Title: Self-Preserving
Characters/Pairing: Seishirou, Subaru, the Tree?
Genre: Crack!
Rating: PG
Warnings: n/a
Word Count: 769
Summary: Seishirou. Environmentalists. 'Nough said?
Ueno park in winter was usually blanketed in snow and peaceful stillness; the park's usual tourists and sun-soaking old geezers preferred to visit the park in the spring, when the majority of the sakura trees were in full bloom.
Even so, it wasn't the large crowd of people milling about the Tree that caught Subaru's attention. It was, rather, one black-clad, sunglasses-wearing, sister-murdering bastard that made him stop dead in his tracks and do a double take.
That, and the fact that Seishirou was holding aloft a sign that proclaimed "NATURE'S GIFT TO HUMANITY: SAVE THE TREES," while chanting "Save Ueno Park!" with the other sign-bearing, possibly demented protestors.
His shoulder-angel would've screamed loudly to get away while he still could, if it weren't for the fact that his shoulder-devil--sometimes he fondly referred to it as Hokuto-chan--had stuffed one of its wings in its mouth as some type of gag and was gleefully urging Subaru to take a closer look.
"Ah, Subaru-kun!" Seishirou stepped away from the ring of protestors around the Tree, languidly resting the handle of his SAVE THE TREES sign on one shoulder. He said, brightly, "Have you come to join the cause?"
Subaru was very faintly horrified.
"Se...Seishirou-san, what are you doing?"
"A construction corporation has proposed to purchase Ueno park and renovate it for new office buildings," Seishirou explained mournfully. He gestured to the sakura trees around them, some of which had bright orange splotches of paint sprayed on their trunks. "Unfortunately, the proposal was accepted, Subaru-kun, and that simply will not do."
Subaru resisted the overwhelming urge to point out that, given its size, any building developers were more likely to build around the Tree then attempt to uproot it. And even if they did, the thousands of festering corpses beneath would probably be a major tip-off that it was Not A Very Good Idea.
"Seishirou-san," Subaru said instead, as calmly as he could, "Isn't this a little counterproductive to your goal of destroying the earth?"
"Why, Subaru-kun!" Seishirou affected his most tragically injured expression. "Haven't you been paying attention to the goals of our Kamuis at all? (Not really, Seishirou-san, and you'll find that it's largely your fault.) We don't seek to destroy the earth, merely to annihilate humanity as a whole."
"But--"
"Sakurazuka-san!" A middle-aged woman and the apparent coordinator of the protest materialized at their elbows, bearing yet more SAVE THE TREES signs. "Have you brought a friend to help?"
"I--"
"Yes, of course," Seishirou said cheerfully. Subaru had a sign and a t-shirt bearing the legend TREE HUGGER AND PROUD thrust in his arms, before the lunatic marched off, possibly to recruit more innocent souls into her campaign. Seishirou eyed the shirt--it was a putrid, neon green color--speculatively. "You should wear the t-shirt, Subaru-kun. It's very becoming to your eyes."
Subaru scrabbled frantically for something to say that wasn't "akl;sdja," "Oh my god," or "Please tell me this is another maraboshi."
"Come along now, Subaru-kun." He was muscled into the ring of the protesters.
"Sei--"
"You don't want to see Ueno park demolished, do you?" Seishirou hummed thoughtfully, and added, "Not that I doubt Tree-san's ability to defend itself from landscapers."
A large clump of sakura petals came to rest lovingly atop Seishirou's head.
"This has to be a joke," Subaru said flatly.
"Not at all, Subaru-kun. I admire and fully support the valiant efforts of these people to perserve beauty. Although--" The sakurazukamori gestured at a row of bulldozers parked in the farthest corner of the park-- "--I may have to lend my persuasive abilities to get our petition through."
Subaru heard the coordinator bark at a passerby that since the Tree bloomed all year round it was clearly sacred and a natural wonder of the world, and felt his soul wither a little in his chest.
-
-
Two days later, Subaru received a sakura-patterned party invitation to the Tree Huggers United celebration of Ueno park's salvation: the proposal was promptly dropped when the CEO of the building corporation was found slumped over his desk, quite dead. Cause of death: heart punched from chest. The investigators of the murder also found, oddly enough, a vase on his desk, containing a single, flowering sakura branch.