Nothing
A Matsuda!Centric fan-fiction
Gee, I really like writing Suicidal!Matsuda stories, don't I? Okay yeah, I'm evil for doing so but you gotta admit, its sooo cute! ...In some strange, disgusting, warped way. -nods-
AND OH GOD!! I've put another project on my head... I'm aiming to make this a two shot, but two chapters about this size. Hopefully I don't have to include too much detail, but I may make it another project. DAMMIT.
No pairings. Character death.
Matsuda hiccuped, his mind in a haze. He was sitting in a bar, downing another glass of some unidentifiable alcohol. How many he'd had was unknown to him. Even what type he couldn't tell. All that was on his mind was who he was. And he cursed the current alcohol he downed that burned his throat yet didn't erase who he was. Yet even he wasn't stupid enough to believe that alcohol could be the easiest answer. But he could wish it was. Only wish.
"Why is it always me..." Matsuda pondered, slurring his words as he smacked down his glass, sighing. He could wish; Wish that he was somehow useful, wish that Ryuuzaki didn't think of him as the burden he was. Wish that people would recognize the good points in him instead of the bad. Wish that maybe when he woke up he was necessary; Maybe even someone else. He was always slow, he knew that. But people only acknowledged that and not how much he wanted to help.
Even he had to admit that he'd done both good and bad that day. He'd listened into the private meeting held by the Yotsuba, but almost cost his life and had to have Ryuuzaki get him out of that position. And he'd been scolded. Scolded like a puppy. Called an idiot, fool, stupid. Even Ryuuzaki had said it.
"'M never worth i', 'm 'lways unnecessareh..." He whispered, everything beginning to haze together. He couldn't tell that his reflexes had slowed ten-fold, but he hadn't really cared.
"Matsuda..." A voice murmured. It seemed so far away that Matsuda could only suspect that he was hallucinating. It sounded familiar to him.
"Mm... Watari...?" He groaned, lifting his head from his arms. He eyed the replenished glass of alcohol, however blurry it was. He quickly grabbed for it, well, as quickly as his mind could register it, and dumped its contents down his throat as if it was air. Swallowing, a pain swelled up in his throat and heart that he could not begin to register. The pain in the throat was definitely the liquor. But why the heart? It was a twisting feeling, tugging at his mind and hurting his eyes. "Nobody needs meh..." He slurred again, pausing to shake a bit. "...Always the same damn thin'... Ah always goof up an' nobody sees the goo' Ah migh' do..." He choked a sob, clenching his eyes tight.
The voice lingered, murmuring something inaudible, but he couldn't locate it.
"Never do anythin' righ'..." Matsuda whispered, wallowing in the pity the others gave him. Pity for being stupid. Pity for being the klutz. Pity for not doing anything right.
"Matsuda, you have to come back." He was able to narrow down that it was someone in the Kira investigation squad. Only they would say something like that.
"Bu' 'm not of 'ny use there... 'M always the screw-up..." Matsuda sighed, tears running down his face. He bit his lip, holding back another sob.
"Don't think that." The voice replied. "You're worth something..."
"Mm, like wha? 'M th' messup, th' klutz, th' idiot... Wha' more do Ah need t' say t' clarify it t' ya?" Matsuda snarled, angered at how stupid the voice seemed.
"Is that what you think? Thats what you think we think of you? Your wallowing in your own self-pity, Matsuda. It isn't like you." Matsuda was seething now. How dare the person, whoever they were, say something like that? He couldn't believe how the person could be so blind.
"'Re ya BLIND or somethin'!? 'M neveh takin' fuckin' seriously!! Ryuuzakeh doesn' give meh 'ny work besides child's work!!" Matsuda growled, standing up, turning and grabbing the speaker by the collar to look him in the eye. The face was extremely blurry, but he could tell that it was most likely Aizawa or something.
"Don't act as if his is a kid's game or something, Matsuda!" Aizawa hissed back, slapping Matsuda across the cheek. Matsuda, in his drunken rage, allowed his body to work on its own accord as he slammed his fist into Aizawa's face, making him skid across the bar. People turned their attention to the two, eyes wide and Matsuda shouted,
"'M NOT THE ONE TREATIN' TH' INVESTIGATION LIKE A KID'S GAME, YER ALL TREATIN' ME LIKE TH' FUCKIN' KID!!" He then turned, slapped his money down on the counter and left without another word.
--
It was a few days later that Matsuda was faced with the strangest thing on his doorstep. A book, titled "Death Note". He, out of curiosity had picked it up and brought it into his apartment. And he looked up from the book and screamed, dropping the groceries he'd hastily boughten.
"Hello there, Matsuda." A monster that was indescribable towered over him. It was unbelievable. He dropped, eyes wide as he tried to say something.
"W-W-Wha-What a-a-a--" He began, the book next to him. But the monster interrupted him.
"I am a Shinigami by the name of Rem. And that is a Death Note, if you haven't noticed. The Death Note is Kira's weapon. The reason why you have it is because you have been chosen as his second successor. You have been chosen as the Third Kira." Matsuda tried to find the words, tried to get it out of his mouth. But he couldn't.
"Should you deny, you will have no use in this world. If you accept, you will be necessary by Kira." Matsuda closed his eyes, trying to think.
"And as long as you execute criminals consistently, you can use the Death Note for anything you wish." He then opened his eyes, and they were set cold.
"I'll do it." He took the note and opened it. Slowly, he read over the rules. And then he got a pen...
--
"T-The criminals... T-They're dying again!!" Matsuda ran into the room, putting on a well-practiced act. Aizawa looked up, seeing Matsuda for the first time in a long while.
"Yeah..." And after informing the Chief and trying to get a confession out of Misa and Light, L admitting he had no idea what was going on, Matsuda said he needed to go to the bathroom. On his way there, a smug, evil grin made its way on his face.
I'm no longer unneeded. Although I know this isn't right, I am needed by Kira to carry out his duties. And no one suspects me...
--
Quicker than he'd ever done, Matsuda scribbled down kanji after kanji of each criminal's names in his house, the Shinigami named Rem watching over his back. Dramatically, after he'd finish, he'd rise his pen high off the paper and smack it down on the paper once more to repeat the sin he'd committed.
"I know it's not right to come at it this way, Kira, but its better than not being wanted at ALL!" Matsuda shouted, the 'all' being said with a grunt when he smacked down his pencil again, a knife being left to the side.
"Justice, in your view, will prevail as long as I can allow you to perservere..." He murmured, a trickle of sweat rolling down his chin. He murmured to himself the name of the criminals with each he wrote. Arch after arch he made with his arms, a demonic look in his eye. "Am I doing good for you, Kira?"
He tured to face Rem, with a smile on his face. "Is there anything you need, Rem-san?" Rem, startled by his kindness, shook her head politely as he nodded.
"Alright then. I just have one question. Is it possible for you to kill me if I'm caught, if I request it?" He asked, looking up at the Shinigami.
"Which way? A heart attack, or...?"
"If its okay, I believe it would be right for me to leave with a heart attack. I deserve it, after carrying out Kira's sins. But its satisfying enough to carry it out while I'm alive."
--
Weeks passed but they had gotten no leads. At that precise moment, L and Light were trying to figure out who was Kira when Mogi spoke up. Matsuda was currently on the roof, for what reason was unknown.
"I don't know why... But..." Aizawa and the others looked over to him. "I think... Matsuda is Kira."
Light looked at him for a moment before laughing. Downright laughing. "You have got to be kidding me." He murmured, before L shook his head.
"I have noticed some changes in Matsuda. His eyes are hollow and dangerous. They don't smile anymore. And his hands flinch too much." They looked to each other wearily before stalking away up the stairs, to where Matsuda was.
--
Graceful arches of the pen he made as he wrote down the memorized names of criminals. "Matsuda." The boy flinched, stopped in mid movement. SHIT.
"What are you writing on?" The voice was right behind him. His eyes wide, he looked to Rem, before being turned with the Death Note in hand. He quickly tossed it off the building before they could see it. Soichiro grabbed his shoulders as he winced, trying to get out of the grip.
"Aizawa-san, would you please go down and grab whatever Matsu-- I mean, Kira threw over?" Matsuda's eyes widened even more. It was the end of the line.
"I-I'm not Kira!!" He shouted. Truthfully, it was a part lie. He was the Third Kira. And he remembered what Rem told him. Death Note users do not go to Heaven or Hell. He gulped.
"Then why the mysterious behavior?" Light asked, eyes narrowed. L's cell phone then rang as Matsuda gulped. Please say he didn't find it... But he knew it was inevitable.
"Death... Note...?" L whispered, as if not believing it. "B-Bring it here." A few moments later, Aizawa returned, handing the Note to L before looking at Rem in horror. L opened up the Death Note and saw that inside were the names of criminals. And on the back of the front cover, it wrote the rules. The first saying: The name of the human whose name is written in this notebook shall die. He looked up to Matsuda.
"Y...You? You're Kira... Not... Light?" Matsuda shook his head.
"Not Kira. Third." He choked weakly, before putting his hand in his pocket and taking a needle, piercing his finger with it and taking out a piece of the Death Note he'd ripped out.
"HEY!! He has a Death Note piece!!" T. O. U. T. A. M. A. T. Shit!! No! Not now!!
Soichiro grabbed his wrists, pinning them behind his back. Tears leaked from his eyes, freely on the ground as he sobbed. L went up and grabbed the Death Note paper, reading it. His eyes widened with each letter; He was going to write down his own name. He wanted to kill himself.
"Matsuda. Why did you do it? And you said third... You mean you're a Third Kira?" Matsuda nodded, the taste of salty tears in his mouth.
"Yes, I am the Third Kira. I did it because..." He sobbed again. "I just wanted to be needed... I needed to feel like I was making a difference and that someone looked up to me to do something right instead of making mistakes all the time..." He opened his button-up shirt with his teeth to reveal scars, faded by grief and misery. "This is the result of that not being met. Before getting the Death Note."
"Don't you see, Matsuda? This is a mistake!" Soichiro shouted, pointing at the Death Note.
"TO KIRA IT ISN'T!!" He shouted, the tears stinging his face as well as the wet rain of the storm above. "And besides... I couldn't have been of any use to you anyways. All I ever am is the idiot, the screw-up, the klutz."
"Matsuda..." L began. He shook his head. Light was staring at the notebook in front of him, eyes wide and distant. He then looked up to Matsuda. Matsuda looked down.
"I'm a failure... Everything I do is wrong." He didn't speak any more. He collapsed to his knees, burying his face in his hands and crying.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to arrest you." L said sternly, as Soichiro took out handcuffs and put them around Matsuda's wrists.
"Rem..." He pleaded, softly. They looked to where he looked and saw the monster standing there. L screamed, eyes extremely wide. Light couldn't speak. Soichiro and Mogi fell to their asses in shock, stuttering. After all, they had already touched the notebook.
"Please, kill me." He closed his eyes and stood up. Rem looked to him before closing her eyes. She reopened them with a look of remorse shining in the light.
"Alright." She took out a writing tool that came from the Shinigami realm as she wrote down these words:
TOUTA MATSUDA.
Matsuda put on a soft smile as she turned it for him to see, before a thud in his heart ceased his movement. He grasped as his heart, eyes wide and collapsing forward onto the hard roof. Soichiro felt for a pulse but felt none.
"He's dead..." Soichiro murmured, gaping. Light smirked inwardly.
"All according to plan."