Side story of Morality in Question
Written by The HamsterofDeath
Just for fun! Enjoy!
He was disgusted by the crowd of spiders, suffocating this little cafe with their web of nonsensical chatter and idiotic routines. But everything beat staying in that room of his, looking at the same walls day after day. He needed fresh air, new sights and smells. It became necessary for his sanity. He knew it would be useless to ask his brother for such a trip, so he asked the only other person capable of dragging him outside: the big spider.
And because she accepted to do him this favor and even ordered a hot fudge pudding cake for him, he decided to humor her just a bit.
"You can use a multi layered pickup line," he said.
"A what, Mr. Knives?"
"For example, if I wanted to mate with you, I would need a question that can be interpreted in many possible ways. By the given answer, you can evaluate the other party's intelligence."
"So I should ask 'Does this look good on me?'"
"No, no, that is simply a trap question. You learn nothing about your potential mate if all the answers he can give are 'wrong'. Let's start with the most simple case, a one layer direct question."
"Ok."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"No."
"What do you mean, no?"
"Mr. Knives, I am asking you how I can find a mate that is human. So I cannot marry you."
He gave her a deadpan look. "That was just an example."
"Oh. Ok."
"Now, that question is direct. You can still learn something, but the information is mostly useless."
Milly kept watching and listening while drinking her very sweet coffee.
"If the other one says yes, you know he is a fool who would marry anyone on first sight. You do not want to marry such a spider."
"But if he says no, he doesn't want to marry me! Your question is bad."
"That was just an example for a bad question. Now let's improve. You could ask: Would you like to drink a coffee with me?"
"I am already drinking coffee with you, Mr. Knives."
"... You are doing this on purpose."
"Of course I am. I never heard of someone drinking coffee by accident. You are so funny, Mr. Knives!"
She was testing his patience. "Anyway, the coffee question gives you more information. If someone answers yes, he might be interested, or he might be poor and cannot afford a coffee, and wants you to pay."
"Do you want me to pay, Mr. Knives?"
Was she stupid? "So what you want to do is change the question so that you gain more information. If instead of a coffee, you ask if he wants to listen to a classical piece, you can check if he is civilized."
He made a small pause to watch Milly finish her coffee.
"You can tune the question even more. You can make it so that the answer is more complicated. For example: 'Which is your favorite classical composer?'"
"I don't know any classical composers. I just know the melodies."
So there really was a human who didn't know what 'rhetorical question' meant? Amazing. "And then, you can add hints into your question. For example, instead of saying "I feel like walking outside a bit. Do you want to accompany me?" you could say "I feel like walking in that dangerous zone. Would you protect me all the way?" That way, you can instantly check someone's character. But equally important, you need to check his knowledge and intelligence!"
"So I should ask which dangerous way I should take?"
"You mixed that up a bit, but we're getting somewhere."
"But you haven't finished your cake yet! Take your time, we're not in a hurry."
He should have asked Meryl after all, even if there was virtually no chance of her accepting or them making it past the doorstep... "Yes, the cake. So what I was trying to explain is that if you drop some hints, you can categorize your potential mate. You could ask if you would be allowed to touch someone's hand."
"You are so romantic, Mr. Knives!"
"If they say yes, you immediately ditch them."
"But they are so romantic, Mr. Knives!"
"It was a trick question. Someone versed in physics will know that touching someone is impossible since all the atoms of their hands would repel reach other. So that way, you can check both if your potential mate is interested and test their physics knowledge."
"What if they are dumb, interested, and know about physics?"
"Then it is an extreme case of bad luck. But fear not, this can be checked as well. Basically, what you have to do is imagine your perfect mate. Then, in your mind, you ask some questions and imagine his answers. And once you find someone who mostly fits to your mental image, you found your perfect mate."
Milly seemed a bit confused.
"Can you give me an example?"
"Would you agree to go back in time with me to change the course of history and make me the king and ruler of humanity so I can lead it to a glorious future full of science, logic and rationality?"
"That is not romantic at all, Mr. Knives."
"You are not giving the answer my potential mate would have given."
"Ah, now I see. Ok, my turn: How do I look in this dress?"
"Like a woman."
"You really are not romantic at all, Mr. Knives. I wonder if your advice would really work for me."
"It just means we are not a good fit."
Meanwhile, Meryl informed Vash about Knives' escape. How did he do it? Where was Milly? Was she his hostage? He couldn't even walk yet, she checked his injuries yesterday. What was his plan?
Back in the cafe, Knives noticed a bunch of armed men taking position outside.
"Say, you told everyone about this, didn't you? I mean, they would assume I kidnapped you if you didn't."
"I left a note."
"I guess there is a chance nobody read it."
After Knives' short explanation, and after it became clear that he was an invalid who didn't even have a gun on him, the local sheriff was convinced that the motive of Meryl Stryfe was nothing else but pure jealousy. She had to cover the complete cost of the intervention with a 25% additional penalty to avoid a trial.
"Gee, I didn't know you and Meryl had something going on. Had I known, I would have asked for permission. But really, you could have told me."
He silently glared at her, willing her to just shut up and bring them back home. His plan for the day did not turn out the way he expected.
"I know! I will make Meryl draw the short straw from now on to give you two more time! How does that sound?"
It turned out even better.