Nothing

"You know what his problem is?" I asked no one in particular in the Northern Monkey. I probably should have stopped drinking around two hours ago – infact I shouldn't have even started.

I gulped my martini and clicked my fingers at the skulking bar tender, throwing him a quick sloppy wink. I then turned my heavy bloodshot eyes to Alice; who viewed me sympathetically. This only angered and spurred me on, making me want to wash my troubles further down the sink, away from everyone - especially him.

"He's scared. A scared little boy." I snorted and sloshed my drink onto my hand, "ooops…" giggling I licked the bitter liquid from myself.

"He could never commit. The only time was back in high school, when I was barely even attracted to him. Snivelling idiot. You know what, who needs him. I don't even know who I'm talking about."

"Maybe we should go back to your apartment Bell?" Rose asked quietly.

I shook my head vigorously, "No I don't want to go!"

"Come on Bella, its time we went for a walk in the fresh air… maybe that will do you a bit of good." Muttering the last part she ushered me outside.

I cackled, "It's not nice to whisper Ali!"

The ground was shaky below me, I span like a small child, my heel getting caught under the snow. I felt myself fall onto the cotton white snow and laid just for a moment, absorbing in the cold.

My thoughts were sharp, unlike my reflexes. Changing from one thing to another, my emotions heightened. Hate, love, passion, loathing.

"Why do I feel this way?" the noise coming from my mouth was so unfamiliar Rose looked slightly startled, not expecting the sudden change of mood.

They tugged me to my feet and stabilised me; I let them pull me along, the bright traffic lights oddly soothing my frantic feelings.

"I know!" I shouted, suddenly excited. This was amazing. Why hadn't I thought of this? It will work! I can fix it; end the mess which was unnecessary to begin with. A bubble of laughter slipped from my crimson painted lips.

"Take me to his."

Again a look passed between the two of them, their eyes were filled with sadness and their posture was a kind frail sight. I couldn't let them say no, I have to talk to him. I can change his mind.

"You're too sober! This is why you're acting like this. If you cared about me at all you'd let this happen." I whined like a petulant child.

My vision became – impossibly – more blurred, "Please." I croaked out. I felt the flood crawling down my face.

They softened, I had cracked them.

"I know that I'm drunk, but he'll listen to me now. I can feel it." I became strong minded and giddy with anticipation as we neared his street.

"Ooh he'll take me in his strong muscled arms and we'll forgive each other as if nothing happened. Such a silly fight." I shouted as I balanced on the pavement and ran my hands along the bumps of the railed fences.

Jumping down, I stumbled down the street staggering into dustbins but not caring at all; as long as he hears me.

"I love you." I imagined his words, his silken voice calling and whipping around my petite frame.

Love was an intoxicating feeling. Something one cares not to feel. For the first time, I wished I was indifferent to it.

I saw it. Right in front of me, black and shiny and waiting for me to knock on it. His door was inches from me; I threw my shows off and scampered up the steps becoming more and more frenzied.

"I love you!" I screamed into the night, my fist incessantly banging against the door, "Open the door! I love you!"

The light flickered on the porch as footsteps approached my knocking and shouting ceased, as a huge grin stretched onto my broken features.

"Bella?" he looked at me, but not really seeing.

"I love you, I know it's too late, I know it's the early hours, I know I'm drunk but I don't care! You have to listen to me, we're meant to be together… I can feel it. I can, I can't stand being away from you… please listen to me."

I stared hopefully into his shadowed face, praying for my fantasy to play out; my final hope. I knew, after seconds of his lack of response and empty expression that it was over. My heart shattered. I couldn't stay, "I love you." I chocked on my sob and ran.

He doesn't love me, maybe never had.

Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? Maybe I shouldn't have gone tonight; it only confirmed what everyone thought. Where are Rose and Alice? Supposed to be looking after me, taking me out to take my mind away from this and now look at them, sloping along leaving me on my own. Typical.

My feet were bleeding, I think glass was stuck in my big toe but the pain was compromising.

They ensured I arrived home but left me to sleep it off. I crawled under my cover and hugged the rabbit teddy my mother bought me when our family pet died. His face, him flashing in my mind; that day when I sobbed into his shoulder when our dog had died. How he'd held me and looked at me in my eyes and just knew how I felt.

You're long gone and moved on.

My face was red and blotchy, my teeth felt revolting and my hair was up in all directions. I could remember everything from last night. I flung my arm from my face and dragged myself into the kitchen to make coffee.

Whilst waiting for the black liquid to boil, my feet took me to the bathroom to brush my tacky teeth – careful not to look into the mirror.

I kept myself busy, not thinking about anything and not caring about my appearance. I had my iPod on all day, listening to the same songs over and over time after time. Tormenting me until the point I had ran out of tears; my phone remained switched off and I stayed in the same spot, moving only for bathroom and food breaks.

"She said nothing

Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Oh I got nothing

Nothing"

The script was prominent on my playlist as I searched my heart and head for answers. Flicking through every moment, every fight, argument, bicker….

I felt a hand grasp my shoulder and shock me out of my skin. I jumped and screamed a blood curdling sound. Turning slowly I looked up at the man before me, his unruly bronzed hair gleaming in the dim candle light, his grey eyes rimmed in black circles, his clothes still the same as the day of our break-up.

His expression was different, altering; it was soft, sweet and filled with love. I knew, we were fixed

"Can you see how much I'm hurting?" he whispered and inched towards me, the air was thick with longing and I was dying to leap.

"Love is intoxicating, it consumes you, when it leaves you, you're eaten away." I breathed and looked at his plump curved lips, unable to stop myself, I leaned in and softly kissed him; my lips pressing against his once, twice and a third time. Passion consumed us and we ended how we began; scared and thoughtless. The only thing I was sure, was that I loved him. Edward.

For me this was easy to write, when something heartbreaking happens, its easier to write it down than believe it - Anya