Even If

"Can you turn that up?" Ben asked looking at Miranda out of the corner of his eye. Those were the first words that either of them had spoken during the entire trip. They were on their way to April Kepner's wedding. Kepner was Miranda's former resident from Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, a nervous and chatty girl who was marrying an equally nervous and chatty paramedic, Matthew. Honestly, she would have preferred to be sitting at home, but being at home meant that she and Ben would get into it again. And she didn't have the strength to fight, not today. Miranda looked at him and turned the dial of the radio. A smooth voice exited from the car speakers. I will move heaven and earth, give you my heart, for all that it's worth. "So, uh, you're not going to talk to me at all?" He asked.

"What do you mean? I talk to you all of the time," Miranda said, lying.

"I'm talking about us… talking about what we're not talking about. What we can't seem to talk about," he said as they went down a long and winding road.

"That's because every time we start, we start arguing and yelling—"

"Then stop yelling," he said cutting her off. They pulled up to a red light and he looked at her smirking.

"I don't!" She said sternly.

"You do," he said pulling away. "You start yelling and mumbling and doing your finger thing and so I stop talking." That comment gave her a small pain in her stomach. Had she even noticed that he'd just stopped trying to get a word? That he wasn't able to get his point across because she always held the conversation hostage? Did she care? Miranda sucked her teeth. "And sucking your teeth." Miranda cut her eyes at him. He laughed to himself and didn't respond.

"Just drive, Ben Warren," she told him, turning the music up some more. I don't care what we're going through… She recognized the singer, R&B singer, Peabo Bryson. And though the song was unfamiliar to her, it was speaking to her. As much as she thought that Ben was wrong, she knew she was wrong as well. Damn it, Peabo, she thought. An argument had been brewing under the surface for weeks now. Miranda thought it was his fault; he thought she was being unforgiving. It had all started when he left Seattle to go to California to become a surgical intern, a thousand miles away. Things at the hospital were becoming stressful, mainly because of all of the energy that she put into helping her mentor to heal after he'd been electrocuted in one of the biggest and dangerous storms that the hospital had ever faced. To top it all off, being without Ben was so difficult; she missed him every night. So, even when he surprised her one Halloween and dropped the bomb that he'd quit his residency to come back home to her and Tuck. On one hand, Miranda appreciated his grand gesture, but on the other hand, she was pissed at him for quitting. She remembered the conversation vividly: "You upended our lives because it was extremely important to you," she'd told him.

He'd shrugged. "It's not working." He told her that he wanted to be with his family, not in California. He felt like he was compromising his life for his work by leaving Seattle, but Miranda felt like he was compromising his dreams for her by leaving California. It unsettled her.

Then Miranda said something that she'd regretted, something that she knew was hurtful even as it was spilling from lips. "I'm j-just… disappointed in you," she told him and turned around before she could see his face fall.

Things hadn't been the same since. Ben had returned to his old job as an Attending Anesthesiologist at Grey Sloan and the combination of the job and him being there and watching her, always watching her, aggravated her system and she developed OCD. Miranda was strong-armed into seeing someone for her OCD. Her occupational therapist, Dr. Alma, made her see that she did have a problem. But it was her mentor, Dr. Richard Webber, who advised her that she had a disease that could be controlled and she just had to accept the fact that she needed help. He reminded her that he knew what she was going through because he, too, had a disease; he was a recovering alcoholic. Richard confiding in her about his inadequacies forced Miranda to begin taking pills to manage her disorder.

Hearing that it was Ben who'd told the hospital board about her OCD had created a bigger chasm between them. There had been minimal conversation, avoidances when possible at home and at the job, dividing their house and sometimes putting Tuck in the middle. Also, there had been no lovemaking. Not once. Of course, they hugged and kissed on the cheek and on the lips quickly, and there were the really good days when they kissed for long periods of time, but no sex at all in any way, shape or form. Needless to say, Miranda was feigning for it. She was becoming unbearable at the hospital because she wasn't getting any. And her husband was a good-looking man and looking at him every day and going to sleep next to his muscular, brown-skinned body every night made her weak. Anytime she decided to give in, anytime she decided to reach for him and allow him to run his gentle hands over her body, she would remember that they were fighting, and that although things were calmer now, a lot calmer, she wasn't supposed to lose. As hard as it was for her to be without him for all those months while he was pursuing his dreams and how hard it was for her to manage her illness, the hardest thing was being well, having him and not being able to talk to him.

'Til the end, my heart belongs to you, Peabo crooned, filling the car with his melodic voice. Miranda felt Ben grab her hand and she blushed, accepting his gesture and turning to look out of the window. "You have arrived at your destination," Mr. Feeny said. It wasn't really Mr. Feeny, but the navigational system Ben had gave the option of having William Daniels' voice give him directions.

"You're sure this is the right place?" Ben asked confused, looking around at the wide, open dusty lot surrounding a large renovated and decorated barn.

"Yes, I am. This is the address on the invitation," Miranda said checking the invitation against the Mr. Feeny-voiced GPS.

"Well, let's go," Ben said and he got out and walked around the car and opened her car door. He held her hand as she stepped out. They were an inch apart. Miranda's heart pounded, she hated fighting with him and it didn't help that he looked so fine, dressed in a dark blue suit with a white shirt, blue tie and black shoes. His tie was slightly crooked and she wanted to reach out and fix it. But she knew from years of them being together and that if she did that, she would pull him in and they would start kissing, uncontrollably, especially under the romance-induced umbrella of Kepner's wedding. Then she would no longer feel the need to be angry and she wasn't ready to concede. Ben closed the door behind her. "You look amazing, baby," he said putting his hands on her waist. She was wearing a long-sleeved dress with large white, yellow and blue floral prints on it. Her body jumped at his touch. He looked at her with a weird expression.

"Your tie is crooked," she said. She smiled as he fussed with it ands walked in the direction of the barn, admiring the beauty of the wedding decorations.

Ben caught with her. "Tryna leave me?" He asked.

"No. I'm not," she said and she could hear the chill in her voice.

He walked ahead of her. "Can we just try? Today? Please?" He asked, his eyes begging. "It's a wedding; we're supposed to be happy and excited for Kepner."

"I am happy and excited for Kepner."

"Good," he said with a nod. He stared down at her. "So, even if it's just for the next five hours through the ceremony and reception, can you act like you don't blame me for everything?" Miranda opened her mouth to debate him, but she snapped her mouth closed. He looked at her, waiting for her to answer because she always had an answer, always had a response and just had to have the last word.

"Okay," she said.

"Okay," he said taking her hand and leading the way.