I think I'm on a roll today. It hasn't been a terrific day today.
Title: My Best Friend Made Me Do It
Summary: Kendall never understood the meaning or the art of cutting.
Genre: Drama/Angst
Rating: T
Characters: James Diamond and Kendall Knight
Pairing: Kames
My Best Friend Made Me Do It
Kendall Knight never understood it. The meaning behind people who cut themselves. It seemed stupid and foolish. Very dangerous and very sick. Why would anyone do that to themselves? Did it really alleviate the pain? Did it really help? Kendall wasn't sure, and he didn't know if he wanted to know. But something about it intrigued him. It was strange and fascinating all at once. Sick way of thinking, he knew that much, but there was just something about it. Who started it? Why was it started? Who thought it was a good idea? It was all so stupid.
However...it wasn't so long before he himself found the call of that slick, silver blade. How it happened, he'd never know. It just did. One day after he and James Diamond had a blow up with each other. Words were exchanged that shouldn't have been. Things were said and Kendall just felt himself sink to an all time low. He felt huge sense of pain and just wanted it to go away. He cried. He yelled. He did everything he could think of, but the only thing staying within his mind was a knife. A knife that could easily cut away what had happened. He thought he hated James. Truth was that he loved him...but the boy was so vain and callous. It was hard to love someone like that. It was easy to hate them, even if they were your best friend.
So he did it. He took a knife out of the kitchen drawer one night and went into the downstairs bathroom. He locked the door and turned on the light. Kendall was shaking with nervousness. He'd never done this. He was sure that he never would have to. Never thought he'd need to. It was all a rush of sensation and excitement. It was a weird feeling. He wanted it to go away.
His heart pounded in his ears. He couldn't think. He couldn't move. He was paralyzed in tears. He was holding the knife right over his wrist. He could do it. Easy. It's easy. Just...so easy. Because of James. Because of his best friend. His best friend. Best friends weren't supposed to do this to each other. Kendall was here because of James. For James. For James to become famous and live out his life that he'd always wanted. He was here for James and here his best friend was, being callous and ignorant.
One slice.
Kendall hissed. He clenched his fist, watching the blood run down his wrist into the sink. It was fluid. Slow. Like his pain and love for James.
Two slices.
Kendall's tears streamed down his face, hot and heavy. He hated James. Hated everything that James was and became. He didn't understand how he could love someone like this. He didn't understand why he loved James. It was hard to explain.
Three slices.
Kendall couldn't stop himself. It was robotic. Just fluid and safe. He felt okay. He was feeling better. Crying certainly helped. He didn't want to blame all the help on the knife. Although he was certain that's what it was.
Four slices.
Kendall wanted to stop. He couldn't make himself stop, no matter how hard he tried. It was stuck like glue. Maybe this is why people did this. They couldn't stop. They kept wanting to do it. Maybe this waas part of it. This was what made them want to do it. Everything just seemed to stop and be better. Maybe this was the greater reason.
Five slices.
A knock on the door jerked Kendall from his entrancement. He lifted his head* "What?" He tried his best to sound like he wasn't crying. He didn't need to be found out. It was just a one time thing after all. That's it. He'd only do it once.
James' voice reached his ears. He sounded gentle. "Kendall?"
"Yeah what's up?" Kendall turned on the sink, removing all traces of blood and evidence of what he'd done. He grabbed a black towel and blotted his cuts.
"You weren't in bed." James and Kendall shared a room. Either boy always knew when the other wasn't in the room. It was this thing they had.
Kendall played it cool. "Needed a drink. Had to use the bathroom, figured I'd do it down here since I already was there."
James tried the knob twice. "You locked the door."
"Privacy, dude."
"You know your mom's rule," James grabbed the key from above the door. Mrs. Knight's rule was no locked doors. Even if they wanted bathroom privacy. No locked doors under any circumstances. He unlocked the door.
Kendall whipped his head around just as James opened the door. The knife was in the sink, covered by the towel. But his arms weren't. He felt James' eyes instantly go there and he felt anger bubble up.
"What are you doing?" James sounded concerned and horrified. He grabbed Kendall's arm, even though the blonde tried to pry away from him.
"None of your business. Why are you in here?"
James looked at Kendall's arm. "What are you doing? What is this?" He held his arm up, brown eyes peircing the green with intense anger and worry.
"It's nothing," Kendall tried jerking his arm away, but James was stronger. All those times at the gym really worked in his favor. "Go away."
James let his arm go and went to the sink. He uncovered the knife and his big brown eyes widened with horror. "Kendall..."
Biting his lip, Kendall knew this was going to end in catastrophe. He didn't say anything. he didn't even know if he was breathing. It was just still silence. Nobody was moving. Nobody was saying anything. Just stillness.
James finally turned at looked at him. "What are you thinking?"
Kendall sighed heavily. "I just wanted it to go away. Just to stop. I didn't know what else to do I'd tried everything else I could think of."
"Why are you doing it?" James sounded angry.
He couldn't say it. He couldn't tell James that it was his fault. That it was him to blame for this. He couldn't. It was too hard. Harder than it was in his head. "I..." Kendall shifted, not looking at his best friend. He should have known that he'd never get away with something like this. Each boy had a connection to each other. It was just how they'd always been.
"Answer me." James' tone was frightening to hear. Kendall'd never heard it before. He was a little scared, but he knew that James wouldn't hurt him.
Kendall looked into James' eyes, tears forming in his own. "You really hurt me, James. That fight. I didn't mean what I said. I apologized. You wouldn't. I...I was hurt. I hated you. I still do because that was just awful. I couldn't believe that my best friend would do something like that to me and say the things that you did. You're supposed to be my friend. You're not supposed to hurt me like that and you do all the time. You don't listen to me. You're vain. You're stupid and callous and hard to please. I can't do anything around you because it makes me feel insecure. I can't be like you, and I want to be. You have amazing talent and you look better than everyone else. I hate what you've become and I wish that you would just be the James that I used to know. I'm sick of following you around and I'm sick of waiting for you."
James stood still looking at Kendall. He didn't say anything. He didn't move. He didn't do anything. He just simply listened to what his friend had to say and he believed it. He knew what he'd done. He was just waiting for it to come out.
Kendall swallowed. "I'm sorry but it's the truth. You hurt me a lot. More times than you know and I'm here in this place in California so that you can be famous. I'm not being selfish. You are and I'm sick of your attitude."
"I'm sorry," James' voice was quiet. "That's all I can say. Is that I'm sorry. I realize what I did. I'm sorry. I know that I ca't say it enough to get your forgiveness back but what you're doing isn't going to help. You need to tell me. Like you did just now. Forget if you're hurting my feelings. Forget it. Just say it. That's all."
The blonde looked at him through his bangs. "You mean it?"
"I mean it."
"Okay then," Kendall looked at James fully. "Then I love you. I love you with all of my heart and it's killing me that yuo don't care about me. That all you want to do is think about yourself and how you look. You don't see anyone else. I wish you would see me. That's all I want you to do. See me and maybe love me back."
James looked at him, taking in again what Kendall just said. The explosive fact that Kendall Knight was in love with him was just...weird. Weird and good. Great maybe even.
"I'm sorry," James said again. He stepped closer and took his hand. "I never meant to be a jerk. I know who I am and I know that it's terrible. I can't help it. I want to change and if I knew how, I would. But if you say you love me like you do, then you'll love me. All of me. The jerk, the vain bitch, and everything in between. Because if you want me to change, then...I don't know, Kendall."
Tears fell down Kendall's cheeks. "I don't want you to change. Don't ever change, please. I just want you to be a little bit better."
James reached up and wiped away a tear on his cheek. "I'll try." He put his hand on his cheek gently. "Just don't do this again. Please."
Kendall nodded. "I won't. I promise."
"Okay," James brushed away his bangs. "Because I could never be alone without you. It would tear me up inside to not have you around."
Smiling a little bit, Kendall nodded. James pulled his hand back and hugged him tightly. Kendall closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around James in return. He laid his head against James' in comfort and just let him hug. It felt good. Comforting. Something he wanted. Something he needed.
James rubbed his back. "Don't scare me like that again."
Kendall smiled and laid his head on James' shoulder. "I won't."
James made Kendall do a lot of things. Scream, go crazy, and in the little instance of a cut spree. Best friends make you do a lot of things. But the one thing that Kendall knew James made him do was love. And that's all he really needed to know.
End
Jay