Her Middle Name Was "Boom"

"She just walked in and…'BOOM!' she said." –Glassjaw

Rated T for violence, language, and some…let's call them sensual situations.

Foreword

Here it is for those few of you who actually read and reviewed "Cubicles"—thanks LoremIpsum, Thuraya Known, Miss Fenway, rileyluver17, InkStainedBlood, master of time, and smileyali (happy birthday, btw) for your kind words and your enthusiasm. This story's for you guys :)

Not a song fic, I just borrowed the title and some lyrics for chapter titles. No one's middle name is actually Boom, I just needed something really random and exciting for this action packed comedy action romance action suspense action kind of thing because I hate coming up with titles. Did I mention the action? I actually first thought up the story up while I was doing the "Choose Your Own Adventure" story. So this is probably the reason I half assed most of "Losing His Touch." See, when this particular idea popped into my head I'd been going to the movies a lot. In fact in my entire life I've probably already spent millions of dollars at AMC theaters alone. Anyway I saw both "Wanted" (such a great movie) and "Get Smart" (waste of my time) in the same week and I wanted to write something with a lot of action and with that kind of girl-and-guy-working-together-to-save-the-world kind of motif only with "National Treasure" characters. Actually just Riley. There's no Ben, no Abigail, no Patrick, no Sadusky, no anybody, so it's pretty AU-ish in that sense.

And, wow, now I write stuff with romance too! Or a little bit of romance at least. I am not generally interested in in-depth romance, and I think the only romantic film I've ever really enjoyed has to be "Punch Drunk Love." They talk about hurting things and each other while they're having sex. Trust me, it's funny. Which reminds me to tell you that I swear there is nothing sexually graphic in my story. This is primarily an action comedy (a la more recent films like "Pineapple Express" and "Tropic Thunder," both of which were awesome) so hopefully I'm really as funny as I think I am. If I'm not, just pretend to laugh, please.

And now to begin this completely ridiculous tale that I'm sooo excited to finally be posting. Schedule wise…I'm not saying anything. I'm not as, uh, done as I thought I'd be at this point. Oops. Expect regular updates and I hopefully won't keep you guys hanging for more than a week or so. Also keep in mind that I'm out of ideas for National Treasure stories. So this may be it, people.

Chapter I: When it's home

All around him, as far as the eye could see, were fields of green grass and brightly colored wildflowers. He was lying on his back in the middle of said field, staring up into the cloudless blue sky, imagining that if he looked hard enough he could see into the far reaches of endless space. He sighed euphorically. The setting was perfect…

"Oh, Riley!"

…And she was perfect.

He pushed himself up on his elbows so he could see her better. Her smooth, pale skin and beautifully curved body that was barely hidden behind a translucent white night gown. She had flowing blonde hair that danced in the light breeze around her bright smile. Riley loved blondes. Especially when they weren't German blondes that snapped at him and criticized him every freaking chance she got…

"Make love to me, Riley," the girl suddenly said in a sweet, sing songy kind of voice. She even sounded perfect.

"Okey dokey…" Riley replied smoothly with a wide, goofy grin. It wasn't every day a beautiful blue eyed girl asked him to sleep with her. And he sure as hell wasn't going to miss the opportunity.

He sat up further and was glad to see that he was already mostly undressed. All he had on were his favorite smiley face patterned boxers and his trusty old Converse sneakers. He was on his feet in a second, careful not to disrupt the flowers that seemed to dance in the wind in tune with his own pounding heart beat.

"Oh, Riley," the girl called again in that sensual voice of hers. "You're so smart, and handsome, and brave, and sexy…"

Riley beamed at the compliments. Not only was she stunningly good looking, but she knew exactly what he liked to hear.

"Alright, this is it," he muttered to himself. "This is what you wanted. Now don't screw it up like you always do. Don't be a dork either—just be cool. Cool like Ben would be. He got a girlfriend, no problem. Didn't even have to work for it…"

"Come on, Riley!"

"Here I come," Riley called back. He moved to take a step forward just as a song started playing in the distant background. It sounded funny, like the computerized beeping and booping of a generic cell phone tune ringing over and over and over again. Riley would have thought that something more…romantic would be playing.

Oh, well, he thought with a shrug as he continued forward. Only he suddenly realized he wasn't going anywhere. He was taking wide steps and practically running but was getting no closer to the girl waiting for him with open arms. The musical ring tone got louder and louder as she drifted further and further away.

"No," Riley cried, reaching his hand out in vain. "No wait! Wait! Please come back! I…I'm all ready to go, see?! I'm not really a dork, I swear!"

But she faded away with a taunting grin and a wave just as Riley heard a booming voice over the now deafening music. The sound of it turned his blood cold.

"Riley!" the shrill voice that he knew all too well yelled. "What do you think you're doing young man?!"

He winced and slowly turned to the voice. There, towering over him was his mother. Only she was at least twenty feet tall and had a familiar looking expression of fury on her face. He cowered in her ominous shadow as she pointed a huge finger accusingly in his direction.

"You are in so much trouble, mister…"

Riley awoke with a gasp just as the giant hand reached down to grab him. He sighed with relief when he found that he was safe in his own bed, twisted up in his own blankets. The blonde had just been a figment of his creative imagination and so, thankfully, had been his larger than life, overbearing mother. But why hadn't the music stopped playing?

Phone! It was coming from Riley's cell phone.

He scrambled out of bed and fell to the floor with a loud thump as he moved to frantically untwine himself from his sheets. It could have been Ben…maybe he had something for Riley to look up or hack into…maybe he was finally going to include him in all the "Page 47" secret presidential crap.

"Hello?" he greeted eagerly once he'd flipped open the phone.

"Riley, sweetheart…how're you doing?"

Riley contemplated hanging up the phone as quickly as he'd picked it up. This was the last person he wanted to hear from, especially after that very bizarre dream. And the chances of her calling him after that… Maybe he was psychic. Or maybe she was psychic. He shuddered at the thought.

"What do you want, ma? It's like…" he glanced at his clock, groaning audibly when he found that it was "…six in the morning. I keep telling you—there are such things as time zones…"

"Oh, I'm sorry, honey," she said in an unusually pleasant voice. "Paris, you know…I lose track of time."

Then she giggled and it became very clear to Riley that there was someone with her. And there was only one reason he could think of to explain why she would call him while someone else was with her. This someone must have been someone she was trying to impress. And for Riley's mother, there was no better way to impress said someone than with tales of her only son's treasure adventures.

"What do you want?" he asked again, only this time it sounded even more like an annoyed whine than before.

"Just wanted to see how you were doing…it has been almost a month since you've called me."

"Well you're never too eager to talk, unless of course you want something."

"Now, Riley," she said, her tone sharpening slightly. "You know that's not true. You called me last, remember? After that incident in Mt. Rushmore…where you found another treasure."

"Mom, seriously, I don't have time for this…"

"Ooh, why? Are you writing another book?"

Riley snorted. "Oh sure, because you cared sooo much about the first one..."

"What have I told you about being sarcastic, Riley?" she hissed back.

"Ugh…okay, okay…sorry," he sighed. "Could you at least tell me who it is you're trying so very hard to impress?"

"That's why I was calling, darling," she said, her sweet voice returning full force. "I'm getting married."

Riley nearly fell out of bed again. "You're what?!"

"Getting married…can you hear me okay? Riley? Helllooo…"

"I heard you…it's just…again? You're getting married again?"

"That's right. Don't sound so surprised…"

He wasn't that surprised, really. This was probably the longest his mom had been single in almost twenty years. It seemed she'd get married and end up divorced again every few years since Riley was a kid. But this is the first Riley had even heard of a boyfriend from when she moved to France after her last divorce over a year and a half ago.

"Geez," he scoffed. "You've already been married more times than Henry the Eighth."

"Oh, so now you're comparing me to a morbidly obese, pompous man?" she quipped back.

Riley groaned. "You know that's not what a meant…"

"I think you'll like this one. He's a good guy, really."

"Yeah, right," Riley muttered. "I don't have to start calling this dude 'dad' or anything, do I?"

She sighed. "No, you're an adult. I suppose you can do what you want."

"Good. And do I have to see if he's an asshole before you get hitched, like the last guy? Or the guy before that, or the guy before that, or the guy before—"

"Alright, Riley, that's enough, I get it," she snapped before he could continue down the list. "That is very sweet of you, but I think this is it. We really are in love."

He heard her giggle again on the other end again and he knew his next future step father had put his arm around her or touched her in some…sensual way. He shuddered. Even his mother was getting more action than he was.

"The wedding's in two months. It would mean a lot to me if you actually showed up for this one."

"Yeah, fine," he said quickly so she wouldn't yell at him again for missing the last few ceremonies. "Whatever. I'll be there, mom."

"Thank you, sweetheart," she said genuinely. "Save the date—August 16st. I promise you'll be the first to get an invitation."

"Sure thing," he muttered monotonically. "You know I'd love to keep this little chat going, but…"

"I understand…you're busy finding treasures and saving the world and all that jazz," she said cheerfully. "Just…try not to be such a stranger all the time, okay?"

"Okay. I won't."

"It's not that painful to just talk to me every once in a while, is it?"

He sighed heavily. "No, I guess it's not."

"I love you, Riley."

"Love you too, mom," he mumbled. "Bye."

"Bye-bye, Riley."

"…Bye."

"Au revoir!"

"Ma, hang up the damn phone."

"Oh, you're no fun," she pouted. "See you around, kiddo."

He waited until she hung up on her end before snapping his own phone shut with a shake of his head. He had nothing better to do, really—he just hated talking to his mother over the phone. Their long distance conversations were notorious for ending on a bad note, which was probably why they didn't talk as much as they used to. Most of the time he was glad she was on the other side of the Atlantic, but other times, like right now, he kind of missed having her around all the time. And he couldn't help but worry about her taste in men. Hopefully this one would actually work out and she would be happy for once. But he'd hoped that many times before and nothing had gone right for her as a result. He seriously doubted that this marriage last any longer than the others.

With a sigh, Riley pushed himself up off his bed. He stretched and glanced around his tiny apartment where sunlight was just starting to stream though the cracks under the heavily curtained windows. He stared into space for a long time, trying to remember the better portion of his vivid dream. But it was already gone—all he could think about was his mother and her newest fiancé. He shook the thought from his head and sighed again, figuring he might as well start his day, since he was, regrettably, already wide awake.

Oh, and by the by, I'm finally putting some of my stuff over on deviantArt. If anyone's interested in seeing what I really like doing with my time, check back at my profile for the link :)