Last Night
--
-I'm still frustrated from last night
Things happened in half-time
I'm sick of the bends-
I
woke up in my own bed, which was, to me, a good sign.
Rolling
over and finding the space next to me empty…not so much.
I
got out of bed, slightly disoriented, praying that what I thought had
happened was just a bad dream. A nightmare. I thought that maybe I'd
go into the kitchen to find her sitting there, eating her fancy,
name-brand Captain Crunch with that
'shit-how-much-did-I-drink-last-night-look' on her face.
However, that wasn't the case.
The kitchen was empty, as was
the living room.
Seeing
my car keys on the table (I never put them there) made me slowly
start remembering things. Things that I didn't want to remember. Like
Matt driving me home and tucking me into bed since I was piss drunk,
because…
I felt nauseous suddenly and I felt my insides
clench.
I couldn't tell if it was from the sudden-realization
that my life was over, or the hangover.
-My panic research was no help
I sink into myself
Afraid of the fall that never ends-
Once I had finished throwing up, I paced the living room in my boxers, my arms wrapped around myself. I had to think of what to do. I couldn't call anyone. Why? Because then tough, heartless, independent Mello would be showing weakness. And that just wouldn't do. I sat on the couch and put my head in my hands, figuring that I should just curl up and die. Finally, I laid down and waited.
-I wait but I'm too tired to play pretend
I suffocate until the end-
I
stared at that phone for hours, trying to will it to ring.
'She'll
call,' I
told myself, 'Things
like this have happened before…fights and whatnot…the longest
she's been gone was a week, but that was a really bad fight…she'll
call any minute to tell me that she's coming home and if I want her
to pick up something for lunch…'
It
wasn't until sundown that I convinced myself to stop lying to
myself.
She wasn't calling.
She wasn't coming back.
-No
time for half-hearted goodbyes
I turn on the spotlight
And flee
from the scene-
The
next morning, I realized that I couldn't be at the apartment much
longer without going insane. So, I decided I would drive around for
awhile…try to clear my head. Before I left, I went into the bedroom
and turned on the lamp on the nightstand by the window. In case I
wasn't home by dark and she decided to come back…I wanted her to
know that I wouldn't turn her away.
I got on my bike and drove
around town, soon finding myself a few blocks from Matt and Psi's
apartment building. I contemplated whether or not I should stop by.
If only Matt was home, he'd probably try to awkwardly reassure me and
then try to instigate some kind of sexual activity. And if Psi was
there as well…that would just piss me off.
I drove off at highspeed, away from Matt's side of town.
I think I was afraid of showing up to find her there to talk with Psi or have a beer with Matt or something…and I wouldn't know what to do in a situation like that.
-Cheap flights from Paris to Bangkok
I thought it was nonstop
Can't sleep on the KLM again-
I
finally pulled over at a café to get some lunch, and I figured that
I'd call the one person I can always depend on: L. After going
through several line scramblers and reciting a list of passwords, I
finally heard the phone right. Just like always, he answered after
the third ring,
"Allô."
I blinked,
"Hey…it's me…" I trailed off, waiting
for an explanation as to why he was answering his cell phone in
French.
"Mello-kun? Yes, I expected you to be calling me soon." I swallowed,
"…she called you already, didn't she?"
I asked, my mouth dry.
"Yes,"
he answered, "About
one fourty-two pm yesterday afternoon, I believe it was." I sighed,
"Yea, well…then you know the situation."
"Yes, and I would like to give my deepest sympathies towards you, Mello-kun."
"Oh…well,
thanks…I guess…" We sat in an awkward silence for a moment,
before I spoke again,
"Hey," I said, not wanting to
call him 'L' in public, "Would you mind if I came over for a
bit? I wouldn't bother you or anything, I swear. Are you here in
London at the hotel?" There was a pause on the other line,
"To
tell you the truth, Mello-kun, I'm actually in Paris right now,"
'That
explains the French…'
I thought to myself, then allowed him to continue,
"I'm
finishing a bit of paperwork to close up a case and then I'm off to
Thailand,"
he said.
"Oh…"
"If
you'd like, I can have a private plane there to bring you here. It'd
only be an hour flight. I'll wait for you and you could come to
Thailand with me."
On any other day, I would've jumped at this offer…but I decided to
screw it. It wasn't worth the hassle.
"No…" I
mumbled, "That's alright…thanks though."
"Mello-kun…don't
let this consume you." I blinked, not expecting that from L,
"Okay…" I
said quietly, almost positive he didn't hear me, "Bye."
"Goodbye."
-I
haunt the halls of medicine at night
Choking back the urge to
fight-
Once I got home, it was about 7:30. I sat around on the couch eating chocolate, flipping through the channels, trying to think of anything else I could do. When I realized there wasn't anything, I got up and went back to the bedroom, closing the door behind me. I went into the bathroom and opened up the cabinet that doubled as a mirror over the sink, pulling out a bottle. Sleep aids; Matt had given them to me awhile back when we couldn't get ahold of L, so money was tight. I wasn't able to pay the electrical bills or buy chocolate (we had to use the money for food) so I had trouble sleeping.
I opened the bottle and put four in my hand, fully aware that I usually only took two.
I
looked at them for a moment, turning them over in my palm.
I
was acting like some depressed sap…sitting around, sleeping all the
time…
And I wasn't depressed.
Was I?
Finally, I
sighed and put the pills in my mouth, swallowing them dry.
-Her cat was clawing the floorboards
Just
outside of our door
The panic begins-
I heard a faint noise…scratching…meows…purrs…
My eyes snapped open; the cat. I totally forgot about that stupid cat! Maybe the sound was her sitting on the floor outside playing with him…she did that a lot…maybe she'd come home. I sat up and looked at the door, seeing a yellow paw wedged in the space between the door and the floor. I heard the cat meow as it started wiggling it's paw. I rolled my eyes. She wasn't home…the thing was just hungry. I hadn't fed him in a few days…
-I search the whole damn apartment
from ceiling to carpet
no sign of the things she used to own-
I got up out of bed and stretched, then walked to the door and opened it, gently nudging Mello the Cat out of the way with my foot. As I walked into the kitchen, the living room caught my eye. I frowned slightly and walked in, confused. It was like I was looking at one of those pictures…the ones where they show you the original, and then show you one where they took things out and you have to guess what's missing? That's what it was like.
There were some key things missing from the room…a box of magazines that she collected for no apparent reason, her "emergency flashlight" collection, a big blue fleece blanket that I'd gotten her for Christmas that used to hang over the side of the couch, an assortment of beer bottles that she kept on top of the television…I ran to the bedroom and opened the closet; all of her clothing was gone, along with a suitcase that she'd moved here with. I looked around some more; the electric keyboard that usually leaned up against the wall next to the window was gone. Hell, her pillow was even gone. Her pillow…she'd come in the room while I was sleeping. She was right there next to me for a brief moment.
I walked back out into the kitchen, noticing something on the table that I hadn't seen before. An envelope with my name on it. Mello. Not Mihael. I opened it up and pulled out a piece of light green stationary, recognizing her writing instantly.
'Mello,
I
came by and took my things.
You seemed to be asleep
the entire time.
I'll stop by and pick up the cat on
Wednesday at about 3:00.
Please don't be home when I
do.
Until then, if you could keep feeding him, that
would be great.
I'll
be staying at Whammy's with Near and Kerosene.
I've
already ok'd it with Roger, Watari, and L.
Right before
I left, I realized that I had something that belonged to you, so I
left it in the envelope.
Don't worry about me and take care of yourself.
I'll call you in a week or so to see how you're doing.
- Onion'
I reached back into the envelope and pulled out my rosary. I brought my hand to my neck; I didn't even realize it was gone.
-As autumn turns its back on me again
I climb the walls for oxygen-
I sat staring at the letter and rosary before setting them both down, slightly angry. I couldn't believe that she'd just came in and took her things. Though the place was partly hers and she did take her things. I opened the fridge to find she took all the beer, leaving me my vodka. I picked up the half-empty bottle and opened it, going over to the window and looking out at leaves falling to the ground from the tree right outside the living room window. I took a drink and shivered, closing the curtain, even though it was morning. I decided that it wasn't worth it anymore. I was going to go into the bedroom and drink my sorrows away. I didn't have anything to stay sober for.
'Please don't be home when I do…'
-My body aches
It
heaves
It shakes
All summersaults
Through so-called art-
I
drank so much that I got sick.
I had to run to the bathroom
to throw up.
I tried my best to hold my hair back out of my
face, but my arms felt weak.
My entire body felt weak…
My spirit felt weak.
I didn't know how much more of this I
could take.
-And I still don't know exactly who I am
I never will
Amen.-
I stumbled into the kitchen, no clue what time it was or how long I'd been drunk. I'd slept as well, so it was possible that days had passed. I glanced at her letter on the table, then at my rosary. I picked it up and went back into the bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped myself with a blanket; for whatever reason, I was freezing. I pressed the cross to my lips,
"Prosim privleči svoj prislon…" I whispered, "Please, Lord…please bring her back. I don't think I can live without her. I cant do anything properly anymore…I thought I could go on without her…but now…I'm not so sure…please hear my prayer…"
-She whispers something in my ear
The message is unclear
She motions outside-
"No
no no no! Matt! Ahaha…stupid! What the hell!"
"Mihael…" I stopped and looked back at Onion who was
standing there, looking…worried? Why would she be worried though?
It was a Friday night and we were out at the bar with Matt and
Psi…same thing we did every Friday.
"What's the
matter, babe?" I asked, my cheeks red from laughing. Nothing
could bring my mood down. I was having such a good time. She shifted
her weight and looked at the ground, then reached out and took my
hand, pulling me towards the door. I gave her an odd look, but
decided to do what she wanted.
-I trail her closely from behind
She tries hard not to cry
She shakes underneath the pouring rain-
Once
we were outside and in the parking lot, I immediately started looking
at the door of the bar,
"What's going on?" I asked,
putting my hand on her cheek and kissing her forehead, "It's
cold out here…let's go in and get you warmed up…" I went to
put my arms around her, but she stopped me.
"No….Mello…"
she said, finally looking up, "W-we need to talk."
"Bout what?" I asked, looking at her expectantly, but not
in an impatient way. I was just curious, "Onion, you're acting
strange…what's all this about?" She bit her lip and opened
her mouth…
-"I can't compete with all your damn ideas
and this isn't working out for you and me."-
I
felt my heart skip a beat,
"W-what?" I said, not sure
I heard her correctly, "Wha--I…I don't understand…" She
looked at me with tears in her eyes,
"Mello, listen to
me!" she said, "Lately…I don't know! You're so…so
obsessive! You go off on these little mental trips where everything
has got to be your way! You forget that I'm here, that I have needs
just as much as you!"
What is going on?
-"The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend."-
I
felt tears come to my eyes, the warmth contrasting with the cool rain
water. I didn't know what to say,
"O-Onion…come on…stop
this…l-let's go back into the bar…" I reached out to touch
her arm, but she jerked away, looking at me with angry, hurt eyes,
"No, Mello!" she yelled, panting slightly, more upset
than I'd ever seen her, "This is the first time that you've been
loving towards me in weeks! I always tell myself, 'Oh, well, he's
just having a rough day, he'll be fine tomorrow…' I tell myself
that EVERY. DAY. Mello!"
"Onion--"
"I
can't do it anymore, Mello!" she sobbed, "I can't keep
lying to myself…I've done it for too long!" she moved forward
and put her arms around my neck, pressing her cheek against mine,
"I'm sorry, Mihael…" she whispered.
This
couldn't be happening.
My eyes were wide as she spoke one last time…
-This is Goodbye
This is the End.-
--
HALLO!
Tis
teh Hannahsheep!
This song is 'Last Night' by Motion City
Soundtrack.
I do not own the song or Death Note; however, I do
own Onion, who is the 'she' that is referred to throughout the story.
She is my OC that I pair with Mello.
Reviews
make me happeh
-sheepy