Disclaimer: No infringement is intended. Blah, blah, blah.
Set just after the episode Dreadnought.
A/N: This takes place at the same time as my story "Loyalty", but this story is from Janeway's point of view. Italics indicate the past, regular text indicates the present. Double quotes indicate the spoken word, single quotes indicate thoughts.
Whoever said that Vulcans are cold and unfeeling never had the chance to befriend one. Sure, they'll explain it away using the language of logic, but beneath the surface, the emotions are ever present. Still waters run deep.
On some level, I can understand why Tuvok wanted to stay behind on Voyager when I armed the self-destruct sequence. What I have trouble understanding is why I let him stay.
I said, somewhat reluctantly, but knowing that it was the only way, "Computer, arm the self-destruct sequence."
The crew began to head for the escape pods, but Tuvok remained on the bridge. "You, too, Tuvok," I added.
"Captain, it would be logical for you to have someone to assist you in the event that you become incapacitated," he said.
A million thoughts went through my mind at that moment, each threatening to be voiced, but each being stopped just before reaching my lips. 'You've got a wife and children waiting for you back on Vulcan.' 'I can handle the ship alone.' 'It's not your fault we're in this situation. You shouldn't have to pay the price for it.' 'Chakotay will need a first officer.'
All that I was able to do was smile. He took that to mean that I was conceding to his logic, and he sat down.
Why did I let him stay? It's only through sheer chance and B'Elanna's technical wizardry that we were able to avoid disaster and save the ship. Why did I let my best friend stay behind? I could have ordered him to leave. He would have obeyed.
Tuvok is the most loyal officer I have served with. In addition to professional loyalty, he is loyal to me personally. When he became my security chief, he promised to stay by my side for all the dangers we would face. He has protected me from the physical dangers of intruders, and from the emotional dangers of guilt over being stranded halfway across the galaxy.
This protection goes both ways. I feel a responsibility toward him not only as a member of my crew, but also as a friend. I charged into the Badlands to rescue him. I've led away missions through dangerous territory to retrieve him.
Until now, my only protection of him has been his physical well-being. People normally forget to tend to the emotional well-being of a Vulcan. However, my conscious mind is just now figuring out what my sub-conscious mind already knew. The reason I let Tuvok stay.
He never would have forgiven himself if something happened to me, and the guilt would have destroyed him.