Savin' Me [Songfic]
Equius Zahhak X Reader
|Prison gates won't open up for me
|On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
|Oh, I reach for you
I sat in my corner. It wasn't a special corner, just a corner in my bedroom that I sat in when my depression came out of hiding. Which was every time I was around my crush, which happened to be every other day. He didn't know you were crushing on him, even though you dropped hints here and there. You were good at keeping secrets, he was so oblivious to your hints that you might as well not be saying anything, and you were certain that if he knew he would be disgusted by it, but you still did it. You hoped he would develope feelings or you, but no, it just wasn't going to happen.
I look at the cuts on my stomach. I cut there so no one would see them and freak out. All my fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, anger and regret were in these cuts. Your life has been a piece of shit and nobody in your family cares, they even are a bit abusive towards you. You appreciate your solitude but it would be nice to know that someone is there for you.
In the corner of my room I cry about how I wish I could have done things differently.
|Well I'm terrified of these four walls
|These iron bars can't hold my soul in
|All I need is you
It's school again, and I can barely walk from all the blood loss. Crying my eyes out last night didn't help either. I wobble my way through my first three hours and, finally, the lunch bell rings. I go out into the hallway, slower than everybody else. I feel so light headed, I really must have have cut too deeply last night after crying.
"Are you okay? Do you need to go to the nurses office?" said Feferi. I didn't want her to worry or worse find out that I cut.
"I'm fine. I just need something to eat." You then start to walk away to your locker. Everything starts to spin around you.
"Oh fuck." was the last thing I say before blacking out.
|Come please I'm callin'
|And oh I scream for you
|Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
I'm frolicking through a field of Forget Me Nots', and I haven't felt this happy in years. This color reminds me of Equius. Ever since we were five he had always been my tall handsome hero, even now I can't get over him.
"(Name), is that you?" A soft, deep voice asked from behind me. I turned to see Equius, wearing his usual black tank top and khaki shorts with leggings underneath. He wasn't sweating which was unusual for him.
"Hi, Equius. How did you get here?" My crush was here with me. Maybe I should stop dropping hints that I like him and finally just tell him.
"I'm not sure. I was working on a new robot when I suddenly got dizzy. I somehow ended up here after that." Equius was lying to me, I could tell since I had known him for years.
"Tell me what really happened, Equius."
"Yes, (Name). I...I was in my restroom and...I had a razor in my hand. Then I...I'm so sorry, (Name). I couldn't deal with how everyone treats me any more." Equius had tears running down his face. I go to Equius and hug him tightly around his waist. Everyone, but me, treats Equius like a freak because of his abnormal strength and height.
"I understand Equius, I did it too."
|Show me what it's like
|To be the last one standing
|And teach me wrong from right
|And I'll show you what I can be
Equius and I sat in the field for I don't know how long. Talking about different things. You eventually started showing him how to make chain out of the flowers, he was terrible at it. He would always end up crushing the flowers or accidentally rip the chain.
He looked so cute when he was frustrated. But I couldn't tell him how I felt, he had tried to commit suicide. Or succeeded, I wasn't quite sure. This place didn't really have a feel of time to it, but I knew that time was passing, our hair was growing longer by the minute? Hour?
I was kind to him, he needed it. More than me. Yes I had cut, but that was because I didn't have anyone to confide in. Equius had because no one but me and his murdered friend had ever treated him like he was normal, worthy of happiness, and a person.
"Equius, lean down please." He leans down and you put a finished flower necklace on him. He looks at it with amazement, the flowers really make the blue in his eyes pop. He looks so handsome that it hurt, he would never be mine, the girl that couldn't even tell her crush that she loved him.
"Thank you, (Name). It's beautiful." Equius didn't know it but with every action of his he was breaking my heart further. He tried repeatedly to make a flower chain but it just wasn't working for him.
|And say it for me, say it to me
|And I'll leave this life behind me
|Say it if it's worth saving me
I blinked open my eyes to bright lights, making me shut them quickly. There was no scent to the air and my body felt like it hadn't moved in forever.
I blink my eyes open a few times trying to adjust to the lights. When I finally do I see that I'm in the hospital. Nothing personal is in my room, it's as if they could wheel this bed out of here and be ready for the next patient.
'Was everything with Equius just some coma induced dream?' You hoped not and at the same time you did. You wanted it to be real because you had never seen Equius so at peace without Nepeta, and you wanted it to be fake because you didn't want Equius to hurt so bad that he would try and/or succeed in taking his own life.
A nurse came in carrying a clipboard. She stopped in her tracks when she saw my eyes open.
"How long have you been awake?" she asks after a moment.
"Not long." My voice is raspy and hurts. "Is Equius Zahhak here, in this hospital?"
|Heaven's gates won't open up for me
|With these broken wings I'm fallin'
|And all I see is you
The nurse tells you that there's no Equius Zahhak waiting for you. You immediately feel dread well up in your chest.
"Is he a patient here then?" I need to know that Equius is alive and well, even if only in the hospital.
"I'll go check the records to see. I'll be back in a bit." and with that the nurse walks out of the room, leaving me to my thoughts.
Surely Equius didn't really take a razor to himself? He was such a strong person, both physically and mentally. Of course the murder of Nepeta had torn him up pretty badly, but I had always been there him for when he needed a shoulder. But nobody can be strong at all times, not even Equius.
|These city walls ain't got no love for me
|I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
|And oh I scream for you
"There is an Equius Zahhak. He was admitted one week after you were, for almost the same thing and he also went into a coma." The nurse said drawing me out of my thoughts. Was he here because of me? Because I wasn't there for him?
"Thank you." She then went to go do something. The only person in the world that I loved and actually cared about may have tried to kill himself because I was stupid for being a cutter. How long had I been in that coma? It had seemed like only a few hours but if our hair in the coma place was any indication we had been there for a couple years.
God, I felt like dying because of how shitty a person I was. "I'm sorry Equius."
|Come please I'm callin'
|And all I need from you
|Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
'Why am I so stupid? Equius probably tried to kill himself because he couldn't bare the thought of me being the only one to treat him decently.' There was my depression rearing its ugly head.
It probably wasn't true, but my thoughts were making me begin to doubt that he had not hurt himself to get away from me. Stupid depression, ruining my life or what it used to be. I don't even know how long I was in a coma, It could have been years or months.
All that time in the field with him felt so short, yet it could have been years, our hair had grown quite a bit. His had went from chin length to just past his shoulders, and mine had went from chin length to past my waist. Was it even still like that? Or had the staff at the hospital cut it?
I wonder when I can see Equius again. Is out of his coma yet, or is he alone in that field of flowers?
|Show me what it's like
|To be the last one standing
|And teach me wrong from right
|And I'll show you what I can be
The next people through the door shocked me. Had the nurse went and called them? These bastards that didn't even care about me were acting worried for my well being.
"Sweetie, are you alright?" asked your mother with a worried look. Your father acted the exact same way, it would have fooled you if you hadn't lived with them for all of your seventeen, almost eighteen before the coma, years. They still had a glint of malice in their eyes, for being the great actors that they are for the public they needed to be beaten.
"Get out." I saw the nurse by the door look a little shocked at this.
"What?" Mother said in a fake hurt voice, the hatred in her eyes coming to the surface even more.
"I said get the hell out of this room and don't ever come see me again." You put all the hate that you could muster into your voice, which was so much it was almost inhuman, and directed it at them.
"That is no way to talk to your mother." My father said.
"Neither of you are my parents. If you had been you wouldn't have abused me and my brother until he left and I cut myself so badly that I went into a coma. If that isn't enough proof of you not being my parents then I don't know what the fuck is. Now get out of this room and never. Come. Back. Ever." I was exhausted from telling those two to never come back again. The anger had drained what little energy I had upon waking.
They left after some hateful glares were exchanged. The nurse stood by the door, in shock, not moving with her mouth hanging open. She eventually snapped out of it.
"That was a very brave thing you did." Then she left the room and I went to sleep.
|And say it for me, say it to me
|And I'll leave this life behind me
|Say it if it's worth saving me
|Hurry I'm fallin'
A doctor, Doc Scratch, came in after you had slept for few more hours. You had been in a coma for three years, and because of how deeply you cut into your stomach you had almost bleed to death internally, and you couldn't have children because the strain may kill you. He explained in depth all of your medical problems, yet he did it simple enough for you to understand. When he was finished and made sure that you understood before he started to leave.
"Wait, Doc Scratch. Is Equius Zahhak here, as a patient?" The nurse had said so, but you needed confirmation.
"Yes, he is. He is another patient of mine, do you wish to know his condition?" I nod my head. "It has you listed as a contact for him, even though you were not yet eighteen before your coma, so I will tell you. He woke from his coma within one hour after you, and has been asking about you. It would seem that the boy, well man now, is quite enamored with you. He kept saying things like '(Name), she is my savior', he was not hindered by medication of any kind. I think he has gotten over his suicidal tendencies. Even though he was in a coma, maybe he used an image of you to keep him going."
"Thank you. Um, when will I be able to see him?"
"After both of you have some physical therapy, and can sit in wheelchairs and move them by yourselves, that is when you will be allowed to see each other. You were both just in a coma that lasted three years, you won't have the use of your legs for quite some time."
"Thank you, again." Doc Scratch nods and leaves the room. I'll get to see Equius soon and maybe I'll ask him out.
"See you soon Equius."
|And all I need is you
|Come please I'm callin'
|And oh I scream for you
|Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
The physical therapy started two days later. It was very painful, but I forced myself to endure them. Seeing Equius was my top priority, and if I needed to do this just to see him sooner then I would. Every day was five hours of therapy, with ninety minute breaks in between.
Every day I was sore tired and in a great deal of pain from relearning how to use my muscles and build up strength in said neglected muscles. Equius has always been strong so maybe he's having a better time with it than me.
Today was no different. The muscles in your arms hurt like they were slowly being burned away while trying to reattach to your bones. However, today was different, today you would get to see Equius. It had been torture to know that he was so close but so unreachable because of your body's weakness.
Today when you would finally see him, you were going to give him a card that you had drawn yourself. You weren't the best of artists but you could at least tell that it was a field of blue with two figures in it. Hopefully he really had been in that same field of flowers, and you would finally have a chance to tell him your feelings.
On the front you had drawn some horses, centaurs, bows with arrows, and cats. It had taken forever and a lot of pain but you had gotten them to look just like you wanted them to. Albeit somewhat shittily because of you not moving your hands for three years.
"I love you Equius Zahhak. And I'm not letting you slip away this time, not because my own stupidity or yours or any one elses. I'm going to say it and not apologize or joke about it. I can be strong about this. I can." You said the uplifting words but you could only hope after all.
|Show me what it's like
|To be the last one standing
|And teach me wrong from right
|And I'll show you what I can be
You sat in a plain white room, hospitals are never in short supply of those, after a nurse had helped you into a wheelchair and lead you down here. The room was bland but for some pictures of horses and one photograph of a gray cat with green eyes. Equius would like this room, he did love equine beasts and organization.
"(Name)?" I heard a deep yet soft voice say.
"Equius?" Yes, it was your handsome crush. You knew that voice before you even turned to look at him. He was just like the last time you saw him in the meadow. His hair was still just past his strong shoulders and his eyes were still that shocking blue.
He was examining me as I was him. I also still looked the same, my hair was at my waist and my eyes weren't dull like how they had been before the coma and meadow. I hope he liked how I looked, I hadn't been able to put any real effort into it as I was in the hospital with no one to bring me anything that would help with my appearance.
"Equius, I have something to give to you." I was a bit wary of giving it to him but I knew that he wouldn't hate it.
"What is it, (Name)?" He asked curiously. I handed it to him and he gently took it. His eyes widened as he looked at the top, which was where the field was. He looked at me.
"Were you in a field of blue flowers while in your coma?" Just like Equius to not beat around the bush. Straight to the center of things, like an arrow.
"Yes. You were there too, right?" If he could guess that this picture was from when I was in my coma then he was there too.
"Yes. You really were there. That means that..." His voice trailed off. He was probably implying me cutting.
"That I was a cutter and know what you did? Yes. Those are the things that I learned in that field of Forget-Me-Not's." He was sad for a moment but then his face lit right back up.
"(Name)...The doctor said that I almost died in the beginning, but upon reaching the hospital became stable. I think that you are what saved me and, I, um." Equius was stumbling over his words, something that had never happened before. Why would he be so nervous about telling me something?
"(Name). I must tell you that after you left the field, Nepeta came and told something important and she also gave me some advice that I'm going to follow." Equius moved his wheelchair next to mine and took a deep breath. "(Name), after you disappeared I was depressed because you were the one person that made my life livable after Nepeta's death. When I found out what had happened I was saddened that I had missed my chance to tell you how I felt. Have felt for many years. And I was wondering since we're both out of our...medical conditions, would you like to be my girlfriend?"
|And say it for me, say it to me
|And I'll leave this life behind me
|Say it if it's worth saving me
|Hurry I'm fallin'
The words that Equius spoke were the ones that I had longed to hear for years. He was my tall handsome hero, and always would be. The fact that he actually wanted me to be his was a bit astonishing.
The silence after Equius's confession was making him uneasy, thinking that I had rejected him most likely.
"I understand if you do not wish to-"
"I would love to Equius!" I say, interrupting him. You sling your arms around him, pulling him close. Equius hesitantly moved his arms around me, carefully. He smelled like blackberries and his earthy sweat. He never actually smelled bad when he sweats, just rugged and manly.
"Thank you for not rejecting me." He whispers in my ear.
"Why would I reject you when I've loved you since we were kids? You were and are my tall handsome hero named Equius." He may never understand why I liked him, but as long as he knew that I loved him everything would be fine.
Equius and I took three more months of physical therapy before we were allowed to leave, but we were required to come back twice a week for additional therapy. The nurse that had been there when I first woke up, her name was Roxy and she was fun to gossip with, and I found out that a former classmate of mine, a girl by the name of Rose, was Roxy's younger sister.
Roxy knew that when you told your parents off that you would have no where to go so, being the kind hearted person that she is, she offered to let you live with her. It was a generous offer that you politely declined.
"Come on! I know that you have no where to go! Unless...Le gasp! Did Equius offer to let you live with him?" There was a sparkle in her eye at the idea.
"No, he-" I stopped talking as the door to my room opened.
"I overheard." Well, I am really embarrassed right now. "(Name), you can stay with me if you wish. Horuss and father were never at home to begin with and I would like the company."
Roxy was having a fangirl fit in the corner of the room, and I was blushing like mad. His offer was the second best thing that I had ever heard.
"Sure, Equius. I'll live with you." I smiled big to show my happiness and Roxy was actually squealing now from all of the 'kawaii-ness'. How this was super cute you didn't really know, but it was nice to see her happy.
"Thank you, (Name)." Equius then gave a rare smile.
"Why are you thanking me, Equius?"
"You make my life better and you were first love. I thank you because I don't think that I could live without your exquisite form by my side." The room was silent for a moment before you and Roxy started fangirling over what Equius had said.
|And say it for me, say it to me
|And I'll leave this life behind me
|Say it if it's worth saving me
"Welcome home, (Name)." Equius said as we exited the car. It was a lovely...mansion that was dark blue in color with white trimming and a black roof.
"It's our home now Equius." You reminded him. You were so telling Roxy about this when you got settled in.
The stairs were killer, even though there was only fifteen. When you finally got to the top you were out of breath and aching more than slightly. But it was worth it to see the look on Equius's face when he saw your own flushed, panting, and slightly moistened expression of happiness.
The door opened to let you in, when you walked in you saw Author, the Zahhak family butler that practically raised the two Zahhak brothers.
"Hello Young Master and Miss (Name). It's nice to finally see you two again." Author says warmly.
"The same to you Author." You say just as warmly, and with a hug to the middle aged butler.
"You don't have to act so uptight around me, you know that Author." I say as his arms hesitantly wrap around me. All of them were such gentlemen.
"I shall show you to your new room, Miss (Name)." Author says, less stiffly. Equius must have phoned the house to let them know I was staying.
"Thank you Author."
The room that you had been given was as big as a small house, about 100 square feet, it made you want to look at the master bedroom, but you were never going into Archer Zahhak's[Darkleer] bedroom unless your life depended on it.
It had the colors you loved, offset with some leather furniture. You also had a new touch screen computer that was so awesome you could only stare for ten minutes with you jaw on the floor. When you got out of you holy-shit-this-is-fucking-awesome phase, you turned on the computer and saw a horse background, and pesterchum already installed.
You then proceeded to have a gossip/gush session with Roxy. While remembering what was said when you left the hospital.
"Okay, you have my handle and I got yours. Don't fuck up with that boy. He's something that only comes around every couple hundred years. It's like good quality said 'this place is too hard to handle all the time' and went to take a seriously long nap. He's that kind of special. And if you need help you can always talk to me, (Name)y." She then gave you a crushing hug of friendship. "And if you get married I want to be one of your bridesmaids or maid of honor because, holy shit, you are, like, so fucking quality that this place is going to lose a lot of it's panache when you leave."
"C-calm down Roxy!" You wheeze out, that hug knocked the air out of you. "I'm still going to talk to you and see you. It's not like I'm moving to the other side of the world."
"I know but I'm just so happy for you and I already miss you!" She started wailing like a little kid that had it's toy taken away, clutching you to her person all the while.
A knock sounded at your door. You said goodbye to Roxy and went to answer it. It was Equius.
"(Name), I was wondering if you would like to go out for lunch?" Equius asked nervously. I giggle.
"Of course Equius. No need to be so nervous. We are dating now." The words calmed Equius a great deal, and he gently took your hand to lead you to the garage. The stairs to the garage were only three in number, thank gog.
Equius wouldn't say where you were going, just that it was a special surprise. You were okay with this, you had your love after all.
And, hopefully, you always would. No one else in the world made you feel like he did, everything in your life was made better now that you had Equius by your side.
-The End-