What happens in Newcastle

by rovers88

Set around the time of when Ste and Noah were about to leave to Newcastle. This story takes a different path. Imagine they did go, what would happen to Ste, Brendan and ultimately, Stendan.

You knew you looked good, in your white shirt and dark jeans. Then again, there were rarely days when you didn't. You might be making somewhat of a statement with your moustache, the true reason behind growing it was its stench of masculinity and manliness, but you always looked after his body, exercising at least three or four times a week. Although, that had stepped up a little recently with Noah on the scene. The lad with the wiggling eyebrows and annoying lisp. You hated Noah, you hated the way he held himself, the way he was free in his own skin but most of all, you hated that he had taken away the one thing that brought you any resemblance of happiness, as fleeting and as twisted as those moments may be. Ultimately, you hated that he had Steven. As you looked in the mirror, shifted your collar once more and splashed on your new aftershave, you smiled. Things were about to change.

"What are you looking so pleased with yourself about?" Cheryl asked as she threw herself onto the sofa.

"Don't know what you mean."

Cheryl assessed you and pointed her finger accusingly. "Don't give me that, you've got that look about you…like you're up to something."

"I always look like this." You commented simply, checking the time for the fourth time.

"Yeah. That's because you're always up to something." She smirked. "Go on then, where are you off to?"

"Nowhere special. Just meeting Steven and muscles for a drink."

That's when her tone changed. "You…"

"Don't worry. It's just a drink."

"Do you think that's wise?"

"It's just a drink Chez." You repeated. "Come if you like." You silently hoped that she's refuse.

Cheryl looked you up and down, her eyes filled with disapproval and then something else. "I can't. Got a speed dating thing with Lynsey tonight. Give Ste my love will you?"

You couldn't help the smile appearing on your face and that's when you feel a cushion hit you square in the chest. "Not like that! Because Ste's happy Bren. He deserves this, you know?"

You contemplated your sister. You agree with her, Steven does deserve to be happy. Just not with Noah. That's when your phone buzzed in your hand.

Shaun:

Ready to do this. Outside the club now.

You smiled to yourself. You had a feeling, tonight was going to be everlasting.

…

When you and Shaun made their way up the steps, Steven and Noah stood hand in hand by the bar. It automatically made you uncomfortable the way that they could stand there so openly, without a care in the world. The way that Steven looked up at Noah with his eyelashes fluttering, you found your stomach clenching for entirely different reasons now. You nodded at Shaun and made your way towards the bar, arm hanging loosely around him as you introduced him. You couldn't help the buzz that ran through your veins as you did.

Having Shaun with you was doing the trick. The shock factor threw muscle Mary off the scent but made Steven's eyes darken with jealousy. You always enjoyed Steven's jealous streak. From what you rememebered, it resulted in the best orgasm you'd ever experienced when he sucked you off in the cellar, 5 minutes into his shift after seeing a young lad giving you 'the eye' as Steven so eloquently put it. You returned the favour and marked your territory in an all night marathon when your teeth sunk into Steven's golden skin, sucking up until all of his blood vessels rose to the surface, leaving a purple tinge. You knew then, as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and your name fell softly on his lips, that he was different. He wasn't just someone to fuck anymore.

About an hour and a half into the night, you called Shaun over to help you at the bar. The plan was working perfectly, Steven's incessant questions about how the two of you had met playing on Noah's insecurities. Meanwhile, Shaun flirted and lavished Noah with the attention that his boyfriend was giving to you.

Steven was still cold to you, despite the evident jealousy. He rolled his eyes and tutted at you more times than you cared to remember. But that was ok because you didn't need Steven to show his love, you just needed Noah gone. For good this time.

"I've got him Brendan." Shaun stated seeking your gratitude and approval like a child would a teacher. "I'm doing good right? Just give me the word and I'll seal the deal."

You looked over with a smirk on your face which quickly dropped when you saw Steven's lips catch Noah's. His eyes shone up at him, looked at him like he used to look at you when he lay in his arms, in the rare downtime that you shared before you had to make him leave. Sometimes with a punch. Sometimes with a kiss and an earful of promises. You continued to watch as Steven chewed on his bottom lip and leaned further into Noah, the person that you despised because he could give Steven everything that you couldn't. Noah looked at him like loved him and when you took yourself out of the equation, you realised that your sister was right. Steven was happy.

So when Shaun tugged on your shirt and asked you to give him the go ahead, you closed your eyes and remembered all the times that you'd hurt him and let him down. And you remembered all the times that he came back to you, despite it all. It was the first time that you allowed yourself to look at him, knowing that you loved him. You shook your head.

"No."

"No? What do you mean, no?" The boy couldn't understand but then, nobody ever could. Not when it came to you and Steven. "You, we've set this up perfectly. Let me go in for the kill!"

"I said no Shaun." You growled. "Deals off."

"But what about-"

"You'll get your money. Tomorrow. Now go on, get out of my sight." Shaun did as he was told, despite his confusion and you didn't give him a second glance as he walked down the stairs. Instead you got a bottle of champagne from behind the bar and took it over to the table, where you felt Steven tense up, just at your presence.

"Where's Shaun?" He asked, Noah's absence to the dance floor allowing him to add a bit more bitterness to his tone.

"Family emergency. Here." You replied, handing him the bottle. "For your new home."

Steven looked up at you like you were mad and he looked at the bottle of champagne with a lip curled up.

"What's up?" You asked.

"Nothing, it's just….you doing something nice without wanting anything in return."

You huffed a smile. "I'm not a monster, Steven."

His tense glare softened until he nodded and smiled softly. "I know, Brendan. You're worth more than you think, you know?"

This time, your smile met your eyes but you quickly pushed any thoughts of you and Steven to the back of your mind, instead, quickly and nodded towards the exit. "I'm gonna get off now anyway, let you enjoy your night."

"Wait, what?" Steven stood up, brought a hand to your shoulder and it was if it burned through your skin. You turned back to face him and saw that the earlier resentment had left and all that remained was panic. "You mean you're just going to go home and that's it."

"That's it, Steven." You said simply, all the showmanship from earlier gone.

Steven's eyes darted from side to side, his mouth hung open slightly. You could see the saliva on his lip. "Right. Right yeah." He said weakly. "I just thought…"

He trailed off, leaving you following his empty words in the air. You took a step closer and bowed your head so that Steven could feel your breath on his skin. "You thought what?"

Steven licked his lips, his eyes finally reaching yours. You could feel his breath hitch and your hands began to tremble…

"What you two whispering about?" Noah asked as he threw himself back into the booth. It seemed to shake out the spark in Ste's eyes as he shook his head and sat down next to him.

"Nothing, Brendan was just going."

"You're going?" Noah seemed equally as shocked.

"Yeah." You nodded, choking out the words and coughing. "Yeah. I hope it works out for you two. Truly, I do."

With that you turned around and walked towards the stairs. Mist in your eyes, clouding your vision. But maybe you'd finally sleep tonight. Knowing that you'd finally done it. You'd set Steven free.

…

5 years later…

"You look after him, Bren. Make sure he doesn't get upto any mischief. I know what those girls in Newcastle are like!"

You rolled his eyes for what seemed like the 5th time in the space of as many minutes. "It ain't Geordie Shore, Chez. Or any of that other crap you put your eyes through." You replied, pressing down heavily on your suitcase as you zipped it up. "Besides, Nate's a diamond bloke. He loves the bones of you."

"Do I hear my ears burning?" Nate said as he came through the kitchen and wrapped his arms around his fiancé.

"Aye, but that'll be nothing what our Bren does to you if you so much as look at another woman. Isn't that right Brendan?"

Make that 6 times.

"Come on Nathanial. I can hear the rowdy stags from here."

Nate nodded and gave Cheryl one last lingering kiss. You waited then hugged your sister tightly as she whispered, "Be good" in your ear. As you were about to walk out of the door, you heard your name again, "Bren, have you said goodbye to Matt?"

Shit. You knew there was something else you were meant to do today. "No. No time now though." You said, stuffing an apple into your mouth. "I'll call him on the way."

"Make sure you do!" Cheryl called after you. "He's good for you that boy!"

You nod and flick your finger dismissively behind you. You've been on and off with Matthew for the past 10 months. More on recently though. You guess you could say you were in a relationship. That he was your boyfriend, the word sitting more comfortably on your lips these days. You hadn't become a different person in the last few years, you weren't suddenly going to hold hands and skip through the village with a rainbow flag but, yeah, you guess you felt comfortable in your own skin. You could say, you'd changed.

You called Matthew as you drove yourself and Nate to Newcastle. Despite you being his best man, the destination was his choice, not yours. As soon as you heard the word Newcastle, you felt a cold shiver run down your spine. It was like you'd walked over a grave. You guess in some ways you had. When Steven left to go to Newcastle with Noah, you were miserable. It was like having someone close to you die because you knew no matter how much you wanted to talk about them or see them or talk too them, you couldn't. Life made it impossible. You had to rely on tidbits of overheard conversations from Cheryl and on the odd occasion, Amy.

You remember being drunk in the club once, missing him like crazy. Earlier in the day, you'd found yourself driving up the motorway and spotting a sign that said NorthEast. You don't know how it happened but you just kept driving until you saw a sign for Newcastle and your heart sped up. You received a call from Cheryl about some attempted break in at the club and it was enough to bring you back to reality. When you eventually got to the club you drank yourself silly and found yourself asking Amy how Steven was doing. All she said was that he was happier than she'd ever seen him. The smile that she said it with designed to hurt. And it did, too much. So that's when you stopped asking.

It didn't make you stop thinking though, like when a young lad came looking for a job, you begged Cheryl to let him have it over the older, more experienced interviewees. You didn't mention his name but she smiled sadly at you. That pity smile that she threw you from time to time. She knew who the lad reminded you of. From thereon in you tried your best to hide any thoughts of him. You just saved them and his old Chez Chez staff file for when you were alone.

When you arrived in Newcastle, you threw your things into a room you upgraded yourself to. Said you weren't sharing with anybody, particularly not your future brother in law. After surveying the hotel with the rest of the group and having a couple to drink in the hotel bar, you decided to head into town. The plan of action was a no eating, pure drinking one. Where this night would begin and end was anyone's guess.

You stumbled across an older building, looked listed with it's dirty stone finish. Murhpy's it was called. You'd resisted it at first, hated the cliché music and décor that usually came with the Irish bars in England and the plastic Paddy's that found there selves drinking in them. It's only when you saw the words live music that you allowed yourself to be persuaded by the rest of the party.

The whole stag party rushed to the bar like a herd of elephants, the buzz of alcohol that ran through their veins affecting their vocal cords as they attempted to sing along to The Commitments tribute band that was playing. The building was dimly lit and the tables were grouped together with comfortable sofa's. The band played through the back, enough to hear them at the front of the house without it being too overpowering if you just wanted to chat but you also had the chance to go through and get the whole 'gig' experience should you wish.

You noticed that there was a specials menu at the side of the bar. Decent choice and reasonably priced. The place was busy for a Thursday evening but not uncomfortable. You decided there and then that you liked it already.

"Here Brendan, what you having then?" Mick, a half Irish cousin of Nate's called out.

"I'll have a guiness, Michael, thanks." You replied as you continued to assess the pub, tapping your foot lightly to the music.

"Coming up, well, if this lad can get a move on that is."

That's when you heard him, all attitude and thick Manchester drawl. "Oi, no need to be rude, right. There's only two of us and there's about ten of yous."

Your eyes shot to the bar and you let out a breath that you didn't even realise you'd been holding. You barged your way through the stags, placed your hands firmly down on the bar, watching the way the tip of his tongue poked out as he did the clover on the head of the drink. "Steven." You breathed, softly. As if saying his name would make it all real.

"What?" He said with the attitude of earlier before his eyes flicked up to yours and he did a double take. He dropped the Guinness that was in his hands to the loud cheers of the pub.

"Ste, you alright pet?" The small blonde girl at the side of him said which seemed to snap him out of the gaze he was holding onto you. He gulped and nodded, walked backwards slowly.

"I, er…I….I need to take my break."

"Ste, wait, you can't, I've got a pub full here and now a smashed glass!"

"Sorry." He replied, keeping his eyes firmly on yours as he disappeared through to the back. "I'm sorry."

….

He'd been 23 minutes so far. You knew because you checked your watch straight away, hoping that his breaks were as short as the ones you used to give him at Chez Chez. You were seated with the rest of the group now, half way down your first pints. You'd made sure that you'd got a seat that you could see the bar from, so that you could see the moment that Steven reappeared. What you were going to do when that moment came, you weren't so sure… Regardless, you sat and you sipped and you waited.

"So Brendan, you've not said much…" Luke, work colleague of Nate's apparently. You stare at him levelly and you watch him swallow slightly. "I'm just saying, cause, well I've met your Cheryl haven't I and she doesn't stop."

"Is it any wonder then?" You ask and go back to looking for Steven.

"He's a man of few words." Nate interjects. "Although, I hope you'll be a man of a few more on my wedding day?"

"I won't let you down, Nathanial, I can promise you that."

"I know you won't, mate. I know you won't." He says, giving you a friendly pat on the back.

"Shall we finish these off and see what else Newcastle has to offer?" Martin, another work colleague suggests.

"What's the rush?" You ask, your interest suddenly peaked. You stand up and shuffle past everyone. "My round next."

When you reach the bar you drum your fingers on the wooden top, eyes clued to the door Steven disappeared through. The young blonde girl comes over and opens a bottle by you. "Sorry, won't be a second. I'm rushed off my feet here."

"No bother." You smile and as she tills up, you ask her about Steven. "The lad that was working before…"

"Ste?"

"Yeah, Steven." You correct, force of habit you guess. "How long's he on his break for?"

You watch impatiently as she turns around to check the large roman clock behind her. "He should have been back 10 minutes ago but has had to go because of some emergency." You bow your head in disappointment. "Left me right in the lurch he has even though he reckons he's sending cover."

Your teeth scratch your bottom lip. "Yeah. Bet you want to give him a piece of your mind, eh?"

"Oh don't you worry pet, I will! He's left his phone so he'll no doubt be back for it!"

You stand up straight and can't hide the smile from your face. "Yeah. Make sure you do. I'll have 4 Guinesses, 2 Strongbow and four Fosters, when you're ready darlin'."

…

Another hour goes by and the boys are getting restless, tell you that they love the pub but times getting on and they want to move on. You reluctantly agree, sipping the dregs of your third pint as slowly as possible. You make your way through three different streets when you realise that you've left your leather jacket. You make your excuses to leave and tell them to text you the name of the next place.

You head back, all hope of seeing Steven almost gone now. You scuff your feet along the pavement and can hear the music from Murhpy's even though you're a street away. You're in a world of your own as you walk, mind remembering Steven's golden complexion and the way that it writhed underneath your white irish skin. In all your daydreaming you realise that you've almost missed your street so you turn the corner sharply. Suddenly, you feel something bump straight into your chest.

"Oi, watch it!" You say simultaneously, brushing yourself down. And that's when your eyes meet his again. They haven't lost any of their sparkle.

"Hi." You say softly and you want to scream at yourself. You've dreamt about this moment, about seeing him again and hi wasn't high on your vocabulary list.

You watch his adams apple bob up and down and you can see the conflict in his narrow eyebrows.

"Steven…" You say, almost whisper this time as you allow your finger to glide up his cheek, to the now shorter hair beside his ear. You feel him melt towards you and it's as if you've stepped back in time.

Except this time, he shakes himself out of it. "No." He says and he tries to walk past you but you grab his arm in panic.

"Steven…wait….wait!" He looks to your hand on his arm and you immediately drop it. Wanting to show him that you're not the same person that he left. That you've changed and it's only now that you realise, you did it for him.

"I've got to go Brendan."

"Please." You choke out and it's a word that seems enough because it stops him and gives you time to approach him again. "It's been 5 years Steven. You're not even going to give me a hello?"

You watch carefully as his he lets out a small breath as if he's about to talk when suddenly, you feel someone grab you from behind.

"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!"

Your eyes don't leave Steven as you watch him give Nate the once over. He chews on his inner cheek then looks away, you feel your heart drop.

"Sorry am I interrupting something?" Nate questions so you give him a small smile and shake your head.

"This is Steven." You say as you bring him back into the conversation.

"Actually it's Ste." He predictably adds.

You roll your eyes and point to Nate. "This is Nathanial. Chez's fiancé."

"Actually, it's Nate."

It brings a smile to Steven's face, for which you're grateful for.

"So, Ste…how do you know my best man then?"

Steven huffs out a laughs and points, "You mean, you're trusting him with the rings, the best man speech and everything?" Despite you being the source of his amusement, you like how when he speaks, his mouth hangs open.

"As if he was my own brother." Nate smiles, putting an arm around you and holds you for longer with each unit of alcohol that seeps into his blood. "Anyway, you didn't answer my question…"

You look at him levelly, wonder how far he'll go and he's looking at you, as if he's waiting for you to fill the gaps. "I used to work for him and Cheryl."

"You know my princess?" Nate slurs, swinging from your shoulder.

"Er, yeah." Steven laughs, his eyes twinkling in amusement once again. "We were dead close at one point actually. Only lost touch when I moved up here really. Just cause I don't see her no more dun't mean I don't still care." He smiles and flicks a look of uncertainity at you.

You wonder…you hope…

"Well any friend of Cheryl's is a friend of mine," Nate smiles and grabs Steven with his other arm so that he's sandwiched himself between the two of you. "Come on, you're joining the party."

"No, wait, I can't…" Steven protests but it's no use because he's already been dragged halfway down the street, face pressed up against Nate's armpit.

"Nonsense. Call it a wedding present!"

Steven looks at you and you raise your eyebrows and give him as much of a shrug as you can as you negate the pavement.

"Alright then. Just for a bit."

….

You're in a bar come x factor reject place. Star bar, it's called, except from what you can see, the place is full of nobodies and no ones all bobbing along to the screechy screams of whoever is on the karaoke. You couldn't hate it more if you tried. One thing is taking your mind off it though, the boy standing opposite you, teeth on show as he smiles and chats and sings along to the music. He fits in seamlessly. More than you.

The three Jagerbombs that he's had since he arrived here a little over an hour ago must've loosened him slightly as you've caught him glancing over at you more than once. You've made sure to keep your distance but with each whiskey that's passing your lips, you're finding it more and more difficult, particularly when you catch him checking out your arse as you lean over the bar to order another round.

You try to keep your jealousy in check when you spot a young blonde girl walk over to Steven and hug him. His smile back is wide and bright eyed and as he puts his arm around her and introduces her to Luke, you realise that he knows her. She buys herself a drink, a vodka and coke it looks like, and sips it through a straw, glancing up at Steven every few seconds, her eyelashes fluttering. If you didn't know any better, you'd say she fancied him.

Eventually, to the relief of your sanity, she leaves him alone and goes to whisper something in the ear of the sweating DJ. A few moments later, he announces the names of Steven and Katie( apparently) who go on to sing a song that, had it been anyone else, would make your ears bleed. As it's Steven, you find yourself fascinated as you make your way with the cheering group of stags towards the standing table towards the front. You watch as he lets himself go to the music and when he catches your eye, this time he doesn't look away. It's like he's showing his newly toned body off to you. As he chews on his bottom lip you feel your pants tighten but you keep watching him and you can almost see when the heat in your eyes becomes too much for him because he looks to the screen to sing then, even though it's clear he already knows the words.

When the song finishes you clap with the rest of the group while Steven hops off the stage and joins the table, standing opposite you. He doesn't meet your eyes this time, instead smiles at the rest of the group and finishes his bottle of beer breathless from the dancing.

"Come on then Brendan, what are you singing?" Ian, another cousin, says as he scans the song take your eyes away from Steven for a moment and raise your eyebrows but that doesn't deter him. "Come on, I've done one, Nate's done one now Ste. What do you fancy? A bit of Elvis?"

Steven chuckles and points his beer bottle in Ian's direction. "Ha! You should be so lucky." You look at Steven with a playful glint in your eye. Drawing him in, challenging him. "You've got more chance of getting off with Miley Cyrus than Brendan getting out his inner diva."

Ian laughs and nods with Steven. "Yeah. You're probably right."

Steven looks at you then, pleased as punch with himself, like he's won. You knock back the dregs of whiskey in your glass, alcohol and Steven's presence making your body buzz, then you jump up onto the stage and point to the dreaded track in the book.

You only allow yourself a side glance at the group of stags who all cheer in delight while you notice Steven's open mouthed stare curl into a small smile. He looks like he's proud of you and you feel like you've achieved something.

The intro kicks in and Steven's smile gets wider. "This one is for my sister and the moron down there who's asked her to marry him." You say, gripping the microphone with both hands. "I said…hey boy, sitting in the tree…sommat sommat…make room for me. I've got a house with windows and doors, I'll show you mine if you show me yours…."

You manage to get yourself through to the first C'est la Vie then hand the microphone back to the DJ to let the rest of the song play out with just the tuneless bar goers shouting the rest of it. You jump off stage and quickly get yourself another whiskey, giving yourself a moment to get your composure. You're pink at the ears and can't quite believe you've just done that.

As you make your way back to the group Steven's the first to speak. "Can't believe you've just done that!" He half shouts, trying to get himself heard over the music.

"Yeah, well believe it Steven."

"5 years ago you would never of…" It looks like you've finally done it. You've left the boy speechless but the twinkle in his eye seems to grow.

"Yeah there's a lot of things I do now that I wouldn't 5 years ago. Maybe I've changed." You say and you watch as he nods, tilts his head to this side and smiles.

"Yeah." He says, taking another swig of his drink. "Yeah, maybe you 'ave."

…..

You finally left the godforsaken 'Star' bar and made your way into a club, suitably worse for wear. Luckily, so is everyone else. You stay behind everyone as you walk, looking at your phone when you feel it buzz in your pocket and you notice that you've got 3 text messages from Matthew.

Matthew:

How is it? Hope you're having a good time. X

Matthew:

My bed just doesn't feel right without you in it.

Matthew:

I know you're probably busy getting drunk but I just wanna know that you're safe. Miss you xx

You feel guilt consume you and your thumb hovers over the screen. He's a good lad, is Matthew, came in to the club one day and gave you attitude when you ID'd him. You only had to whisper a few words in his ear before he was putty in your hands and face down in your bed. You liked him, you spoiled him, you let him in…

"Texting your next song in, Bren?" Steven smiled as he held back for you to catch up. Your lips twitch into a smile at the way he says your name. It's as if Matthew didn't exist. You put your phone back into your pocket and walk shoulder to shoulder with Steven.

"Yeah. Duet actually. Thought me and you could do a bit of Johnny Cash."

"Ugh. I had to listen to him enough at the end of the night at Chez Chez."

"Don't insult the man in black, Steven. Or you and me are going to fall out." You smile and this time he smiles back.

"Shame," He replies, his shoulder brushing lightly against yours to knock you off balance slightly. "Just when we were becoming friends again."

You look away from him, down to your feet that scuff along the pavement and you don't say another word to eachother until you reach the club and you offer to buy him a drink. He smiles coyly and nods, no arguments, no sarcastic remarks and you get a glimpse of what life could be like. If it were just you and him. The way it should have been. Maybe if you'd have met in a different life, you would have been. But he's with Noah now and as he goes off to the dance floor you remind yourself of that fact by replying to Matthew.

To Matthew:

Newcastle's great. Keep the bed warm for me.

B.

You don't put a kiss. You never really do.

You've somehow found yourself in a booth just to the side of the bar with Luke and Martin. They're having an in depth conversation about the independence of Scotland or something else you're equally disinterested in and it suits you just fine. People watching always was your favourite past time. It's then that you feel the leather sink beside you and you turn to see Steven shuffling in.

"Budge up then." He says, the alcohol elongating his vowels.

"Skinny runt like you Steven, thought you'd be able to fit there just fine."

He gives you a shove and you smile as you watch his tongue peak out. "I've bulked up, me. Been to the gym to tone up 'aven't I?" You can see him tense his muscles proudly.

"You've filled out a bit I'll give you that, boy." You say and you stare at his adams apple that clicks up and down. You pull yourself away when you think back to his boyfriend and you can't help the sting in your tone. "Noah need a new pet to work on did he?"

"Noah?" Steven asks, his forehead producing wrinkles. Suddenly his eyes widen and he shuffles to his left slightly, putting some distance between the two of you. "Me and Noah split up years ago. Cheated on me a year after we got up here. Found out on facebook."

"What?" You can't believe what you're hearing. You feel your fists clench by your side.

"Did me a favour really. I'm 10 times better without him."

"Why did you stay here? Why didn't you come home…I mean, back to the village."

He takes an uneasy sip of his beer. "You." He says, almost whispers. He chances a look at you and you don't know what you look like but you know how you feel. You feel crushed. He licks his lips and plays nervously with his fingers. "I just knew you'd rub it in my face and I was sick of being a failure."

"I don't think you're a failure Steven."

"I did." You can't believe what you're hearing and it must show because suddenly he's words speed up and it's like he's trying to make you feel better. Still, putting you first. "Look it wasn't all bad. I still got to see the kids, had them over holidays and came back to see them most weekends."

You almost spit out your drink. "You came back?"

He nods, weakly. "Yeah. I told Ames not to tell anyone though."

He'd been in Hollyoaks. When your heart ached for him, he'd been there.

"I had to stop doing the weekend thing though for the past year cause I got a job as a chef. Then I got sacked."

"Why?"

"Because they wouldn't give me the day off to spend with our Leah for her birthday. I told him to stick his job." You could feel the passion radiating off him. That was one of the things you loved most about him. He's loyal and passionate and won't take shit off anyone. "Guy was a prick anyway."

"And now you work in Murphy's." You add, slotting in the final piece of the jigsaw.

He nods. "Yep. I do the bar and I help out with the food on Wednesday's, Thursday's and Friday's. Chef says I got potential."

You smile proudly at him and you're about to tell him as much when the rest of the party come stumbling over, telling you that they're off for a kebab. They ask Steven to which he declines, says that he's gonna stick in some pizza when he gets in. Then they ask you and you look at Steven and shake your head. You want this to last as long as it can.

When you get outside the club, you wave the others off and stand with your hands in your pockets, rocking on your toes.

"I live down that way." Steven says with caution and thumbs behind him.

You chew on your lip and nod. "Me too. Well the hotel is." You lie. You have no fucking idea where you are, the only thing that you know is that this boy….man…standing in front of you, he's your way home.

He eyes you suspiciously then allows you to walk with him. He spends the whole 10 minutes he takes to get back to his flat chattering aimlessly about something and nothing. About his favourite bars and restaurants, about the things he misses the most about Hollyoaks, about the kids and how much they've grown and about his housemate who's having a dirty weekend away in Dublin of all places with the missus. Evenutally, you stop in front of an old building which is about 3 storey's high. He finds his keys from his pocket and drops them at your feet. You pick them up and hand them to him, swiping your thumb along his knuckles before you let go.

"Erm…I would invite you in for a beer Brendan but I've got an early start in the morning, so…"

You bow your head and nod. You understand but maybe Steven doesn't understand how much you've changed. You weren't here for that. You were here for him, because you wanted to spend as much time with him as humanly possible before he was out of your life again. Before you have to go back to yours.

"Goodnight Steven." You smile and he smiles back, takes his time closing the door as you stand there watching him.

When he eventually does you flag down a cab and head back to your hotel. You throw your roomcard onto the table and throw yourself back onto the bed, letting the bounces of it soothe your body. Except, it doesn't help. You close your eyes and all you can see and hear is him, his Manchester drawl and his cheekbones as pronounced as ever. You can still smell his aftershave on your shirt and you feel emptiness, the same one that you felt 5 years ago.

You flick through your phone and see that you've got another message from Matthew. You don't even want to read it so you press delete. You're about to set your alarm for the morning when you notice the facebook app that Matthew downloaded for himself. You click on it and remember the Chez Chez profile that Cheryl set up to 'keep in touch with the customers', apparently. You log out of Matthews account and type in the works email address and type in the words ChezChez as the passwords. You press log in and sit and hope.

Suddenly you are entered into a world that you know nothing of but what you do see is a search button at the top of the screen. You type in the name Steven Hay and scroll through a long list of nobodies. You try again with Ste Hay and Steven's picture crops up first. 17 mutual friends. You hover over it and press add then throw your phone down and begin to undress for bed.

You climb under the covers when your phone beeps. You look at the screen on the front.

Ste Hay has accepted your friend request

He must be still up. You scroll through his wall, messages of happy birthday from a few weeks ago and look at his date of birth. 26 now. Jesus. Where does the time go. You look at his 'About' section but there's next to nothing on there. Not suprising really, Steven never did like to write. Then you go onto his pictures, which are mainly of his kids, a few of Amy and some of him on holiday. His bronzed skin kissed by the sun. You smile and rub your thumb over a picture of him holding a jug of sangria, his grin all teeth and cheekbones. Then, you touch something else and a small white box appears, says Chat with Ste Hay now in italics. You chew on the side of your cheek contemplating it for a second. You've got enough alcohol in your system to give yourself the final push that you need.

Chez Chez:

You there Steven?

You sit up and wait. It's only a minute later when he replies. Feels like longer.

Ste Hay:

Yeah.

You breathe a sigh of relief.

Chez Chez:

Can't sleep?

Ste Hay:

I'll sleep like a baby tonight!

You smile. He always did sleep easily.

Jst waiting for my pizza.

Chez Chez:

What topping?

Ste Hay:

Pepporoni.

Chez Chez:

Excellent choice.

You wait for a response but don't get anything for a few minutes.

You still there?

Another 5 minutes tick by and you feel yourself getting agitated. You've come across desperate and needy and he's just left you. You're about to shut it down when you see the words Ste Hay is typing a message. You feel your lungs become lighter.

Ste Hay:

Sorry, oven was beeping. Just having my pizza now.

Chez Chez:

Want me to leave you in peace?

Ste Hay:

No. I can multi-task

Your smile widens.

It was good seeing you tonight. I'm glad I came.

With everyone, I mean.

I mean…

Chez Chez:

I know what you mean Steven.

I'm glad you came for a drink too.

They loved you.

You don't get a response and you're not sure if it's because of the last sentence.

How's the pizza?

Ste Hay:

Orgasmic. ;-)

You laugh from your belly.

Chez Chez:

Where did you get it from?

Ste Hay:

Asda. Why?

Chez Chez:

The Asda orgasm. I must try it sometime.

Ste Hay:

:-D You're an idiot, you!

Listen Brendan, I've got to go to bed now. I'm up early, remember?

Chez Chez:

Sure.

Your fingers hover over the keyboard about what to write next. Whether to bite the bullet or not.

Can I see you tomorrow?

You can feel your heart leaping out of your chest as you wait for a reply.

Ste Hay:

I'm working from 12-6.

Chez Chez:

I can come after.

Or before.

Or during.

Ste Hay:

What you on you! After work is fine.

Your heart speeds up a notch.

Chez Chez:

Ok, see you tomorrow Steven.

Goodnight.

Ste Hay:

Night Bren x

You don't even hesistate.

Chez Chez:

X

….

You wake up with a skip in your step. You go for a jog in the morning to work off all the tension that's found it's way into your body. When you get back it's 9am so you jump in the shower, put on your clothes for the day, some drawstring tracksuit bottoms and a black t-shirt that clings to your body, and meet the others for breakfast.

You sit down with Nathanial and Martin who are already tucking in to their complimentary all you can eat English breakfast.

"This is good." Martin states, the self appointed father of the groups mouth spilling from the side.

You nod and agree, "What've I told you Martin, it's a different world out there when you've had a bit of sausage in ye."

He almost spits out his food. He eyes you up then, must see that twinkle that's still in your eye.

"Don't worry," You say. "You're not my type."

"I don't know whether to be relieved or offended." He smiles, tensing his muscles. "I think I've got a bit going for me."

"You're too muscly for him Mart." Nate interjects. "Brendan prefers slighter frame, dirty blonde hair, young youthful looks. Am I right?" He asks and you shift uncomfortably in your seat. Maybe Nathanial is more switched on than you ever gave him credit for. "You spoke to him yet?" He asks and you hold your breath. "Matt? I know we're not supposed to contact the other halves but I gave Cheryl a sneaky call yesterday."

Ah. Matthew. It makes more sense now so you just shake your head and that's the end of that conversation.

Martin strikes it up conversation a few minutes later. "So where did you get to last night then? Did you go back to Ste's for another beer?"

"No, he's got work today. Already skived off yesterday didn't he."

"That's a shame." Nathanial interjects. "Thought he could join us again today. He's alright is Ste."

"Steven's a good lad." You smile, can't quite believe that you're sat here and talking about Steven like it's the most normal thing in the world. After 5 years without, you don't think you'll ever tire of saying his name. You scoop up another forkful of food. "He finishes work at 6...or something like that." You causally drop in the conversation. "I was gonna pop by at lunch. Didn't pick up my coat in the end did I?"

"Yeah, I dragged you both away didn't I?" Nate remembers. Suprising that he remembered anything really. "Well you should ask him if he wants to meet us later. We're going to go back to that pub we were first in."

"The Pig and Whistle?"

"That's the one."

You nod and try to hide the smile from your face. "Yeah. Yeah alright, I'll ask him."

…

You could have gone earlier to pick up your coat (you remember noticing that the food serving hours were from 9-6) but you wanted to see Steven and gauge his reaction to you without the alcohol thrumming through his veins.

You arrive just after 12, knowing that you're on a tight schedule to get to Steven then to the go-karting track where you'd be spending most of the afternoon. When you walk in, Steven spots you almost immediately and smiles at you, washing your nerves away. It's as if he's been waiting for you. He nods towards a small table by the side of the bar which you go and sit down. Shortly after, he sits opposite you. A coffee for you and one for him.

"I remembered Luke saying summat about go-karting today?" He says pointing at the coffee. "Thought I'd better not bring you a pint. Can't be condoning drink driving now can I?"

You smile and nod. "Well that is very thoughtful of you Steven, thankyou." You take a sip and as you let the warm liquid glide down your throat. You let your eyes linger closed.

"Everything alright? Did I forget something? I put three sugars in."

"It's perfect, Steven. Thanks."

He smiles then and so do you and you both stay like that for a moment, glowing in each other's presence.

"You not got work to do?"

He ruffles up his nose and looks at the three people who sit by the bar. Regulars by the looks of it. "Not exactly booming yet are we. It's the graveyard shift. They'll give me a shout if they need me."

You nod, satisfied. You really didn't care if the men at the bar died of thirst if meant having Steven with you for a bit longer. "How's the head this morning?"

"Not too bad considering the amount we drank." He snorts a laugh, then releases that ridiculous donkey laugh that you didn't even realise that you'd missed. "Oh my God. You sang B-Witched! Go on, give us another rendition, Bren."

You shake your head and give him a playful shove, tell him to shut up. You look at the time and realise that you need to go. Reluctantly you finish your coffee and take a black t-shirt out of the bag you were carrying.

"Here." You say, bunching it up into a ball and throwing it into Steven's chest.

He looks confused as he unravels it. "I don't…"

"The lads want you to come out with us again tonight if you're free. Pig and Whistle at 8."

"Right…but what's this for?"

Your throat is becoming dry as you watch him read the writing on the t-shirt. "Ian got us all these stupid stag t-shirts. We're supposed to wear them tonight."

"Yeah, well this one has your name on."

"I ain't being seen dead in it Steven, come on." You shrug at him as if it's obvious and his smile is quirked to the side as he looks you up and down. "I thought….well, just….you could wear it, if you want. Make you feel more part of it all."

You neglect to mention the fact that the idea of Steven wearing something that's yours, something that belongs to you makes your hairs stand on end.

You feel his eyes on you as you stand up, suddenly becoming nervous so you begin tugging on the t-shirt in his hands. "Look you don't have to if you don't want to."

"No, I will. If that's alright." He says and pulls it back. "8 O'clock yeah?"

You smile and nod with as much indifference as you can manage. "8 O'clock."

You turn to go and as you reach the go-karting arena you realise, you still haven't got your damn coat.

…

It's about 9 by the time Steven turns up, not that you've been clock watching… You're not sure who's happier to see him, you or the boys, because as soon as he comes in wearing your t-shirt, they grab him and drag him towards the bar before you even have the chance to say hi. The beat of the music is thrumming through your veins, it's buzzing and you can feel the whole place shake. You've spent most of the evening speaking to Martin. You realise after as much as a conversation about cars as you can muster, that you've got a lot in common. He's a good guy.

Just as you're about to launch into a tirade about why Hatchbacks are better than the Mercedes C class you feel a hand on your shoulder and you turn around and Steven's there, giving you a bottle of beer. Suddenly Martin becomes irrelevant as you watch Steven's lips wrap around his own drink. You have to remind your brain to keep your tongue in.

"Well look at you." You say, giving him a heated stare as you eye him up and down, your eyes resting on your name that sits just about his heart. "Well, give us a twirl then."

"Shut up." He says but then does it anyway, give you a glimpse of his perfect arse.

For the next hour or so, you mingle with the rest of the group, with Nathanial dragging Steven off onto the dance floor every now and then because he's the only other person who seems to actually enjoy dancing. You watch the boys sink back the shots and you have a couple of tequilas but stay clear of the sambucca. You remember what happened the last time you had that and it wasn't pretty.

Steven comes dancing over to the bar with Nathanial, bobbing and nodding his head to the music.

"Argh I love this song!" You hear him cry which makes Nate laugh.

"So do I but I'm not as young as I used to be, mate!" He shouts back. "Come on, let's get a beer."

You watch Steven's bottom lip jut out and he settles for a shot instead. His eyes go to yours then and he comes over with a mischevious look on his face. "Coming to dance?" He asks and you almost laugh in his face. "Come on, I know you can. Remember when me, you and Noah went out that time?"

You let your moustache brush against your bottom lip and shake your head as you remember that night. Not one part of it was genuine from the smiles to the checking out guys to the dancing.

Steven starts laughing then and gives you a smile that gives you shivers. "I'm only messing Brendan, keep your hair on. Right," He claps his hands together and looks back to the dance floor, "I'm back off to do my thing."

You watch as he disappears through a sea of sweating bodies, his arms in the air making the t-shirt ride up his back and you follow the curve of him spine as far up as the t-shirt goes. After a few minutes, Steven disappears out of sight completely and you spot Martin standing with Luke on the edge of the dance floor. You make your way over there and pretend to be interested in whatever they're saying all the while looking for Steven.

Then, as a group of giggling girls depart you see him, with his arms wrapped around a tall man with dark hair. He's giggling and fluttering his eyelashes and you can see that the man in question can't believe his luck. Neither can you. Before you even think about what you're doing, you're next to the nameless man, your drink poured all the way down the front of his white shirt.

"What the fuck!"

"Oh sorry mate. Didn't see you there." You smile, all teeth and no kindness.

"Yeah you did!" He argues back, his neck arched and his chest puffed out.

You take a step forward, eyes bulging, ready for the fight, relishing in it and the adrenaline that's rushing through your veins. You feel Steven's hand on your shoulder and as you look at him, his eyes pleading with you not to do this, you feel a fist connect with your cheek. Not even Steven can stop you now as you scramble to your feet and launch yourself towards him, your first meeting his ribs once, twice and again before he falls to the ground.

Next thing you know you're being man handled by the two burly doorman and pushed out of the club door. You fists are still clenched and you can feel the heat of the battle radiating from you. You're ready to go again should the man appear but instead Steven walks out and shoves you square in the chest.

"What the hell are you doing Brendan!" He screams and you can feel your chest rise and fall with each breath that you take.

"I didn't…I don't…"

"Don't even try to make excuses!" He says with his jaw set and eyes angry. You gulp nervously and scratch the back of your head, your heart beat still racing. "I want answers now."

You rub your neck and huff out a nervous laugh. "He, er…you didn't know him Steven."

"So?"

"So he could have been anyone!" You yell and you're not sure if it's at him or yourself. "He could have put something in your drink or…"

"He fancied me Brendan!" He yells back and you're face to face now, toe to toe. "I fancied him!"

You laugh mirthlessly. "Oh so that's how you get your kicks is it now? Giving randoms the come on? Tell me Steven, what were you going to do, take him down the alley?"

You can see his jaw set itself again and his teeth snarl at you as if the words he wants won't come out. "You're a prick Brendan." He gives you another shove and walks towards the road.

"He wasn't good enough for you Steven." You call after him and it's enough to make him stop and glare back at you from over his shoulder. You walk over to him slowly, approaching him with the caution of a wounded animal. "Look… " You begin, putting a hand on his shoulder which is quickly shrugged off. "Maybe, I shouldn't have interfered….bu-"

"Yeah. Too right you shouldn't." He spits back at you.

You gulp and nod. "Sorry. I'm…I'm sorry."

He looks at you then and you see his anger change to concern. He points to your rapidly swelling cheek. "Come on, we better get some ice on it."

"I'll be fine."

He's already flagging down a cab and jumping in, leaving the door open for you. "It wasn't a request, Brendan."

You sigh and get in the taxi, Steven pushing himself as far away from you as he can possibly get. He only speak to argue about who's going to pay the fair. Steven wins in the end and when you look at him, you know not to argue. You walk into his flat for the first time and give it the quick once over with your good eye. He instructs you to sit as he brings a bag of peas to your cheek bone. You hiss and pull your head back slightly.

"Don't be a baby." He says and he throws you the remote control. "Here, stick the TV on and concentrate on that."

"Slight problem with that Steven." You say as you point to the peas and the way that he has your face pushed towards the stains on the ceiling. "Can't see."

"Oh yeah." He says with something that resembles a small chuckle. "Well, here you are. Do it yourself then." Your hand passes over his as you take the reins.

"Where you going?"

"For a bath. Me legs are killing from all the dancing."

…..

He comes back out some half hour later, smelling of freshness and lynx as the steam from the room hits your face. He comes and sits back beside you, assessing your face for the damage.

"Well, I think you'll live."

He says and then remarks about something on the TV that you're no longer watching, instead concentrating on how bright his eyes now look and how the steam has opened his pores. You feel almost dirty sat next to him.

He starts to play with his fingernails, a habit he always used to rely on whenever he felt unsure about something. "So…why did you really punch that guy?" He asks, tentatively.

You follow the contours on his face all the way to his small, pixie nose and you are sure that he's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life.

"Bren…please…" He breathes. "Just…be honest."

As his eyes plead up to you, you seek a startling moment of clarity. You open your mouth to speak but find that the words don't come. You cough to clear your throat and then look away. "I was jealous." You can barely believe the words came out of your mouth.

He turns sharply to you then, like he can't quite believe it either. "What?"

"Steven, you heard what I said."

"I know. I need to hear it again."

Something clicks with you then and you realise you don't need to be embarrassed by it anymore. Because he likes it. He likes that you care. You rub a thumb along the side of his jaw and you watch his lips fall open. You lick your lips and he responds, doing the same. You bring your other hand to the side of his face, cupping it as you watch his pupils dilate.

"It drives me crazy, the thought of any other man touching you…" You say, groin pulsating as he pushes the tip of your thumb into the side of his mouth, "…kissing you…" You hear him gulp while you swipe your tongue across his earlobe, "fucking you…" You whisper and it's enough, because he's groaning into your mouth and pushing you backwards.

Your tongues fight for dominance as your back hits the arm rest. His legs have spread themselves so that he's straddled over your crotch as he fumbles with the buttons on your shirt. You sit up slightly, pulling his t-shirt over his head until you finally get your hands on that golden sun kissed skin. Just like in the picture on facebook. Except in the picture, you can't feel the small blonde hairs that fall over his stomach and the dark trail that goes from his belly button to the top of his underpants.

You see him smile as you run your hands over eachothers bodies, Steven clearly getting himself to grips with your new muscles. You flip him over now so that you're on top of him, back in control as you kiss him and suck his bottom lip. You pull down his shorts and his cock springs free.

You look down at it with your eyes sparkling and you give it a kiss and then lick it once down the shaft. You hear him croon your name and you look back up to him through your dark, hooded eyes.

"You got any lube?" You ask and he nods towards the bedroom. You climb off him with your shirt hanging open and let his naked body lead the way. When you close the door, you free yourself of your clothes and it's almost as much as a release than when he wraps his hand around you and strokes you. You cry and groan as he pumps you and you bite into his shoulder.

"That's so fucking good." You manage to squeeze out before you push him backwards and reach over him for the lube which is on the side. You push to the back of your mind reasons why it might already be out.

You put some on your fingers and you watch his eyes close tight as you push into him, loosening him up. He moans and writhes and reaches down to his cock but you bat his hand away. He looks up, scorned and you smile and watch him as you taste your fingers. You reach into your jeans for your wallet and the condom you always keep in there. You toss it in his direction and sit back on your heels.

"Put it on me Steven."

You watch as his tongue peaks out in concentration as you rolls it down your full length then gives your balls a rub. You work your way up his body, his cock rubbing across your belly as you lick and pinch his nipples.

"Oh God…" He moans and you feel him harden even more. He wraps his arms around your neck and brings you to his lips, kissing you furiously. You rub some more lube on his hole and slot your fingers in again. You kiss his neck and lick his adams apple as he calls your name. "Fuck me, Brendan. Please…please…"

The sound of his begging is music to your ears and you want to keep this going forever but the hardness off your cock tells you that you can't. You line up and ease the tip into him. He huffs a sound of discomfort so you kiss him through it as you delve further in. Suddenly he's clawing at your back and your arse and moaning harder into you ear. You oblige, thrusting into him and twisting his nipples at the same time. You feel like your about to explode so you wrap a hand around his cock and pump him fast and hard. The sound he makes when he comes is loud and glorious and you lick it up as it runs down your hand and arm. He tastes sweet and salty. You give three long thrusts, keeping him at that high just that little bit longer before you release yourself inside the condom.

You pant heavily and fall on top of him, kissing the beads of sweat on his forhead. Then you pull out of him and roll beside him, wiping what come you didn't lick up onto his belly.

"Ew, I've just had a bath." He comments as he looks at you and laughs. You return his smiles and kiss him again.

You don't think you'll ever tire of this.

…

You look at the time by the side of his head. It's 6am. After you cleaned yourselves up, Steven quickly fell asleep in your arms. You were shattered too but found yourself keeping your eyes awake as long as possible, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath. You fought and fought until eventually sleep overcame you. You're awake again now though, felt your groin stir as Steven pushed against you in his sleep. You trace your finger lightly up his arm and kiss him softly on his lips. You're not sure if you intended to wake him or not, or if you just wanted to enjoy every second of him. He stirs anyway and stretches out like a cat, his eyes flicker open.

You smile down at him as he registers your face and his eyes widen when he checks the time. "You're still here." He says and it stings you, that he thinks that you wouldn't be. But you remember every other time you've done this and all of the times you had to leave without so much as a kiss afterwards.

"Not going anywhere Steven."

He smiles and plays with the dark curls on your chest. "Am I dreaming?"

You run a finger through his hair and then down along his cheek and as you climb on top of him again, you're pretty sure that you must be.

…

This time it's you that wakes up to an empty bed and you look at the time, it's 10am now. The last sex session you've had with Steven must've worn you out. You get out of the bed, all of your joints cracking to place and put on your clothes. You walk into the flat and can hear the sound of bacon sizzling from the kitchen so you follow it and it's where you find Steven, arse shaking in a blue adidas tracksuit as he danced to the radio.

You sneak up behind him and wrap your hands around his waist, kissing and suckling on his neck. He seems shocked at first but then gives into it as he melts his body into you. As his arse pushes backwards you feel like you're ready to go…all…over…again…

You reach over his shoulder and snatch one of the pieces of toast that's resting on a plate beside him, the butter recently melted.

"Oi, that was for the breakfast that!" He says, waving his spatula at you like some old fishwife.

"What can I say Steven, I've worked up an appetite."

He tuts at you and rolls his eyes, turning the bacon once more. "'Ere, you've got…crumbs in your moustache."

You let him brush them out with his index finger and before he can pull away you drag him towards you for another kiss, let him lean back in your arms to look at you.

"So," He says, fiddling with your shirt collar, "What's the plan for Stag tours today?"

You'd almost forgotten about the others and you drop your arms when it hits you that you need to leave him.

"Paintballing. Apparently."

He nods and smiles. "Well that's good isn't it? Thought you'd like all that macho man stuff?"

You run your eyes over him and realise that he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get what he is to you. You sniff back your thoughts and smile. "Yeah. I better be off, already had a missed call from Nathanial."

He comes to you and paws at your collar. He licks his lips slowly and it shoots straight to your groin. "What, right now? Won't you be needing a shower first? And then there's your breakfast…"

The way his eyelashes flicker up at you and his hard on presses into you give's you no other option. You smile and capture his lips with yours, pushing his tracksuit bottoms down as he steps out of them.

"Well, not right now." You say into a kiss.

….

You managed to get back to get back to the hotel bar without too much suspicion. As far as everyone was aware, you'd just fallen asleep on Steven's couch. They were more interested in the shiner you were sporting.

Everyone's asking about him again. Saying how much fun he is and how they should all call around while he's working the graveyard shift after paintballing. Give him some company. You do your best to nod nonchalanty but inside, you're squealing with delight. It means you don't have to lie to anyone about why you had to give the paintballing a miss. Like you were planning to do.

Even so, the days dragging and you figured you couldn't be the one to push going to Murhpy's to meet Steven in case someone suspects something. You're pretty sure Martin already does because when he asks you what 'Your boy' is up to today and you shrug your shoulders and say you haven't really spoken to Matthew much he says, 'Not that one.' You probably couldn't look more guilty if you tried.

It's Martin that suggests going to Murphy's, you suspect to put you out of your misery as everyone has told you how miserable you've been so far today and hopes that you'll cheer up soon. You're pretty sure you will, once you see Steven again. You miss him already.

When you reach Murphy's you immediately scan the bar for any signs him but there's a new lad behind the bar and the one from the other night you recognise immediately.

"Come on Brendan, thought you said you were getting them in!" Ian shouts as the rest of the group sit down. You glare in his direction, you're mood worsening at the thought that Steven's avoiding you. And then you feel a hand on your back.

"I'm sure he's about somewhere son." Martin smiles, confirming your earlier thoughts.

You nod and go to the bar, order your drinks and make sure you get the girl from the other night. " Steven working here today." It's more of a statement of hope, than a question but the girl just looks at you. You try again. "Steven? Hay?"

"Oh Ste." She smiles as she continues to pour the drinks. "Yeah he is." You look around and shake your head. You don't understand.

"He's filling in for the chef today."

You sigh with relief and give her two twenties. Tell her to keep the change.

…

It's been 40 minutes and you still haven't seen him yet. There's a few people having food and it looks like a couple more on order but, nothing that should keep him detained for too long you hope. If the boys ask you to leave soon, you're going to make your excuses to stay. You don't know what you'll do but all you know is that you don't want to spend another second apart from him. Not now.

You head to the toilets which are past the bar and kitchen. As soon as you do you feel yourself being dragged backwards and locked in. You look around and see the handle notice you're in the disabled then you look at the person in front of you and crash your lips against his while he claws at your t-shirt and trousers.

"I don't have long." He says between kisses, pulling at your jeans. "Come on, get these off."

You grab his hair and lick a stripe up his neck and suck, and suck until you see a small red bruise appear.

He hits your chest and rubs his neck. "Ow, what was that for!"

You look at him and to the newly forming mark and shake your head. "I just…I…" You wanted to make him yours.

Luckily, you don't need to get to that bit because he's smiling like he knows and he's kissing you again and dropping to his knees, taking you into his hot mouth. He sucks, and slurps and licks the tip of you until your eyes are rolling into the back of your head and you're holding onto the wall for balance. You release a white stream of semen into his mouth and can't take your eyes off him as he stands up and swallows.

He laughs then and you laugh too, stepping in to kiss him and you get a little taste of yourself. He reluctantly pulls himself away.

"Sorry Bren, I really got to get back."

You nod and your smile fades. "When can I see you again?"

"I said I'd come out again with everyone tonight." You look down then and you don't mean to but he catches your disappointment. "That's alright with you isn't it?" He says like he's stepping on your toes. But he just doesn't get it.

"Yeah course, I just…I wanted it to just be the two of us, y'know? Away from everyone else."

He steps forward then with a quirked smile and goes to kiss you. "I thought you'd have had enough…" He smirks and you know what he's alluding to.

You kiss him and gently push him backwards. "No, not like that. I mean…I want to take you out, Steven. For a bite to eat or…whatever you want."

He raises an eyebrow. "You mean, like a date?"

"If you want to call it that, then. Yeah. Yeah."

He answers you with a kiss.

…

You make your excuses to Nate, tell him that you're heads banging and that you can't handle another night on the booze. He tells you that Steven has text him saying the same and that maybe you both had a dodgey kebab. You huff a laugh and catch Martin's eyes. You feel like he knows you.

You wave all the boys off in the bar then change your orange juice to a pint and text Steven to come and meet you. He's with you within half an hour, looking smart and gorgeous and…nervous.

You slide him a beer and let his fingers touch yours as he takes it off you.

"Ta." He says then takes a drink which gets rid of half of the liquid inside.

You quirk an eyebrow at him. "You Ok Steven?"

He can feel his knee bounce up and down as he nods. "Yeah. I'm just…I feel like, I don't know. I just never thought we'd get here." His eyes look at you and you can see he's remembering a time in a another life. "I mean we've tried this once before haven't we."

You nod and place a hand on his knee. "I ain't gonna let you down this time Steven." You don't ever want to let him down again.

He manages a smile then and leans further towards you. "You promise?"

"I promise."

When you finish your drinks you go to a restaurant not far from the hotel. The bloke at the bar recommended it on the first day that you got here, said the food was gorgeous but it probably wasn't ideal for a stag party.

When you sit down to eat you realise he was right, this place it's upmarket. Got chandeliers and men in bow ties. You order a bottle of wine for the table and wait for Steven to get back from the toilets to join you.

You feel him brush past you and sit down with a frown on his face. "Everything OK?"

He nods, his forehead still furrowed in confusion. "I just don't get why they call it a restroom, that's all."

"What?"

"Over there." He nods in the direction of that he's just come from. "I asked one of those penguins to show me where the loo was and he was like 'the restroom is over there sir.'"

You laugh at the way he rolls his r and turns up his nose.

"It's not funny Brendan. He was well looking down on me. He looked me up and down like I was shit on his newly polished shoe!"

"Maybe he just fancied you Steven." You shrug with a smile and you see the twinkle in his eye appear.

"Yeah…" He smiles, looking directly at you. "He did say he'd be happy to show me there personally…" He bites on his lip and his eyes tease you follow his gaze back towards the man in question. "Maybe I should go back and see if he's single."

"Steven." Your voice is laced with warning and you know that you started this game but now you can't handle it.

"What?" He says with amusement. "I'm single, he might be single. What's there to stop us eh?"

"Me." You say grabbing his wrist and pulling him up, kissing him in full view of everyone. He looks at you like you've just made his life. "Come on we're going."

"But what about our food?"

You throw on your coat and shake your head. "Never trust somewhere that wants you to use more than one fork."

He smiles at you then and he knows that he's won but you don't care. He throws on his jacket and follows you outside. When you get outside, he pulls up his colour and you see the almost full bottle of wine in his hands. "What? We paid for it didn't we?"

You shake your head at him. "No. Not yet."

"Oh." He shrugs. "Then we better get out of here before they catch us."

He laughs that donkey laugh of his and you shake your head at him and laugh with him.

….

You ended up having fish and chips on a park bench, sharing the bottle of expensive wine from the restaurant a swig at a time. It's going straight to Steven's head and he's giggling like a mad man as he pinches another of your chips.

"Steven, you've not even finished your own yet." You scold and he laughs at you again and gives you a handful of his. He leans on your shoulder, which you stiffen on instinct until you feel him hum against you and you open your arm to him, kiss the top of his head.

"This is the best date I've ever had." He says so you lean your chin on his head. You sigh when you feel him move away from you. "Can I show you something?"

You raise your eyebrows and he laughs, reading your thoughts. "No, I'll show you that later… I wanna take you somewhere. Somewhere that's special."

When the confident façade drops, all you can see is him. The way his eyes shine up at you shows you that this matters. You nod your head slowly. "Yeah. But not til I finish these chips."

He sits back with a satisfied smile on his face and let's you finish your food in peace.

…..

You have no idea where you are. All you know is that you've spent the past half an hour walking. Up hill.

"Jesus Steven, have you never heard of a taxi?" You say breathlessly. You're fit and look after your body but after the alcohol and food consumption, you're body seems to be forgetting that fact right now.

"Shut up we're nearly there now." He replies from in front of you and it looks like he's right as he suddenly walks over to an old oak tree, solitary and alone on top of a hill. He throws himself down on the grass and takes out two of the cans from the 8 pack that he insisted on stopping for.

You look at him with a raised eyebrow. "You expect me to sit on the grass in this suit?" You say, arms out as you turn around, showing the grey suit off in all it's glory.

"Don't be such a girl!"

"It's about having standards Steven. This, is Armani, yours is Pri-marni."

His jaw drops open. "Primark? You cheeky git. This is me best gear this. I got it from Urban Outfitters."

You laugh at his pout and eventually sit next to him.

"Here." He says as he hands you a beer. "Hope you choke on it."

You're about to ask what he brought you all the way up here for but as you follow his eyes you look out and see the view. You're overlooking the whole of Newcastle, it's bright lights flickering almost as brightly as the stars. It's beautiful.

"I used to come up here when I first moved here. I'd had an argument with Noah and I just wanted to get out. I walked and walked and walked and…I just ended up here." His arms are wrapped around his bent legs. "The lights of the city were a comfort. They made me feel less alone."

You can't help the tightness in your stomach as you look at him. "You shouldn't have gone with him Steven. You shoudna…." You bite you lip and almost whisper the next part. "I wish I'd have given you a reason to stay."

He rolls his head along his arm so that he's facing you. "I wish you had too." He smiles and it's sad and it's full of what if's and what might have been's.

"I wasn't who you needed then. I wasn't…I wasn't someone I liked." You don't think you'll ever feel good enough for him but you're in the right place to try now.

He tucks his chin into his shoulder like he understands. "I love it up here now though. I love the business of it all, the people. It's a brilliant place to live and I wouldn't change it for the world."

You hum into the air in front of you. You both finish your drinks in silence.

….

You're on your third can now and Steven's starting to feel the effects, doing front rolls down the hill.

"Come on," He says, "Don't tell me you never did this as a kid."

You laugh at him and throw your empty can in his direction. "Nope. I had one love in childhood, my bike."

"What, as in bicycle?"

"No as in Harley." You say deadpan as he throws himself down next to you again. "Course I mean bicycle y'eejit." He props himself up on his elbows and you can't help but trail your eyes along the stretch of torso his shirt reveals as it rides up. "I was 14. Saved up enough money from my glass collecting shifts in the pub to buy a 2nd hand bike of my mate. Well, to him it was second hand but to me, it was as good as new."

You lubricate your throat as you think back to the way the wind fingered through your hair as you raced up and down the streets of Dublin. But then your memories blackened.

"It was red. With a bright blue trim. Seamus…" The name is enough to send shivers down your spine.

"You dad?"

You hum a reply. Can't bring yourself to confirm or deny it. "He er…he was drunk and said I was late for dinner. Said I was too busy out being a pansy on my pink bike. I remember my heart racing and I wanted to kill him but I knew that I wasn't strong enough for him. Not yet. Anyway, I took my food up to my bedroom and started to pack a bag. Had it in my head that I was going to run away but when I looked outside into the yard, he'd taken a saw to my bike. The tyres were bent, the paint was scratched, the handle bars were off….I hope that bastard is rotting in hell right now."

You can feel yourself being dragged their with him, back to hell but then Steven's beside you and it's as close as you'll ever get to heaven.

"Yeah well I'm glad he's dead." He says and you look at him in shock. "Look Brendan, I know it might not be my place right but-"

"I'm glad he's dead too." You say and a smile forms on your lips. This boy really doesn't know how much he's saved you.

You lean down to him as he pushes up and your lips capture his. His lips part allowing you to enter and you push him back to the floor so that you're half on top of him. Your tongue swipes his teeth and then your teeth graze his bottom lip.

His lips are plump and red and his eyes sparkle in the moonlight. You want to tell him now how much he means to you, how much you love him but the words get caught in your throat.

You roll off him and sit back up, Steven is grinning from ear to ear and then he stands up with a big goofy grin on his face. He stumbles as he pulls his phone out of his pocket then he turns to face you, a light shining from his phone into your eyes.

You squint and smile and put a hand up in front of your face and ask him what the hell he's doing.

"Taking a picture of you." He says, sticking his tongue out and holding the camera as steady as the alcohol will let him.

You look at him like he's lost the plot and he must already be taking one because you hear his phone click six or seven times and he's commanding that you stay still.

"Why do you need a picture when you've got the real thing?" You laugh but suddenly he's not smiling. He looks away and puts the phone back in his pocket which prompts you to stand and walk over to him. "Steven?" You ask, tilting his chin up with your finger.

He chances a look up at you. "You're going back tomorrow aren't you?"

You nod slowly all the while lost in his eyes. The eyes that tempt you and tease you and hate you and, you hope, love you. "I have to Steven. I've got work and…things to sort, y'know?"

He nods and folds his arms, kicking the soil beneath him. "It's alright, I know." He paints on a smile. "I just, want you to know…I won't ever forget this weekend Brendan. Never."

You smile and look at this man in front of you and you couldn't love him anymore if you tried. You kiss him and he opens his mouth willingly, letting you slide your tongue in to dance with his. As you pull away you push your forehead onto his, stay there for a moment, holding him.

"It doesn't have to end Steven." You whisper and you can feel your heart bursting to get out. You know you love him and you think he feels the same but all you can remember is that he left you. He chose Noah over you. "Not if you don't want it to."

He pulls back and you feel your stomach drop at the loss but when you look into his bright shining eyes, it gives you hope. "You mean…"

"I mean I love you. And I can't live my life without you." You shrug, barely able to believe that you're putting youself on the line for him but something in eyes spurs you on. "I love you, Steven."

You watch a diamond tear fall from his eye and then look on as his tears turn into a smile. "I love you too."

"Come here," You smile and you gather him in your arms and you take him home and make love to him. For the first time ever, you make love.

….

"Bren?"

"Hmm?" You ask fighting the heaviness of your eyelids.

"What's this for?" He asks and you feel the silver chain around your neck lighten. You open your eyes and see that the crucifix is carefully placed between his thumb and forefinger.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, obviously I know it's to do with God and stuff but…I don't know…ignore me. I'm being stupid."

"You're not stupid." You say, quick as a flash and he gives you a smile that melts your heart. "It was my mothers. The crucifix." You remember the day she gave it to you. The day that she left you with that man. The man who was supposed to love and protect you. The man who did nothing but squeeze all the love you ever had out of you and replace it with anger and hatred and fear.

You've got it back now though, the love. And you couldn't have done it without this boy next to you. You run a finger down his arm as he rests his head on your chest. "She gave it to me and said that she'd always love me and that…as long as I had this…she was with me. She was protecting me."

"Must mean a lot."

"It does." You reply, looping it above your neck and off for the first time in 25 years. You've never felt this bare. You dangle it in front of Steven's face and run it along his chest, hardening his nipples.

"Head up." You whisper into his ear and Steven looks at you with darkened eyes but does as he's told. You place the chain over his head and press it into his heart. "It's yours now."

"No…Brendan…I can't."

"Yeah you can. Please." It's as close as you'll get to giving him a ring. You kiss him softly on the lips. "I love you." You say again because now you've said it, you're not sure how you ever didn't.

…

You wake the next morning and make love to Steven again. You let him take control this time, you've never have before but with him, you finally feel safe. It was the best sex of your life as he writhed on top of you and screamed your name as he came.

You showered and changed and sat down together to eat breakfast at a small table. You didn't say much to eachother, the smile on both your faces proving that you didn't have to. Suddenly his smile faded and you noticed him pushing the food around on his plate.

"You finished with that?" You ask, your plate already mopped up with extra bread.

He nods and pushes it in your direction. You can tell he's got something on his mind and your sure he'll let you know it when he's ready. "You know what you said last night…about…us being together…"

"Yeah."

"You weren't just saying all that stuff so that I'd sleep with you again were you?"

You drop your fork to your plate. He looks at you like he's worried and scared and embarrassed for asking.

"Listen Steven, I know things haven't exactly been perfect between us and that's, well that's my fault…" He nods his head gently. "But I meant every word, Ok?" You reach over to him and lift up his chin so that his eyes meet yours. "OK?"

He smiles and nods and starts to clear away the plates.

When he comes back from the kitchen, you've got your coat on. You're already running late. "I need to get off Steven, got to pack and say bye to the boys. Bet half of them have already gone, actually."

He nods and chews on his lips. It drives you wild. "So, are you gonna tell them about us then or…"

You gulp to lubricate your throat. You can't do that, not because you don't want to but because you need to finish with Matthew first. And as much as it was already over between you as soon as you laid eyes on Steven again, you owe it to him to do it his face.

You wrap you arms around Steven and pull him into a hug. You can't lie to his face. "I want to tell Cheryl first. In person."

You hate yourself.

He nods and says he understands. You kiss him again to try to show him how much you love him and then leave him without looking back.

….

You've said goodbye to the stags that were left and you've packed your things in record time, encouraging Nate to do the same as you wait for him in the lobby. You've already pulled your car round to the front of the hotel because you want to get back as soon as you can because the sooner you do what you got to do, the sooner you can start your life with Steven. Just, start your life, really.

As Nathanial throws his stuff into the boot of your car he says he's just going to the shops to get some things for the drive home. You smile through your teeth, trying not to show your frustration. You watch him leave and shout at him to be quick and it's then that you feel a tap on your shoulder.

You turn around and Steven is there looking fresh and beautiful. He holds out a black t-shirt. The one with your name on it that he wore out on the second night. You hope he hasn't washed it.

"Here, you forgot this." He says innocently but his eyes tell a very different story. You take it from him and throw it into the backseat then grab hold of his wrist, dragging him into the alleyway adjacent.

You kiss him hard and run your hand down his back and then into the front of his pants. You pull his cock free and he moans into your ear and you stroke him and kiss him, always kiss him while he comes. He looks at you like he loves you and gives you the filthiest smile you've ever seen. You stroke a hand through his hair and kiss his forehead, close your eyes as he wraps his arms around you.

"We better get back out there before Nate comes back." Steven says and you agree. You can't wait until you can hold him and put your arm around him and kiss him in public so that everyone knows he's yours. Finally. He belongs to you and you belong to him. Just like you always have.

"I'll be back in a couple of weeks Steven, OK? Just need to sort out some things back in the village."

He nods and he looks small and childlike. Like he doesn't believe you. "Hey," You say with a smile and tilt his head. "I love you."

He smiles at you like all of his Christmases have come at once. "Love you too"

You go back out of the alley and stand by the car, waiting for Nathanial. He walks back with an opened packet of crisps and a bag full of goodies for the journey back, gives Steven a great big smile.

"Ready?" You ask.

He nods and licks his fingers before holding out his hand to Steven. "It was great meeting you Ste."

"Yeah you too."

"Listen mate, I know it's short notice but I've spoken to Cheryl and we'd really love you to come to the wedding."

"Oh I don't know Nate, we've not spoken in years."

"Come on, I know it'd mean a lot to her, wouldn't it Brendan?"

You nod and your body tingles at the prospect of having him there with you next weekend. Steven looks at you for reassurance so you give him a small smile to which he reciprocates.

"Yeah, go on then."

"Excellent!" Nate replies and pulls Steven into an unsuspecting hug. You release a small chuckle at Steven's squashed up face.

When he finally let's go, he makes his way to the passenger side and shuts the door, leaving you and Steven to say your goodbyes.

"So…I'll have to find me best court suit then." You laugh and he shakes his head. "You think I'm joking?" But it's the opposite. You're laughing because you know he's not.

"Listen Steven, I've left you a little present on your phone." You say and watch his smile quirk to the side. "Something to keep you going til next week."

"I better go home to have a look at it then." He says, biting his lower lip with a smile. The things that boy does to you… Before you have a chance to think about it any further, Nathanial has the window rolled down.

"Come on Brendan!" He calls. "Need to go and see my princess and you need to get back to Matt. He's been missing you like crazy apparently!"

You gulp at his name and guilt immediately consumes you but not for Matthew. Steven's earlier smile has fully disappeared and he's barged passed you with his face in the window now.

"Sorry what? Who's Matt?"

"Brendan's boyfriend!" Nathanial replies like it's the most natural thing in the world. "Don't worry. You'll get to meet him at the wedding. I'm sure you two will get on like a house on fire!"

You can feel your palms getting sweatier with every second that passes. Your throat is dry and itchy and you can feel it all slipping away from you. Your entire world.

"Steven…"

He's shaking his head and Nathanial is looking on with concern as Steven's jaw shivers, tears of anger and hurt and confusion cascading openly down his face. He's tearing away from you but you're chasing him, pulling him back.

"Steven I can explain."

"Explain?!" He yells, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve. "Explain how you walk back into my life, make me fall in love with you again and leave?! Back to your…your boyfriend!"

"Steven I love you!"

"Yeah. Sure you do." He says as he walks away again.

"Every day until I'm in my grave, you'll always be in my head Steven!"

This time, he walks and he doesn't stop.

…

You drive in silence for the journey back. You're not sure whether Nate's disappointed in you or if he just doesn't dare speak. You pull up outside his and Cheryl's flat, keep both hands on the wheel and stare straight ahead.

"Brendan…" Nate says tentatively.

"Get out of the car, Nathanial."

"Listen, I don't know what happened back there but -"

You grind your teeth and shake your head. No he doesn't. He doesn't understand that he's turned your world upside down.

"Get out Nate." Your trying to remain calm despite your knuckles turning white and when you look and he hasn't moved, you scream at him. And then you punch the roof of your BMW and you shake the car and when you hear the door slam shut. You cry.

….

You call Steven as soon as you get home. It dials through at first and then after the fourth time, it goes straight through to voicemail. You go straight to your stock of whiskey in the kitchen and pour yourself one. Then another and then another. You try calling him again and his phone is still off so you text him. And beg.

To Steven:

Please, Steven. Let me explain. I can explain.

To Steven:

Please…Please.

When you've had a bit more to drink, you build up the courage to leave a voicemail.

I love you, Steven. And that's never going to change. I'm never going to feel any differently about you. Let me explain. Let me sort this, please.

The booze is affecting your body now. It may only be 9 O'clock but you can barely keep your eyes open, somehow just managing to stumble from the dining table to your bedroom. You need to sleep, you need to see him. Even if it's only in your dreams.

When you feel yourself beginning to drift off, you hear a knock at the door. Your heart leaps into your mouth as you throw on a t-shirt and run towards the noise. All you see is Steven's face in your head and it sends tingles down your spine. You twist the key and pull it open.

Your heart drops. "Matthew."

He's got tears in his eyes and a look of confusion. "I saw Nate in the village and he said I should come and talk to you." You gulp and feel an instant guilt. He reaches out for your face but you step back and move aside to let him in. His green eyes are duller and his cheeks have blushed red with the cold.

"What's happening Brendan? I'm worried."

You look at him, at his blonde dirty hair and his slight frame and his tanned skin. Your heart's breaking and you want something to numb the pain. You push him against the wall and throw your tongue in his throat but it doesn't taste like Steven. You grab his shoulders and turn him. His arse presses back into yours and you can feel yourself harden. You bite down on his shoulder and pull at his tight fitted t-shirt. You lick up his neck and catch the scent of his hair. It doesn't smell the same and it isn't as soft as the person you're trying so desperately to imagine.

And when he groans your name, you know you have to stop this.

"No."

Matthews lips are pulsating and his eyes are bright. "What?" He pulls at your shirt but you've got enough force in spite of the alcohol to push him off you.

"I said no."

"But I love you Brendan."

"I don't love you. I never have." It's not a lie. You haven't said it once.

He shakes his head, his pupils wide. "No…no, listen, I don't know what's happened Brendan and I know that you've never told me that you love me but…."

""I've met someone else." You say, because you need to end this. Put him out of his misery. "I've been fucking him all weekend."

He cries and he screams and he calls you a wanker. He asks you who and you tell him it doesn't matter.

"Well, are you together?"

Your stomach drops and you shake your head slowly. "No." Not even if you wanted to.

Hope invades his eyes and he smiles desperately. "Then it's OK. I can forgive ya. We can still be together."

When you explain that you can't, that's it's not fair on him he shakes his head again. Tells you it doesn't matter.

"It does matter, Matthew."

"Why? Why does it?"

"Because even if he doesn't want me, it doesn't change the fact that I want him. I always have, and I always will."

You're not ever going to give up on him.

…

You wake up in the morning with a clearer head. You text Matthew, tell him that you've gathered all of his things that he's left at yours. That he can let himself in with the spare key that you've hidden under the mat and take it.

You head to work to and sit in your office doing your paperwork. You try Steven again but it says that the number has been disconnected. You feel like you could be sick. You trawl through the computer and go onto the clubs facebook. Find Steven's name and scroll through his page. There was a picture uploaded from last night. He's in a club with a group of people, all a similar age, one looks a little older than him. He looks beautiful in his checked shirt and tight blue jeans and he's smiling with his arm around a girl. It looks like the girl from the bar.

You look at the next photo, and the next and the following four that have him in. He's smiling in all of them but when you look closer, much closer, you can see that the red in his eyes isn't the camera and that there's a wobble to his smile. Truth be told, he looks miserable.

You hear your office door click open so you slam the laptop shut. It's your sister, with bags full of shopping.

"Jesus, don't you ever knock?"

"Er, this is still 5% my club y'know?" She retorts and gives you a smile as she pulls up a chair beside you. "How you doing?"

"I've done the ordering and the wages. Need to do the stock take still and the m-" You feel a hand close over yours.

"That's not what I meant." You see her eyes for the first time then and there's something in them. Pity, you think.

You rub your chin. "Nathanial told you about Steven then?"

She nods and gives your hand a squeeze. "He seems to be under the impression that you and him might've, y'know?"

You did a lot more than, y'know, you thought. "I told him I loved him Chez."

You see the white in her eyes grow. "You did what?"

You stare straight ahead. Don't want to see look at her when you say it again. "I told him that I loved him." Then you change it. "That I love him." Present tense.

"What about Matt?"

"What about him?" You say quickly, tapping the wood of you desk. "You know what Steven is to me. You must do."

She smiles weakly and nods. "I just thought you'd moved on."

"I thought so too. But when I saw him…" You let out a breath and feel your heart clench. Jesus, you'd never loved him more. "I ended it with Matthew last night. I was always gonna do it, after seeing Steven. I just…" No one can compare.

The next thing you know you're being brought into a hug and your being held and you can feel yourself moving. You realise that you're crying into your sisters shoulder. She hushes you and rubs your hair.

"Does he feel the same?"

You suck up your sobs and sit back, wiping your eyes. You nod. "He told me he did but…then he found out about Matthew and I fucked it all up." Your knee bounces up and down as you stare straight ahead. " I can't lose him again, Chez. Not now."

…..

It's two days before the big day, four since you've seen or heard from Steven. A couple of nights ago you tried to contact him after a night at the club. You were lonely and exhausted and you missed him. You missed him.

You brought up his facebook page, the glare from the screen distorting your whiskey soaked eyes in the dark. You looked down in the bottom right hand corner. Ste Hay – online.

You hovered your fingers over the keys but then finally began to type.

Steven please talk to me. Delete. Steven I need you. Delete.

You finally settle for:

Hi.

You gulp as you wait for a response. You're not holding your breath to get one.

Ste Hay:

Leave me alone Brendan.

You smile and feel your heart race. It's more than you'd ever dared to hope for.

I can't.

Ste Hay:

Yeah u can. U did it for 5 years.

Your head drops.

I've loved you for 5 years too.

You watch and wait. Ste Hay is typing a message. You hold your breath and wait a minute longer.

Ste Hay is offline.

…

You're at Cheryl's, trying to hide in away from the chaos of make up and hair trials and seating plans and everything else that goes with a Cheryl Brady wedding. Her voice is more high pitched than usual, so you hide in the conservatory, doors shut and locked from the inside as you look at the view, overlook Chester and all it has to offer.

You hear a small tap on the door and put down your coffee, walk over to the door and unlock it.

"Mind if I join you?" Nate says, holding up two glasses and a bottle of red wine.

You point to the free chair, looking out at the view once again as Nathanial pours.

"You all set for tomorrow then?"

You nod slowly. "I've not lost the rings if that's what you're getting at."

"No, I'm just…good." He says and you hear him let out a breath. The bloke looks a bag of nerves.

"Surprised your still here, actually. Thought you'd have gone to your cousins already."

He shrugs and nods. "Wish I could, believe me. But Cheryl needed me to phone the catering company." You're not looking at him but can feel his eyes on you. Can sense that something important is about to happen. "Make sure we could add on an extra couple of steaks for Ste and Amy."

Your eyes widen as you turn your head towards Nathanial. He's smiling at you and you can feel your stomach flip. You put down your wine slowly, give him your full attention. "Steven?" You question, barely able to believe that you're saying his name again. "Steven's coming to the wedding?"

He nods and you can feel a pressure being released from your chest. "I just thought that after…I didn't…" You can't let yourself believe it. "Have you spoken to him? I mean, have you…are you sure?"

Nate nods firmly, not an ounce of doubt in him. "Well I better be. I just had to bribe the chef!" He laughs and you laugh too. "He text me his new number at the beginning of the week. Wished me luck but told me he couldn't make it."

"What made him change his mind?"

"Have you met your sister?" He asks raising his eyebrows.

You could kiss him but you think a thank you will be enough.

….

She looks beautiful, your sister as you sit in the car outside the church with her. You're best man to her future husband but you're also walking her down the aisle after the passing of your father two years ago. Satan never rest his soul.

Her hair looks like something from the movies and she's, glowing, is what you could call it. From head to toe. You smile at her and she beams back at you.

"This is really happening, Bren isn't it?" She says, smiling from ear to ear. "Nate, he really wants to marry me."

"Course he does." You smile. "Look at you…" You go to hug her but she holds back.

"After the photo's!" She says, hitting your arms away. "Come on then, I need to get hitched!"

You walk her down the rose petaled carpet that lays ahead of you, well you walk, she kind of glides, her dress swishing gracefully like a bell from side to side. You keep your eyes ahead, just like her, look for Nathanial and towards the next job you have to do for your sister. Her happiness is everything to you and as Cheryl's eyes meet her soon to be husbands, you're confident that it's everything to him too. She allows you a quick kiss on the cheek before you pat Nate on the back and stand by his side.

Eventually you're seated by Father Des, a man who you've come to many a night, looking to cleanse your darkened soul. You told him about Steven once, you didn't say his name but you told him about someone that you loved and that you'd lost forever. You did it in God's house too and you didn't get struck down with lightening. Part of you thinks that was the last piece of the jigsaw, God's acceptance of you, of the man he had created.

The ceremony progresses, Anne does a reading about love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And then she gets to the last line. Love never fails.

You glance to your left then because as much as you tried not to look for Steven when you walked down the aisle, it's like he has this magnetic pull on you because you knew where he was all along.

You catch his eye for a moment before he looks away. You smile to yourself and repeat the last part of the proverb. Love never fails.

The rest of the ceremony goes without a hitch. Cheryl and Nate smile and laugh their way back out of the church and into the limousine to the reception venue, a beautiful marquee with a large woodland and lake. You go back inside after waving them off and thank father Des. You'd never doubted him. As you're about to go to your car, you notice Steven and Amy still stood by the church.

You make your way over to them, hands in pockets, kicking the stones that are in your path. You look at Steven, whose staring straight back at you. His eyes look bluer than you remember and his golden skin shines in the sun. You can't tell what he's thinking. Whether he hates you or, maybe, just maybe…

"Brendan…" You hear Amy sigh, taking your attention away from Steven for a moment. "What can we do for you?"

"It's more what I can do for you." You smile through her oblivious contempt for you. She's never liked you and rightly so. When you think back to what you did, who you were, it doesn't bare thinking about. You'll always respect her for that, you think. "You guys need a lift?"

"We're waiting for the bus." Steven says quickly and Amy looks at him like she's proud of him.

"Well, I'm heading that way now so…and I don't charge. Much." You smile, trying to make light of the situation but neither Steven nor Amy share it.

"Yeah well we'd rather walk than take a lift off you." Amy, charming as ever. "Wouldn't we Ste?"

You look at Steven who's face is one of conflict. He nods and it's almost like he's embarrassed to do it.

You give him a tight smile and nod. "OK."

…..

You slurp down the last of the pimms, finger out the soaked fruit at the bottom and lick your fingers one by one. Everyone's here now, Steven and Amy included. They seemed surprised when they turned up and there were still some free drinks left. They don't need to know that you hovered by them like a guard dog. Made sure that no freeloaders took a second drink, not while they hadn't had their first.

You watched Steven's nose crinkle up at the initial taste, you guess Pimms is a lot sweeter than the cheap lager he's used to on his taste buds. Amy laughs at him and takes it off him, a little later appearing with a bottle of beer for him. You feel your lips twitch into a smile.

Suddenly, you feel a tug on your arm and a pint slide into your hand.

"Thanks Anne." You say, but don't look at her. Can't take your eyes off Steven, despite a him being slightly shielded by the crowd now.

"Oi, Brady." She gives you slap on the arm, finally grabbing your attention. "To forget once, I can forgive but it's been hours now…"

"What?"

She gives you a twirl. "My outfit." She flicks her hair behind her shoulder. "What do you think?"

"Yeah…it's er…nice."

"Nice?" Her eyebrows are raised. "Brendan, I didn't pay what I paid for nice."

"Fine it's, great. Amazing. Stunning and a thousand more adjectives. Better?"

She gives you another slap on the arm but this one is with a smile. "Much."

She links her arm through yours and she must follow your eyes. "Ste scrubs up well doesn't he?" It's like she's testing you. "If I didn't know he was gay I might have a go myself tonight."

You gulp, try to look as nonchalantly as possible. "Hmm."

"In fact, if I ply him with enough booze, he might just turn back…"

It's your turn to raise a stern eyebrow now. You know she's only playing but still, it stirs something deep inside you.

"Your face!" She laughs then shakes her head. "Keep your tache on Bren. He's gorgeous but you're more my type anyway."

Your smile and give her a wink. "If only, Anne. If only…"

"If only you weren't in love with a little chav from a council estate?"

Your smile fades at her words. She said love. She knows you love him. It doesn't have to be a secret anymore. You nod.

"Well are you going to go and talk to him then?"

"What, with guard Amy next to him?"

She gives your arm a rub and you notice the mischievous glint to her eye. "You leave princess Amy to me."

….

Give Anne her dues. You weren't sure how she was going to do it but she managed to get Amy to leave Steven's side. She was now fully occupied by a tall muscular Aussie, one of Nathanial's friends. You vaguely remember him from the stag do.

You make your way over to the bar where Steven is now stood by himself. He's already loosened his shirt and tie you notice, he never has liked wearing a suit. From what you can see, he can more than pull it off though, his trousers shaping his arse and his shirt is tight and streamlined.

You stand at the side of him and he stiffens at your presence. You hear him breathe before he continues to order his drink. A beer and a vodka and diet coke.

"I'll get these." You say, pulling out your wallet, flicking out a twenty.

"Er, no he won't." Steven says, addressing the barman. "I will." He looks at you then and his eyes are angry. "And whatever he's 'aving I guess."

"I'll have a pint please mate."

Soon, your drink is poured and Steven pays, pushing the drink in your direction. "There, you've got your drink now do one yeah?"

He's looking at you like he wants to kill you but then he looks at your lips and it's like…like he wants to kiss you too. Your eyes roam up and down his body and you see him shift uncomfortably under your gaze.

"What?"

"You look good Steven."

He rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his drink, turns and leans backwards against the bar. "Ta."

As he tilts his head up, looking to the lights, you see a silver chain glisten around his neck. Before you know what you're doing your fingers are on him, ghosting gently over his neck. You feel the bob of his adams apple as he gathers himself and he pulls himself away as if he's been touched by fire.

"I need to give Amy her drink." He says simply and he walks away as you whisper his name.

….

You're seated for your meal now, Steven across the other side of the room from your top table. You eat and talk with your sister, tell her she's beautiful and try to take your mind off things. Off him. Soon enough, it's time for the speeches, the bit you had dreaded. You did everything to keep your speech, short simple and too the point. It's no more than a page long.

You spent days writing it, didn't know where to start. How were you expected to talk about love and happiness when you'd only experienced it for a fleeting moment, with the man at the other side of the room. When the time finally comes though, and you rise to the clinking of glasses, you take the piece of paper and let it crumple in your hands.

"Ladies and gentleman," You begin, with a nervous rumble in your stomach. "Firstly, on behalf of the newly weds, thankyou for coming here today. " You gulp and itch your hand. "Um…when, I was asked to write this speech, both as best man and stand in father of the bride, I didn't really know where to start. I thought about telling you a bit about Chez, about when we were kids about how she'd make me sit in her tea parties and about how I'd cut the heads off her dolls. And then I thought I'd talk a bit about Nathanial and, what I know of him as an adult. And then, I was going to talk about love and why what these two have is so special."

. "I, er…I didn't know how I was going to do that. For those of you that know me, I'm not exactly…I don't really give much away. In fact, at one point, I thought I didn't even know what the word meant. But I do now. And that's thanks to one person who, before I met them, I didn't really know who I was. This person made me feel safe, when I thought all hope was lost. They taught me how to love…and they changed my life forever."

You look around the room at everyone hanging on your every word. You daren't look at Steven. You can't. "I know what love is now, I mean, real love and I know for sure that what Chez and Nate have is real love. It's unconditional and everlasting. Nate would take a bullet for her andI know that he's gonna take care of her now and I know that he knows if he doesn't, well, I might just have to knee cap him."

Laughter erupts around the room. You weren't joking. Regardless, you chuckle with them and laugh and raise you glass to toast the new husband and wife. It's then that you chance a look over at Steven's table only to notice that he isn't there. You follow Amy's forlorn gaze to the patio door that leads onto a secluded balcony. Nathanial's patting you on the back, congratulating you on a fine speech but all you can think about is Steven. You make your excuses.

"Sorry…I've just gotta…" You head towards the door and the balcony, your walk turning into a semi jog. You see him then, arms wrapped around himself as he over looks the country grounds.

"Hey." You say softly. He turns to look at you briefly, his eyes red and blotted, before he rubs his face with his white sleeve shirt.

"Hiya." He sniffs back, looking over the country grounds again, his back to you.

You notice him close his arms tighter around himself and you can see his body shaking. "Your shivering."

He shrugs. "Cold up here innit."

Before he can even argue you've got your suit jacket off and wrapped around him. You rub his arms, trying to get some warmth into them and your surprised when he doesn't fight against your touch.

"Your speech was nice."

"You think?"

He nods and you smile. It means everything. "Good. That's good."

His eyes flutter up at yours and the tears that had previously fallen have left a liquid film over the blueness of them. His wet blackened eyelashes blink and another tear rolls down his cheek. You catch it with your thumb before it has a chance to slide off his face. You gently stroke his chin and watch his lips part slightly as you rub your thumb over them.

You feel yourself being drawn to them, as your heart pounds in your chest. He whispers your name and you think he's about to tell you to stop but he doesn't. Instead he closes the gap between you and presses his lips softly against your own. When you part, you press your forehead into his and hold him there.

His head begins to shake. "I can't do this Brendan." He says, barely an audible whisper.

"Yeah you can." You reply and you hold his head firmer, trying to give him whatever strength he needs. "You can."

"I can't."

Just as your about to press your lips to his again, show him the answers because despite your speech, you'd never been good with words, you hear his name being called in the distance. He pushes himself away from you.

"There you are!" Amy smiles which then falls when she notices you. "Oh. What're you doing here?"

"We were just talking Ames." Steven jumps in and he throws a nervous look in your direction, as if to say please don't tell her about my moment of weakness.

"Yeah." You add. "Catching up."

She gives you a look that says she doesn't trust you before she steps forwards and takes Steven's hand. "Come on Ste, Tony's got some paper and a pen now to write down that recipe you were talking about."

"Yeah," He smiles as she drags him away from you. "Alright, let's go then."

He doesn't look back at you once and when you shiver, you realise that he' still wearing your jacket.

….

You're onto the whiskey now. It's that time of night with the music blaring from the disco, all the women on the dance floor and all of the men ogling them. It reeks of desperation. You're sat at the bar, watching from a distance when you hear the chair beside you squeak.

"Alright Bren." You smile tightly and nod, taking another sip of your whiskey. You only have to look at his bleary eyes once to know that he's drunk.

"Matthew."

"You not dancing then?"

"I'm good here."

"Mind if I keep you company."

You shrug and hold your glass up to the barman, signalling your need for another. "Free country I guess."

You sit in silence which he inevitably breaks. "I liked your speech."

"Thanks."

"It was about him, wasn't it?" You give him a sideward glance. You wish he wasn't doing this. "What's he got that I don't eh?"

You close your eyes and sigh. "What are you even doing here Matthew?"

"Cheryl and Nate are my friends. Just because you want to fuck some fucking chav-"

"Watch it boy." You growl in his face, jumping off your stool.

"What? In case I upset your precious Steven." Your taken aback then. You don't remember mentioning his name. "Yeah, that's right. I've done my research Brendan. I know he's here too."

You give him a look of disgust; run your eyes over him from head to toe. He's nothing on Steven, you don't know how you ever drew any similarities.

As you turn to leave, you feel yourself being dragged backwards. "Did he give up on you Brendan? See you for the damaged scumbag that you really are?"

You push him away and out of your face, his back hitting the wall with a force. You bunch up the exess of his shirt in your hands and press him against it harder. You can feel his feet kicking underneath him, as he scrambles to get his footing. "It's a good job this is my sisters wedding, Matthew. Or you'd be picking your teeth up off the floor."

You take your whiskey from the bar and head towards a table by the dancefloor. Let the music drown your ears.

"There's my handsome brother!" Cheryl says as she sits down beside you, out of breath. She leans her head on your shoulder and rubs your arm. She used to do this when you were kids, when she knew that you were sad or lonely. She just never knew the reason why. "You going to give your little sis a dance then?"

Her mouth opens wide then. "Listen, it's our favourite." Stupid Cupid. Another thing you used to do when you were kids. Dance to this every Sunday at your Nana's. Her smile widens and so does yours. You hold out your hand and lead her to the dance floor, twirling her and dipping her and laughing and smiling.

The song eventually comes to an end and a slow one comes on, Nate takes over from you and you're happy to sit down. Suddenly, a chair pulls up beside you.

"Who knew you could dance?" Anne smiles, giving you a nudge.

"Thought I better do my bit."

"Yeah. Almost everyone's dancing now aren't they?" She responds, to which you nod. "Almost."

You don't need to follow her gaze to know where and who she's looking towards. "He's on his own again. Why don't you go and keep him company."

You glance over at Steven, his tie now fully off and his shirt unbuttoned slightly. He looks lonely but you know that he can't be. Because every time you've looked over at him, he's been surrounded by people. Some of the old stags, Amy, Dennis and Leanne. You couldn't get near him, had to settle for watching him from a distance.

"He doesn't want to know Anne."

"Look, Brendan I know you're scared that-"

"I'm not scared." You retort quickly and get a raised eyebrow back. "I'm…terrified."

She gives your shoulder a rub and stands up. "I'm going to pull that Ian over there. Go and talk to him, Brendan."

You nod and head to the bar first, get yourself a whiskey and Steven a lager. You don't know where he puts it. You sit down beside him and slide your drink over. "Owe you that one from earlier." You say before he has a chance to argue. Except, he doesn't argue. He looks playful and more than a little drunk.

"Cheers." He smiles with his eyes as he wraps his lips around the glass.

You remember what he's like with a bit of alcohol inside him and it shoots straight to your groin. Your tongue pokes out slightly as you watch him lick his lips. "Saw you dancing." He says pointing to the dance floor.

"Yeah." You smile, "Mine and Chez's song when we were kids."

"I like that." He says, nodding. "The brother sister thing. That's why I'm glad I've got two kids. So they can look out for each other. You think they will?"

You huff a laugh and nod. You remember seeing Leah in the village, bossing Amy about. Her attitude reminded you of Steven. "I don't think anyone would dare mess with Lucas while Leah's about Steven."

He laughs then and leans into you slightly, the alcohol unbalancing him. "Yeah. Yeah she's a right little bossy boots her. Got a right mouth on her."

"Just like her Da'." You say with a quirk of the mouth. He returns a smile.

"Cheryl looks happy, doesn't she?" He nods in her direction as she laughs with her new husband.

You nod and smile truthfully. "Yeah. Yeah she does."

As you watch your sister you notice Steven shift nervously in his chair. "Are you happy?"

Suddenly he has your attention. You turn to look at him. "That depends."

"On what?"

On you. You want to say but you can't. It seems you don't have to though as suddenly, Steven's turned his chair to face you and your knees close together. You think it's an accident at first but then he keeps his thigh there, touching yours.

"There you are!" Amy smiles before noticing you. "And there you are Brendan. Again." She mutters bitterly. "Listen Ste, I can't get a taxi so my dad's coming to pick us up?"

"You're going?" You ask quickly, your question directly addressed at Steven.. Your voice croaks as you speak and your face paints a picture. Steven gulps and looks at you. He looks like he's sorry and then he takes his thigh away from yours.

Amy smiles, looks like she's won some sort of medal of bravery and then she checks her phone. "Right, he's outside. Come on, let's say bye to Cheryl and Nate."

Your eyes follow him as he stands up and you watch as he rubs the back of his head. Like he's fighting with himself. Suddenly, he's sat back down and at your side. "Actually, Ames I think I'm gonna stay for a bit longer."

You can't hide the smile from your eyes.

Amy glares at you and puts her hand on Steven's shoulder. "No, come on. How else are you going to get home?"

"I'll get a taxi later." He says and you can see his stubborn streak has kicked in. "I'm a big boy Amy."

She nods and smiles tightly. "Fine." She says and then repeats. "Fine. Just…you're getting up with the kids at 8 then so don't be too late."

"I won't be." He says and gives her a kiss on the cheek as you both watch her go. When she's out of sight he puffs out his cheeks and looks at you. You smile at him and he smiles back, that one that he reserves for you and only you.

He's about to speak when your sister comes bounding over. "Well look at you two…" She slurs, a little drunk. "Can you let me have him for 5mins Bren? He owes me a dance."

"Oi, I can speak for myself." He says quickly, his forehead crinkled. "Besides, it's not upto him who I dance with."

She laughs it off and leads him to the dance floor but before she gets far you grab hold of Steven's free arm. "I'll get you another beer, yeah?" You say desperately. "For when you come back?" You hope he'll come back.

He nods and gives you that smile again. This time, you return it.

You go to the bar, keeping one eye on the dance floor and order yourself a couple of beers. When you sit back at the table, you search through the crowd for Steven and Cheryl, quickly finding them swaying to a slow song. Cheryl's smiling and talking to people over Steven's shoulder while Steven's looking over hers, his eyes looking directly into yours. You swear that he can read your every thought. And every thought that you have is about him and about how well he fits into your family. About how you want him and need him to be part of it.

You hear Steven's chair scrape back and you roll your eyes as you spot who it is.

"This for me Bren? You shouldn't have?"

"I didn't Matthew." You say as you remove Steven's pint from his hands.

He looks over to the dance floor and you follow his eyes to Steven, whose stopped smiling now. "That him then? Wonder boy."

"What's it to you?"

Suddenly his lips are on you and his hands are on the back of your head, forcing you into him. You fight him and push him off. He falls to the ground as you wipe your lips. "Don't touch me." You snarl as you tower above him. "Get yourself home before I do something I'm gonna regret."

He stands up and smiles at you. You wonder why but when you follow his eyes to the door, you see the back of Steven's head run through it.

"Steven." You say to nobody. You run and chase him outside, look between the cars on the gravel out the front for him. "Steven!" This time you yell, hoping that he'll hear you and hoping that he won't ignore it.

You suddenly hear a frustrated groan and it sounds like it's coming from around the corner. You follow it and breathe a sigh of relief. He's there. You've found him. He looks at you with a look of pure hatred and then goes back to his phone, places it to his ears.

"Yeah, taxi please." You shake your head desperately and try to grab his phone but he holds out his arm, keeps you away. "No…no I need it now. Well 2 hours is no good, I can walk back in that time. No…you listen….hello?" He looks at his phone again and screams to the sky. "For fucks sake."

"Steven…"

"Fuck off Brendan." He says bitterly, tries to get past you but this time it's your arms blocking him. "Get out of my way."

"No."

"I said…let me…" He's forcing his way past you but you grab his wrists and push him against the wall.

"No!"

His breathing is erratic and you can feel it in his chest. "Don't you need to get back to your Matt?"

"My…" You can barely believe you're having this conversation. "He ain't my…He's never been…He ain't anything to me, Steven, Ok?"

"No? Thought he was your boyfriend."

You slam his arms against the wall again, keep him there. "He's nothing. Nothing."

"He was though. He was your boyfriend. Something I never was."

"Because you chose him, Steven." You yell. "You chose Noah."

"You didn't leave me with a choice Brendan." He says, his anger now subsiding. "Because if you did, I'd choose you." He says, his lip wobbling. "Every single time."

Your eyes go from his to his lips. "Then choose me now." You say, almost whisper as you follow your gaze. "Choose me now."

He closes the gap between you as you press your groin into his and groan. Your tongue is fighting his for dominance which you eventually win as you move your hands from his wrists to the back of his head, pushing him forward. He clings to your shirt and then moves his hands to your belt.

You break away.

"No." You breathe, pulling your lips away from his. "Not here."

"Where then?" He says and you can hear the desperation in his voice.

"I've got a room upstairs. 237."

He nods quickly and glances at your plump lips. "Ok, you go first then. I'll meet you up there in 5."

You feel a tightening in your chest and you shake your head. You're not sure if it's what he's used to with you, this sneaking around, the need for absolute discretion but you have no need for it anymore. "Or we could both just go up there now."

"People might see."

"So?" You say, but what you really mean is – I want them too.

"Yeah well I don't want it getting back to Amy."

You want to ask him what that means, why it matters if this is it for the two of you. Forever. But you don't have the strength to fight off another long, lingering kiss from him. When he smiles at you again you nod and rub a thumb over his cheek.

"Don't be long." You whisper as you back away.

"237 yeah?"

You nod and leave him with a knowing twinkle in his eye.

…

You've left the door on the latch and you're sat on the edge of the bed, waiting and hoping that Steven won't come to his senses and leave you sat here. He's been fifteen minutes now and you're starting to wonder… You wouldn't blame him, you don't think. You know that you don't deserve whatever number chance this is but you can't help the crush in your chest.

You tuck your chin into your shoulder as you watch another minute tick by and then, your senses are awoken when the door opens. You stand up and feel relief seep through your bones. You want to say it then, that you love him but don't want to scare him off.

"I thought you weren't gonna show." You smile meekly at him.

He looks nervous and shrugs his shoulders. "I nearly didn't." It hurts, hearing the confirmation of your fears but then he says something which puts your doubts to one side. "I've never stopped wanting you Brendan…never."

You step forward cautiously and run a hand through his hair. "If you don't want to do this…"

"I do." He smiles and it must be contagious because you're suddenly smiling too.

And then he's on you and kissing you and pushing you back against the bed. You fall and he falls on top of you, unbuttoning your shirt quickly as he wraps his legs around you. You watch his fingers work your buttons and breathe his name softly and kiss his neck.

After your shirt is discarded, you go to his buttons but only have to undo three before you can pull it off over his chest. Your cross dangles infront of you so you stop your onslaught of his neck and adams apple and take it between your fingers. He licks his lips and watches you carefully as you examine it then look up to him. You kiss it once and press it into his heart. You swear you feel it skip a beat.

You launch yourself forward and flip him over then help him wriggle out of his trousers. You pepper kisses on his skin, all the way down his spine and you hear the groans of anticipation rumble through him. You bite his arse cheeks and run a thumb down the crack.

"Brendan…" He moans as you spit on your fingers and press his hole.

You climb up his body and bite into his shoulder. "You want my tongue?" You whisper into his ear and you feel the shiver run through him. You pump him with your fingers as he adjusts and then dive in with your tongue, slap his knees apart to give you better access. He tastes sour and warm and you feel him twitch on your tongue. He writhes underneath you and you can see he's reaching down, trying to grab hold of his cock.

"No." You say, want to twist in some pain with his pleasure. He does as he's told and links his fingers with yours while you tongue him to the very edge of insanity. You lick his hard balls and undo your trousers.

Steven's up and turns around, kissing you again. "Please…" he begs. "Please Brendan."

He reaches a hand to your cock and begins to pump it as he kisses you. You bite his lip and tell him to suck it, which he does all so willingly. You sit back on your heels and watch as he expertly sucks your cock, like he was born to do it. His tongue licks over the slit and you feel your muscles twitch. You run a hand through his hair and rub his back.

You notice Steven's hand trail up his inner thigh again so you gently pull out of his mouth and reach into your wallet. "You want me to fuck you now?"

As he watches you roll on the condom he nods eagerly.

"Tell me then."

"Fuck me, Brendan. Please."

You guide him so that he's on his front on push into his open hole slowly. He hear him shriek and shift and feel him get comfortable. It's him that's pushing back now until you're fully inside him. You can feel that your close as you pump tirelessly into him, your balls slapping against his arse. Wrapping one hand around his cock and another around his waist you pull him closer to you and go harder and faster, just like he begs you to.

You shoot your load into the condom and then turn him over so that you can drink his come as if it was milk. You swallow every last ounce of him.

You wipe your tache and watch him as he comes down, his chest panting heavily. You lean over him and kiss him gently before discarding of your condom in the nearest bin.

When he crawls into your arms and kisses your chest, you know, at last, you can sleep.

….

You wake up to find his side of the bed empty. Through the fog in your eyes, you feel into the warmth but have no luck. Just then you hear the toilet flush and a fully dressed Steven come out. You rub your eyes and smile at him, you try to keep your calm when he replies with a cracked one.

"You OK?" You ask to which Steven nods.

"Just got to get back for the kids. Told Ames I'd get up with them."

You check the time on the TV and sit up further. Half 7. Jesus.

You pat beside you and nod for him to sit down. Despite his obvious reservations, he does it and he's close enough for you to touch him, rub a hand down his cheek.

"You're amazing, you know that?"

He blushes under your gaze and smiles shyly. "Shut up."

"You are." You say again truthfully to which you finally get a smile. A proper one. A steven smile. "Amy and the kids are lucky to have you. Anybody would be."

His smile fades then and he begins to play with his fingers. "Last night was good wasn't it." He says, trying to change the subject but with one look in his eyes, you bring him back to you.

"It was pretty special."

"Bren…"

"Can I see you later? We can go out or stay in or…" You just want to be with him.

He shakes his head slowly and he looks guilty. "I can't. I'm going back to Newcastle today."

"Today?" You ask and he nods and chews on his lip. "Well then let me take you home. Just give me 5 minutes yeah?"

As you move to get out of the bed, Steven's hand is there stopping you. "I've got a taxi booked."

"Jesus Steven, I'll park round the corner if you don't want Amy to see."

"It's not that, it's just…" His eyes reach yours then and whatever he was going to say gets lost when his phone starts ringing. "Look, it's here now."

He stands to go, makes his way to the door then stops. You get up and throw on some trousers then wait. Steven turns around and gives you a look that makes you ache, from head to toe. Suddenly he's in your arms and you're not sure if it's you who's holding him or him who's holding you.

It feels like goodbye and when you glance over his shoulder you notice your cross, Steven's cross, placed on the dressing table.

You feel your heart breaking with every second he clings to you. "Don't go." You say into his hair. "Please."

He tears himself away from you then and you can see the tears in his eyes. "Bye Brendan."

…

3 months later

You've moved on with your life. Best you can anyway. Steven left the village and you've not seen or heard from him since. You haven't asked about him or tried to contact him either. The scars from your last meeting still healing. The way that he left you still too raw.

You've thrown yourself into work, you're even thinking about expanding, maybe into Chester where there's an empty warehouse just calling out to become a club. You need to talk to the bank manager first and you need to go to look at it. There's a kitchen in the new place and you're not sure about whether to serve food during the day. Keep the doors open.

You hear the click of heels come up the stairs of the club as you sit on the sofas doing your paperwork with an album of Northern Soul on the sound.

"Afternoon." You smile to your sister.

"Afternoon Bren." She says, her smile even bigger. She sits beside you and pretends to be interested in what you're doing but you already know she's upto something. "You busy?"

You run a hand over your paperwork as if to say, obviously.

"Yeah but are you bust busy?"

"I'm busy enough Chez, why?"

She tilts her head to the side and plays with her curls. Definitely upto something. "Fancy coming round for dinner tonight?"

Is that all? You think. You'd agreed when she got married that you'd make an effort to eat together once a fortnight. You had to miss this week as her and Nathanial were away visiting his family.

"You cooking?" You ask and she quickly shakes her head. Nate's a good cook so you nod. "Ok then."

She gives you a slap for your cheek then leaves you with a skip in her step. "7 O'clock Brendan!" She shouts behind her. "Don't be late!"

You don't plan to be.

…

On your way to your sisters, you receive a text asking you to get an 8 pack of Budwiser as well as the usual bottle of red wine. Despite the difference than just the usual bottle of wine, you think nothing of it.

You knock on the door and get the usual greeting, a shake of the hand off Nathanial and a kiss of Cheryl. You take the beers into the kitchen, put them in the fridge then open the bottle wine and leave it on the table for dinner. You notice there's an extra place set.

You look up in confusion at your sister who has a mischievous smile on her face.

"What are you upto?" You ask her.

"Nothing." She says, shaking her head but still, the glint remains. "You just sit down and look gorgeous."

"Chez…" Before you can say anything else, the door goes and she practically runs to it. You dread to think who's behind it.

Yet when the door opens and you see him, you feel like you're dreaming.

"Ste, love." You sister smiles as she gives him a hug.

"Cheryl I can't breathe." He says as he hugs her with a smile but his eyes don't leave yours.

It's been three long months since you've heard his voice and it feels like it's gotten thicker somehow. You haven't moved, have barely breathed. You hate him for the way he left you after you'd given him everything you had. Body, heart and soul.

"Hiya." He says sheepishly, now stood a mere metre away from you. You don't know how he got there.

You allow your eyes to run over him. His hair is a little longer and you can see the stubble around his face. He's still the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

You cough to clear your throat and look away from him. "Does anyone need a drink?" You address the room purposely then make your way through to the kitchen/diner, pouring yourself, Cheryl and Nate a wine. You put a bottle of beer in Steven's place despite the fact that he didn't say anything.

You stay in the kitchen for a minute, put your hands on both sides of the counter and breathe. It's like you've forgotten how to. You're quickly joined by Nathanial who tends to the oven.

"Why didn't you tell me, Nathanial?"

"Listen mate, I had nothing to do with it. Cheryl only told me today." You look at him with steely eyes. "I think she just wants you to be happy Brendan."

You hear footsteps so you turn around and see Steven there, the sleeves of his shirt longer than his arms. He looks nervous and vulnerable and small as hell and you want to hold him but something is stopping you. You think it's hurt.

"Do you need a hand with anything?" He's addressing Nate but is still looking at you.

"No, I've got it sorted thanks mate." Nathanial replies as he cuts the lasagne into pieces. "You sit yourself down. Both of you."

You sit in your normal seat and Steven sits opposite you, takes a sip of his beer. His eyes are avoiding you now and it looks like he wants to talk to you but he doesn't know where to start.

"Thanks for getting the beer." He smiles softly at you.

"I just did as I was told." You reply coldly and you hate yourself for it but you need to keep him at a distance because you don't think you could come back from rejection again. You know how ridiculous that is because if anyone has been hurt time and time again in this charade you call your life then it's him. But he's stronger than you.

He sticks out his bottom lip and nods. "Well, thanks anyway."

Cheryl comes in then and gives Nate a kiss on the cheek, grabs the plates and begins to serve.

You all begin to tuck in and you can't help but notice the difference in taste. "Wow." You say, as your taste buds tingle. "This is great Nathanial."

"Thank Ste. He gave me the recipe."

You smile tightly and put down your fork, sit back in your chair with your hands on your legs. You can feel Steven's eyes on you as Nate and Cheryl try to do their best to cover the awkwardness.

"You going to use this recipe at The Hutch?" Nate asks and you can see Steven look sharply in his direction.

"What have you got to do with The Hutch?" It's the first time you've looked at Steven and addressed him.

He chews on his cheek nervously. "I've got a job there."

You feel your chest tighten. He's got a job in Chester which must mean…

"I'm coming home."

You let out the breath that you've been holding, can't quite believe you're hearing this. Can't believe you're the last to know. You feel like the walls are closing in on you as your chest tightens some more. You stand up.

"I gotta go."

You turn, grabbing your coat and ignore the cries of 'no' from Cheryl and Nate with ease. The 'please' from Steven proved a little tougher as you hover by the door.

"Please…" You can sense him behind you now. "Don't go."

It has echoes from three months previous. You open the door and shut it behind you.

…

2 weeks go by. You've not seen Steven. With the hutch only across the road from you, you're not sure if it's you avoiding him or him avoiding you. You stay clear of all the usual haunts, the Dog, the gym and when you work at the club, you bury yourself in paperwork in the office.

You've not really spoken to Cheryl since. She's phoned you once apologising for the night that she sprung Steven on you. Said she was sorry that she didn't tell you sooner and that she loves you and wants you to be happy. You're starting to think the only way you can do that is by moving on, finally. If that's even possible.

It's your birthday today though and although you've never been one to celebrate it, you accepted Cheryl's peace offering meal out at The Hutch. She assured you that Steven hasn't started there yet so you can just kick back and enjoy the food.

Except when you walk in, with Cheryl wearing the badge she'd bought you after you'd refused, there he was, laughing and joking with Tony like he hadn't a care in the world. Like he hadn't torn your world apart.

You scratch your chin and hover by your table and watch as he clocks you and jumps off his stool. His smile has disappeared now and he's heading straight for you.

"Hiya." He says, his smiles replaced with apprehension. "Happy Birthday."

You're caught by the blueness in his eyes and you can't look away but you don't want to look at him either so you look at your sister who's shaking her head.

"I didn't…"

"It wasn't Cheryl." Steven interrupts before Cheryl had the chance to finish her excuses. "It was Tony. He'd mentioned that you were in for your birthday." You nod, it sounds reasonable enough. "I'm not staying, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm not." You say, as cold as your thrumming heart will allow you to. "It don't matter to me what you do Steven, one way or the other."

He looks like you've just punched him in the gut, you see his lip wobble as he smiles tightly. You can feel Cheryl and Anne's eyes burning into you.

"Yeah. Well enjoy your food."

You tear your eyes away from him and sit at your table. Just when you feel like you can breathe, you hear his voice again. He's by your side.

"I got you a present." He says quickly, as if he's only just made his mind up to give it to you. "It's nothing major but when I saw it in the shop…" He shakes his head and pulls a small box out of his tracksuit pocket.

He holds it out then places it on the table in front of you. You follow the movement of his tracksuit as it rides up his back then let his scent invade your nostrils as he steps away from you. You're senses are suddenly awoken with a sharp nudge in the ribs.

"That's nice of him isn't it Brendan?" Cheryl says, trying to keep the peace. When you fail to find your voice, she speaks for you. "Thanks Ste."

You can't bear to look at him because you don't want to watch him leave.

…..

You've had your three course meal, absolutely stunning. The steak came out practically mooing and Tony had done you a cake on the house. The after dinner chatter subsided somewhat, everyone full and drunk on wine. Your present from Steven still sits on the table and now and then you glance at it, wonder what can be inside the rectangular box. You know Steven doesn't have any money and he knows that you can't stand mixed filling chocolates.

"Well," Anne says suddenly, breaking you out of your trance. "You gonna open it then?"

"Yeah," Cheryl slurs, resting her head on Nate's shoulder. "If you don't, I will."

You look at her, defiantly, use your index finger to push it in her direction. "Be my guest."

You watch closely as she fights with the boundless amount of sellotape which tightly wraps in the 'Birthday boy' wrapping paper with pictures of footballs and cricket balls and tennis bats on the front. It screams of Lucas and reeks of Steven, so much so that you can almost imagine him wrapping it at the flat. His tongue peeking out in concentration. It's enough to make you almost smile.

"Well, what is it?" Anne asks.

You take in Cheryl's furrowed face as she turns the box around. "It's a bike. A toy one."

You take in it's detail, the dark wheels with silver rim and long bar handles. The colour is red, bright red and, if you look closely at it, there's a blue trim on the outside. Looks like it's been drawn on with felt tip.

It's the best present you've ever had.

….

You're on the way to the dog, for a couple before last orders. You're all a bit drunk and happy and you've realised that you don't want this night to end. You go via the flat to drop in your present from Steven. Everyone waits outside, sat on the wall. They don't see you take it out of it's packet and place it on top of the TV. If you close your eyes, you can feel like you're 15 again.

You open the doors to the pub and make your way to the bar, insist that you are buying after Nate paid for everyone at the meal. You order your round and wait. It's his cheekbones that you notice first and the way the dim light from the pub bounces off them. His mouth is downtrodden and sullen and when he finally looks up and sees you, his eyes go duller. He makes his way over to the bar and picks up the half drunk pint by your elbow.

"Don't worry, I'm going." He says, knocking it back in one.

You're not sure where it comes from but suddenly your hand is on his wrist, holding it to the bar. "Stay." The ocean is returned to his eyes and he gives you the briefest of smiles which you return for a moment. "Thanks for the present."

His cheeks colour and he shakes his head. "I know it was a bit naff but I just remember you sayin' about it when we were in Newcastle."

The mere mention of the place where you had your heart completed and broken is enough to dampen your mood again. You nod and make your way to the table. Let Steven order his own drink.

You spend the next hour speaking as little as possible, let Steven and Cheryl and Anne take the forefront of the conversation. You're still working things out in your head. You know you love him but you don't know if you could take it if he rejected you again. Your heads given up on him, even if your heart hasn't.

The more you drink though, the more your vision is clouded and the louder your heart beats. You watch the way he is with your sister, and the way that he laughs that ridiculous donkey laugh of his at the smallest of things. He catches you smiling from time to time and instead of putting your guard up, you keep it down. You see him smile back at you.

…

"Night cap back at mine?" You ask to everyone and no one. Last orders has gone at the bar and with the alcohol thrumming through your veins, you're not ready to let go of the night spent with the people you love the most just yet.

Anne shakes her head, says she's too drunk while Cheryl is already falling asleep on Nathanial's shoulder. You give both the girls a kiss and tell Nate to get them home safe. You feel Steven beside you shuffling from foot to foot, biting the inside of his cheek.

"I better get off too."

"You not coming up for a night cap?"

You can feel the shock radiating off him. "But it'll just be me and you."

You're eyes meet him as your body faces him. You smile, want to touch him but daren't. Not yet. "Sounds good to me." You reply. "Had enough talk about shoes and shopping to last me a life time of birthdays."

He smiles that smile at you and you can feel the butterflies in your stomach. He falls in step with you as you begin to walk and you feel your arm brush his, not sure if it's the alcohol that pulls you to him or if it's just him and your need to touch him.

You walk up the stairs to your flat, him hovering nervously behind you. You drop the keys and go to pick them up.

Let's go to the club, have a dance…

"What?" You say, turning around to find him staring up at the stars.

"I din't say 'owt." He says, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

You breathe, you were remembering another lifetime.

After fiddling with the lock you finally push your way inside the flat, Steven trailing just behind you. You take off your coat, hang it on the wooden banister.

"Want a drink?"

He chews on his sleeve and nods.

"Great, whiskey's under the sink." You say with a glint in your eye, throwing yourself onto the sofa with a sigh. "There's a good lad."

You see his nerves wash away then, his mock offence taking the forefront. He shakes his head. "What did your laugh slave die of, eh?"

"Not getting me a whiskey." You say and he tuts loudly at you. "It is my birthday Steven…"

"Yeah, only for another…" He checks the digital clock on the DVD player, tongue out. "7 minutes."

"Better make the most of it then."

He rolls his eyes at you and makes his way to the kitchen.

….

"Anything else, your highness?" Steven asks when he comes back from the kitchen. You see the twinkle in his eye and your groin stirs.

"Music." You nod towards your sound system. "Pick something good."

His jaw drops at your cheek but you can see the buzz runs through him. You know he likes it when you show him who's boss.

"Take it you've not got any Cheryl Cole?" He says, fiddling with the buttons.

"I said music Steven, not noise."

He tuts at you and presses play, comes and sits next to you and takes a sip of his whiskey. You watch his nose crinkle at up out of the corner of your eye. You supress a smile.

"Ah…the man in black." You nod, "Good choice."

"Weren't really much of one. It was either Johnny Cash or a bunch of people I've never heard of. Least I know what he sings."

It makes you think back to your nights at the club, the ones where he hated you and you made him hate you more by turning it up. And the ones where he didn't. The ones where he was in your arms in the afterglow of sex on the sofa, those times where you let him lay there and you drowned in him…

"Why do you like him so much anyway?" His eyebrow is raised as he looks at you, his face muddled with confusion.

"He's a survivor." It's then that you realise that his story, it gives you hope. "He survived his father, war, prison, drugs…"

"Who's that June Carter then?" He asks as he reads the back of the CD. "She's on everything."

You huff a laugh at him and the way he speaks with contempt. "Friend, enemy, lover, wife…"

"Wife?"

"Hmmm. Eventually."

"He must have really loved her."

"Yeah." You say as you turn to catch him looking at you. "When he wasn't hating her."

He quirks up a smile at you and leans back, absorbs himself in the music. "They got their in the end though didn't they?"

You lean back next to him, you knees touching. "Yeah. Yeah they did." You feel his body lean closer to you, you close your eyes. You can feel your name on his lips before he says it. You get up and the rejection on his face kills you. "I'll get us another drink."

"Nah…" He jumps up, straightens his t-shirt and shakes his head, lip quivering. "I'll probably just get off me."

You want to ask him to stay, inside, you're screaming it at him but your voice just can't find the words. "Ok."

He shakes his head and hovers by the door. You can feel the anger bubble up inside of him, can see the peaks of his ears go red. "Is that all you've got to say?" He spits, shouts almost as he spins around.

You stand there, unmoving. "What do you want me to do? Beg you to stay? Cause I've tried that one before…"

"Maybe try saying how you feel for once instead of standing there like this doesn't matter…." He looks down to his feet. "Like I don't matter."

"You're all that matters!" You scream, grabbing his attention. "You're all that ever has."

He slides his foot along the floor, looks up at you through his eyelashes. "Then why are you over there then?" He takes a step towards you, a smile appearing on his face and, when your heart beat slows, you realise that a smile has appeared on yours too. You take a step towards him, bury your head in his neck as you wrap your arms around him. "I love you." You say into him, clinging on as if this isn't real.

"I love you too." He whispers and you can feel the wetness of his cheek against yours. You pull back slightly, wipe a thumb against the single tear that falls down his cheek.

"This has got to be it now, Steven. I can't lose you again."

"I'm not going anywhere." He says, fiddling with the cross around your neck. The cross that will lay against his chest once more.

You smile as you kiss him. You think you might have found your happy ever after.