A/N: If you have never read If You Give a Moose a Muffin by Laura Joffe Numeroff, you can see it on youtube. I recommend the videos by jakupstube or westchesterenglish.

If You Give a Methos a Muffin
(With apologies to Laura Joffe Numeroff)

If you give a Methos a muffin, he'll whinge that he'd rather have a croissant. When you tell him you do not have any croissants, he will want a bagel, toast, waffles, and pancakes.

Once you have convinced him that muffins are all you have, he will ask for blueberry if you give him a bran muffin, and he will ask for banana if you only have blueberry. Once he finally realizes that it must be a bran muffin or nothing, he will grudgingly accept one while simultaneously leaving you feeling ashamed of your pantry's inadequacy despite the fact that he has raided it more than once and has never offered to fill it for you.

When he eats the muffin, he will want a beer to go with it.

So you'll gently point out that it's breakfast time, a bit early for beer, and kindly offer him orange juice instead.

He will scoff that it's always five o'clock somewhere, and get the beer for himself. Then he will lecture you that beer and muffins are basically the same thing anyway, so it shouldn't matter when he drinks. Muffins are made from grain, and beer making, he will tell you, was originally invented as a way to preserve the grain for the winter. He's five thousand years old, and he was there.

So you can't contradict him.

When he's finished drinking the beer, he'll want another. And another. And another. When they're all gone, he'll ask you to get more.

You'll have to go to the store to buy more beer. He'll want to go with you. When he opens the door and sees what a beautiful day it is, he'll decide not to wear his coat. Without his coat, he can't carry his sword, his dagger, his dirk, his switchblade, his stiletto, or his gun; but that won't bother him because you'll have your katana. You can't fight his battles for him, but if there's any trouble, he can always run away and leave you behind to talk your way out of it alone. He claims not to have a conscience, so that won't bother him either.

When he gets in your car, he'll notice that opera music is playing. He'll tune the radio to a rock station without asking. When you are too far from the dojo to kick him out of the car, the four beers he's already had will start affecting him, and he will begin singing. Badly.

The singing will remind him of the time that he shared the stage with the Rolling Stones, and that will remind him of another singer with whom he once shared a stage. He'll search for a radio station that plays Jimmy Buffett songs.

When he can't find any Jimmy Buffett songs on the radio, he'll turn it off. Then he will sing "Margaritaville". Very badly.

So you will tell him to shut up.

He will sing "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw" instead, and he will sing it in a way that makes you uncomfortable with the possible subtext.

You will tell him to shut up again.

He finally will shut up and sulk the rest of the way to the store.

At the store, you will have to coax him out of the car. You will have to remind him that you are there to buy beer.

Then he will cheerfully come along.

While you're shopping, he will see some chestnuts. The chestnuts will remind him of Apicius. Then he will remember that he has never cooked for you. So he will decide that he wants to cook for you today. He will need lentils, too.

At the cash register, he'll ask you to pay for everything because he forgot his wallet. Again.

When you get back to the loft, he'll go into the kitchen to cook. But he'll have forgotten the wine he needed for the recipe. So he'll get out a bottle of beer to deglaze the pan instead.

Then he'll remember that you bought the beer for him. He will go sprawl on your couch and forget all about the lentils and chestnuts. He will open the beer and start to drink it.

And chances are, if he drinks the beer, he'll want a muffin to go with it.

The End

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