a smile with great difficulty and said "Hi." Almost under her breath.
Turning to her door she put the key in the lock and turned it. Opening the door, to the only place that was hers. The place was warm and comfortable, this was her sanctuary; the only place she felt undeniably safe. A couch, a TV, a bedroom, a bathroom, and a simple kitchen, that was all she wanted and needed. Taking her coat off she threw it on the couch, letting out a sigh as it came off her shoulders.
She made her way to the bathroom, removing her clothes slowly and with closed eyes. Throwing her panties to the side, she stepped into the tub. Closing the white shower curtains around her, she turned on the shower. Waiting for it to get hot from a distance, she stepped under it when it reached the right temperature.
The water falling on her back and head, running over every inch of her body as it made its way down, slowly relaxed her tensing senses. Her muscles relaxing at the same time she let out a loud sigh hoping that no one would hear it. She just needed to let it out. Grabbing the piece of soap she ran it across her arms, legs, neck, thighs, back and finally rested her arm on her stomach.
Her skin broke out in goose bumps, causing her to shiver. She felt cold, even under a warm shower that must have been more than 95 degrees. The touch of the water on her skin suddenly hurt. The warmth that was supposed to bring comfort and blissful oblivion to her mind now actually hurt as it was unleashed upon her back. Turning it off, in actual fear, she looked up at the lifeless shower head. The last water drops falling down into the tub. She felt the warmth of the water leave her and got out of the tub, grabbing a towel along the way.
Still tense, she grabbed a pair of yoga pants and some shirt she found lying on the floor of her closet, not caring what it was as long as it fit. Running the towel through her hair a couple times she grabbed the bottle of vodka stashed away under the sink of all places.
Going for the bookshelf, she grabbed the happiest Richard Castle book she knew, Storm Rising. Next she went for the thermostat, the normal 65 degrees now turned up until it reached 77. Tonight she wanted to be surrounded by warmth and comforting words.
She opened Storm Rising on page 134; she'd marked the page some time ago. Going through the words like a hungry monster she reached page 200 in less than an hour, downing a glass of vodka every dozen pages or so. Reading until the end of the chapter, on page 203, she marked that page and closed the book.
She felt slightly better, but it wasn't enough. She knew she could not get to sleep, not when feeling like this. Glancing around the room she saw the lights of the city entering through the window and the tap letting the occasional drop of water fall down, making the dripping sound she normally loved so much. But normal felt long gone right now, she was lost, lost within herself; an endless maze that nobody dared to so much as enter.
Well that's not entirely true, is it? She thought for a minute. Castle had entered it. He had not only entered it but he also seemed to find ways to reach her in states of total anger and utter confusion.
Her phone's screen lit up slightly. She reached for it, looking at the floating envelope on the screen saying she got a text message. She looked at the ID. Castle. It's no surprise he'd call her or send a text; he could be very considerate and sweet, sometimes.
How are you holding up?
Hitting the number to compose a text message in reply she started crying a little. Letting small tears fall down her cheeks, some of them falling on her phone's screen. She sent a message back.
Not…
It took him mere seconds to respond.
You want me to come over?
She smiled through the tears and sadness for a minute. Only Castle, only Castle would come over in the middle of the night to comfort her after a terrifying case.
Can you bring me my guilty pleasure?
She texted back, feeling at little better at the distraction he was providing.
He responded with a surprising question.
A bottle of vodka and chocolate ice cream? (A strange combination in my opinion.)
She blinked at least a dozen times before believing he actually knew what her guilty pleasure was.
How did you know? (Yeah, well it's what I like.)
He texted back quickly.
Lanie. She told me in case I ever needed something to cheer you up. ;)
Nodding at his response, mentally thanking but also cursing her best friend for telling him. She always kept insisting that Castle was the best thing that ever happened to her, and sometimes even she believed that too. The man could be an enormous pain in the ass but also the nicest, most considerate man she'd ever known.
I already have a bottle of vodka, so you bring the ice cream. ;)
She texted back adding the same smiley he'd attached to his text.
I'll be right there. Don't go anywhere, Kate.
She put the phone down. Still feeling a chill within the room she grabbed a blanket from her closet, covering herself with it and settling back into the couch she waited for Castle to come.
An eternity seemed to pass every minute. She gazed at the door with a look that could nearly kill the most cold-blooded killers on the planet. Uninterrupted she stared at it, her ears and other senses expecting that knock on her door every second that went by.
Knock, knock. The sound finally came from the door.
Even though she was prepared to hear it she still jumped slightly at that knock.
She got up from the couch, keeping the blanket wrapped around her. She looked through the peephole to be greeted by Castle's warm smile. She pushed the doorknob down and greeted him with a low "Hi."
"Hey." He said equally low, almost whispering. He was holding a small, cool box under his arm that caught her attention.
"Is that my ice cream?" she asked, her voice showing a great amount of sadness.
"Yes," He said lifting the lid, revealing three boxes of chocolate ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, "have you been crying?" he asked using his index to wipe away a tear.
"Maybe a little." She admitted, her eyes already filling themselves with new unshed tears.
"Come on, let's sit down." He said with a soothing voice. He stepped inside, closing the door behind him.
"I'll put the first two in the freezer." He said and moved into the kitchen to do so. She had, in the meantime, placed herself back onto the right corner of the couch, the blanket still on her shoulders.
Castle returned to the living area with the ice cream and spoon in his hands. He handed her the box. She just took it and didn't make eye contact afraid he'd start analyzing her.
She ate the ice cream, bit by bit, feeling the cold ice cream massage the back of her throat as she swallowed it. She expected him to start talking and asking her about what was bothering her so much but Castle remained quiet. He'd settled on the other side of the couch, putting his elbow on the side and using it to support his head he just looked at her. Wiping away the occasional tear that escaped her eye with his sleeve as she continued eating and nodded a 'thank you' every time.
Minutes, perhaps even hours, passed and he just looked at her, the compassion radiating from his eyes. She felt herself getting warm inside for the first time since she got home, simply because of the feeling of his eyes on her.
When she had finally finished the box she made a small sound that sounded surprisingly like a groan escaped her lips. Castle reached for the small table in front of the couch, he picked up the vodka bottle that had been standing there and filled a glass for her. He handed her the glass and she downed it with pride. All the muscles in her face tensing for a slight second when she swallowed it.
"I ought to refill the flask in my desk with this instead of tequila, it tastes a lot better." She joked, trying more to kill the silence than to be funny. He just smiled at her.
"So, you wanna talk?" He asked in a comfortable tone.
"I think so."
He just nodded at that. "What are you feeling?"
"I honestly don't know actually. I just feel this total sense of futility. As if whatever I do doesn't matter, I catch one murderer and another one kills someone again. I just feel so useless." She admitted, the tears now falling down her face without control.
He moved closer to her, pulling her into an embrace very delicately. His arm around her neck and the other around her waist, she just let him comfort her. "Hey, hey, Kate easy, it's okay." He said, while using his left hand to caress the top of her head.
"I know this case has been very, very tough, especially on you. I can't say I'm not in any way affected by it myself. When Alexis goes to sleep tomorrow I will hug her to death just because she's alive. You may not have Alexis, but you have me, Lanie, Esposito and Ryan. It's gonna be alright, Kate. I promise." He felt her breathing slow and become calmer as he talked.
He felt like he had to keep going, push her a little. So he pushed.
"Kate, do you remember why you became a cop?" He asked trying to make her believe in herself again.
"I'm not even sure anymore." She sobbed as her breath quickened again.
"You became a cop, because you wanted to make a difference. You wanted to make sure that the horrible things that happened to you didn't happen to anyone else. You give people the closure they need to live on and bring criminals to justice at the same time."
"You're right." She said with a little more courage in her voice.
"What are you, Kate?" He asked, although it sounded like an order.
"A cop?" She asked, still sounding a little weak.
"What. Are. You. Kate?" He repeated.
"A cop!" She said more confidently.
One last time ought to do it, Castle thought
"WHAT ARE YOU KATE?"
"A COP!" She shouted, bursting into laughter almost a second later, along with Castle.
"That's my partner." Castle said with an adorable laugh right behind it.
They just kept laughing and joking for another few minutes. The laughter died down and slowly, silence set in.
Kate's thoughts ran a mile a minute. The strange feeling that was now consuming her she couldn't explain. The search for a sense of humanity, a sense she thought she'd lost, was complete. Only, she hadn't found her own humanity, but this was Castle she holding on to. What happened to the unreliable Castle?
(Possibly) TBC
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