The Lord of the Burger Kings: The Two Specials
Author's Note: Where's the 1st one, you ask? There isn't one. It starts out on #2.
All was still on the top of Helm's Deep. Still and waiting. Below, orcs in the thousands crowded, trying to get nearer to the wall. Rain fell down, dampening the spirits of men and elves alike, as they waited for the order to shoot.
"A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas," Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the great warrior, cried. "Show them no mercy, for you shall receive none!"
As he walked by a row of elves, one of them whispered, "Pray tell, what day is it?"
"Why, it's the third of March, 3019," Aragorn replied. "Why do you ask, Eruestan?"
He then noticed the ashen look of the elf's face.
"The Elf Special," Eruestan replied. His voice rose to a shriek. "WE ARE GOING TO MISS THE ELF SPECIAL AT BURGER KING!"
A collective gasp came from the rest of the elves. "What are we going to do?" They began to panic.
"Never fear!" cried Haldir, the captain. "We shall get there in time! Follow me!"
He took off at a sprint down the steps of the great wall. He was followed by a great mob of excited elves, to the absolute shock of the rest of the men.
"Where are they going? How will we do this by ourselves?" they cried. "Aragorn! Help us!"
"There is nothing we can do," Aragorn said solemnly. "There is no stopping an elf when he is on a mission. We can but hope they shall return, ere it is over."
Haldir quickly discovered that the gate leading out was locked, and they would not be able to escape that way. The elves rushed back up the stairs.
By this time, orcs had found their way up onto the wall, using tall ladders. Haldir chose a ladder and knocked all the orcs off. He then slid down the ladder, shouting, "Come, brothers! We shall get there one way or another!"
The rest of the elves followed suit, grabbing ladders and making their way down.
Aragorn looked around at the almost-empty wall. "What will we do without them?" he asked himself. "We can hold them off, but not for long. There is only one thing left to do: follow them!"
He took up discussion with King Theoden, who finally agreed.
"Follow them!" Theoden shouted at his men. "Follow the elves, at all costs!"
A mad dash ensued. By this time, most of the elves were down on the ground, trying to get past the orcs. They would run around them and under them, or just stick out their swords and clear away all that was in their path.
Aragorn managed to catch up to Haldir. "We're coming with you!" he gasped. "Although we do not know the way."
"Suit yourself," replied Haldir. "But the Elf Special is only for elves, you men will have to pay out of your own pockets."
"We can do this," said Aragorn. "Each person can afford a child's meal, to be sure."
When all the men and elves had made their way out of the crowd, the orcs looked around. There was no one to fight.
"Eh! What day is it, huh?" an orc with a ridiculously long nose asked.
"Ar, it's the third o' March," answered his buddy. "Hey, does that date ring a bell?"
"Hmmm, ar, yes. The Orc Special will start at six a'clock tonight!"
"Well, let's go, then! By the time we get there, the Orc Special will be goin'!"
The two orcs sprinted after the elves and men. "Come on!" they called. "We're goin' to the Orc Special at Burger King!"
If you were a bird, which I'm sure you're not, but if you were, and you happened to have been flying overhead that day, you would have seen something rather odd. First, a group of men and elves, dressed in war garb, still carrying their bows, arrows, and swords. Next, a crowd of dark orcs, shouting and jeering and cheering. And they were all headed to the Burger King on the intersection!
Finally, the Burger King came into view on the horizon. Men and elves cheered. "Elf Special until 6:00," the sign said. They had made it on time!
Just as they were all sorting themselves out, in front of the Burger King in the middle of a huge grassy field, at the meeting of two dirt roads, a man came out. He was carrying a sign that said, "Orc Special, starting at 6:00."
"What?" cried Haldir. "We have run for miles, escaped orcs and a battle! But when we get here, you say it is too late? Oh, mercy!"
"Yup," the employee replied. He put the new sign up, taking down the old one. "You can get a kid's lunch for a buck fifty, though."
"Who has that kind of dough?" Haldir asked. "I came here for a special!" He walked away in disgust.
"Wait!" cried Theoden. "I know your hearts quail, and your fear is blanched. But I will treat everyone here to a kid's meal!"
A great cheer arose, rising out of the sadness. "Hurray for King Theoden! The best king ever!"
"Hey!" said the employee. "I thought Burger King was the best king ever!"
Eruestan stuck his tongue out at him, and walked inside with the others.
They could hardly fit into the small Burger King, even if it wasn't already half-filled with Roherian farmers getting fast food. Haldir stood at the counter.
"Um, 183 kid's meals, please," he said.
There was a great deal of punching into the cash register, and finally the cashier said, "And to drink?"
"Who wants root beer?"
45 men and 12 elves raised their hands.
"Who wants sprite?"
61 elves raised their hands, and 64 men.
"Anyone else?"
"I want Dr. Pepper," squeaked a voice.
After the cashier punched all this in, she asked, "Anyone want a toy?"
Everyone raised their hands.
"Alright, your order will be ready shortly." She turned to the kitchen. "All hands on deck! We got a big'un!"
The elves and men scrambled to get tables. When there were none left, some sat on the floor.
Half an hour later, everyone had their meal. There was a great deal of straw-wrapper blowing and playing with the toys.
Suddenly, one of the men shouted, "Look! Orcs are coming!"
"What do we do?" There was another general panic. Someone shouted, "Into the restroom!"
"But the orcs can go in there!"
"The women's restroom, then!"
Almost everyone blushed. They were all men, of course. "But—But that's scary!" someone said.
An elf tapped on the door. "Anyone in there?" There wasn't. All the farmers had left when they saw the war-dressed people.
All the men and elves crowded into the women's restroom. All 183 of them. Gimli had to sit on the baby-changing table, to his disgust.
They could hear the raucous orcs' voices outside. "Woohoo! Free lunches for all of us!"
"Great," the cashier said. "You'll run us bankrupt." She quickly changed her tone when one orc threatened her with a sour stick.
About an hour later, the orcs had finished eating their free meals and playing with their free toys. They finally left.
The elves and men came out of the restroom, thoroughly squished. They went back to eating their lunches, and when they were finished, they joined the orcs back at Helm's Deep. They then went back to the battle.
The end.