Disclaimer: Saiyuki is (c)Kazuya Minekura, Enix Co., Tv Tokyo, etc. I do not claim to own any of these characters, though the views expressed within my story are my own. All original characters and ideas in this story are (c)kitsune-oni (userid:289468), and use of my stories and/or any original plots, themes or characters will not be tolerated. This disclaimer applies to the entire story, "Penitence".
A/N: To the new faces - this is a parallel/sequel/whatever you call it of the story "No Regrets". While you may read this without reading the other, I suggest you read the other first. This story is told from Sanzo's point of view, of what happened to them while Goku was away. I'm going to try make them as close as possible (so chapter 1 of this is at the same time as chapter 1 of No Regrets)
The introduction may seem strange, but I wrote it in this style intentionally. It's best read aloud. If not, just read the punctuation. When there is none, that means he is rushing through the words and saying them all together, get it? ^^This may seem a bit OOC for Sanzo, but you'll see his deteriorment later on.
Just posting because it's my bday and I love you all and I want to show that yes I _am_ working. Dunno when I can next update, depends on Kaida.
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Introduction
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In the small circle of pain within the skull
You still shall tramp and tread one endless round
Of thought, to justify your action to yourselves,
Weaving a fiction which unravels as you weave,
Pacing forever in the hell of make-believe
Which never is belief: this is your fate on earth
And we must think no further of you.
-TS Eliot
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I still can't believe what I did - the sins I committed. I can feel the guilt crawling through me, like wounds on my skin, visible to the whole world.
I can't believe I lost my self-control like that… there was too much pressure pushing down on me and I felt I'd never make it… I felt insecure, lost, alone. I felt powerless. I was pulled towards you against my will, logic just closed down and I wanted you, and I had to take you and, I had to use you, I had to I had to… it's all my fault.
I don't know how it happened, what hit me first, but suddenly I was split in two and that cold, sarcastic, separate side laughed at my mistakes and was always watching me, mocking me, always there to judge me control me drive me mad…
Watching you and how carefree you were would make me jealous. I was supposed to be your sun, your guiding light, and what was I doing, thinking? I couldn't stop the thoughts inside, I couldn't control them, and I wondered what you'd do if the sun set and left you in the dark… maybe then I wouldn't be alone because you'd be blind beside me, I wouldn't have to watch you flourish every day while I suffered. You'd loose that naïve innocence and put my heart at rest.
I couldn't trust myself anymore. I was sinking, succumbing to temptation, and I had to cling on to you for survival. I hated you for that. I always prided myself on being able to survive alone, yet I needed you to live, so I thought if I climbed up on to your back, made you sink instead of me, than maybe I'd survive, I'd live… but I was wrong because it just made things worse. I did everything completely wrong. I stood there all that time acting cold and distant, and than I came to your doorway and used you, used you when I cared for you. And you ran away. I was so sad I wanted to stay in my own wonderland after that, though they tried to drag me out of it - they didn't understand, they thought I was sad but I wasn't, I was GUILTY, I was ASHAMED, I was MAD, at me, of course, not at you. I had frightened you away, swallowed up in my own selfish thoughts. For this I could never forgive myself.
I longed to fall asleep and wake up and discover it was all a dream but I couldn't - I was still here, I was still dreaming, nothing had changed. I had to face the fact that I had used you, made you run away, distanced you, tortured you, hurt you…
And I never said sorry
And I never told you I loved you
and now it's too late