Vlad the Love Vampire

by vladsawesome

XDDDD

Vlad the Love Vampire

Disclaimer

This story is only made for fun. We aren't trying to hurt anyone… per se. Remember, this is the authors' clever interpretation of real life events through Vladislov Stepanov's (prick) point of view. If you are at all squeamish and only view PG movies, then this is not the story for you. This is a satirical work that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are at all offended, you are most likely the targets on our agenda. If you can't take a joke, then you are a joke. We are not trying to target any racial groups at all. We simply enjoy embracing racist stereotypes. We have three asians and one white boy on the writing cast. Not to mention that it has been approved by both a black man and a half white half hispanic man. So yeah….. we ain't racist. Oh, and the fact that we need to put an entire section on racist jokes just shows how many of them we have. And yes, we know, we are horrible people, you don't have to tell us.

Now without further adieu, let's begin this wonderful journey.

Prologue:

It was a dark and stormy night, 10:30 PM, on the dot. Vlad was waiting at the train station, for his one true love. He didn't know her name yet, but he knew he loved her. He'd been waiting for this girl that he met online for hours already and was starting to worry that she wouldn't show. But just then, a flash of lightning illuminated the night, and he saw her. He couldn't make out any facial features but he knew what she looked like from her profile picture on Craigslist.

"Hey baby," Vlad exclaimed in a repulsive and nasal voice. The girl seemed taken aback, horrified at the way Vlad sounded. Vlad saw the way she cringed and didn't like the way this was going.

"Don't worry baby, I've got a great personality!" She didn't seem reassured. Vlad started to feel the awkwardness settle in and pulled out his final trick.

"VAGINA!" Vlad started laughing out loud, but then realized she wasn't laughing. Vlad started to sweat and wondered, "Why didn't that work?" Just when Vlad thought she was about to leave, she came closer to him. Vlad thought that he'd nailed it until he saw her razor sharp teeth, too sharp to be human. He then came to one conclusion, the girl standing in front of him… was clearly... a Landshark. Then he realized how stupid that was, even for him, and decided that the girl was a vampire. Vlad was oddly aroused and confused about his feelings for this woman. Vlad then left the area to go think this over.

After walking for a few minutes Vlad decided to go back, it'd be rude to let his love wait for him. But as Vlad turned around, in the distance he saw the girl with her fangs buried in another man. While this was super hot, he wanted to be that guy dammit! So he drop kicked the guy through the ceiling. Actually he just slapped his body for a few seconds until she dropped the corpse. The girl turned, snarled, and bit him in the neck, and Vlad experienced a fleeting moment of extreme happiness, followed by an arousing amount of pain, like a lot of it. He passed out with a ragin' 'rection and a smile on his face.

Vlad awoke later that night, but he had changed. He suddenly felt attracted to any desperate girl that got within a mile of him, and all of his standards were gone. He was: Vlad the Love Vampire. The promiscuous vampire who only sucks on the blood of unattractive girls. He was smoother than butter, with shards of glass stuck inside, cooler than ice, within the bowels of an active volcano, and sexier than, well actually I'm not going to make a joke about that one for the sake of decency. Vlad stumbled off into the night, searching for any victims that may fall into his grasp, but really, he hoped that one day someone might actually love him.

Part 1: A Whole New World:

Mr. Slov worked at a small company called Jen Co. It mostly researched new ways for children to act in a cooperative and cheerful manner, but honestly it hadn't made any progress and was soon to be bankrupt. Mr. Slov didn't work as a researcher or field tester at this company with no ideals. No, Mr. Slov was simply a janitor. Mr. Slov was a janitor mostly because he just sucked, but his utterly obnoxious voice also helped in his placement.

"Hey Slov!" yelled out a research scientist named Sawyer, "How you doing buddy?" Mr. Slov knew that Sawyer was just screwing with him, Sawyer hated Mr. Slov's guts after the incident with his browser history.

"So... you heard, Slov?"

"Heard what?" Mr. Slov said in his obnoxious voice. Sawyer threw up in his mouth a little and began to clear out the blood in his ears before replying.

"Well, I'm getting a promotion!"

"Good for you, asshole…" Mr. Slov muttered.

"I'm sorry what? Ah nevermind, anyway, there's some more news. You're fired."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

A few moments later, Mr. Slov found himself on the streets again, the last thing he heard was Sawyer playing a guitar and a bunch of white girls that were screaming for more. Mr. Slov walked down the street, he didn't bother hailing a taxi because he knew when he said the destination he would be kicked out and the taxi would accelerate to a 60 in 2 seconds. So he just walked. As he was walking he noticed all of the people holding hands walking down the street. Couples he assumed. He shrugged it off and continued walking to his apartment. He then noticed that there was yelling, and then the yelling grew louder, and louder. Mr. Slov looked behind him and was horrified to see that about 15 couples were running after him and yelling at him. For some reason he stayed still as they ran towards him.

"What the fuck are you doing here you stupid prick!" yelled a man, "Don't you know that it's Couples' Day?"

"No I wasn't aware" said Mr. Slov in way a that would seem cool if it was anyone else. There were a couple of snickers from the crowd. Vlad thought that they were laughing at his "clever remark" and smiled with them. Everyone stopped chuckling the moment they saw Mr. Slov's smile. Five people fainted on the spot

"HOLY CRAP HE'S SO UGLY," a girl screamed. Her partner then proceeded to pull out a knife and yell "FOR THE ONES WHO AREN'T ALONE AND FOR THEIR ETERNAL STRUGGLE." Vlad wasn't too intelligent but he knew that there was something very wrong about what that guy just said. While he was thinking about this, the man pushed Mr. Slov over and stabbed him 37 times in the chest.

"Can we cut off his hands? I'm hungry," one man said.

"Shut up Carl," replied another man.

After Mr. Slov had lost about 6 pints of blood, the couples seemed satisfied with their work and left to seek other single people to massacre. After he was sure they were all gone, Mr. Slov got up and wiped away the blood from his everywhere and immediately passed out again because the wounds still hadn't closed up. Also because he was a pussy. When he woke up again, it was nighttime, or as Mr. Slov liked to call it, feeding time, because he's corny as fuck. Mr. Slov stripped off his… no, and became Vlad the Love Vampire. He wore an Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie, skinny jeans, and Adidas shoes. His acne filled face made him indistinguishable from a single red pimple with slight facial features. He jumped in the air and fell to the ground, then he got up to a tall building and jumped off. Vlad glided through the air, like an eagle who'd lost its wings in a horrible plane turbine accident and crashed into a building. Mr. Slov, now Vlad, decided that this was a good place to stop. Surveying the area he saw a lone girl on the corner of a lone street. Licking his lips he swooped down and jumped on her.

"RAAAAPE," she screamed in a disgustingly high pitched and annoying voice. Vlad smiled and prepared to suck her blood, then she whispered, "Oh yeah… don't stop." He was so surprised that he fell off of her.

"Why did you stop? It was just getting exciting," She complained. Vlad stared into her shit brown eyes, her acne covered face, and her corn yellow smile that would be extremely unsettling for anyone besides Vlad. He couldn't take his eyes off of her and his heart started to beat faster than usual. Vlad heard people shouting from around the corner but couldn't look away from her "beautiful" face.

"What's your name Sugarlips?" Vlad asked. Her laugh was like a donkey's mixed with a pig dying from pure, concentrated suffering, beautiful.

"Clarice," the girl replied and then smiled that corn yellow smile that Vlad had already become so infatuated with, "What's yours?" Vlad was taken aback from the question. Nobody had ever even bothered to ask his name before, they would only find out when he tried to introduce himself and make their ears implode.

"V-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-vl..." they then heard footsteps around the corner. It was the neighborhood watch.

"Hey, what are you doing?" they shouted. Vlad immediately took off without a moment to spare. He stared back at perhaps the most beautiful woman he had ever met. She was perfect for him.

"What happened young lady?" asked the watchmen.

"Oh nothing," she said as she gazed in the direction Vlad ran.

"I didn't even get to know your name," she whispered. Vlad felt a warm sensation in his chest as he was running. A sensation he had never felt before, he was in love. He then tripped onto his face.

Part 2 : Come Hungry, Leave in a Puddle of Your Own Drool!

For days Vlad did nothing but sit back and think about Clarice. What a beautiful woman she was, to him anyway. But despite finding the love of his life, he was still unemployed and the rent to his shitty apartment was due soon. He walked up to a grocery store that was around the corner which had ads for jobs. After scanning through multiple flyers he found an interesting one, it read: "Proctology Experiment: Volunteer your anus for SCIENCE!"

"Looks like this is the best deal I can get," he said to himself, "Anal and money at the same time!" But he then heard a voice, a high pitched voice that would make anyone want to kill themselves except for Vlad. It couldn't be but it was.

"Thank you," he heard her say to the taxi driver. Then he heard the taxi driver scream, speed away, and explode. Before Vlad could think, like he actually thinks, his legs began to move by themselves. He ran towards the voice. He was driven by a force swifter than a coursing river, with the force of a great typhoon, and with the strength of a raging fire. He was driven by... love. He wasn't paying attention as he was running and was about to be run over by a truck, but he wouldn't let that stop him. Schreeeeeeech. He pushed against the truck with all his might and it pummeled him like a football player ran over a baby.

"What the fuck!" shouted the driver. The driver reached for the gun in the glove box but Clarice stopped him with her face. As the man turned to stone she turned towards Vlad and exclaimed, "It's…it's you." Vlad was speechless and was amazed that she even tried to remember him.

"I uh... never got your name" she said.

"V-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-vl…" Vlad stuttered again.

"Oh, it doesn't really matter, so… I wanted to ask you before, but uhhh... wanna go on a date?" With those words, Vlad smiled and fainted.

Vlad woke up in the same place, but it was evening, about 4 hours later. Clarice was still standing over him in the middle of the road. Every car passing on that road had already crashed and burned. Nobody survived the apocalypse that was Clarice's face.

"So… that date…" Vlad managed to say, "I know a good restaurant nearby." Then Clarice fainted.

Vlad waited for her to wake up just like she did for him. It was about 4:00 AM when she woke up and Vlad was still sitting next to her on the road.

"I guess we could get breakfast," Vlad said.

Vlad and Clarice entered the IHOP nearby. He sat awkwardly across the table to her.

"How am I doing this. No girl has ever been interested in me," he thought. He then decided that it was time to use his secret weapon. Vlad leaned over the table and whispered into her ear, "Penis." Clarice paused for a moment but then exploded with laughter.

"It worked!" he thought, "I mean, it always works..."

"You're so funny. So, can I get that name of yours" she said. Everybody else had already left the IHOP or died of chronic brain deterioration.

"Oh, well its V-v..." Vlad swore he could hear Careless Whisper in the background. He loved her asian yellow smile and how it appeared to be completely lopsided. He just had so much in common with her.

"I don't think that we're going to get to know each other just sitting here," Clarice said. Vlad started to drool and Clarice giggled. Every baby in a 2 mile radius got cancer.

"Sooo… I wanted to ask you, would you like to come to my house?"

Vlad couldn't believe his ears. Did someone actually invite him to their house? It was the play date he never had.

"Uhh… buh, buh, buh, uhhh." Vlad continued to drool profusely.

"I'll take that as a yes. My house is 44 Steiner Street, see you there," Clarice got up and left, leaving Vlad alone in an IHOP in a puddle of his own drool.

A few days later Vlad was standing in front of a house.

"44 Steiner Street" he read to himself. He carefully looked over the rundown building and proceeded to open the door. Or rather, attempted to open the door. He found himself struggling with the doorknob for some odd reason. It couldn't have been because he was so weak.

"Oh crap, it's stuck. Screw it," Vlad muttered. He then attempted to bash the door open with his entire body. His soft and fleshy body collided with the door with a force of about 6.2 newtons. He then collapsed onto the sidewalk, every bone in his body shattered into a million pieces. He lay there, waiting for his vampire powers to kick in and repair his body.

"Did someone knock? Nah that was more like a soft tap," an extremely irritating and high pitched voice said. Vlad got excited, but then remembered that the doorknob was stuck and therefore the door was impossible to open. The door opened and out came Clarice, in all of her horrible splendor.

"Hey there sugar plum," he said in a disgustingly nasal voice.

"Oh my gawd senpai, you're so dirty," she said in an equally disgusting voice, "Why are you on the ground?" Vlad couldn't tell her that he'd broken every bone in his body because he hit a door with all of his strength.

"Uhh, I… stubbed my toe, yeah, stubbed my toe, and now every bone in my body is broken." Clarice looked at him in a weird way and Vlad started to sweat.

"Did she see right through my lie?" Vlad wondered.

"Oh, don't worry, that happens to me all the time." Clarice then grabbed Vlad's hand, and dragged him inside. The two talked for hours on the couch with The Big Bang Theory in the background until Clarice mentioned an interesting place to go.

"There's a club that I go to often, everybody there knows me. They say I'm unforgettable."

"Th-th-that sounds great." He then tried to get up but fell on his face.

"Would you like me to carry you senpai?" she offered.

"Yes please..."

Part 3: Shüsting at ze Club

Vlad and Clarice arrived at the club and most people left. The remaining clubbers put on gas masks. They "danced" and ended up killing 5 people in the process. Then, the special song came on.

"Get closaaaaa, I'm-a burn-ing-nooooow... jamon!" It was Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" but sung through the voice of a Polynesian man that was as out of tune as a dying elephant but it sure set the mood. It brought back memories, memories of Vlad's high school years, when he sung that same song at many girls in a feeble attempt to seduce them. Except he somehow sung it worse. He then leaned towards Clarice and stared into her eyes. Just as he was about to touch a girl's face for the first time, a bullet flew in between them. Vlad began to scream and tried to rush for exit.

"For Bruce Vivvas!" a man shouted. It was then followed by a hail of bullets shattering everything in the club. Clarice stood in complete shock, unable to move despite the danger.

"It's Billy Bong and his gang!" one of the clubbers said. The rumbling equal to one thousand hippos got louder and louder. A man charged through the wall and reduced it to rubble and then charged straight at Vlad.

"Birry Bong!" he shouted. He scratched his hair and created a smokescreen of dandruff so thick that Vlad began to choke. Billy then proceeded to pound his head in. Just as Vlad began to pass out, the manager stepped out behind him and began to shoot back at the attackers but that did little to help. He looked to his side only to see that Clarice had disappeared. He then heard her scream of joy and watched as she was taken away. He chased after her despite already being shot multiple times… but he had a power more powerful than bullets, more powerful than bombs, more powerful than a holy muffin jelly. Once again, Vlad was driven by… love. But love wasn't as strong as excessive bleeding and he passed. When he woke, Vlad was relieved that the police managed to stop the mysterious men because they were not using real guns, only Nerf guns. Vlad had collapsed because he was a pussy.

"Clarice!" he cried. He then pressed his face on her non existent breasts and began to cry. He then realized why he didn't feel any boobage, it was because he was cuddling with the big bearded manager who only smiled and stroked Vlad's head. Vlad felt comforted by this and continued cuddling with the burly man. Clarice found Vlad a few minutes later, still crying in the arms of the burly man, who for some reason was licking his lips.

Part 4: An Unexpected Intervention

It was much later when Vlad and Clarice left the club because Vlad just couldn't stop crying. They went back to Clarice's house and did some things that Vlad very much enjoyed. Nothing naughty though because Vlad was incapable of actually doing the naughty.

Soon after the incident, life went back to normal for the two. Vlad landed a job as an "assistant" for the local proctologist and made $6.20 an hour. Life was relatively "good" compared to their shitty lives before and Vlad moved in with Clarice to start a life with her. They both supported the house by dividing up the rent in a 6:1 ratio, Clarice to Vlad. Clarice spent her nights satisfying men just like Vlad using whips and various "confessionary techniques", and surprisingly there were men like Vlad who would even think about buying her services. They kept up their weekly dates at the nightclub and the city wok cafe, but Vlad still hadn't made any promiscuous advancements towards her, despite him being a promiscuous vampire. They still slept in separate detachable beds every night and Clarice still didn't know his name.

5 months went by and they settled into a routine. Vlad would go to "work" from 8 a.m to 5 p.m and has developed a method of walking with a 12 inch rod shoved up his anus while Clarice would invite her "clients" to their home for her services during Vlad's work time. Just putting this out there, Vlad doesn't know what Clarice's job is. When they both got off of work, they would eat at various restaurants because for some reasons they were always the only people there and they liked it that way. There, they would call each other "cute", ok no fuck that, not cute, these names are fucking horrible. like Shmoop, Cutie Patootie, and Lovey Yummy in the most cringe-worthy ways possible. But still, Vlad was a vampire, and vampires couldn't go too long without blood.

"Tubba Wubba, I need to go out again tonight," Vlad would shout to Clarice in the other room.

"Alright then Princess," Clarice would reply. Vlad would leave the house, step over all of the dead birds that fell around their house for some reason, and then begin his hunt for other unattractive, desperate women. This worked for a while, but Vlad felt that Clarice was catching on to his antics.

"Senpai, are you going out and sucking the blood of unattractive women because you're a bloodthirsty vampire?"

"No, no, of course not, I'm not going out each night to do what you just said."

"Ok Senpai, I believe you."

"Thank god she's retarded," thought Vlad. He then went out again, not noticing Clarice who literally walked out 2 seconds after him.

"Thank god he's retarded," thought Clarice.

Vlad had been searching for a victim for about an hour now, Clarice following him only a few feet behind him at all times. Vlad, for some reason, never looked behind him to check if anyone was following him. Finally Vlad saw a perfect victim. Long hair, tall, too thin, and ugly as hell, perfect. Vlad began to approach the girl and Clarice's eyes started to widen, but she didn't say anything.

"Hey gurl," Vlad said.

"Fuck off," replied the victim.

"Fuck it, heh, fuck it. I'm so dirty," Vlad thought. Vlad ran at the girl and dug his fangs into her, sucking out the blood out of her, sweet, tender, juicy, fleshy….…... neck. If you thought anything other than neck you're a sick motherfucker, well not as sick as us but… well, whatever. Clarice thought that this was extremely hot but then realized what was actually happening.

"Y-Y-You're a vampire!?" exclaimed Clarice. Vlad whipped around, not bothering to take his fangs out of the girl, taking out a chunk of flesh from her neck.

"Aw fuck my life with a two foot proctology rod. Baby, i-it's not what it seems!" he said. But before he could explain she bitch slapped him and left him paralyzed.

"So this is heartbreak," he thought to himself. He listened to the clicking of her high heels get softer and softer.

"Clarice" he gasped. He then collapsed. What a pussy.

Part 5: The Yellow Knight Rises

Vlad woke up on the street the next morning, police surrounding him.

"Hello officers, what appears to be the problem?" Vlad heard screaming from a few meters away and turned to see a man clutching his ears. The next thing he knew, Vlad was handcuffed and was shoved into a police van.

"Where are we going?" Vlad asked.

"Where do you think dipshit? The fucking police station." replied a policeman.

"Hey you can't talk to me like that, I have your badge number!" Vlad yelled back.

"Oh yeah, and what would that be?" Vlad realized that he didn't have his badge number and started to guess.

"Uhhh, 3512412"

"Not even the right amount of digits asshole."

The police cruiser pulled up to the station and the moment Vlad was let out of the car, he ran for it. He ran as fast as he could across the parking lot.

"You've gotta be fuckin kidding me," muttered the police man.

A few seconds later Vlad was back inside the station in an interrogation room.

"So, did you know the girl who was lying next to you?" a police officer asked

"No"

"Did you witness how she died?"

"...No"

"Why were you at that particular spot at that time?"

"I dunno"

"Jesus Christ we aren't getting anywhere with this." At that moment, another police officer came into the room and yelled, "Let him go Jenson, he's cleared."

"Godammit, I wanted to squeeze everything I could out of this idiot, didn't even get to the good part," and with that, Vlad was out of the station. First course of action, find his love because she clearly still loved him after she'd abandoned him.

At that moment, Clarice was walking home from "work" and she was ambushed. She was bound and gagged and dragged into an alleyway, all the while she had a smile on her face. The men who captured her set her down in a leather couch, why nobody had noticed this random couch in an alleyway beats me.

"Bruce Vivvas, is this the girl?" somebody inquired. There were about 10 men around her, and there appeared to be another around the corner, concealing himself from her.

"Yes, yes that's her. Stand back, I'll deal with her just like… him"

"Him? Oh, senpai you mean," Clarice interjected, somehow she'd managed to spit out the horribly tied gag. 6 men in the room fell into a coma which would take 15 years to recover from. Bruce Vivvas then crossed the corner. He wore a large black cape and an ornate chinese mask. Along with this he wore what appeared to be a robe, woven with intricate designs. He looked in Clarice's direction and appeared to examine her. He then approached her along with his posse. They all dressed in suits and wore similar masks to Bruce Vivvas. He stuck his arm out motioning his men to stop. He started to take off the mask, slowly revealing his facial features. To her surprise she saw nothing but a scrawny asian kid covered in acne with a bunch of peach fuzz.

"Hey there-a-a sugar-a-a-aa rips," She looked at him in a quizzical way, as if wondering what he was trying to do.

"Baby I-a have a rot of rotion in my-a-a place and I a have a lot of soy sauce and-a-a..." unimpressed, she untied the rags binding her arms and legs and began to walk away.

"A-a-a VAGINA!" he yelled. Clarice didn't react at all and continued walking away.

"Hey why she doesn't raugh" he asked his subordinates.

"It's because I've heard that before, from... senpai" she said in a bitchy tone. Bruce Vivvas continued to barrage her with cheesy pick-up lines that he learned from a chick-flick featuring Ryan Gosling until he heard a disgusting voice.

"Let her go chinky eyes!" Vlad shouted. He was perched on the ledge of a nearby building, trying to stand in a heroic pose but just like always, failing.

"Don't-a be an asshole Mr. Vampire Man. How do you-a know that-a she wants to be with-a you?"

"Don't be a joke! You's just a fool!"

"A-a-you cheated on-a her correct? That is-a-a good reason to-a choose me," Bruce Vivvas smiled. Vlad's eyes widened in shock. The thought of Clarice choosing Bruce Vivvas over him petrified him.

"Come on-a baby, I know you want-a-a me," Bruce Vivvas said, "This is-a your rast chance."

"I'm not sure," Clarice was very conflicted.

"Sounds rike a yes to me, GET HER NOW!" he commanded, "And make sure white boy get it too."

"Yes sir," his men responded. A wave of men got on motorcycles and charged at her and another squad of men used their ninja techniques to teleport behind her. Meanwhile a couple of other men who'd appeared from nowhere chucked rocks at Vlad until he fell unconscious. A bunch of guys were still chasing after Clarice, but unfortunately for them their weapons were fake and none of them actually knew how to drive.

"RAAAAAAAAPE, THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER" Clarice screamed as she was running. Most of the motorcycle guys ended up crashing into each other and another comically crashed into a wall, somehow making a motorcycle shaped hole.

"A-a-a-cmon, it-a isn't that hard-a-a to get one little girl!" A group of three helicopters swooped in to interecept Clarice, but two of them swooped too hard into the roofs of the nearby buildings. The remaining one hovered above the alley as multiple men rappeled downwards. One of the men was an extremely obese man and once he jumped down he pulled the helicopter down with him. The vehicle exploded into a blaze of fire and shrapnel.

"You guys useress. I get her myself." Bruce Vivvas yelled in his nasally pubescent off voice. A windowless white pedo van began to catch up to her and blocked her escape.

"Take this" Bruce said as he put a piece of chloroform covered cloth over her face. He dragged her in and drove off. Vlad began to wake up. He then heard the joyful screams of a pitbull dying of strangulation in the distance.

"Clarice? Clariiiiiiiiiice!" he shouted as she was taken away. "Whhhhhhyyyy!" he shouted into the sky.

Vlad went back to the house and straight into bed that night. This time without Clairice. He then began to cry into his pillow. He cried and cried until he fell asleep. The next day he went to the proctologist as usual. But this time Clarice didn't tell him goodbye. He walked aimlessly for hours because he had just lost his love, again. That night, just as he was about to fall asleep, his Nokia flip-phone vibrated. He got a text from a mysterious number. It read: "If you want to see your lover, meet me at the parking lot of the local IHOP at 12:00. There we shall fight. If you win, I will return her, that is, if she wants you."

Part 6: The Beatdown/Massacre

The next day, Vlad did as the text instructed and arrived at the IHOP but there was no one there. He waited and waited until a van arrived in front of him. He saw four men come out, but none were Bruce Vivvas.

"Bruce Vivvas tell us to kick this gringo's ass." said a man in a pancho and a sombrero.

"You don't want to mess with Pancho Verde, I heard he was kicked out of pro wrestling for killing a man with only his right pinky toe and a taco." said Vlad's proctologist.

"Dr. P. Robe, why are you here?" asked Vlad.

"I'm sorry, but I found a better suited anus. Luckily your work wasn't in vain, I think." He then proceeded to pull out a stick that read: Proctolitor 2000. "I should also mention that all that money I gave you was monopoly money."

"Birry Bong!" shouted Billy as he scratched his head. They all charged at Vlad and pummeled him into the dirt while a Polynesian man sang in the background. Vlad instinctively crawled into a fetal position while he was pummeled for what seemed like hours. He emerged from the beatdown to discover another 2.5 foot rod in his anus and 4 tacos shoved down his throat. He began to feel the injuries on his body until he found a note.

"How is your-a-a anus feeling? I-a make sure they-a go extra hard…..get it. You are never-a-a getting Clairice back-a because she don't like you. And just in case you-a wonder who I am, just think me as-a-a-a ghost of your-a past. So long motha fucka-a-a-a!" Vlad then limped his way home using the same method that he used when returning from the proctologist. Humiliated, he attempted to sit on his couch and watched The Big Bang Theory for the next 8 hours, but he didn't get any of the jokes. He watched the show until he fell asleep, once again, alone, but this time, with a rod shoved up his ass.

Part 7: Don't Drop the Soap

The next day Vlad heard someone banging on the door.

"L.A.P.D!" came a voice, "GET YO BLACK ASS ON THE CURB!" Vlad opened the door, "Hello officers," even after all he went through he still tried acting cool with a rod up his ass.

"Oh, he's white. Call off the SWAT team!" one of the cops shouted to the others.

"Should we still arrest him?" replied the other cop.

"Mike Echo X-ray India, we got a stray import runnin' on the streets again," came a voice from his pager, "He's in the Taco Bell down the street. It would be nice if you didn't kill him like you did last time. We should try to get some intel on his import buddies."

"Screw this white boy! Let's catch us an illegal!" and with that the cops left. Vlad was confused, what did they want him for? Why was the L.A.P.D in New Jersey? Why were the Mexicans invading? Vlad put these questions off and started to sulk again at the thought of his lost love.

It was a few days later when a policeman came back to the house again.

"So… you're under arrest for the murder of that tall, ugly bitch or whatever."

"Isn't there something you need to tell me before you arrest me?"

"Oh yeah, Miranda Rights or something, nah, that's optional."

A few minutes later, Vlad found himself back in the police station with Jenson, the policeman who'd originally interrogated him. He finally got to the "good part" which involved copious amounts of beating and the tears of a little bitch. Jenson managed to get the confession out of Vlad in about 10 seconds, but still pummeled him for a few more minutes for the fun of it. Vlad was sent to the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women. The reason why Vlad was sent there was because Vlad was the biggest bitch that the police station had ever seen that they were afraid that sending him to a prison for men would be too hard on him.

Vlad arrived at the correctional facility at 9:30 AM. He was pushed through the holding cells and thrown into his own personal cell. Vlad noticed all of the girls around him and began to get thirsty.

"They must be so desperate," Vlad thought, "After all, they haven't seen a man for a long time." A smile grew on Vlad's face as he thought of all of the "street cred" he'd get for seducing an entire prison.

Vlad came up with the perfect plan to seduce everybody in the prison. He went up to a group of females and proceeded to say, "Hello ladies." Before Vlad knew it, he was eating concrete while his everything being beaten into mashed pudding. He saw guards laughing nearby and tried to reach out. He then realized that none of his body parts were working. He tried and tried again to get something to work, but to no avail.

It'd been about 15 minutes when the inmates had stopped beating "the bitch", as they now called him. Directly afterwards Vlad heard something over the intercom.

"Visitors for, Vlad I. Slov... the bitch" Vlad crawled his way toward the room in which conjugal visits were held. The person that he was looking at was not the one he'd wanted to see.

"I a-rike your new-a outfit….bitch"

That chinese accent, that nasal pubescent voice, that acne covered face, it was Bruce Vivvas.

"Why are you here!? Where is Clarice you prick!" Vlad shouted.

"Ohhh the-a bitch think he is-a good boyfriend. Rast time I-a check, you was a sucking the-a blood from the other woman."

It was true. Vlad was suddenly ridden with guilt.

"I don't-a even think she roves you any-a-more," a grin emerged on Bruce's chinky face, "Well too-da-loo mada fuckuououououo. I hope your daddy pay the bail rike-a rast time."

"That doesn't even make sense!" Vlad shouted as Bruce Vivvas exited the room.

Two men walked in, each wearing all black and looking much more formal than anyone he'd ever seen.

"Mr. Slov I believe?" one of the men asked, "My name is Julius Haywood and this is my partner, Palmer Reindel."

"And who are you supposed to be, fascist, socialist, Canadians who take all our freedom?" Vlad asked ignorantly. The two men looked at each other quizzically.

"How much is the chinese guy paying us again to kill this idiot?" Palmer whispered.

"There were a couple of zeroes" Julius replied. The two men shrugged and proceeded to take out two silenced beretta pistols out of their jackets simultaneously, one holding the gun in his right, and the other holding it in his left.

"Woah, woah, woah fellas!" Vlad said in his unique way. The two men didn't hesitate, and fired. Vlad's vampire powers were finally helpful in another way than healing wounds. As he screamed and dropped to the ground, the bullets just grazing his hair. Vlad ran out of the room and back into the main cell block. Looking behind him, he saw the two men chasing after him, clearly confused as to why Vlad wasn't dead.

"Leave me alone!" Vlad screamed to the men. The men continued shooting at Vlad. Vlad turned the corner and into a hallway with many different doors. He jumped into one and shut it.

"Crap, we lost him," Julius said.

"No shit Sherlock, he probably suited up as a guard, we should play it safe and kill all of them, now," The two men split up and headed to the armory and the cafeteria. They shot every guard in the head without a single miss and stained the rooms red.

'I'm heading to the Block A. You go to the boiler, he might be disguised as an engineer," Palmer shouted into his headset as he created another 15 widows.

"Got it," replied Julius. They proceeded to slaughter all the janitors, engineers, inmates, guards, and visitors.

"Oh my god, there are men chasing me, and not in the way I've been dreaming of since I was a little boy," Vlad thought.

"Who are you? Just leave me alone! I'm the warden, I'm not who you're looking for!" a man cried as he was in fetal position.

"Say what you want you ugly mother…" Julius then placed an RPG in his mouth and obliterated the warden's office, along with the warden's everything.

"Well done. Looks like we can report back to that chinky boy," said Palmer. They then looked out the window and saw Vlad creeping out of the room and back into the cell block. Tiptoeing down the block he saw the men high above in the warden's office.

"Don't tell me that's him," Palmer sighed.

"He's the only guy wearing a prison uniform," Julius replied.

"Fuck, you mean we killed those people for nothing?"

"It doesn't matter all that matters is the mission and our reward, besides, it was kind of fun."

Vlad began to run again and the two men shot out the bulletproof glass and jumped down and began firing at Vlad again. Vlad didn't notice that he was nearing the end of the cell block and only found out when he ate concrete again. He was getting very used to the taste.

"Why aren't you dead yet?" Julius yelled.

"You're filled with holes!" Palmer shouted. Vlad looked down to find that indeed, every bullet that the men had fired had hit their mark. When he looked up he saw that Julius had pulled out a FIM-92 Stinger portable infrared homing SAM designed for anti aircraft purposes.

"Knew this would come in handy somehow." Julius said as he aimed at Vlad. Vlad shit himself as Julius fired. He dived out of the way just before the wall exploded, only suffering minor 16th degree burns. But Vlad didn't mind that, he saw his way out of here. The newly created hole led right to the parking lot. The two men were reloading their guns. Running out to the parking lot he examined his choices. A ferrari bugatti was parked across the parking lot from him, the warden's mercedes benz, an armored prison bus, and some soccer mom's minivan. Vlad wasn't that stupid, he went for the logical choice. The minivan, because fuck soccer moms. The two men ran out of the prison into the parking lot and looked around, thinking about which car to shoot. They overestimated Vlad and started to shoot at the prison bus. Vlad found the keys in the glove box and put the them in the ignition. He drove away, leaving the two men completely flabbergasted.

Vlad swerved down the highway and the prison blew up behind him, killing hundreds more people. He started to think back to conversation that he had with Bruce Vivvas. Vlad couldn't think of losing his first love, he swore that he'd chase her to the ends of the earth until she loved him and that he'd love nobody else. There was only one to do that. Vlad had an objective, a mission… to kill that chinky motherfucker.

Part 8: Vladislov Strikes Back

Vlad found the nearest town and went to the nearest gun store to arm up. But because of recent gun bans, they only sold Nerf guns, but that would suffice, he remembered back to the nightclub, Nerf guns were dangerous. He then spent the remainder of Clarice's prostitute money on Yugioh cards so he could make his own army to combat against Bruce Vivvas. But to make an army, you need more than cards, you needed desperate nerds that are loyal to the end. He needed.. his 15 Youtube subscribers from his 9 year career as a Youtuber. He arranged a fan meet up at the internet cafe and got them all in on his plan.

"Any signs as to where he is?" asked Vlad while trying to act as cool as possible in an internet cafe filled with nerds.

"Uh he just got on Steam to play My Little Pony Fun Time. We can track him from his account." said one of the nerds, "So can I have that Blue Eyes?"

"Good," he said as he ignored the nerd. A few minutes later they were able to track Bruce Vivvas.

"Alright boys, we're heading to the Panda Express internet cafe." Said Vlad. They all charged out of the cafe and into the one literally right next door.

"Stop right there pizza face!" Vlad shouted. Bruce Vivvas spun around and replied,

"Oh you mean me. Just so you-a-a know, Clarice is-a-a chirrin' in my-a-a crib. Also, how did you a-survive the a-men I a sent to a-kirr you?" Before another word could be said, their armies clashed and a brawl ensued. Everyone fled the premises as Nerf darts flew across the cafe.

Pew pew pew pew. The sound of the metal springs releasing the foam darts filled up the room. Vlad was hiding behind an upturned table like a bitch while the other nerds mindlessly ran up and got shot. Basically, they got completely destroyed.

"Use a-a- the secret weapon!" shouted Bruce. The Panda Express Workers pulled out a bucket of teriyaki sauce and poured it all over the nerds. Most of them drowned in the sauce and survivors were too sticky to fight. But they didn't give up just yet. They began throwing dumplings in the middle of the battlefield. "No a-a resist the a dericous a-a….". Before he could finish all of his men leaped out of their cover and ran for the dumplings. Because of this Vlad's men began to push and they forced Bruce Vivvas to run.

"He's getting away!" Vlad shouted. Bruce ran to his Ching Chong Supa Car and began to speed through the streets.

"I-a-a, need-a backup now!" Bruce Vivvas screamed into a walkie talkie. Then Bruce looked behind him and saw Vlad in his own minivan. Vlad pressed on the pedal as hard as he could and began to slow down.

"Hold it right there gringo!" Vlad looked up and saw a man flying on a sombrero glide through the sky. He landed on the street and threw Vlad's car into an alleyway.

"Ha guess where I-a got him. Mexico!" he began cracking up to his first racist joke.

"Yo tengo hambre," Vlad's attacker said as he smashed Vlad's car into a metal pancake. He then pulled Vlad out punched him in the stomach knocking him onto the ground and relieving Vlad of a decent amount of his blood. Vlad got a good view at his attacker and realized who was assaulting him. The man's muscles rippled underneath his ragged clothes and a plain sombrero on his head. There was an amazing mustache on his fruit orange face but the most prominent feature was the man's green pancho. It was the man, the myth, the legend, the one and only… Pancho Verde. At that moment, Vlad knew he was doomed. Nobody could go against the unstoppable Mexican power of Pancho Verde, except maybe for the border patrol.

"You are a dead American now!" But before Pancho Verde could get a second hit off, he heard sirens in the background.

"Passo-puerto! Passo-puerto!" shouted a man wearing a cowboy hat and a green uniform. Pancho Verde's eyes widened and he threw his sombrero into the air like a kite and began to soar away, like a majestic, poncho wearing eagle. A bunch of cars drove up and the bullets started flying everywhere. Pancho Verde did his best to dodge through the bullets, evading each one the best he could. But eventually a bullet hit his flying sombrero and the legend fell to the earth. The men who were shooting at him ran over to him, unloaded the rest of their clips into him, and began to kick his corpse.

"I'm bringing yo ass back to Guatemala and there I will show all of your immigrino buddies what happens to Mexis that do not obey the law amigo." said a man. But then he realized that Pancho Verde was beyond dead and returned to their cars. They drove away, searching for any more Mexi imports. Vlad picked himself off the ground. He got up to see hundreds of mexicans emerge from the sewers, alleyways, trash cans. A man then walked to Pancho Verde's corpse and began to cry.

"Mi-mi-mi hermano, Pancho Verde, es muerto. POR QUUUUUEEE!" The man then took Pancho Verde's pancho and put it on. Surprisingly, the pancho wasn't damaged, but the blood had stained it completely red. He took the poncho and wore it like a cape.

"Yo soy Pancho Rojo, y le haré justicia mi hermano." said the man. The other Mexicans began cheer and then looted Pancho Verde's body. Vlad didn't have time for this, he was focused on killing Bruce Vivvas. Maybe if he killed him, he would win back the love of Clarice. He thought about her, and considered jacking the beanstalk right then and there, but he remembered that he had a mission. He desperately tried to resist the temptation, but in the end, he gave in. Two seconds later, after he'd finished, Vlad noticed the most beautiful bike he'd ever seen. A pink twinkle princess fairy bike made for girls 4 years and younger. Vlad decided that this would be the perfect replacement to his destroyed car. Armed with only his wits and the sexiest bike he had ever seen, Vlad set off, ready for whatever faced him. Unfortunately, what he was not ready for was a piece of glass in the road. The tire blew open and after a few hours of hard and grueling repair work, Vlad set off again, this time on foot.

Vlad had finally managed to crawl to his destination that was approximately half a mile away. He knew that this was the place from the disgustingly strong scent of lotion and soy sauce. Vlad got out his two Nerf pistols and prepared for the ultimate fight. He decided to scout the place out. He looked through each of the windows and didn't see anything notable for the first few ones. The last window scarred Vlad for life. As he peeked through, he began to cry again. It was Bruce Vivvas on a leather sofa, and in his arms, Clarice, the love of Vlad's life. Bruce Vivvas was talking to her and Clarice seemed to be reading a book. But despite her not looking at all interested in Bruce Vivvas, the sight of Clarice in the hands of that chink horrified him. He then fainted.

He woke up in the same place where he fell. Aparently tons of people walked by and none of them gave enough of a shit to call an ambulance. He then picked himself up and found a note on his body. Bruce Vivvas was aware of his actions. The note read:

"TOUCHDOWN! Yea that's right I learn to American. It impress her." This only salted the wound in Vlad's heart. He then proceeded to return to the local TV store and watch The Notebook for his 27th time.

Part 9: The "L-Word"

"Why?... The one time I found true love, it's torn away from me and put in the hands of that FUCKING BRUCE VIVVAS!" thought Vlad. He realized it was hopeless and he walked down the empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams.

He heard a voice down the street. It was the plea of a man who's cried the same tears as Vlad.

"No Courtney! Please don't leave me for Chet. I've changed, baby please!"

"No it's over Brad!" she then hung up while he was still crying.

"Poor guy," Vlad thought, "He didn't deserve it." Vlad suddenly had the totally heterosexual urge to just walk over there and hold him in his arms as they discussed their feelings, but he ignored this feeling, knowing that he'd probably scare this Brad guy away… just like he did to Clarice. He continued walking and the sound of an acoustic guitar accompanied by a voice douchier than the douchiest skater douche in all of UCLA broke the silence of the street. He was wearing a heart costume and had the typical asshole haircut. His horrid singing stopped and he approached Vlad.

"Brah, why are you alone brah? Brah, it's Couples' Day brah. Brah? Brah?" He said in the most bro-like voice.

"Great," Vlad thought. Not only did he lose the love of his life, but now he had to endure another 37 stabs to his chest.

Vlad walked past him, trying to keep his face hidden to prevent a repeat of the events that happened a year ago.

"Don't be so down, you'll find her- PPffffffffffffffff!" skater douche burst out into laughter, "Nevermind, dude. You're ugly as fuck! Hey everyone, lets stab this dude for being ugly!" Soon a crowd gathered around, all of them carrying shivs. Vlad looked him in the eye.

"I'll defy you, heart man!" he then lunged at him and prepared to strangle him with his own intestines. But since Vlad sucks at life, he got shoved and stabbed 37 times in the chest… again.

"I'm having the weirdest sense of deja-vu." Now with Vlad bleeding out on the solid concrete, the crowd disperses and the douche bag leans in to talk to him.

"Dude, why can't you just feel the love?" and with that, Heart Man proceeded to leave.

"D-Don't say the L-word," Vlad was struggling for air but had just enough to get his attention. "It...It hurts me…. ON THE INSIDE!"

And with that, his vision went black.

Part 10: My Long Lost Friend

Vlad recovered from the incident, for he was a vampire with super natural healing abilities. But his abilities could not heal the holes in his heart. He drifted from location to location, never giving up on the mission at hand.

One night, he slept in a garbage can outside of Bruce Vivvas' house, crying softly in the moonlight. Vlad didn't know what to think, Clarice still loved him right? She had to! He was the only option for her. But, it really seemed to Vlad that she was in love with Bruce Vivvas. He tried to complete the mission but the pain in his heart was too much. He then fainted again and woke up the next day. When he woke up he looked into the window and saw nothing.

"They must have left," Vlad thought. He mustered up the courage to walk in. The place was dominated by the scent of soy sauce and body lotion despite the multiple febreze air fresheners. All of furniture was removed except for the bookshelf. Out of curiosity Vlad began to fiddle through the shelf. He found various chinese books and soy sauce coupons. He then picked up a picture from the bookshelf.

"Oh this looks oddly familiar," he muttered. He then discarded it without a second thought but then realized what he'd done. "Wait why is that year book there? Isn't that from my high school?" he exclaimed out loud, despite no body being in the room. Then a flood of memories came back to him. "So it is you, Ching Lang Bao," he said beneath his breath. Vlad finally knew why Bruce Vivvas was going after him, or now who he knew who he actually was, Ching Lang Bao, the really awkward asian kid, and Vlad's best and only friend.

Vlad remembered back to his high school years, back to when it happened. Ching Lang Bao was the second most half-witted, awkward, nerdy, plebian kid in high school. The first was Vlad, except Ching Lang Bao wasn't a retard. Vlad could still remember the first time they met. He was playing Minecraft in the computer lab and he suddenly appeared.

"A-a-a-a hello-a-a my name is a Ching Lang Bao." Everyone began to laugh because they had never seen an asian before. They began calling him names and proceeded to beat him up. As they left Vlad stared into his eyes in a totally not gay way, Vlad hated gay people. Those eyes, he had the same eyes as him. The eyes of a lonely guy, desperate for some pussy that he'd never ever, and I mean ever, get. Vlad helped Ching off the ground and invited him to sit next to him for lunch. That was when a beautiful friendship emerged. They sat with each other everyday and soon became close friends. They were always last pick for dodge ball and hung out in the computer lab together. Every day they would show each other their Yugioh card collections and eat lunch alone next to the dumpster. Ching would teach Vlad about his Chinese card games and Vlad would teach him how to be "funny". They were the perfect match.

Vlad remembered when they used to sit next to each other on the bench during the school dances. He could still remember the Polynesian man that the school always hired as a performer. They both had a common interest in a woman. Her name was Amy Huang. She was the most beautiful woman either of them had met. Although they never talked to her or admitted their love. They knew they loved the same woman. This was the first rift in their soon to be scarred friendship.

"I-a think I a-found a engrish name that I-a rike," Ching Lang Bao always wanted to fit in with the Americans. "How does-a Andrew Xie a-sound?"

"No thats too boring How about Jonah Hill?"

"J-j-jona-a-h I can't pronounce. How about just-a-a Ching?"

"DO YOU WANNA STAY A FUCKIN CHINK FOREVER YOU DUMPLING EATING PIECE OF SHIT."

"Ha ha, that's-a true. I-I'll think of-a another one."

"Whatever a name can come later. What matters is our prom. So who are you asking."
"Oh-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a..."

"Amy," Vlad interrupted.

"Oh-a-a-a how do you-a-a know that-a-a you a stalker!" Ching giggled at his completely unfunny and stupid remark.

"No dude, she's just so fucking hoooooooooooot." Ching looked at him in a manner in which Vlad had never seen before. Vlad wasn't sure if he could still trust him. Then again he didn't pose much competition. He decided to let that slide.

"Oh-a-a there she-a is!" Ching pointed at an Asian girl. "A-a Vladislov how do you-a talk to-a the-a girls?"

"Here, I'll show you a trick that never fails." Vlad proceeded to walk over to her.

"VAGINA," he shouted directly into her ear as loud as he could. Amy literally jumped as blood spouted out of her ear. Ching began to crack up in the background, but Amy's response was not as positive. She whipped around and slapped Vlad across the room into the punch bowl. Everyone began to laugh and Vlad became embarrassed.

"A-a-Vlad, I think it-a is my turn." Amy heard this and started glaring at Ching. Both Vlad and Ching pissed themselves and grew one inch punches, or erections in layman's terms. Amy ran at the two boys and proceeded to drop kick them straight through the ceiling. That was his best memory with her. Even though that was embarrassing, it was the first time they bonded, they were like brothers.

The rest of the school year was the same forgettable routine that he settled into everyday. Wake up, go to school, jerk it, play minecraft, attempt school, rant about the injustices that heterosexuals are facing, and then stare at the love of his life at track practice. Ching's common interest in her still didn't bother Vladislov too much. He still believed that he wouldn't hinder his "progress". Life was good, until senior prom.

It was right before the big dance, and Vlad knew everything about all Amy's whereabouts and knew that she wasn't going with anyone. It was his time to strike. However, right before he could awkwardly approach her and attempt to introduce his name through rigorous "V"s, Simon Hwang, the most stereotypical korean looking guy who played saxophone and was a prick beyond all measure, interrupted Vlad's attempt at love and cut him off right in front of Amy.

"Yo mama!" he used as a technique to pump himself up. Simon had a weird thing with moms.

"Hey there sweet cheeks," said Simon with a strangely arousing pose to Vlad, "Ya know where ya goin tonight?"

"Um.. no?" Amy replied.

"Well I do," the fakest smile cracked on Simon's face, "You, me tha prom."

"Okay, whatever," she said in an uninterested, monotonous tone.

A pillar of rage surged through Vlad's body. How dare that D-Bag take his girl. In a desperate attempt to look tough to win her back, he shouted in the most cringy, pubescent voice with about fifty voice cracks, "Hey Buddy!" Simon turned around.

"You leave her alone, and we won't have any problems, ok?!" he demanded.

"I'll treat any woman how I want, get on yo knees woman," Simon exclaimed.

"Why did I agree to go to prom with you again?" Amy said exasperated.

"Stop being an objectophiliac and fight me!" Vlad screamed into Simon's face, saliva flying everywhere and with that.

"Oh god, I hate all of you," Amy muttered. Vlad was knocked unconscious and fell to the floor and woke up just in time for the dance. He was dressed in an Abercrombie hoodie, baggy sweats, and crocs with fuckin stickers on them holy shit what a fuckin scrub HAHAHAHAHA. I mean, crocs? Cmon, don't tell me that's not hilarious? No? Ok... But since he was completely unaware of his appearance, he headed for the the auditorium where the prom was being held.

"Oh-a a hello-a-a-a Vladislov." It was Ching. Vlad completely ignored him and ran towards the middle of the auditorium where Amy was. Careless Whisper was playing, but he didn't know from where. He turned to the stage and saw Simon on his alto sax playing the song and humping the air. All the girls were begging for more except Amy, who was in the corner sitting with an uninterested look on her face. Simon then got off to prepare for the last slow dance.

Ching, still confused about why Vlad ignored him, followed him into the fray. There, he found Vlad standing right in the middle of the dance floor.

"A-a why do you-a reave me rike-a that?" he asked. Then he realized. They both looked over and saw Amy slow dancing with Simon.

"CHING CHONG BING BONG!" he was cursing in Chinese. Before Vlad could stop him, Ching charged over to the two.

"Konoha, DAI SENPUU!" he spin kicked Simon square in the jaw. Simon was knocked to the ground.

"This'll take a sec," Simon said to Amy. He then strangled Ching until he lost consciousness.

The next day, Ching woke up in the same place along with a bunch of other kids who partied too hard and got drunk off of gatorade and water. Vlad was waiting for him the whole night.

"Let's get you home buddy."

The next three days were like normal, but somehow even sadder. It was the middle of math class when the loudspeaker blared, "Mister um.. Ching… La- the chinky kid! Get your ass over here this instant." Ching walked nervously to the office, Vlad followed behind him.

In the office, Vlad could hear the principal talking with an angry adult over the phone.

"YOUR INSTITUTION HAS TURNED MY CHILD INTO A MEXICAN!"

"WHAT?!" shouted the principle, "You mean my fine, AMERICAN, learning institution is creating Mexis!? BULLSHIT!"

"Oh yeah? How bout I give you some evidence! Son, get your Mexican ass over here! Tell me what you said at precisely 3:30 when I was in the middle of watching Border Patrol!"

"I said, bonjour papa."

"Oh my god… this is worse than I first thought, I'm deeply sorry about your loss. I thought our school abolished Mexican class in 1988, how could-"

"It was that Mr. Mendez. Ya know, the janitor."

"THAT BASTARD! Brainwashing the minds of our youth. I'll have him exported immediately. Thank you for bringing this to my attention but, as for your son…"

"Yea I know, I already bought him a one-way flight to Mexico. I really wish it wouldn't have ended up this way, but unfortunately, the next time we meet will be on the battlefield."

"Again, I'm sorry for your loss. But you served our country well. Ya know, it's hard to see your son become like that…." and with that he burst into tears. After about 15 minutes of crying, the principal put down the phone and turned to Ching.

"Oh, right you're here. Mister... um..um well listen chinky boy. I heard that you attacked a good ol' fashioned assimilated Americhink with one of your communist ching chong, kung fu kicks. I also heard reports that you were chanting anti-American propaganda like, CHING CHONG BING BONG FRIED RICE. Now we don't need any more commies in this world. Either you assimilate like that Simon kid or go back to Nam!"

"I'm-a-a….."

"Don't tell me this chinky import doesn't know how to speak American. You know what you're expelled! Now get your ass back to Gooo-watamala or what ever Arab country you're from."

Ching then decided to be badass or at least what he thought was badass and kicked the principle.

"Ahhhh the Aarab hit me! Call the police, were sending this kid to Guantanamo!"

Vlad ran out of his hiding spot where he was listening in on the conversation. He tried to catch up to Ching as he was being taken away.

"Chiiiiiiiiing!" Vlad then fell to the ground crying. "He was like a brother to me!" The memories ended and Vlad began to cry.

"Ching, why-why-would you do this? How could you sink so low!" Vlad shouted into the sky after his revelation. He then broke down like a pussy cried for hours.

Part 11: Tequila Mockingbird

After recovering from little bitch cry-baby mode, Vlad wiped away the last of the tears and thought about his next course of action. Bruce Vivvas burst in through the door.

"AH! What-a are you-a doing in here!" Vlad was surprised, what time was it? How long had he been in here?

"Ah, so you-a know now, yes it-a is I, Ching Lang Bao." Vlad still didn't believe it, his old friend, now stealing his love? How could this be happening?

"Ya that's true, and now it is-a time to die Mr. Vlad I. Slov," Bruce Vivvas pulled out a Nerf gun and fired. It bounced off of Vlad and knocked him back to his senses. Bruce Vivvas then fled to his minivan, driving off into the distance. Vlad needed to know what happened to create Bruce Vivvas. He sought to talk first not fight. He was thinking about this while he futilely chased after the van. Luckily, the van stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, Bruce Vivvas always obeyed traffic laws. This was his chance. However, right before he could catch up, a crowd of screaming people running away from an unknown force cut him off. Vlad then saw an extremely ripped Mexican man wearing a bloodstained poncho.

"Para mi hermano!" Vlad recognized that voice from somewhere, but to Vlad all Mexicans kind of sounded the same, they sounded like imports. A large explosion prompted Vlad to turn his head to the source. That's when he realized who this was. The man was standing on top of a blown up car, red poncho billowing in the wind and a large sombrero on his head, Pancho Rojo. Vlad attempted to quickly sneak by, for he was in the middle of an "intense" chase.

"You!" Pancho Rojo turned around and stared Vlad in the eye. All of a sudden, the sounds of screaming people faded and tumbleweed drifted by the road. "You were there at el muerte de mi hermano! You were his target, so now you are mine. I cannot let mi hermano's work go in vain, I will finish what he started, prepare to DIE!" Vlad knew that this was no man to be trifled with, he was of the Pancho family. But Vlad also knew that this wasn't Pancho Verde, so he would be a lot easier to fight. Pancho Rojo picked up a jeep and threw it at Vlad.

"Holy shit!" Vlad yelled as he dodged out of the way behind a garbage can.

"I am powered by El Fuego de México! (lots of steroids) I am invincible, gringo!" Vlad realized then and there that being the successor of a Pancho means that you must be stronger than the Pancho in order to tame it. This threw a wrench in Vlad's plan and he couldn't dodge it. He needed to somehow bypass this man in order to continue pursuing Bruce Vivvas. Vlad leaped from his hiding spot and started to run past Pancho Rojo. He was met with an 18 wheeler to the face.

"Why are you even trying gringo? You couldn't even kill a fly!" Vlad wiped the blood from his everything and thought of another plan. This time, he jumped from the other side of the garbage can, and an airplane proceeded to disintegrate his lower half of his body.

"AAHHHHHHHHH!" Vlad yelled. Pancho Rojo didn't say anything. Vlad attempted to drag his upper half out from behind the garbage can.

"Ha, look at you, so weak and pathetic, can't even take a few Mexican wounds!" Vlad looked at his lower half a few feet away.

"I don't need to deal with you. Now I see how feeble your country is. The Mexican revolution will happen soon, your country's lineage wiped away. Be ready to be reverse-assimilated American." With this, Poncho Rojo grabbed a wing of the plane, tossed it like a frisbee, jumped to it, grabbed it, and flew away. Vlad reached for the Mexican and passed out in the middle of the parking lot where a bunch of police cars and ambulances drove over to the site. As his vision was fading, he saw the paramedics looking for survivors, then he blacked out.

Part 12: The "Hero's" Comeback

Vlad woke up in a cluttered basement with computers and wires shoved in every corner. There was a great commotion going on on the other side of the computer monitors.

"Should we give them the swag!?" came a voice from the computer. "Let's give em the swag!"

It was Vlad's original task force that helped him on his first attempt at defeating Bruce Vivvas. Half of them were cheering wildly while the others were sitting in the corner crying at the loss of their favorite League of Legends Team.

"Oh shit, the prick's alive!" shouted one of the nerds.

"It's been a while, Vlad," said Shawn. Shawn was the leader of the task force, the dungeon master of their Dungeons and Dragons sessions, their League of Legends team's mid laner, and their designated quick scoper, basically the coolest guy Vlad knew. Vlad was amazed by the loyalty of his group that he left for dead at the battle in the cafe.

"What, you thought we'd just leave you? Remember, we had a deal. We help you get your girl, and you give us your Blue Eyes White Dragon."

"Oh I forgot about that," replied Vlad. "You know what, lemme give you my whole collection as a reward, I don't need Yugioh anymore." Vlad added, trying to be cool. He soon regretted it and cried a little on the inside.

"Sweeet!" they all shouted.

"It's been two weeks since you passed out, and judging by our intel gathered from his My Little Pony Fun Time play sessions, we can deduce that he is staying in a compound with very good wifi and that he is somewhere in Camden, New Jersey," Shawn explained, "That basically leaves the only nice part of the city, the aquarium."

They were in business. All that was left was training Vlad to become the hero that he was destined to be, Vlad the Love Vampire (Cue the training montage)

Risin up, back on the streets... Ok, in all seriousness, Vlad lifted a few 1-pound dumbbells and drank a few energy drinks for a few weeks. He was eventually able to reach the average mile time of an obese 3rd grader.

"Are you ready!?" Shawn shouted into Vlad's face.

'Yea I'm ready!" shouted Vlad

"You gonna rek that n00b?!"

"Damn right I am!"

"Lets do the oath" Shawn said.

"Nothing is true and everything is permitted," they all said in unison. This was their celebration of Vlad's achievement. They were in the Panda Express Internet Cafe and were having their last meeting before the invasion. Everything was in place. They had a well thought out plan, a badass team, and a nice hideout, all that they needed was some bitches. Sadly though, Clarice was the only girl that Vlad knew so that aspect of their celebration was ruined.

"Alright, lets do one more review of the plan," Shawn said as he opened up his computer simulation software, "Here is the central building for the aquarium, In order to engage from the best angle, we'll need to go through the sea turtle exhibit to reach the far entrance of the food court. I suspect there will be guards posted at most of the choke points leading there. In order to bypass them, one of us'll need to dress as workers at the aquarium. We can jump one of the workers working the morning shift, it ends at 12:00 P.M. The rest of us will have to squeeze in a box so I can pass through without raising any suspicion. We've got a strict time frame. We need to attack when he's getting lunch at the Taste of China located right here," Shawn pointed to it on the map of the aquarium, "Once we're in, we'll all get out of the box and sneak attack him from behind. Erique, you'll be the tank, you'll take the shots while we provide cover. Geoffry, you bring the heal spells. If all goes as planned, we'll subdue Bruce Vivvas and interrogate him for Clarice."

"Sound like a plan?" Shawn turned to the rest of the group.

"FUCK YEAHHH!" they all shouted in their pre-pubescent nerd voices.

Part 13: The White Knights of Camden

The next day, they embarked on their journey to Camden. They traveled in a pack of 4 minivans and arrived at the city in 40 minutes. Vlad looked out the window.

"There sure are a lot of black people here," thought Vlad. He instinctively rolled down his window and played loud hip-hop music to try to fit in. It seemed to work until a large African-American specimen approached him at a red light. He was saying something but Vlad couldn't hear it over the "Ass ass booty on the dancefloor" coming from his radio. Vlad turned it down and heard what the thing was saying.

"Imma jack up yo car fool!" This scared Vlad shitless and he floored it. He hit the cars in front of him and stirred a lot of commotion in the area.

"Fuck you, ya honkey ass piece of shit, damn!" said an angered black man. Vlad looked behind him and saw that he had hit several black pedestrians.

"Well there's no turning back now," And with that he continued en route to the aquarium.

After about a minute of driving, he noticed one of his tires was going flat.

"Could that be what that man meant?" thought Vlad. He quickly dismissed his thought though. He knew for a fact that all black people were evil. Vlad and company had up to the aquarium and looked at the fairly impressive building.

"Apparently the creator of this place bought the plot of land for twenty cents," Shawn said to Vlad, "pretty hefty price for anywhere in Camden." Vlad nodded and started to walk towards it.

"Woah, woah, woah pimple face!" Shawn shouted to Vlad using his equally pimply face, "We have to scout the area out, don't get too excited." Vlad gritted his teeth. He needed to get in there and kill that chinky motherfucker. Vlad fiddled with his Nerf gun for a few minutes in anticipation, waiting for the scouts to report back.

"Oh wait, there are no scouts, all of us are actually unable to do any sort of physical activity," Shawn remembered. Vlad fumed at Shawn and considered shooting him in the face. Vlad was pretty sure that shooting Shawn's fleshy face would sustain a lot of damage from the Nerf bullet impact. As he was thinking about this Shawn suited up as an aquarium employee and wheeled out a box.

"Ok Vlad, your only job besides killing Bruce Vivvas is to take a guard out with my carefully selected elite team," Shawn said. Vlad looked to Shawn's right and saw the "elite team". There were four of them, all overweight guys, except for the one who was morbidly obese. They all wore the same outfit, a Minecraft t-shirt with khaki short-shorts and carried Nerf machine guns.

"This team… this team… is perfect!" Vlad exclaimed. They all saluted, except for the obese one who just breathed heavily and tried to raise his arm. They all went toward the back of the aquarium to see if anyone was loading any cargo. To their luck, there was. It was an old black man who could barely lift the boxes of illegally imported fish, this would be easy. Vlad commanded them the nerds to aim at the man and then yelled "FIRE!" at the top of his lungs. The old man looked toward the direction of the voice, dropped the box of fish he was carrying, and stood up straight. The nerds fired and the old man flexed and all his muscles rippled. Each gargantuan tendon caught a bullet and then the old man flexed again. The bullets disintegrated.

"Ohhhhh, you honkeys fucked up now. I'm an undercover security guard, and you, are fucked," the old man said in an unnaturally deep voice. The nerds started to run, except for the obese one who just tried to waddle away, but he was picked up in the tree trunks that the old man had for arms.

"Damn you white boy is heavy, and you make my eyes hurt. But that ain't stoppin me from KILLIN' YO ASS!" Vlad looked back in the direction of the screaming just in time to see the obese child explode into a red mist. Out of the mist, the old man emerged, once again running. The nerds plus Vlad continued screaming in fear as the old man got closer and closer. But then something that sounded like stumbling was heard behind Vlad and he looked behind once again. The old, black man had fell over and was wheezing and clutching his chest. He was having a heart attack because he was old, yeah, when you're old you're guaranteed to have random heart attacks. It isn't old age that kills you, it's random heart attacks.

Vlad and the remaining "elite team" returned to Shawn who had managed to shove the rest of the nerds in the 4 ft. by 5 ft. box.

"Alright Vlad, it's time for you to be shoved in a tiny place with a bunch of men. Your dream come true," Shawn mocked.

"Shut the hell up Shawn! I'm straight, I'm 100% straight!" Vlad shouted indignantly, but in reality Vlad was looking forward to the experience. Vlad climbed in the box with a small smile on his face. Shawn went into the aquarium and headed directly towards the Taste of China.

Part 14: Asian Invasion

Shawn entered the food court and saw his target, an asian man with pimples all over his face. He was eating an egg roll and was rubbing his face with acne cream.

"Hello chink, special delivery for Taste of China!" Shawn yelled. The box opened and all of the nerds jumped out onto the asian guy. He yelped as he was crushed by literal tons of overweight guys. Nearby at another table another asian with even more acne looked at the scene.

"A-a, what is-a going on here?" Bruce Vivvas asked.

"Damn! Wrong asian!" Shawn yelled, "All of you chinks look the same!"

"A-A-Attack my asian-a friends!" Bruce Vivvas screamed. All the other asians looked at Bruce Vivvas, laughed, then began to fight.

"Erique initiate!" shouted Shawn.

"Uh yes sir" Erique responded. He then charged towards his enemies as the darts bounced off of blubbery flesh.

"He's not dying" shouted one of Bruce Vivvas's men.

"You guys useress, I a-take him my-a-self!" Bruce Vivvas was frustrated. He then jumped in between his forces and Erique. "Take-a this you lard! Konoha, DAI SENPUU!" his spin kick was better than ever. He sent Erique flying as he smashed through the railing of the balcony, leading him into a shark tank that was left open for some reason.

"Blub blub blub," those were his last words. The caretakers never had to feed those sharks again. Erique's best pal, Geoffrey, witnessed the whole thing.

"Agh... agh…. agh… AGHHHHHH!" Geoffrey was clutching his head as he thrashed with rage. " He was my support, he was my sniper, we mined diamonds together, he was… MY BEST FRIEND, AND YOU'LL PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" and then he turned into a Super Saiyan. Or at least in his imagination, in reality he was just standing in the middle of the room screaming. Geoffrey charged at Bruce Vivvas.

"A-a-Rasengan!" Bruce Vivvas screamed as a blue ball appeared in his hand. In his imagination of course. But despite that, Geoffrey was launched across the room and his face conveniently fell into an open fryer in the KFC across from the Taste of Asia.

The fighting was brutal, and both sides were low on ammo. When they ran out, they resorted to hand to hand combat. They charged at each other and attempted to imitate kung fu moves they have seen on various mangas. But in reality they just flailed around like fuckin' morons, patheticly slapping each other while spinning to make themselves look cooler. The people in the food court watched and filmed the fight as they laughed. Just when they thought the battle was nearing an end, 2 men in suits crashed through the display's gigantic window causing glass to rain on both sides, causing the first real injuries in the battle.

"Hey Julius, it's him!" shouted Palmer while he pointed at Vlad.

"The one got away," Julius replied.

"We gotta kill him before the chinky guys do, the contract is still on!" Palmer shouted. The two men began running towards Vlad, but then Julius remembered something.

"Wait, hold up. Mother fucker! We were paid in advance!" Julius then began shooting at both sides. Palmer shrugged and followed Julius' example.

"Holy shit they have real guns!" Shawn shouted as blood splattered on every surface. Both sides were slaughtered to the sound of the two hitmen's psychotic laughter.

"Birry Bong!" shouted Bruce Vivvas, "Make-a-a a smoke screen! We-a have to-a retreat." Bruce Vivvas began to run out of the aquarium and Vlad got up to chase him.

"Birry Bong!" Billy Bong shouted. Billy Bong then jumped out of cover and began furiously scratching his head, harder than he had ever before. Nerds starting falling down left and right and Julius and Palmer put on gas masks. Billy Bong continued scratching, determined to make his foes choke. Then Billy Bong fell. Julius and Palmer looked at each other, confused.

"You wanna check on him?" Julius asked.

"Fuck that, just look at him. He's so… fleshy," Palmer replied.

"Fine, if you're gonna be a bitch and… actually I don't want to touch that either."

"Then what the fuck are we going to do?" Palmer asked. Julius paused for a few seconds and reluctantly stepped over a couple of dead nerds to get to Billy Bong.

"You fucking owe me man, I get most of the pay for this one," Julius said. Julius pulled out some surgical gloves and reached under the layers of flab on Billy Bong's neck to check for a pulse.

"Oh, fuck my life... he's dead!" Julius shouted to Palmer. He turned over his head and a pile of dandruff poured out of his throat.

"Yeah he's definitely dead," said Julius.

"What do we do now?"

"The only thing we can do, shoot up the rest of the aquarium," They then proceeded to shoot the remaining living nerds and the asians as well as innocent people just because fuck humans. This fight dragged on for so long that they developed a scoring system. Innocent civilians would be worth 1 point, nerds and asians worth 2, and people who were actually notable were worth 3. They could get score multipliers by ricocheting bullets off of walls and getting collaterals. This was made especially easy because of all the bulletproof windows surrounding the fish since this was the most ghetto city in New Jersey. In the end, Julius got 1,423,564 points and Palmer got 1,416,102 points, it was a very close game. They both walked out of the now painted completely red aquarium and decided to go home after a fun and satisfying day.

Part 15: I Live My Life a Quarter Meter at a Time

A few minutes before the massacre started, Vlad chased Bruce Vivvas through the aquarium, leaving the gunshots far behind him.

"CHIIIINK!" Vlad screamed toward Bruce. Bruce Vivvas looked behind him, startled that he was being pursued. They both exited the food court and Bruce Vivvas beelined towards the sea turtle exhibit.

"He's going for the exit!" thought Vlad. "I have to cut him off!" Vlad used to go to to the aquarium a lot when he was but a little lad. He knew all the routes and took a left towards the hippo exhibit. He was going to cut him off at the touch tanks. Meanwhile, Bruce Vivvas, thinking that Vlad was just a retard, which he is but you know what I mean, continued en route to the main exit. However, he was shocked to find Vlad at the touch tanks, holding a sea cucumber in his hand, blocking the exit route. Right as he prepared to swing it at Bruce Vivvas he heard loud shouting from across the room.

"LEAVE RUFUS ALONE!" It was one of the numerous "Big Black Joe" employees that seemed to dominate the workforce here.

"E-e-e-e-eeerrrrr," Vlad squealed. Bruce Vivvas took advantage of this opportunity. While Vlad apologized to the "Big Black Joe" and begged for forgiveness, Bruce Vivvas pulled out a map and found an alternate escape route that exits through the gift shop.

"To-da-loo motha fuckaaaa!" He shouted as he ran in the opposite direction. Vlad realized that his target was getting away and darted past the "Big Black Joe" towards the exit.

"GET YO ASS BACK HERE HONKEY!" the black guy screamed. Vlad continued chasing Bruce Vivvas.

"Get-a away from-a me Mistuh, uhh, white man!" Bruce Vivvas yelled back. Vlad ran as fast as he could, at a blazing speed of 0.53 miles per hour. Vlad started to sweat, and then the memories kicked in. Vlad remembered when he and Ching Lang Bao used to play a game called "Sexy Tag". I really don't want to explain this one, once again for the sake of decency. This caused Vlad to run faster fo dat booty. They ran outside into the rain and into the familiar noises of Camden gang wars. Vlad was getting really close to Bruce Vivvas.

"A-a-a screw-a you Vlad!" Bruce Vivvas yelled to his pursuer. A bunch of asians used their ninja teleportation technique to transport in front of Vlad. Vlad got into his white boy stance while the asians took out their katanas. Vlad didn't say anything to his enemies, as he knew that they wouldn't be able to understand english. They all jumped at him and Vlad realized how stupid he was for trying to fight multiple people with weapons bare handed. All of the katanas hit their mark, but bounced off of Vlad's skin.

"Holy crap I'm awesome!" Vlad exclaimed. Then he looked at the katanas more closely and realized that they were fake and bought at the dollar store. Why Vlad didn't notice this immediately is beyond me. After feeling stupid for a few seconds Vlad just ran past the ninjas and back towards Bruce Vivvas.

"You guys-a-a suck. I get him myself." Bruce Vivvas then ran towards the nearby Ching Chong Lotion Palace Motel. Vlad chased him even faster because he now has a chance to see more desperate asian girls, but Bruce Vivvas was also excited so their speed boosts cancelled out. Bruce Vivvas bursted through the hotel lobby and resisted being distracted by the plethora of desperate and middle aged asian women. Vlad followed him in and did the same. They then both froze when they saw that the spa doors were open.

"So many unattractive women…" Vlad thought to himself. They both fought vigorously to resist but eventually fell into temptation. Bruce Vivvas then decided to run through the spa and take another route. Vlad followed and took pictures of the almost naked elderly asian women with his Nokia flip phone. They then ran up the stairs until they reached the roof.

Part 16: The Fight of the Dynasty

"Foolish-a american, you have-a activated my-a-a-a trap card," Bruce Vivvas then pulled out his premium Yugioh card. Vlad's eyes widened when he saw it.

"No it's the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon card I've spent my whole life looking for!"

"Yes-a Vlad I. Slov. It's the card we have a been talking-a-a about when we were-a-a wee little-a-a saplings." This enraged Vlad.

"Give me that card Ching," Vlad then charged at Bruce, but before Vlad could stop him, Bruce Vivvas ate the card and the transformation began. His acne began glowing and his body began to blister. There was a red aura around him that made small bumps grow on everything he touched. Robes the color of pus materialized on Bruce's body.

"Vlad, you are a no match for the-a-a-Acne Wizard!" Bruce Vivvas put his hand in his sleeve and pulled out a gun with pimples all over it.

"It is-a all over a-now," he said with a smirk.

"Fight me like a man!" Vlad shouted, feeling really ballsy for some reason. All of a sudden, a rather feminine voice came.

"What do you mean like a man? Are you saying only men can be honorable? You are a prime example of the ignorance of our population brought on by the patriarche…" Bruce Vivvas shot the stupid feminazi bitch in the face.

"A-continue Vlad. I-a find this-a very-a-a-a-a-a intriguing."

"I said drop the weapon." Vlad extended his arm and dropped his nerf pistol, "Anyone can shoot a man. It takes real guts to fight with our bare hands."

"Uh…" Vlad failed to realize that Bruce Vivvas still had his gun in his hand.

"Shit! I forgot that we had to drop them at the same time." Vlad memorized the scene from Rush Hour where detective Carter and Jintao fought last night. He thought it would be a badass way to kill Bruce Vivvas but of course he butchered the whole scene. They were supposed to drop at the same time and both pull out another gun and shoot each other, but of course Vlad forgot his second weapon.

"You-a stupid!" Bruce Vivvas shouted as he fired at Vlad. The shot grazed Vlad's thigh. When Vlad looked down at his thigh which was now covered in pimples.

"HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A FUCKIN PIMPLE GUN!" the shot caused a surge of testosterone to fill up Vlad's body. The boost in testosterone triggered Vlad's vampire form which boosted all his attributes and made him a match for an acne wizard.

"A-a-a-a" Bruce Vivvas pulled the trigger but nothing happened. Before he knew it, the gun was enveloped by the acne emanating from his bodily aurora. "I guess I will a fight you... like a man." He said.

"Ugh, you men," the feminazi said again. Both Vlad and Bruce punched her in the face and threw her off the building. They both charged at each other, Bruce Vivvas pulled out his grandfather's old war sword and Vlad pulled out Clarice's ching chong blade that she gave to him as a gift last Christmas. Their swords met and the force almost knocked them backwards. Bruce jumped backwards and Vlad swiped at his pimply face, Bruce managed to parry the blade away. They traded blows and the fighting was intense.

Tink-tink tink-tink. Those were the sounds created by the clashing of their swords. It echoed through the silent streets surrounding the motel. They clashed swords for minutes until Vlad's sword broke.

"Dammit, why couldn't Clarice get the sword from a better child factory."

"Sun Tzu once-a-a said to attack when your-a-a enemies are-a-a disarmed. It's rike a great-a-a big a dragon attacking a rittle-a-a snake. I will now be rike-a-a metaphor and be rike-a-a-dragon."

He charged at Vlad while swinging his sword viciously. Vlad used his vampire powers to tackle Bruce Vivvas.

"Aah ching chong bing bao!" Bruce swore in Chinese as he fell to the ground. Vlad felt something on his face. He touched it and then his face exploded into blood and pus.

"You're not the only one with-a-a super a powers. Remember I-a-a am the-a Acne Wizard." Vlad recovered from the explosion and stood back up, wiping the liquids off his face.

"Pimple bombs huh? It'll take more than things I'm always exposed to already."

"Oh-a-a-a this isn't rike the normal-a-a acne. Only Doctor Lee Jin-Gyu's special acne cream will-a-a-cure it," Bruce Vivvas laughed, "Oh and-a-a did I forget to a tell you that once the a acne touches you, you are-a-a finished. They rike rittle farmer attacking big ching chong Buddha head."

"Hmf are you forgetting about my powers." Vlad said while trying to act cool.

He then entered his testosterone mode. Energy surged throughout his body. His muscles began to bulge and he reached the strength of a deformed and retarded 7th grader (all of them).

"You're going down Ching!" Vlad shouted.

"A-a-a so are-a-a you," replied Bruce Vivvas.

They charged at each other. Bruce Vivvas wielding his acne hands and Vlad holding a fragment of the ching chong sword. Bruce fired a blast of pimple juice from his face, Vlad flopped and narrowly dodged it.

"Like a man Bruce, that means melee only you scrub! 1v1 me m8, you corner-camping LMG target finder n00b!1!1!" Vlad screamed at Bruce.

"Oh, I'm-a sorry. Wait, I don't need-a to be-a sorry," Vlad ran at Bruce again and screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Sun Tzu once-a-a said that-a-a honor is for-a-a fools. You must-a-a use all resources. Onry then wirr you defeat your-a-a enemies rike a warrior beating a crippred-a-a child." Bruce Vivvas then created an acne smokescreen and dashed away before Vlad could finish his strike.

"Sun Tzu also once-a say reducing the visibirity of your enemies is a-a key to a success. It rike a old Tibetan monk in bamboo forest watching a rittle Chinese schoolgirl in the changing room." Vlad grew furious at the chinky chink standing in front of him. He knew that Bruce's words were wise and made sense, but Vlad still felt Bruce was taunting him.

"A-also, you should-a try out for-a chinese opera, your voice is very high, perfect." This only offended Vlad even more, Vlad would never take part in any sort of chinky activity. He charged once again, making sure not to scream so he wouldn't get any more offers. This time, Bruce had run out of acne juice and just tried to punch Vlad with a simple pimple punch. Vlad ducked so he wouldn't be touched by the acne and then uppercutted Bruce Vivvas in the stomach. Vlad's eyes widened. It was a technique Ching taught him in high school. A memory flashed before his eyes for just a moment.

It was springtime and they both enrolled in a karate class. They joined because Amy was there and they desperately wanted to be beaten up by her. After all that's the closest they could get. At one point it was their turn to spar each other. They both shook nervously as they knew Amy was watching.

"I'm gonna kick your ass chink!" he then looked to Amy. To his disappointment there was no reaction. She was reading a book just like always. They charged at each other at the speed of a crippled tortoise. Vlad tried to tackle him but Bruce Vivvas ducked and uppercutted Vlad. Vlad collapsed from a punch equivalent to a feather poke.

"What the hell Ching! I was supposed to win."

"A-a-sorry-a Vladislov."

"Great now how am I supposed to impress Amy?" They then walked back to the locker rooms to change back to normal clothes.

"Hey why are you pouring soy sauce on your face Ching.?" Vlad asked.

"Oh a its to a control the a acne." Explained Ching.

"Why do you have a bottle of vinegar here?"

"A-a don't touch that. It kills my acne, but if there is too much it will melt my skin." Vlad returned to the present just as he was being blown up by another pimple bomb. Shaking off the liquid he narrowed his eyes. He knew how to defeat the chink.

"A-a you are too-a weak for the power of-a my acne. Yes, that's true," Bruce Vivvas laughed. Vlad reached into his anus and pulled out the Proctolitor 2000 that he never took out. Bruce looked at Vlad quizzically as Vlad twisted the enormous rod open.

"Dr. P. Robe that-a sly dog. He was-a on your side-a-a all along," Bruce growled. Vlad pulled a bottle of distilled vinegar.

"A little bit overkill," Vlad thought. Bruce Vivvas screamed and lunged at Vlad as he twisted the cap open.

"Fuck-a you American! Flying Raijin!" he did a spin kick and nearly knocked the vinegar out of his hands.

"I-a-a am not done yet. Shiro Tensei!" He then sent a wall of acne at Vlad. Vlad managed to sidestep it while barely managing to hold on to the vinegar.

"You have found my a weakness. I a now have to go all a-a out on you."

"Chidori!" Bruce's acne began to glow. He pointed it at him. The red light was blindingly bright. "This-a-a acne is superheated to-a-a 250 degrees kelvin, that's-a hot right?" He let out his final battle cry and then charged at him. He pointed his arm like a spear and then jumped at him.

"Vladislav!."
"Bruce Vivvas!"

Vlad ducked down and then splashed the vinegar towards Bruce Vivvas, and it went about 1 foot. Bruce Vivvas then lunged with his Chidori and tripped on his face, falling into the tiny puddle of vinegar. Bruce Vivvas screamed in pain and covered his face as Vlad tackled him to the ground and pointed his blade at his neck.

"I didn't want it to end this way Bruce. No, not Bruce, Ching! We can still be..." Vlad was cut off mid sentence by the chinky man.

"My name is-a Bruce Vivvas. Ching Lang Bao died a long time ago…" Bruce Vivvas began to recount that one incident. The one that killed Ching Lang Bao, and gave birth to Bruce Vivvas.

Part 17: The Ill Mind of Bruce Vivvas

The year was 1997 and Bruce Vivvas had been exported across the country to the school that his cousin, Sum Ting Wong, went to in Chinatown, San Francisco.

"They are-a just rike-a you here." said Sum Ting Wong as he pointed to all the fresh off the boats on the street.

"I guess I can-a try to-a talk to them." During his first day at school, he fit right in.

"Yea-a-a so true."
"Yea I-a-a agree"

"That is so wow"

"Ching chong bing bong," Everyone was just like him. He was at the top of his school and was famed for his skills in chemistry. He was named prom king and even had a team of bustas following him at all times. But something was missing. He was no longer piecing together the puzzle of life. He just went with the flow and life became but a sea of loneliness.

"I-a miss Vladislov," he thought to himself. "And also, a- a- a- a-" He began to cry. "Why do I-a have to-a lose Amy Huang the rove of-a my rife!?" He was shouting into the upwards in the middle of the hallway. It generated a massive crowd.

"Wait wha-? Wait wha-?" murmured the identical voices. A student named Beckislov Stephatang came by and let Ching cry on her shoulders. Ching almost forgot that he was more American than everyone else and that got him all the bitches. But he was not satisfied with the likes of her. She was ugly as fuck, annoying as fuck, and had the same acne that everyone else in the school had. It just wasn't right. She didn't need him, she already had a waiting list. His cousin, Sum Ting Wong, didn't need him either, he was already on the Dota team. The only person that needed him was across the country, Amy Huang. He would travel through the fire and the flames of hell for her and was prepared to do so.

"It's fine baby, I'll give you a good ti-" Beckislov began.

"NO, Im-a going to-a New Jersey to-a find my-a real rove," everyone gasped at the fact that Ching refused second base with the most "desirable" girl in the grade. He then charged out of the front doors and began his journey to New Jersey.

He ran out of Chinatown and then out of San Francisco. He got onto the highway and followed it all the way to his Asian-American roots, the railroad. He sneaked onto the railroads early in the morning. He soaked himself in soy sauce during the previous import so the import police wouldn't be able to use their dogs to smell him. All he had was 2 cents, a bag of dumplings, and his grandfather's war sword that he would use for self defense.

Bruce Vivvas took shelter within a dirty boxcar infested with Mexi-juice and oranges. Surprisingly, he was not alone. In the car lived a Mexican man named Manuel. He was around the same age as Ching and looked very similar to Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. He too was traveling for a better life. Ching soon began to take a liking to his neighbor. They didn't know each other too well, but were similar in the aspect that they were both like space lions lost in the empty void of loneliness. They rarely talked in the beginning of their journey but both of them knew that they were similar men. Ching would stare at him in a totally unsuggestive way and wonder about who he was. He eventually had the balls to talk to his lover, I mean his neighbor and they had a mutually beneficial relationship. Manuel would provide Ching with burritos and Ching would keep watch at night for the border patrol.

The train traveled in an inconvenient zig zag pattern across all parts of the country so the journey took months to complete. While traveling, Ching and Manuel shared their stories of why they wanted to reach New Jersey.

"There is girl named Esperanza waiting for me in New Jersey, I wish to do the… naughty things," Ching didn't know what he meant by "the naughty" but he felt happy for the both of them.

"We were in love back en El Pueblo Juarez. We live happily until Spaniard take her away. He tell her he rich and that I'm filthy Mexicano. And she believe him. And she leave… me," He burst into tears upon saying that.

"Oh, I-a-a know your struggle-a man," Ching said in the most cringeworthy way possible, "I have-a-a girl who-a would not-a-a talk to me and-a beat the crap out of me, and I-a-a love her very much." Manuel looked at Ching as if he was a crazy person. Their friendship grew and they planned their ideal future. They were going to marry the loves of their lives and their kids would grow up together. However, one event turned Ching's world upside down. The train was stopped in the of its tracks for an import check.

"We are looking for an import by the name of Manuel! I heard he was a dirty, good for nothing, job stealin', imported Mexican, which is a serious offense of the law," Ching was still asleep and was awaken by the sound of barking dogs.

"Manuel!" he thought. He looked through the crack in the boxcar to see if Manuel was ok. The police were searching cluelessly which calmed him down. But the next moment they began shooting at the cars.

"There's imports everywhere! Shoot up all of the cars!" Ching laid in a prone position and prayed to his ching chong god that he would live. After 10 minutes of shooting he finally emerged, only to see that everyone was dead. He immediately ran towards Manuel. There Ching saw Manuel's bullet ridden corpse and a picture of what looked like a small Latin 12 year old girl who looked scared out of her wits. Manuel was smiling right behind her, grabbing her shoulder. Ching figured the girl was Esperanza.

"He-a-a-roved her. Why does he have to-a-a die!" He proceeded to cry for hours. Ching learned that life wasn't a kung fu movie featuring Bruce Lee, however, he wouldn't let Manuel's death be in vain. This tragedy gave Ching the boost he needed to finish his journey to New Jersey.

Ching rode the train for a year across the country to his destination, New Jersey. Although he was in New Jersey he was still a ways away from his love. Ching traveled across the state on foot, because nobody would ever help a chink in New Jersey. Ching went to each unproportionally asian populated town in New Jersey but to no avail. He was running out of hope and was thinking about giving up on his seemingly pointless task. Then, a short tanned midget smoking a joint came up to Ching and looked at him.

"Oh another wayfinder in the endless sea that belongs to the fish warrior. Why do you look down when we live in the beautiful world of the fish warrior?"

"I-a-a rove a girl and she is-a waiting for-a me. I try to find her but I-a-a-can't do it."

"Your own doubt is what is keeping you down. We are all like fish in ocean trying to become pelican in sky. It is possible as long as you believe and embody the fish warrior."

"I-a-a understand now Mister-a-a, what is-a your name-a-a?"

"My name is Swimming Bird, it symbolizes how I never give up like fish warrior and swim the big ocean as gracefully as a bird, a Swimming Bird."

Those words empowered Ching. After all, no one ever treated Ching that way, except for Vladislov. He continued his task and searched in the last town on the Asian list, Cranbury. This town had the highest percentage of white people of the list. This intimidated Ching for he never spoke to a white person other than Vladislov. He walked over to the main street and began his scouting procedure. He sat down at a bench and began looking for anyone who looked like Amy. After weeks of staying in the town and sleeping in the storage room of The Hot Wok Cafe, he eventually made his way to Cranbury Green.

A woman that looked very familiar was walking on the street. She was wearing a sunhat and sunglasses.

"Could this be-a-a-a her?" Ching got closer and watched from the top of a house that he used his kung fu climbing technique to get up. He then pulled out binoculars to get a better view. The woman then took off her hat and sunglasses as she entered a house across the street. She turned around to close the door and thats when he saw her.

"A-A-A-A-A-AMY HUANG!" Ching was happy as can be. He then adjusted his binoculars to see through one of the windows. A man with glasses that were clearly designed for women and a bubble vest approached her and kissed her. She cringed backwards a little bit as he did. There was no mistaking it, it was Simon Hwang. No other man would dare wear women's clothing like that. Ching gasped in the most annoying way possible. It was like, HUAWGHAW! Just, I don't know everyone in this story is a fucking weirdo.

"Get your hands off-a-a my future-a baby's mother you ass-a-hore!" Simon then pulled out a saxophone and played Careless Whisper and didn't stop. That's when Ching realized that Simon was just as douchebaggy as the day when he was deported. He also realized after 20 minutes of them "bonding" that they were indeed together.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!" Ching shouted in frustration. He thrashed and thrashed. Eventually the binoculars reflected the sun into Simon's eyes. Simon was very pissed that his "bonding" was cut short and charged outside with a shotgun…. a real shotgun. Ching snapped back to reality, oh there goes gravity, oh there goes rabbit he choked, he's so mad but he won't give up that easy…. actually he does. He tumbled into the swimming pool behind him and ran off. Tears falling from his eyes and gliding over his yellow skin.

Ching's heart was violated by the image of Simon getting inside of Amy. He had nowhere to go, and no one to go to. He decided to venture to Edison to maybe start over. Upon arrival, he went to the nearest internet cafe and wasted his days away, playing League of Legends and collecting Yugioh cards until one day...

It was a day like any other. Ching had finished trading with the regulars and losing matches of LoL, finally lowering himself to bronze five, he finally gave up on LoL. Ching started surfing the web when he heard of a man named Kim Jong-Il on the midnight news.

"Yesterday, the brutal dictator of North Korea announced yet another one of his plans to invade our country."

"Americans are stupid!"

"YEAAAA!"
"They eat donut and are a-fat as a hell!"

"YEAAAAA!"

"Ching ching ting tong!"

"YEAAAAA!"
"I purr out big korean eggroll now!" he then pulled down his pants and started penetrating a globe in the location where America was. Everyone cheered and cried for more.

"A-that's so WOW!" Ching thought to himself. Ching was amazed at the compassion and charisma of the Supreme Leader.

"He is-a so misunderstood, but has so much-a confidence." Ching then realized that he could be just like him. They both shed the same tears as each other and were both space lions, lost. Everyday he tuned in to the news to practice his North Korean marches and salutes. Eventually, he made a new name for himself. He was no longer Ching, he was Andr... oh wait, no, I mean Bruce Vivvas!

Part 18: A True Ending

Vlad had tears in his eyes from the horrible and tragic story.

"I'm sorry man, is there anything I can do Ching?" Bruce uncovered his face and Vlad was very surprised at what he saw. All of Bruce's acne was gone, showing a perfectly normal, but chinky, face.

"Does this-a-a look like the face-a of Ching to you Mr. Vlad I. Slov? Ching died many years ago on that very night… now there is only BRUCE VIVVAS!" Bruce Vivvas pulled out an Allah Pimple Bomb and prepared to push the detonation button. Vlad instinctively crawled into fetal position.

"DIE VladISLOV!"

Vlad watched in horror as his thumb went downward towards. He reached out in a desperate attempt to prevent his friend from taking his own life, just like that one time.

It was the summer of their junior year. School was coming up and they were going to spend the last days of summer playing Minecraft with each other. "A-a Vladislov, what does-a cunt mean?"

"Why do you wanna know?" Vlad turned around in his chair.

"Because-a… a man named-a XxXcuntdestroya696XxX joined our-a session."

Vlad was filled with excitement

"Could it be? Could this be another human being besides Ching to willingly associate themselves with me?" Vlad thought. However, he was soon disappointed to find out he was a filthy troll.

"A-a-a stop!" Ching shouted, "He-a raid my-a chest and take-a my diamond sword!"

"Dude you have enchanted armor, just kill him." Vlad said. Ching attempted to kill the thief but was one shotted.

"He is-a hacking too! I-a quit! Im going to-a kill my-a-self!" Ching began running towards a 20 block cliff.

"No Ching, think about all that we've been through. Remember when we first started this world. Ching please." and with that, Ching stopped. Vlad was able to prevent him from committing suicide then, but he wouldn't be able to now.

The entire building blew up into a gushing fountain of pus, killing everyone near the building and infecting many others with an Acne Plague. Basically the bomb Hiroshima'd the entire city of Camden and reduced it to rubble. The mist cleared and Vlad lay in a pile of rubble, ass to the sky. He wasn't moving. Oh thank god he's finally dead. Okay, just give me my money and then... oh wait, nevermind he's moving. God damn it. Anyway, Vlad began to stir and then he woke up.

"What happened?" Vlad wondered. He tried to move but unfortunately for him he was stuck under a few tons of rubble. So he could only wait.

A few hours later Vlad heard police sirens.

"They must be here to look for survivors," Vlad thought. He heard people get out of the cars.

"Alright men! I want every survivor found dead! We can't contain this plague and besides, everyone in this city is a god damn AArab! Alright, move out!" Vlad started to panic. He wasn't an Arab, but he knew that the police would be relentless and would shoot any living thing that seemed like a threat, especially unarmed black men.

"Someone's ass is sticking out the rubble over here!" Vlad heard a man shout.

"What does it look like?" Another man yelled.

"Well, they look like skinny jeans. Really, really skinny jeans..."

"Oh my god, it's a good ol' fashioned american! Get her outta there!" The policemen proceeded to blow up the pile of rubble using 2 tons of dynamite and dragged Vlad's body out of the debris.

"This is the ugliest girl I've ever seen. But she's unconscious, let's have some fun boys!" After taking off some Vlad's clothes they realized he wasn't a girl.

"Ha! Small fry!" one of the policemen laughed. They put Vlad on a stretcher and pulled him into an ambulance. Then they rushed him into the emergency room where they treated him with Doctor Lee Jin-Gyu's acne cream. Within a few days he recovered.

"Mr. Slov, you have a visitor." Vlad wondered who it could be. It was probably one of his numerous nerd "friends" who had survived the massacre that had left no survivors. But to his surprise he saw his one and only love, Clarice. He remembered that beautiful, acne covered, asymmetrical face and that decaying yellow smile. He was so excited his heart skipped a beat. This caused him to fall into cardiac arrest and he fell unconscious. He then had to be rushed to the emergency room again.

A few days later Vlad was able to get out of the hospital and back to the real world. Clarice texted him an address and said to go there immediately, she had a surprise.

"23 Marbury Court," he thought as he looked up at the apartment, "So this is my new home." He entered the room and Clarice was waiting for him.

"Hey there Vlad I. Slov," she said in a disgustingly seductive voice.

"Everything is the way it was," he thought to himself. The smell of soy sauce, the skin lotion, and Clarice. It was just like it was two years ago.

The news was on in the background. "The Rising Dragon Triad, yes that's what Bruce Vivvas called his gang, was brought to justice yesterday. They were lured into a police trap while searching for a hostage that went missing. The police tried to draw her but the sketch artist went blind before he could finish."

"I'm just glad that the commies are outta my country." said the principal of Cranbury High School.

"What's that smell, are you cooking dumplings again?" Vlad asked. Clarice giggled and a sea of saliva flew onto Vlad's face. He licked it off in disgusting delight.

"No silly, I'm right here," she replied.

"Then who's cooking?" Vlad asked very confused as he was unable to use his higher brain functions.

"That's my sister Christine," Clarice responded.

"Sister?"

"Yes, my twin sister." Vlad immediately got excited and seductive dance music played in the background.

"Oh, this is gonna be a lot of fun," Christine giggled with her equally yellow teeth and Vlad smiled back.

Vlad grinned, and one of his eyebrows raised. Life just got good, real good.

Epilogue:

Many things happened over the next few years. Sawyer was fired from Jen Co. on multiple accounts of supreme douchebaggery and shortly after that Jen Co. became bankrupt and failed.

Everyone in the police force was honored for valiance and protection of all people in America.

"I'm just glad that our country is safe from the AArabs and their AArab diseases." said the Chief of Police during his speech. Everyone cheered and began firing shotgun rounds into the blue open sky, killing numerous birds and leaving many shotgun shells on the ground that would take years to degrade.

Also a new Polynesian pop sensation named Ota Kte hit America by storm. His hit single, "So Far Away" topped the charts for months and his debut album, "Space Lion Lost in Space" was critically acclaimed and he received a platinum record for his work. He was discovered soon after the acne plague of Camden. He sang for the relief efforts as the Hawaiian charity spokesman. As a matter of fact, Vlad, Clarice, and Christine all had tickets to watch him perform next month.

On a more personal note, Simon Hwang got a divorce after his wife Amy, after she claimed that she caught him sleeping with multiple women in their bed while she was still at home. However, it was when he asked her for a fivesome when she caught him was where he crossed the line.

After this incident, Amy went on to never trust men again. Due to this she became a lesbian and met an asian girl whom she married. They now live in a forest together, spending their lives just reading books, and doing basically nothing else.

There was also widespread protest against the police force for their excessive force against minorities and their racial profiling. Today the protesters marched to Washington and gained the attention of many news channels.

"When I was eleven I was exported out of the country for saying Bonjour Papa. I didn't understand why until I found out it was because I was Mexican. I just want to protect my fellow Mexicans from future persecution."

Dr. P. Robe later went on to get the Nobel Prize for Physiology or Medicine for discovering a new bacteria in the male anus when he was "researching". It was later found out that this "bacteria" was just Dr. P. Robe's semen. He was then stripped of the prize and lived his career in dishonor. Luckily for him, the Proctolitor 2000 became commercially popular as a sex toy and was featured in "Girl's Best Friend" magazine.

And as for life down south, Pancho Rojo, became the president of Mexico. He was democratically elected but he soon became a dictator. He has since then invaded America numerous times and captured parts of Southern L.A and destroyed the "Import Wall" causing Mexicans to overpopulate the country, making whites the minority. Many political pundits predict that the first Mexican President will be elected in 2035 and that the world will plunge in a downward spiral soon after.

At the Camden Aquarium, it was discovered that they were illegally importing fish and workers from South America and they soon went out of business. The fish were released back to their homes and the aquarium devolved into gang territory….again.

Unfortunately fish don't just swim back to their homes, so most of them died in the crummy, acne infected Camden lake. The few that did escape were transformed into fish people which caused a massive uproar in the Polynesian community. They now worship the specimens as the sons of Fish Warrior, their lord and savior.

Ching's cousin Sum Ting Wong went on to the Dota World Championships and is now internationally famous. After a little bit he began to receive death threats from the League of Legends community and never went outside again.

Swimming Bird later went on to teach philosophy in Harvard University. Also known as talk while hopped up on all the drugs in the world. Although criticized for teaching fish related metaphors that had no meaning, he is widely accepted as one of the greatest philosophers in the modern age.

Courtney later got back together with Brad after she found out that Chet was cheating on her with Jessie and that he had fucked her sister and cousin…...without inviting her.

Heart man was arrested and sent to jail in multiple accounts of ear rape. This was caused by his extreme usage of the word "Brah" and his singing.

Couples' Day was also abolished in most parts of America because of the multiple homicides that have been found to be linked to it. Many victims of this holiday stepped up to tell their stories. This is one of them.

"That day I was caught jacking off in my car. A man then asked me where my girlfriend was and then I was pulled out and stabbed multiple times. I don't have a dick no more."

The show border patrol also came under fire because of the violence it depicts and because of its racism toward Mexicans. Critics argue that the show was responsible for many of the hate crimes in America. However, the overwhelming amount of supporters argue that it teaches young children the importance of defending their country "by killin' all of them imports".

Julius and Palmer were arrested shortly after the aquarium incident. They were given the death sentence, but after acting as their own defense in court they lowered the death penalty to 2 months in prison. Soon after their imprisonment, the prison they were being kept in spontaneously exploded, leaving only pieces of red debris and a note saying: Later BITCHES, time to give 'em the swag! Unfortunately for the police, the only pieces of evidence found were a couple of plastic spoons covered with blood. After testing the objects, it was found that Julius and Palmer's fingerprints were on them.

As for Esperanza, she became a model and eventually spoke up about her experience with pedophiles.

"I was only 4 when I was being harassed by a man named Miguel. I was then taken by another man when I was 12 and I couldn't be free from the harassment until I was 15 and I officially became a woman in Mexican culture. The men finally left me alone and molested other kids." At the time of this interview Esperanza was 17 years old, if there is any information on her whereabouts please contact the police immediately. We suspect a reported dead, Mexican man named Manuel that was mentioned during the interview.

And as for the "heroes" of this tale, Vlad, Clarice, and Christine currently live in Cleveland, and yes, he's married to both of them. Shortly before the wedding, he converted to Mormonism which allowed him to have multiple spouses. They have adopted 5 children because Vlad is scared of the sex. As it turns out, Christine is also a prostitute and now their income has doubled, allowing them to live a slightly more comfortable life. Clarice became pregnant because a guy attempted the Puerto Rican pullout and failed, and Christine got run over by a flying elephant, also known as a beaver. She survived the ordeal but never went to the zoo again. Vlad continued to be a bitch... forever. Although these seem like big problems, they haven't caused any real commotion and they now live happily ever after….. kind of….

The End

Finally

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