By: magicks
Disclaimer: Don't own. Just play.
Summary: Post-Lagrimas, Pre-Parabolic. Danny, Jake and Gabe bond in the age-old tradition of men: getting stone drunk.
A/n: My first humor fic. Be gentle!
A/n2: Since nobody's ever given Gabe's age, I've made him twenty. Young, I know, but it fits in with the fic.
**********************
It was Friday night, and Jake and Danny were more than a little tipsy.
"I don't know how the hell you convinced me to come to this dump," Danny said again, his words starting to slur slightly.
"That's the sixth time you've said that, and you haven't left yet," Jake replied, before taking another shot.
"That's because I can't find the door."
Jake chuckled and pointed to the wall opposite. "It's right there, dude."
Danny stared at the wall for a second, then looked at Jake soberly. "Rookie, that's a wall."
"It is?" Jake turned back to the wall, surprised, and Danny burst into hysterical laughter. Jake joined him a moment later.
After they got their giggles under control, Danny noticed a familiar young man enter the bar. He nudged Jake with his elbow. "Hey, isn't that Bowman?"
"I think you're right," Jake answered, trying to focus on the dark-haired antiques dealer.
"Let's buy him a drink," Danny suggested. "We weren't very nice to him, and I'm feeling generous."
"Yeah," agreed Jake. "We owe him for interrupting his- task at hand," he continued, grinning.
The two drunk detectives slid out of their booth and approached the youth at the bar, who was currently arguing with the bartender about his age.
"Listen, just give me a damn drink!" Gabriel demanded.
"Not until I see some ID," the bartender replied calmly.
Gabriel was about to reply when Jake spoke up. "Hey, Bowman, what's up?" Turning to the bartender, he assured her, "It's okay, he's legal."
The bartender eyed the blonde suspiciously. "You friends?"
"Something like that. Just get his drink, and we'll have two more of whatever he's having. Bill me for them." Seeing the woman's skeptical look, Jake smiled charmingly. "Come on, I'm a cop. Would I buy alcohol for a minor?"
Grudgingly, the bartender nodded her assent and left to fix the drinks. When she had moved to the other end of the bar, Jake leaned over and whispered loudly, "You're not really legal, are you?" At Gabe's silence, he winked and grinned. "Thought so. Don't worry, your secret's safe with us."
"Uh, thanks," Gabe said nervously. "Listen, not to sound ungrateful, but we aren't the best of friends. What are you doing here?"
Danny, who was sitting on Gabriel's right and had been silent throughout the discussion with the bartender, clapped Gabriel on the shoulder. "We felt bad about interrupting you the other night, and we thought we'd buy you a drink or two-" He giggled. "-or three, or four."
"Thanks, but you don't have-" Gabriel began.
"Just let us buy you a drink, all right? You have to. You owe us, We helped you out with that bartender."
"Hey, that was all me!" Jake interjected, but was stopped from defending himself further when said bartender returned with the drinks.
"Sure Rookie, whatever you say." Danny waved him off, grabbed a shot glass, and went back to Gabriel. "So why're you here?"
Gabe considered the inebriated officer and decided to be truthful. "To get hammered. My girlfriend left me and my life sucks right now."
"I see." Danny nodded wisely, then his face broke into a crazy grin before he downed his shot in one gulp. "Well, we're drunk already, so we'll keep you company."
"Uh huh," Gabriel looked around uncomfortably, and resolved to make the best of it before throwing the shot down his throat.
Twenty minutes and five drinks later, ties and tongues were loosened, and the talk had somehow turned to Sara Pezzini.
"I'm telling ye, man, it's na gunna happun," Gabriel slurred, facing Jake. "Sara doesn't go for guys like you."
"An' how wud yyooouu know?" Jake asked, leaning towards Gabriel and almost losing his balance.
" 'Cause I'm 'er frien' *hiccup* an' I know wha' she likes, an' she doesn' like guys like you." Gabriel replied.
"I's true," Danny confirmed. "You 'aven' got a chanse, McCar'y"
"Do too!" Jake protested. Pulling out his cell phone, he struggled to press the small power button. "Here, I'll prove it. I'm gonna ask 'er out right now." Danny and Gabe cracked up as Jake dialed the number. Finally he put the phone to his ear, shushing the other two. They stopped laughing and paid attention, interested to see how it was going to play out. After a moment Jake put his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered loudly, "It's the answering machine." turning back to the phone, he said in (what he believed was) a suave voice (but it was obvious to everyone else he was drunk) "Hello Sara, it's Jake. I was thinking, maybe we could go out sometime, you know, Saturday? What do ya say? Sara? Pez? Sara, 'r you there?" Staring at the phone, he declared, "She hung up out me." He put the phone on the counter (but didn't turn it off) and looked over at his companions, repeating "She hung up on me."
"We 'eard you the first time, Rookie," Danny answered. "Maybe she needs you to do something to show your love. Like flowers. I give my wife flowers ev'ry time she's mad about somethin'. Works like a charm."
"Hey, I know," Gabriel spoke up suddenly. "Pez loves 'er bike, right? Sho deckerate it with flow'rs and tell 'er i's fr'm you." The older men had to think to understand his statement, as his voice was much more affected than theirs, his young body unaccustomed to alcohol.
"Hey, good idea!" Jake brightened up and picked up the cell phone again. "Sara, I'm going to go prove my love to you now," he said solemnly, "with flowers."
"And 'er bike," Gabriel added.
"And your bike," Jake amended quickly. "Then you'll go out with me. Bye!"
Snapping his phone shut, he banged his fist on the counter and hollered, "Bartender! One last roun' o' drinks for my goo' fre'ns here." turning to Gabriel and Danny, he asked, "Wha' do you want?"
"Vodka!" Gabriel called out happily.
"Bourbon," Danny answered more calmly.
"You 'eard 'em!" Jake slapped a ten dollar-bill on the counter. "And *I* will celebrate with the best whiskey you've got." He beckoned the bartender closer. "And make it the goo' stuff," he whispered conspiratorially. The bartender rolled her eyes but took the money.
"Last one," she warned.
"You got it." The three guys downed their drinks and left the bar for the nearest flower shop.
*****************************************
"There it is."
"No, that's a garbage can. It's over there." Danny shifted the bouquet of daisies to his left arm and pointed to a large shadow next to a telephone pole.
"Oohh," Gabriel said, recognizing his mistake. Then he giggled hysterically. "Oops." Danny started laughing, and the soon the two were almost collapsing.
"Be quiet!" Jake hissed. "Come on, I want to surprise her." Flora in hand, the men approached the motorcycle and started work.
A half an hour later, they were almost done, when a familiar voice from above yelled, "Hey! Get the hell away from my bike!"
Startled, Jake, Danny, and Gabriel dropped their flowers and ran. Danny was the first to stop, realizing they weren't being chased. He grabbed Jake, who grabbed Gabriel, who, unfortunately for all three of them, was still running. Jerking back from the pressure on his collar, the inebriated young man lost his balance and crashed to the ground, bringing the other two with him, which resulted in a collective "Oof!"
"Whadja do that for?" Gabriel asked angrily, dusting dirt off his clothes.
"There's no one coming after us," Danny pointed out.
"Oh." Gabriel thought for a moment. "Tha' was Pez, wa'n't it?"
"Sounded like it," Danny answered.
Gabriel giggled suddenly. "She sounded mmmaaaaadddd!" he chuckled, pointing at Jake. "You're gonna get it!"
"Nuh uh!" Jake protested. "She doesn't know it was me!"
"Yea she does," Gabriel persisted, "you tol' 'er, r'memb'r?"
Jake concentrated hard. Then, his face lit up like a light bulb. "I r'meb'r now! It was her message machine! All I 'ave ta do is delete the message!"
"An' how're you gonna do tha'?" Danny inquired. "She's home, which means she prob'ly already heard i'."
"No, i' was 'er work num'er," Jake argued, "I r'memb'r 'cause she said, 'You've reached (*hiccup*) Detec'ive Pezzini.' I 'ave to delete i' from 'er office."
"You mean the precinc'?" Gabe said disbelievingly. "How're we gonna get in there?"
Danny joined in with, "I's locked up tight."
"Not ev'rythin'," Jake declared, grinning.
**********************************
Quiet as a mouse, Jake slid through the opening, only to trip over his own feet as soon as he touched the ground. Gathering himself, he beckoned to his companions and whispered, "Come on." The lean figure of Danny Woo emerged, followed by Gabriel Bowman. Danny peered into the darkness, trying to determine their whereabouts. Gabriel was a little more bold, and a little more drunk. He took four confident strides forward before crashing into what felt like a table and falling flat onto something cold and bumpy.
"Where are we?" he asked dazedly. Jake, after careful deliberation of his surroundings, had inched around the table and walked straight into a wall. Not discouraged in the least, he followed the wall to a light switch and flipped it, bathing the room and its occupants in bright fluorescent light.
"The morgue," the blonde replied proudly.
Danny stood blinking, trying to adjust his eyes, while Gabriel made the unfortunate discovery that he was laying on the corpse of a rather corpulent middle-aged man.
"Aaah!" the twenty-year old screamed, falling off the examining table. "Why th' hell 're we in th' morgue? I thought we were goin' to your office."
"An' more importantly, how di' we get in?" Danny broke in.
Jake pointed to a doorway about 1'6" x 2'. "Through there." Gabriel and Danny stared at the door, then at him.
"We came through *that*?" Danny sounded incredulous as he squinted at the tiny door. "That's an awful small hole."
Gabriel, who seemed more willing to accept this explanation, sniffed at his clothes disdainfully. "It stunk. What is it?"
"A picku' poin' for bi'logic'l wase," Jake stated airily.
"A what?" It was getting late, and Danny couldn't quite understand the blonde's slur.
"A pickup point for biological waste," Gabriel enunciated, stressing each syllable. Then as if just realizing what had been said, he turned to Jake, shocked. "You led us through a picku' point fer biol'gic'l waste?!"
"Don't worry," Jake assured him. "They keep it really clean."
"And how would you know?" Gabe countered.
Danny, who had finally gotten himself up to speed on the conversation, continued the interrogation. "More import'ntly, how'd you know we'd fit?" He looked doubtfully back at the miniature door. "That's a *really* small hole."
Jake shrugged. " 'm bigger than you two, and I fit fine."
"Tha's grea', genius," Gabe retorted. "Wha' if you'd'a gotten stuck?"
"Nuh uh," Jake protested. " 've done it b'fore." Danny raised an eyebrow, quite a feat for someone so inebriated.
"When?" was all the Asian man said.
"Bet with Po," Jake responded casually. He thumped his chest proudly. " 'm smaller than 14 lbs. of diseased liver."
Danny stared at him stoically. "Never touch me without showering." He turned in a full circle to get his bearings, then spotted a door in the far corner. "Come on, I see the way out." The other two men followed his lead through the doorway, Jake, being last, shutting the door behind him. A muffled thump and some swearing could be heard, then:
"Danny?"
"Yeah, Gabe?"
*giggle* "I think this is a closet." *snicker from Jake*
"Shut up."
****************ten minutes, two janitor's closets, and a public restroom later********************
The door to the dark office opened slowly, light from the hall spilling into the room and casting three silhouettes on the floor. The intruders entered the room single file, approaching a desk at the side of the room. They circled the plastic box like vultures, mesmerized by the blinking red light as if it were a slowing heartbeat. Now all behind the desk, one of the figures leaned forward to press the flashing red button, when......
"Pezzini? McCarty? Woo? You still in here?" The captain opened the door fully, switching on the light.
"Just me, sir," Jake answered cheerfully. "Finishing up some last minute paperwork."
"Oh, well, be sure to check in when you leave. Don't want to be locked in by the guard."
"Will do, sir." Jake waited until the captain was out of earshot before succumbing to a hysterical fit of giggles. He was immediately joined by Gabriel, who was huddled under Sara's desk, and Danny, who had dived under his own. "Do ya think he knew I was drunk?" Jake asked, after he had gotten his laughter under control. He looked at Danny, who looked at Gabe, who stared at both of them. They answered simultaneously. "Nah."
"Come on, let's get to work," Danny said, trying to take charge. Gabriel started to follow his lead, then stopped, confused.
"Uh, do either of you remember why we came here in the first place?"
"Of cour-" Danny began. He cut off mid-sentence and looked at Jake. "Uh, Jake?"
"We're- uh, we're-" Jake racked his brain for an answer. He sat at his desk, still thinking. "Just gimme a sec. I'll remember."
Danny took his seat at his office chair while Gabriel leaned back against Sara's desk, both preparing for a long wait. Five minutes later, three distinctive snores could be heard coming from the office of Detectives Pezzini, Woo, and McCarty.
*******the next morning********
Sara entered the precinct in a ferocious mood, snarling at anyone who glanced at her sideways. Last night had not been restful. First, Gabriel didn't return her calls, which was unusual for him. After their experience with the inner government, they had kept close contact, and his absence worried her. Secondly, she had received a very loud, very late call from a *very* pissed off Lee Woo, who told her Danny hadn't come home yet, and did she know where he was? She received a cold but polite thank you for her negative response, but the call started a whole new set of worries in her mind. To make matters worse, she caught some thugs fooling around her bike early that morning. Thinking they were trying to steal it, she was relieved when they dashed at her first yell. However, when she actually checked the vehicle the next morning, she found they stuck flowers in every possible opening! It took her an hour just to make sure she could start the engine without a petal or thorn gumming up the works. Hence, she was late for work.
Sara entered her office scowling, but stopped short at the sight that greeted her. Slumped over his desk, head pillowed on a pile of paperwork, was Jake McCarty, sound asleep. Sitting across from him at his own desk, sprawled on his chair, slept her missing partner. Both looked like they had been through the wringer.
Sara's reactions came in waves: guilt, for leaving her partners to work all night; confusion, as to why Danny didn't at least call his wife; and finally, anger, for worrying her and Lee. Dark mood returning, she released her wrath first on the main focus of her concern: Danny Woo. Marching up to his desk, she took him by the shoulder roughly and shook him. "Danny! Where the hell have you been all night, and why didn't you call?"
"Huh-ggrrgh? What?" Danny awoke to the sound of someone yelling his name. Sounded like Pez. Wait, didn't he see her last night? Everything was so fuzzy. How much did he have to drink?
"I said, have you been here all night?" Sara repeated her first question, then sniffed the air. "What's that smell?" She turned back to Danny. "It's you. You're drunk."
"Correction. I *was* drunk." Danny looked around curiously. "What am I doing here?"
"That's what I'd like to know." Sara was interrupted by a groan from the other side of the room. Jake lifted his head slowly, making bleary eye contact with Danny.
"Danny? What the hell did we do last night?"
"That seems to be the 64,000 dollar question," Sara said. Jake glanced at her for a moment, then turned his attention to the rest of the office.
"Hey, where's Bowman? He might know."
Danny snickered. "Doubt it. If I remember correctly, he was farther gone than either of us."
"Wait a minute, you took Gabriel bar hopping?!?" Sara broke in. "He's not even legal!" She was about to continue her tirade, when she was once again interrupted, this time by a groan, followed by a sharp *thump* and some colorful swearing she assumed was in Bulgarian. The voice sounded familiar, though, and Sara peeked under her desk in disbelief. "*Gabriel*?!?"
"Sara?" Gabe moaned. "God, my head. Vodka is the devil."
"Maybe you'll think twice next time before drinking it, then," Sara replied, dragging him out from his crawl space. She led him by the arm to Danny's desk and grabbed said detective's hand as well, pulling him to his feet. She completed her posse by yanking a drowsy Jake from his chair and pushing all three towards the door. "Go get some coffee and try to sober up. I'll tell the captain you're sick today." Turning her back to them, she continued her instructions. "Danny, I'd call Lee if I were you. She's worried sick." Danny groaned, knowing his wife would already have the blankets and pillows on the couch for him. "Jake," she wrinkled her nose, "take a shower. I'll call you a cab while you get the java. And Gabriel," she turned and shot said young antiques dealer a stern glare, "I'll give you a ride home, and we can talk about binge drinking underage." Gabriel tried to look properly repentant. "Now go grab some caffeine." Obediently the three man turned and left the room, heading for the break room.
"Man," Gabriel accepted his cup of coffee and took a sip. "What *did* we do last night?"
"The last thing I remember is that hole-in-the-wall bar," Jake said, "and some sort of bet."
"Yeah, wasn't it about Pez?" Gabriel concentrated. "It was about dating Pez. I said you couldn't get a date with her, and you-"
"called her up to ask her out," Danny finished. "But she would've remembered that, and if she did, we wouldn't be standing here right now."
"No, I got her answering machine." Jake was starting to remember now. "And I left her a message-"
"Saying you would prove your love," Gabriel continued.
"And I didn't know how, so I asked you guys, and-"
"I suggested flowers," Danny recalled.
"And then I suggested-" Gabriel gulped. "And then we-"
"And Pez was not happy." Jake didn't want to think about what she must have said when she saw what they had done to her bike.
"So we came here to erase the mess-" Danny paled. "We never erased the message."
Meanwhile, Sara was sifting through the mess on her desk and noticed she had a new message. Thinking it was Lee calling to see if Danny had shown up for work, she pressed the play button absently. Ten seconds later, she was frozen, listening avidly to the voices on the machine.
Danny, Jake and Gabriel looked at each other silently for a moment, then made a violent dash for the door. They were too late. Before they reached the doorway of the office, a familiar voice roared.
"Jake!"......
"Danny!".......
"GABRIEL!"