Disclaimer: I do not own anything :) All the credits go to ABC and the rest of the wonderful Castle gang. As English is not my first language, I apologize for any significant mistakes in my spelling. Spoiler for Episode 4x01 and 4x13. Let me know what you think :) Now enough talking, happy reading :) Best JC
It started, when she knew he had bulldozed down those walls by just rubbing her hand with his thumb gently.
It intensified, when she hurried to his apartment shortly afterwards to finally admit her feelings, to tell him she was done pretending.
It was horrifying, when she felt like her heart would explode of anticipation and the fear of rejection from his side.
It was exciting, when Alexis opened the door for her and told her he was in his office writing.
It was almost like she was a new person, when she slowly walked towards his room, smiling, imagining how his lips would feel on hers without any barriers left.
It was shocking, when she carefully opened the door to surprise him, but being surprised herself in return.
It was earth shattering, when she saw him sitting in front of a large screen, a digital murderboard, his hands pressed together as if he was praying. Documents were spread over his desk. Her heart was damaged beyond repair.
It was painful, when she inhaled sharply, tears welling in her eyes, rolling down her cheeks silently.
She tried to support herself on the doorframe, causing him to turn around. His face suddenly pale, as he tried to form words in his state of shock.
She turned around without saying a word, her eyes almost blind from crying.
She stumbled past his furniture, the door the only point of focus. Rage ran through her veins, she almost couldn't breath.
It got out of control, when she felt the tight grip of his hand on her wrist. Her eyes shot up to meet the blue ocean in which she dove into so many times before.
"Kate", he whispered, his voice barely audible.
"Don't you ever…ever touch me again!", she spat, freeing her hand from his.
"Kate, please! Let me explain", he pleaded, trying again to make contact with her, but she shook him off quickly.
"Explain what exactly, Castle? That you betrayed me? That you've been lying to me? That you investigated my mother's case behind my back after all that happened? After all we have been through, after all the things I shared with you? I let you see through those freaking walls, I trusted you. I lo…", she closed her eyes, her chest rose and fell heavily.
He took a step towards her, when she held up her hand, keeping him at a distance. "Don't. Don't you dare!", she warned.
"Finish your sentence Kate!"
"Stop telling me what the hell to do!"
"Say it!", he pushed, his eyes darkening and for a split second she was taken aback by the roughness in his voice.
"We are over. You hear me, Castle? Over! And this…", she stormed back into his room pointing at the murderboard, "is none of your business, it hasn't been and it never will be!"
"I did it to protect you! I cannot lose you Kate, not again", he yelled, when he caught up with her.
"I do not need anybody's protection."
"Right, because you are such a tough ass cop, right? Carrying it all by yourself."
Her eyes were burning into his, but he wasn't willing to step back, he never even flinched.
"Get the hell out of my way!"
It made her mind spin when he grabbed her by her shoulders, pressing her body against the screen.
"Do you think it was fun watching the life drain out of you? To see how the person you love is dying in your arms?"
"Castle, I'm warning you, stop it!" His breath lingered on her sensitive skin, causing her to shiver against her will.
It was intimate, when he told her those things, his lips barely touching her.
It was painful when she tried to get away from him, despite what he said, she was cursing, threatening to kill him, if he wouldn't just shut up.
"Castle, please…let me go! I can't…" She cried into his shirt then, her fists hitting his chest.
It was more than she could take when he wrapped his arms around her even more.
It was heartbreaking when she gave in against all the rage burning inside her body.
"How could I let myself love you with that? How could I ever trust you again? I felt…safe with you Castle. I felt like…I'm home, as if I could finally fight those battles with someone by my side, someone who would hold my hand, telling me that everything will be fine in the end. But it won't be. It's an illusion and I was…stupid enough to let myself believe in ridiculous fairytales."
It was some kind of self protection when he started to loosen his tight grip on her, looking into her sad eyes. He was scared. He was scared of the emptiness he witnessed in this moment.
"I've let you in. I have let you into my heart, into my home and into my soul…and all you do is not trust me enough to share those investigations with me. I'm the one in the Crosshairs, Castle. It's not your fight. It is mine. I came here to tell you…that I love you. You deserve to know that I love you", she sighed, turned away from him and walked towards the door.
"Please don't do this, Kate. We can work this out."
"Goodbye, Castle."
It was tearing her apart when he begged her to give him a chance.
Her walls were fully rebuilt when she didn't answer and closed the front door behind her without looking back.
It was when he smashed his screen with the remote and knew he'd lost her.
It was when she realized that even Love sometimes is not enough.