After many requests, pleadings & outright beggings, Story Teller Guy has agreed to tell the Dickens' classic 'A Christmas Carol' from Grand Admiral/Proctor Yuri Donovan's point of view. The premise is that Yuri is lonely, despondent and dejected at being left behind when Grand Marshall of the Aquarian Galaxy Kei(rran) O'Halloran takes all the third year tro-con cadets on a training mission including all of Yuri's dearest tomodachi (friends). It is several years after the 'Angelic Pyramid' incident and Yuri re-imagines 'Kei's Dream Sequence' from 'Christmas With the Dirty Pair' the way she imagines it to have REALLY been-
DISCLAIMER: A rousing domo arigatou to Haruka-San Takachiho and his creations as well as all other creations by every other author/creator that I used in this tale. I disclaim any rights to any but my own characters that I have used. Now I must apologize for some of the coarse, vulgar and risque language and adult innuendoes in this tale so don't blame me if the kiddies read this and start dropping profanities all over the place. Read it yourselves dear parents and grandparents before letting little Suzie or little Jimmy read it OK? Then without further ado here is Chapter or as Charlie Dickens put it Stave One-
'YURI DONOVAN'S CHRISTMAS CAROL- AD 2255'
STAVE 1 'It's Lonely At the Top' or 'Why Not To Read Holo VidNovels Late At Night'
The year was AD 2255 and sitting in the Dean's office at Takachiho Academy in Furool (Foo-Lon) City in Eastern Shimougou, the acting dean of the 3WA Academy was bored outta her ever lovin' gourd. With the Boss (Grand Marshall of the Aquarian Galaxy Keirran O'Halloran who was also the Academy's Dean) away on a training mission her subordinate Grand Admiral/Proctor/Acting Dean Yuri Donovan was temporarily left to run the Academy.
The depressed, desolate and despondent 'Lovely Angel' was sad, lonely and bored. The firebrand Hellcat (Kei) was off teaching the third year trouble consultant (tro-con) 3WA cadets the ins and outs of piloting and commanding a K-Class patrol starship through the cosmos of the Universes. Assisting her on the mission were Brigadier Marlene Angel and Subaltern (jg) Kome Sawaguchi. Cadets Second Class Edna Jordan and Rio DelCroix under the tutelage of Sub-Ensign Angela deRoncesvalles were aboard the 'Lovely Angel 2' along with the other tro-con wannabes.
Poor Yuri hardly knew most of the other cadre and students except for Unit Sector Chief Ella Hathaway but Ella was away on a skiing holiday in the Girol Mountains. A sad state of affairs just a few days before Kurusumasu Ibu (Christmas Eve) to be sure. Territirial Sector Chief Charles Augustus 'Uncle Chuckie' Garner had reluctantly turned down Yuri's request for holiday leave because as he put it 'Somebody has to run the damned place, don't they?' and bang zip zowie went Yuri's plans for a relaxing trip to Kagura to spend the holidays with Cpts Nat and Lance Edwards now permanent crew members of the 'Outlaw Star' starship.
"Dammit all! It would have been nice to see Gene (Starwind) and Jimbo (Hawkings) and Villa again too. I got nothin' to do. The paperworks all finished. I even vidded up all of those late last year reports on the 'Haranga' incident that the airhead was supposed to have done. I'm sick of vid TV and Ed took the darn vid player apart before she left with Jett and Spike and Faye. Nai (No), it was that blasted blonde terror Winry Rockabelle that did it before she went back to Amestris with Shorty (Ed Elric) and Ironpants (Al Elric). I'm bored! Did ya hear that, 'CC' (Central Computer Unit on loan to the Academy for teaching purposes)? Mugghi? You got any new vid catalogues? Nai? Oh I am so mad at that red-headed ding dong I could just scream!" she mused aloud.
"Go ahead and scream then, lovey." said 'CC' who loved taunting everyone at the Academy and the 3WA. This week he was picking up on old catch phrases from ancient Terran TV shows like McHale's Navy.
"I told you to stop doing that, you overgrown bag of junk!" screeched the violet-maned minx vixen. The portals flashed aside and a tall striking brunette entered. Naomi Armitage was pissed off as well. The only robot android able to give birth to a human child was hopping mad at being stuck here over the holidays while Clay and Annie were enjoying the hot springs up in Zardon Falls on Mars.
"Why don't you shut yer trap, Donovan and just read a damned holo vidnovel for Kami's sake! The vidcopier and the repper ain't been workin' right ever since Nellie (Neliel du Oderschwanck) and Rinnie (Adopted daughters of Sesshomaru and Alicia Higurashi the newlyweds) decided to make 'em work better by hooking old warp core drives to 'em both! I've had enough! I'm goin' out for a pizza. Wanna come, kiddo?" invited Naomi while sliding her small Mark IIIA blaster into her shoulder holster and zipping up her leather jacket. (Kei's law was 'Never go anywhere off campus or on campus outdoors without firepower ever' and woe betide whoever the Hell broke that rule!).
"Yeah, why the oni (devil) not? We'd better take your sky sled though. Mine's aboard the 'LA2' and that's gone. I'll meet ya up on the roof. OK? I wanna morph into a winter uniform and I gotta er you know- go?" replied Yuri and Naomi lit a cheroot and nodded.
"Five minutes, kiddo. Roof Dock nine alpha in HHJ sector. Don't keep me waiting." called Naomi over her Kelvinite shoulder.
After answering nature's call, Yuri morphed into a warm fuzzy 3WA winter uniform which would have made ancient Terran TV's Major Hochstetter on Hogan's Heroes green with envy. Checking her wristchromo hurriedly she was soon sprinting for the lift. You just did NOT keep Naomi Armitage waiting because her temper was almost as bad as the Boss's was!
Driving back a few hours later with Naomi passed out in the back seat (Didn't know that robotic 'droids could get smashed, did ya?), Yuri Donovan was furious! She hadn't gotten pie-eyed at the 'Moon Over Mayhem' Bar & Grille- Naomi Armitage had! Yet when the gendarmes from the 'ISSP' showed up, guess who got arrested along with the other rowdies?
Not only that but when she'd flashed her red/white/aoishi (blue) ID vid card with a silver stripe (Yuri was a bloody Grand Admiral and Acting Marshall after all!) the ISSP sergeant had simply quipped 'Yer kin get those things at the Malls, Honey.'
Then he'd had her tossed in the clink! Strolling past on his way to his office Rafe Donnelly recognized her and Milady Armitage and had had them both released into his custody and sent them home. Good old Rafey! Now all Yuri wanted was a hot toddy, a few Hydroxylein capsules and bed.
After dumping Naomi in Kei's bed in the room next to her own (Yuri hadn't a clue as to where Milady resided) to sleep it off, Yuri had changed into jammies and kimono, slid her feet into mules and sat down with her toddy after swallowing three Hydroxylein capsules. Idly flipping through the holo vid novels she found one that reminded her of the season and began to read and doze-
"Well, Mistress Cratchit? Did you order those power packs for those new Mark XXXV's yet?" barked an impatient Keirran O'Scrooge to her clerk.
"Er, yes'm. Ah-ah-ahchoo! Gomen, er sorry mum but it's a bit chilly in here (16 degrees Kelvin = minus 10 degrees Fahrenheit). Would it be OK for me to increase the dilythium flow rheostat just a tad, a very teensy bit?" replied Yuri Eleanor Cratchit, the feared 'Icewoman of Shimougou's faithful assistant.
"Hell nai (no), dammit! That shit costs half a credit per kilo! Besides you ain't staying. You gotta make a delivery. Take this vidnote to Jimmy Waldess and collect the 10K credits he owes me for eliminatin' that bastard O'Malley for him last week! Now get a move on yer ass!" snarled the firebrand Hellcat Amazon redhead.
Yuri shivered but tapped the vidnote into her PDO vidpad and headed out the portal.
"OK darn it, Boss. I'm goin', dipstick!" she retorted angrily.
"Dumbass broad!" shouted Kei.
"Moron!" yelled back the violet-maned minx vixen.
"Ashita (Tomorrow) is Kurusumasu Ibu (Christmas Eve) so I suppose you'll want all day off the enxt day for the holiday- again?" howled the tallish green-aizued removal expert.
You see Mr Waldess, the local mob boss lived offworld on 'Xygon VI', one of Shimougou's numerous moons. It was, of course, 16 lightyears from 'Shimougou' so it would take poor Mrs Cratchit an entire day to get there and another to return. (Different time zone though so she'd be back late Christmas Eve).
"If it's convenient, mum." she answered demurely and sweetly.
"It sure as jigoku (Hell) ain't convenient and it ain't fair, dammit!" raved the redhead hotly.
"It's only once a cycle, you baka ass moron!" screeched Mrs Cratchit just as angrily. (The Boss would never can Yuri because nobody else in the entire Aquarian Galaxy would work for her)!
"You'd think yerself illused if I docked ya 25 credits for it yet ya don't give a shit that I gotta fork over a day's wages for no bloody work, do ya?" grumbled Kei.
"It's- oh bother! Whatever! Can I take the 'Raphael' for the jaunt?" pleaded Yuri quietly.
"Nai, take 'Leonardo' 'cause the 'Raph's got a leaky warp core, stupid!" cried her Boss.
"Aw, I guess you had better have the whole day but you be sure to git yer ass in here by 0400 (4 AM) the next day to get started cleaning that used 'railgun' that Dash (Rendar) sold me last week. By the way, how's that lazy little brat o' yours, kiddo?" she added with lygoric acid in her voice. Then she fired up one of her obnoxious cheroots.
Yuri gagged and coughed before replying.
"For Kami's (God's) sake, Kome's only seven! And I already told ya that she is not going to learn how to use a blaster or a disruptor until she's nine! I do not give a shimatta (damn) that you iced your first guy when you were four! Anyway, she's sick with 'Rudellian Flu' again. You don't give a crap that she's dying or you'd loan me that 2K so she can have that operation.
"Tiny Kome's all I got left now that my other six kids are training with the 'ISSP' and my Jimbo's MIA (Missing In Action) from the 'KASP' (Kaguran Air & Space Patrol) and if I gotta sell my tamja (soul), she will get well! Sayonara, ya stingy old bitch!" shrieked Yuri who was mad as Hell that she couldn't slam the automatic portals of the 'Killers R Us' edifice behind her.
"Who ya callin' old dammit! I am only two months older than you, airhead!" screamed the Boss but she was shouting to an empty room.
"One of these days she'll go too far and I'll sack her kawaii (lovely) ass, that I will! I don't care if she is family either, dammit!" mused Kei aloud as she sealed the outer portals and activated the quadruple force beam barriers across them.
Meanwhile Yuri was firing up the 'Leo's thrusters and checking the warp core fuel mixture very carefully while her Tiny Kome toyed with the sonic cannon's controls.
"Kome! Don't play with those! Isn't it bad enough that we are banned from 'Grenfell IV' because you nuked the 'Thongor Mall' without yout trying to nlow up something else!" scolded her irate Mama.
"That was a accident Mummy. Anyway Auntie Icey told me to 'Never blows up tomorrow what you can blows up today', Mummy. Hey, what does this pedal do?" asked the innocent appearing tow-headed pink-haired schoolgirl.
"Kome! Ka-Mi! That's the foot trigger for the 'God Gun' and I haven't dismantled the darn thing yet! Go play on the holodeck with 'Artok'. I got work to do and hyperdrives to burn if wer're to get back home by Kurusumasu Ibu. Rep us up some dinner in an hour, Honey." finished the now cooler former hit lady Mom.
"OK. C'mon 'Artok'. I wanna play 'Clones Forever' and you're 'it'!" giggled Tiny Kome.
"Coming, Miss Kome." replied the ship's central computer good naturedly. ('CC' he sure as Hell was not)!
Yuri lifted clear of the tiny (Only half a thousand air slots) 'Splattertown' spaceport and rocketed off towards 'Big Jimmy's moon.
An hour later 'Artok' guided a fully laden anti-grav trolley with two Philly cheesesteaks, fries, onion rings, Danish pastries and super chocolate shakes onto the flight deck.
"Again Kome? You are going to turn into a Philly cheesesteak sub." chortled Yuri.
"You did tell me no more pizzas, ya know." sulked a sullen Kome while rubbing her ass where Eno her data inu (doggie) had grabbed her before she could float out of the shuttle's airlock.
Tiny Kome was far from being a good little kid like Charlie Dickens' Tiny Tim. However, she did visit the Furool (Foo-Lon) City's Shinto shrine every weekend and prayed to Susannah Oh to make her well.
Oblivious to all of this crap, Miss O'Scrooge had at last reached home (She had been tossed out of six bars and two cafes)- a tiny 16 room flat on the 127th floor of 'Nakasone Towers' just a short air speeder ride from her 'Killers R Us' offices.
"Open this damned portal, 'Tud', ya lazy ass!" she shouted at the top of her lungs while contemplating Iris McMarley's mug in the vidscreen lockset.
"Ka-Mi! She's been roshii (dead) fer seven cycles in fact didn't she buy it seven cycles back this very night? 'Tud'!" she snarled just as the portals swished aside and a shy voice squeaked out "Correct, Kathleen. Onegai (Please) enter."
'Tud' was Kei's own 'Artok'-like central computer servant.
"I thought I told ya never to call me by that name, dammit!" she ranted while stumbling into the java table and falling onto the divan.
"Two 'droids called earlier for you collecting for the poor children on 'Dantoonine' and I took the liberty of authorizing them to deduct a hundred credits from your account in your name, mum. Never fear, it is all entirely tax deductible, Kath- er Kei." mumbled the voice.
"It damned well better be! I'll retire to Bedlam!" slurred the drunken sot on the divan.
"That'll be the day! Ol' Scratch'll have to move outta jigoku when she shows up there!" thought Kakashi (Kei's twenty-five feet long pet bull python) from his post by the kitchen. Tonight he was gonna get another 'Lygurian Smegget' for his dinner. (A 'smegget' was a well like a large marpit or rodent). Pythons only eat once every three months because it takes that long for them to digest their din din.
"Hey Kashi! C'mere baby!" Kei clapped her gloved hands together and her pet stared at her like she'd been smoking dilythium and who knows- maybe she had! Anakes especially pythons and other constrictors are like neko (cats) in that they do not do tricks nor do they come running when they are called!
Giving it up for a bad idea, Kei staggered into the kitchen (She had been boozing it up all night with Romulan Aoishi (Blue) Ale) and repped up some ramen, a lousy mess of noodles and Kami knew what else (Eb was lucky. He at least got gruel)! Taking the yucky stuff into her study and Kami knows exactly why a liquidator needs a study but oro (what) the Hell!- she slooped it like a pig because Kei detested silverware (except for knives and kanai) and never got the hang of using chop sticks and besides, she had no damned table manners anyway!- until the Mickey Mouse clock (an antique she had acquired from ancient Terra) struck the hour of 0300 or 3 in the morning.
Just then all Hell broke loose sending Kashi skittering up the stairs to the roof! Next a loud clanking noise began all the way up 127 flights of stairs to Milady's flat at 127-D!
"Shit! Why the bloody jigoku does my contract say that I ain't allowed to use the bloody turbolift? My feet are killin' me dammit!" howled a deep contralto voice from the lower hallways.
Kei leaped to her feet and yanked out her trusty Mark XIII ion cannon!
"Get the Hell outta here or I'll make Swiss cheese outta ya, ya damned stupid baka!" she slurred before her legs gave out and she crashed to the floor on her knees.
Slowly the portals shimmered crimson then green and seemed to be aflame!
That did it! Keirran had had e-nough for one night! Zap! Crack! Boom! The portals exploded and a million pieces of grey Kelvinite showered down nearly covering a shadowy spectre in the doorway!
"You damned bitch! My Mama gave us those portals for MY birthday, Katie!" cried a tall statuesque blonde bombshell of a spectral image who was as transparent as crystal.
"Damn! My bloody feet are killin' me and look oro ya done to my new tunic! For Kami's sake, Katie, I'm a friggin' 'yuyu' (ghost/spectr/spirit- take your pick)! You can't ice me! I'm already 'roshii' (dead)! I'm a bloody corpse, kiddo!" raved the silver clad blonde, brushing away pieces of razor sharp metal like it was confetti.
She was bound in chains of golden Kelvinite which were made up of blazing vid contracts, blasters, ion cannons, phasers, photon bombs, nitroglycine blocks, disruptors, power packs and kami knew oro else!
"Katie! It's me or should that be it is I? Molly did explain that all too well before she died at Waldess's hands.** Anyway it's Iris, Iris (Lady Flair) McMarley! In life, I was your friggin' partner, the better half of 'Killers R Us', your compadre-in-arms, baby! Hey! Ya still got that purple-haired bimbo freakazoid workin' for ya?" yawned a tired Iris, kicking off her Cavalier boots and unzipping her damaged tunic. She collapsed onto the divan and curled up to sleep.
"Mind if I crash here for a bit? I'll go as soon as your first spook shows up, kid." pleaded the former hitwoman sleepily.
"Never knew that you were prejudiced, kiddo?" yawned a sleepy liquidator redhead.
"I meant the first 'yuyu', dumbass." giggled Iris McMarley, sitting up and filching one of Kei's cheroots and igniting it with a flick of her fingers which shot forth a cobalt aoishi (blue) flame fully a metre high!
" I guess so. Just be sure he leaves when you do dammit." snarled the firebrand Amazon Hellcat, her emerald aizu (eyes) flashing fire.
"Can't do that, Sweetie. I went to a Helluva lotta trouble procurin' this chance for ya and Ol' Scratchy didn't like it either. Expect the first when the bell tolls 0100 hours (1 AM). Expect the next spectre-" explained Iris before Kei interrupted her ex-partner in crime. Even in the 23ed Century the law frowned upon killing for profit.
"Whoa there, Honey! Hold the hyperdrives one Kami shimatta nanosecond! It's well past 0300 so you're too damned late!" she chortled merrily.
"Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that the trio are hitchin' a ride on the Doctor's TARDISes? So the first will be here at 0100, the second the next night at the same hour and the third the followin' night when the last stroke of twelve hath ceased to vibrate and well you get the pix eh? Who the oni (devil) writes this crap for us anyway?" chuckled the blonde.
Not them three pests again! They scared the jigoku outta poor Kashi last time they showed up!" grumbled Keirran O'Scrooge, pouring herself four fingers of Jameson's and then handing another to Iris who accdepted it greedily.
"We er can't get nuttin' but Synthenol *** down below!" she explained sheepishly and took a very demure and ladylike sip while Kei belted hers down in one go. Iris jumped up quickly onto the java table or rather she would have had she not been ethereal. Instead she sunk through the table and half way through the floor beneath it.
"Oh good Ka-Mi! Don't tell me that ya still got that slitherin' bloody 'maru' (snake or serpent) in this place? Where the jigoku is it, Katie?" yelped Iris, trying to peek underneath the divan and managing to get her head stuck in the table's crystal surface.
"Probably up on the roof. You musta scared him." replied a bored Kei.
Suddenly the wall clock struck 0300 hours and a trio of 'enjeru' angels chased a horny 'oni' (devil) who looked a lot like Mr Poporo around the clockface before belting him in the chops with their teeny tiny fists. The timepiece had been a gift to Kei from Aquarian Galaxy Supreme Chief Andre Francis Gooley many years ago.
The occasion? Kei's first anniversary as a senior 3WA tro-con (trouble consultant or intergalactic cop) back when the redhead was a tender sixteen years of age!
At that same moment, a familiar pulsing noise was heard followed by a flashing white beacon atop an ancient aoishi Terran Britain 'police box' out of which popped an elderly gentleman. Doctor #3 very closely resembled Jon Pertwee.
"Meri Kurusumasu (Merry Christmas) to one and all and has St Nicholas arrived for his three o'clock yet?" he said very matter of factly.
Behind him came a very short Tsuni Usagi 'Sailor Moon' who was clothed in a very long and old-fashioned nightgown of purest azure Samite and emblazoned with stars and moons galore.
"Wrong story, ya old fool! This ain't 20th Century Terran LA either, stupid! Oh hiya Auntie Flair and Auntie Kei. (She fished a note out of her bosom) I am the Spirit o' Kurusumasu Past , Auntie Kei and ya gotta comes with me." explained the child of twelve summers.
"Says who?" retorted the redhead hotly.
"She's the 'yuyu' I told ya about, Reds. C'mon Doc. I need a ride back below. It's almost time for the 'Duel Monsters' tourney and I got a bundle bet on the 'Dark Ryuu (Dragon) Mage', Pop. Good luck, Katie me darlin'. You'll sure as jigoku need it." said a yawning Iris, zipping up her ruined tunic and retrieving her boots before stepping aboard the TARDIS and giving the Doctor a shove through the portal.
"Alright, I'm going. There is no need to push, young woman and do stop calling me 'Pop'!" fussed the tall time lord from Gallifrey. The usual hoots and whistles and the TARDIS Type 40 travelling machine vanished in a puff of smoke.
"Finally! I thought they'd never leave! Damned nightie! Auntie Kei, can I borrow some of your stuff for our journey? Onegai?" asked the small schoolgirl from 20th Century Terran Japan.
Kei did a double take and gagged on her cheroot!
"Journey! Oro friggin' journey?" she demanded. ]
END of Stave One. Stay tuned for Stave Two- 'Mooney Gets A Spanking' or 'Kei Meets Jackie Chan- Again'