I was laying on a beach, the ozone soaking into my skin as the waves crashed down on the beach. I looked great in my expensive bikini and giant sunglasses, my face was zit-free, and my hair looked great.
Then my phone rang, and I woke up.
"Babe," Ranger said into the phone. "Were you sleeping?"
"Yeah," I said.
"It's three o'clock."
"In the morning?"
"In the afternoon."
I sighed. "I took down a skip this morning. I'm tired, and I had to go through a titty bar on Stark to get him. Lula knocked me over, and I knocked my head on the counter. I have a headache, so I'm napping."
"Babe. You have got to get a new job."
"You sound like Joe."
"Yippee. My life is now complete."
That cheered me up, so I smiled.
My name is Stephanie Plum. In reality, I rarely have good hair days, and at the moment, I had a zit on my chin. I can barely afford Wal-Mart clearance bathing suits, and my worst fear is that if I slipped into a bikini, a fat roll would fall out.
"So what's up?" I asked.
"I'm flying out to Florida for a few days. Tanks here, if you need anything. I'll call you when I get back." He hung up, and I got up, pulled my fingers through my hair, and made my way into the kitchen.
I rummaged around my kitchen until I found some crackers and beer. I sighed at my pathetic meal, then called Connie.
"Hi," I said. "Did anything come in today?"
"As a matter of fact, yeah. Mooner skipped out."
"Awesome!" I said. "Easy money."
"This will make your day, too. So did Sally."
"Oh my God. Sweet? Sally Sweet and Mooner?"
"Have fun."
I hung up, walked out to my crapola '98 Impala, and made my way to the bonds office.
I walked in, and Connie and my cousin Vinnie were having an old-west fashioned stare down.
My cousin Vinnie has the body of a weasel, with a face to match. He has graying black hair greased back, gold chains around his neck, and pointy shoes. He liked rough sex, and ducks.
"I never ask anything of you!" Vinnie was shouting. "You sit there at your desk, typing all day, while I'm working hard. If Harry comes in here looking for me, you don't say 'Sure, he's in his office' you say 'He moved to Jamaica!'"
"Hi," I said to Lula, who was on the couch filing. Her nails. "I'm going after a few skips. Do you want to ride along?"
"Who is it? I ain't sure it's worth missing out on World War Three over here."
"Mooner and Sally Sweet."
A minute later, we were both in my car.
Lula is a large black women who often squeezes into size 6 or below clothing. Today she was wearing a shiny red sequin top to match her bright red hair. She had squeezed her ass into a pair of black shorts, and was wearing five inch heels.
"So what did these two do, anyhow?" She asked.
"They got drunk at a bar and took a whiz on the counter."
"At the same time?"
"Apparently."
Mooner lived in an RV that at one time served as the bonds office. I knocked on the rusty door, and he oepend the door, looking stoned as ever.
"Steph!" He exclaimed. "And Lula! Awesome. What's up, dudettes?"
"Did you piss on a bar counter?" Lula asked.
"It was crazy, man. Me and Sally were at this bar, and the next thing, we were both on the counter with our barn doors wide open. I don't even remembering getting up there or even having to go. It was like mind control, or something. Like, from a higher source of power." He rolled his eyes up towards the sky. Lula and I looked, too, but didn't see anything.
"So why'd you skip?"
Mooner handed us a flyer – It advertised 'Moon Man and Sweets Extraterrestrial Extravaganza.'
"It was the same day as our court appearances," he explained. "Bogus, man. We had a good turn out, too. Seventy-three people came. We're having another one Saturday. You all should come. Bring Vinnie."
Over my dead body. "Will you come with me to get you re-scheduled?"
"Sure, man. No prob. Is that your car?" I turned around.
"Hey!" I said. My car was running away! I ran after it, but it was rolling down the hill – it speed down the hill faster and faster, crashing into a light pole. The pole cracked and fell over onto my car.
Mooner, Lula, and I watched as an electrical wire gave off sparks, and my car erupted in flames. I silently thanked God and Mooners aliens for letting me have my purse in my hand.
The fire department was there within minutes, putting out what used to be my car. Tank rolled up a moment later, then Carl Costanza and his partner, Big Dog. Behind them came Joe.
The four men stood there, staring as the charred car. Carl was grinning.
"It wasn't my –" I started to say.
"Did you put the parking brake on?" Morelli asked, rocking back and forth on his heels, a small grin on his face.
"I thought I did." I looked at my watch. "I have to go – can we wrap this up?"
"It doesn't even affect her anymore," Carl said, shaking his head, disgusted. Tank grunted in agreement.
"I have to get Mooner to the station."
"We can take the bus," Mooner said.
That evening, Lula dropped me off at my parents.
"I'm surprised to see you," Grandma Mazur said. "This isn't your usual night."
"My car got exploded," I said. "Can I borrow the Buick?"
My mothers eyes darted to the cabinet where she kept her liquor, then went back to stirring the pasta sauce.
"Sure," Grandma said. "Do you want to stay for dinner?"
"No thanks," I said. "I ordered a pizza for me and Rex, and I want a quiet evening at home." For once.
When I got to my apartment, I stopped and gasped. The door was hanging on one hinge. I could see into the apartment, seeing things turned over. I removed my hairspray from my purse and entered the apartment. I flipped the light on, then realized that the lightbulb was busted. I grabbed a flashlight from beside the door, and looked around. The house was a wreak. I checked for big scary guys, but didn't find any. Rex's hamster cage was flipped over. I panicked when I couldn't find him, then finally found him cowering under the sofa.
I gathered up some things and went to Joes.