Author's Note: This came about... uh, quite quickly. Not as quickly as Cook and Criminal, but pretty fast. I think all oneshots do that. But I'd been meaning to write one for Misa sometime, and I'm not sure how it is. I suddenly had a wave of empathy for Misa - no, I'm not suicidal over a guy, so don't worry. (But a guy was definitely the root of this. Somehow.) It definitely went into the writing of this fic. I couldn't quite figure out a lot of the transitions, so it might feel a bit choppy. But this one has some emotion in it. Like my other fics, it is completely unBeta'd. Feedback would be highly appreciated, and I do respond to any reviews.
The title comes from Dante's Inferno, Canto XII, verse 49: "O blind cupidity, o wrath insane"
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its affiliates. This is mostly canon, I think.
"Please let me be your girlfriend!"
Misa had never been turned down by a guy before. She was a model: she turned guys down. Never before had she met a man that didn't jump at being with her. Raito had been different: she had come after him, and despite it, he didn't seem to even care. Misa had attributed it to being so busy with L and the execution of criminals.
(But that was the Second Kira talking. Misa wanted to know why the man she loved didn't seem to feel anything for her. She'd sacrificed everything she had down to her lifespan, and yet somehow it hadn't been enough to make him love her.)
"I'm satisfied with just being used by you! Trust me!"
She hadn't known when she spoke the words that he would never love her. For months it was enough for her to be able to help Kira, her God, in the elimination of evil people. Then she had given up her memories (for him), and something else had blossomed to replace the mindless adoration that no longer had a focus.
She loved him.
Ryuuzaki questioned her love for Raito incessantly. Where did they meet? How did she know his name? Didn't there seem to be some oddness by the fact that she couldn't remember her first meeting with Raito?
And she'd immediately kicked up a fuss, trying to make the dark-haired man's conversation turn back on himself, making Raito come into the situation and it lasted for far too short before she was kicked back to her own room.
(But as soon as she went back to her rooms, she took a shower. Not because she felt dirty, but because she was pretty sure - for some reason - that there were cameras in the room. She didn't know if there were any in the bathroom, but at least in the shower she could silently cry and ponder questions without being noticed.
Because Ryuuzaki had a point. Why couldn't she remember meeting her perfect boyfriend? How had they ever met, when she was a model and he a student? If they'd met in Aoyama, as she had said, they had never actually physically met. She would have remembered something so perfect as that moment.)
Before, she'd thought that having her memories return would make everything better. All the pieces of the puzzle would be put together.
(But the puzzle had shown a picture that she hated, and it was somehow worse than she'd ever thought. Because now she had two ties to the man she loved: Raito and Kira. Kira was her God, the one who had avenged her parents, and Raito was the one who made her feel a constant state of bliss that couldn't be interrupted even by the pervert Ryuuzaki.)
Kira she served with proud obedience, reducing her lifespan yet again for him. It was easy to serve God. She was a model priestess to the newest religion.
(And she was a horrible girlfriend to the man who had the world on his shoulders. Because there was nothing wrong with Raito. Raito, who was perfect scores and charismatic; Raito, who was smart enough to be working with the police while he was still in school; Raito, who had accepted her into Kira's world. Raito, who had created God, and was God.)
"Misa, just shut up and do what I told you!"
His anger was excusable. His sister had just been kidnapped, and he was working with the men who were trying to find him - one of which was his father. Then there was this new N guy - who was he, to try to defeat Kira? How could they be so blind that they thought Raito was the bad guy? He was the good guy - the hero!
So she kept using her eyes for him. Obedience was the one thing her God had demanded from her, and it was something she would gladly supply.
(Sometimes, when she was in a bitter mood - the anniversary of her parents' deaths, for example - she thought how ironic that she could serve God better than her boyfriend.)
Because Misa didn't really know Raito at all.
"Oh, really? Please stay there for a while."
Those were the last words Misa ever heard Raito say to her. The romantic in her had always pictured famous last words, perhaps declarations of love, maybe against a sunset or dawn - yes, dawn was better.
(The cynic in her said that it was stupid to think Raito would love her before he died. She had nothing else to give him that had not already been given.
Men don't change.)
She hadn't had the sense of dread when the knock came on the hotel room door that she was supposed to. She'd just opened it and greeted Matsui-san and asked where Raito was.
He had looked at the ground. Monchichi-san had looked her straight in the eye.
"Kira has been killed, Amane-san. Raito-kun... had a heart attack."
There had been, and yet would never be a connection between the two dead men she had devoted her life to. But the loss of the purpose(s?) of her existence had been taken very quietly. The officers had left quickly, awkwardly, not wondering why she hadn't asked for her love's body.
Misa had gathered up her favorite outfit, with lots of black. Black dress, black stockings, black shoes, black bonnet, black makeup - even her underwear was black. Her usual array of necklaces, rings, bracelets, and earrings had been foregone for a simple, clunky silver cross that settled between her breasts.
She went to the place she used to watch the sunsets from: the top of the building she had first modeled in. The security were familiar with her and didn't question her sudden visit.
No one else knew yet of her loves' deaths. She wondered how many ever would.
The top of the building was usually off-limits, but Misa was a Very Important Person who had A Lot Of Money And Fame, so she reached it with no major problems.
The sun was setting. She could feel its warmth slipping away beyond the horizon, gold rays giving her skin a dying kiss before disappearing.
"I'm sorry. I love you," she whispered, and jumped.
(She didn't know which one she was speaking to, but it didn't matter. Because whether it was for her God or her fiancé, it was done for a man she loved and was willing to die for.)