Synopsis: Christian asks Rose a question about her past decisions, causing her to examine her relationship with Dimitri. One-shot.

"Would you do it again?"

I glanced up from the report I was reading to meet his gaze. "Do what again?"

"I know it's not really my place to ask, I'm genuinely curious."

"Christian, I have no idea what you're talking about."

He rolled his eyes. "We've been having a conversation for the past five minutes, Rose. Were you even paying attention?"

I shook my head sheepishly. There'd been an attack on a Moroi residence, the Zeklos family. Lissa was holding a council meeting the next day, and had asked me to speak to encourage the other Moroi to allow calculated attacks on Strigoi, as more of the undead creatures had been working together. The Dhampirs had always been fighting on the defensive, but the best way to win a fight, even against an entire race, was to attack offensively. I'd experienced this when I traveled with Denis and the rest of the unpromised guardians. Yes, their methods were questionable, and they would have been killed time and time again had I not been there, but they were onto something.

Christian's rising voice cut into my inner monologue. "Rose? Oh, for heaven's sake."

"Sorry," I said. "You were saying?"

"Okay. The night of the attack on St. Vladimir's. Your idea to save those captured by the Strigoi that resulted in the rescue of many people, including Eddie, but the death and capture of six guardians, including Dimitri. I know you have your happily ever after now, but would you do it again?"

I inhaled sharply. "Excuse me." I stood up from behind my desk, refusing to let rage show through my guardian mask. If I exploded here, Christian would undoubtedly be punched in the face, and I'd be facing scrutiny from Hans for punching a royal Moroi. I'd learned enough control to restrain my emotions for a few minutes. I couldn't believe that Christian would ask this, but then again, it was Christian, who had a tendency to ignore certain social standards.

I didn't trust myself to look at Christian as I left my small office space, not sparing him even a glance. He knew what I had gone through. He knew how what happened to Dimitri tormented me everyday.. I didn't understand how he could ask me that question and expect me not to be pissed.

Unsurprisingly, the sun was rising as I made my way over to a small garden on the opposite side of court. I had stayed later than my hours required, and I knew Dimitri would soon be wondering where I was.

The garden was enclosed by a tall hedge that didn't allow for anyone to see inside. I didn't come here often, as it was far away from my office, Lissa's rooms in palace housing, and the apartment Dimitri and I shared. Sitting down on a bench surrounding the centerpiece of the garden-a tall fountain-I leaned my head back, letting the sun's rays fall on my neck. I didn't get to feel or see the sun often, as the court ran on a Vampiric Schedule. They felt pleasant and warm, a sensation I usually felt when Dimitri's arms were around me. He was the sun in my darkened life. He sustained my life force. Christian was right when he said I had gotten my happy ending.

I thought back to his question. Would I do it again? He was right that it was my plan that saved the lives of those captured by the Strigoi. But he was also right that it was my plan that killed the lives of six guardians-and had gotten Dimitri captured and turned into a Strigoi. I had never thought of this before. Was it my fault that Dimitri was Turned? That he killed so many innocents?

My rage had mostly dissipated as I walked here, but now tears streamed down my face as I remembered my time in Russia, and Dimitri's ensuing guilt over his actions. To answer Christian's question, of course I wouldn't do it again. My actions had only caused grief. Dimitri pretended he didn't, but I knew he still felt pain over the lives he had taken while Strigoi. He didn't blame himself anymore, but his actions still weighed heavily on him.

Dimitri had recurring nightmares about the kills he made. Sometimes I would wake up to find his side of the bed empty. After I got out of bed, I'd see him sitting by our window, his face turned to the sun. I asked him once and he told me it reminded him that that part of his life was over, since Strigoi couldn't be in the sun without dying. I'd take his hand and lead him back to bed. When we'd wake up the next morning, it's as though it never had happened, though we both knew it did. We never spoke of what happened, but I could read his facial expressions well enough-even his guardian mask-to know that he was relieved I had been there.

I was the only one who knew what he had done, the crimes his past strigoi-self had committed. I had previously said he was wrong to blame himself over what he had done. I still meant that, but now... Maybe he should be blaming me.

A warm weight fell on my shoulders and I glanced up. Dimitri walked around from behind me, chuckling. "Always forgetting your coat, Roza. It's barely 40 degrees, although I suppose should have expected-Roza?" He took one look at my tear stained face and was at my side. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

I gave him a small smile. "No, I'm fine." I glanced at him again, guilt filling my features as salty tears once again decided to make an appearance.

He gathered me up in his arms, and sat down with his back to the bench I had been sitting on. His duster had fallen off in the process, but his arms were a warm alternative. "That's obviously not true, Roza." I clutched my arms around him as I cried, and he stroked my hair, murmuring to me in Russian. I couldn't understand what he was saying, with my limited knowledge of the language, but the words were comforting nonetheless.

"Lyubimaya, what's wrong?" he asked gently. Lyubimaya, sweetheart, love. The term made me sob harder. He shouldn't love me. Not after all the pain I'd caused him. He pressed a gentle kiss to my temple. "It's okay, Roza. Whatever happened, everything will be fine. I'm here. You're safe. I love you-I'll always love you."

I finally stopped crying, finally gaining control of my tears. "You shouldn't," I said. Even without the darkness in my aura, the words I'd said to him in the cabin had come true. 'I'm going to become something terrible. I might already be something terrible.' And now I was something terrible.

"Rose? What are you talking about?" he said incredulously. "There is nothing-nothing- that could stop me from loving you. I swear, whatever happened hasn't changed that."

I lifted my head from his chest, staring into his brown eyes that were so full of love-misplaced love that shouldn't, that's couldn't, exist. "Don't you see?" I begged. "I'm a monster. You see that don't you? You, of all people, you have to see that!" My voice cracked. He couldn't love me. Not after all I'd done to him.

Dimitri leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me desperately in an attempt to reassure me that his love was true. For a few seconds, it worked. For a few seconds, I was able to forget the pain and grief I felt over having him here and was able to focus solely on the pressure of his lips on mine. He ran his hands through my hair, and pulled my body closer to his. That simple motion, his hands in my hair, brought me back to the present.

I pushed him away, somewhat violently, and stood up. "Goddammit, Dimitri! Stop trying to distract me!" He rose as well, reaching for me.

"Roza, stop. Please. You have to tell me what's wrong," he said soothingly. I stepped out of his reach. I had to keep my wits about myself, and I couldn't do that if he continued to touch me. I had to tell him the truth. He obviously hadn't realized yet that all the pain he had suffered was my fault and I knew that once I told him, our relationship would undoubtedly over. But the truth had to be said. He saw my gaze falter in acceptance of the discussion we needed to have.

He sat down on the bench and patted the space beside him. "Rose. Please. Just come here." I complied, sitting as far from him as I could on the small surface.

"You can't touch me."

He smiled slightly, knowing the effect his physical presence had on me. "Okay. I won't touch you," he said, running his hands wildly through his hair. "But, goddamn it, Roza. Tell me what's bothering you!"

"Your nightmares," I begin. "They're my fault. Same with all the guilt you've felt over killing people when you were Strigoi." He started to interject, but I continued. "It's not your fault. Believe me, it's not."

"Roza, if this is what this is about, I don't blame myself anymore-" he said, confused.

"No, I know. You shouldn't blame yourself," I swallowed. "You should blame me."

He startled. "Roza, what the hell are you talking about?!" It was rare for Dimitri to swear; he, unlike me, believed that swear words should only be used in times of necessity. And apparently, this was one such time.

"The attack on St. Vladimir's school. The night you were Turned. It's my fault. All of it." His eyes widened, obviously seeing the truth. I waited for him to recoil, to stand up and leave me. When he didn't move, I continued my confession. "It was my plan, Comrade." He stared at me with a blank look on his face, not grasping the concepts I was trying to convey. "If I hadn't come up with that plan, you would never have been Turned! You never would have killed those innocent people! You wouldn't be kept up at night plagued with guilt! You shouldn't blame yourself, Dimitri! You have to blame me!"

Tears, once again, streamed down my cheeks. I swiped at them angrily. "And I know you can't love me anymore! I know we're over. You can't love me, not after all that I've done." I stood up and turned my back to him, not wanting to see the anger and pain on his face.

A few moments passed. No sound came from Dimitri. He must have left, as I knew he would. It was good. It was so good. I was so glad he was gone. He would move on with his life. And I was so incredibly happy he was gone. So happy. I felt so... happy.

Two muscular arms wrapped around me. So Dimitri hadn't left after all. He pressed a kiss to the side of my head and I wanted to sob at the gesture. I didn't understand why he hadn't left. I turned in his arms and looked up to meet his gaze. He stared back at me. "You're a fool," he said seriously.

I closed my eyes. "No, I'm not."

"You are if you think I'd believe that everything I-we-endured was your fault. Where'd you even get that idea?"

"Christian asked me whether I'd change my decision on rescuing those captured by the Strigoi," I said sheepishly, realizing that I had founded my feelings on something Christian had said. It was embarrassing, but it didn't change the realization I'd had.

"And would you?" his eyebrows knitted together in concentration.

"Of course I would. After all the pain that decision caused you and countless others. I… Of course I would," I repeated.

He smiled and sighed slightly. "Roza, it's not your fault. I made that decision to rescue the captured myself. Those other guardians? They made their choices too and died honorably. You didn't force anyone to do what they didn't want to do."

"But-"

"Rose. I mean it. You aren't responsible for their deaths, or for the deeds I did-I know. I'm not responsible either. I know that now. But you're not to blame."

"Yes, but-"

"And just think about the good your decision did," he continued. Not only did your plan save thirteen moroi and dhampirs, but it led to the deaths of countless strigoi, who would have likely killed others. It lead to an acceptance of the Moroi assisting us in battles. You're so strong, Roza. It's not your fault."

I stared at him, unable to believe that this man, this incredible, incredible man, could completely change what I had so firmly believed a few moments ago. That he could rid me of my guilt with only a few simple words. "I really do love you," I said and kissed him, breathless with my newfound freedom. He threaded his hands through my hair, but this time it didn't bring me back to reality. This was my reality and his touch only solidified what I already knew. Dimitri loved me. He really, really loved me. And even if I had been the cause of his suffering, I knew that our love could have overcome my guilt. I knew that he would have forgiven me.

He pulled back slightly so that he could see my face and cupped my cheeks in his warm hands, breathless. "You're so foolish, Roza." I was breathless too, but I smiled and leaned back to kiss him. His mouth opened against mine as our tongues danced against each other. I was intoxicated by the taste of his mouth and the feel of his skin as his hands slipped under my shirt to rest on my bare back as mine did the same.

There wasn't a whisper of air between our bodies, which were pressed as close as physically possible. My senses were overwhelmed by his proximity as I smelled the electrifying combination of his cologne, aftershave, and a hint of sweat, which should have smell gross, but somehow everything about Dimitri was dead sexy.

I somehow found the strength to pull back and rested my head against his chest, breathless. He positioned his cheek against the top of my head while his hands stroked my sides, threatening to ignite the passion coursing through my body. But we were still technically in public, and had to remain professional, difficult as it was. Dimitri was clearly unable to control himself around me, so, in cases like these, I had to remain strong.

"Thank you," I said, smiling up at him.

"I love you." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my temple. We stood in that position for several moments, relishing the feel of the sun on our bodies, his lips still on my forehead. "So," he said.

"So," I repeated.

"Would you do it again?" He asked, echoing the question that had been plaguing my mind.

I shook my head. "I don't know, Dimitri. I guess I realize now that everything wasn't my fault. I know you guys all made your decisions. But that doesn't change the fact that I could have stopped it. Stopped all the pain we went through. But I know my decision did cause good too. I… just don't know."

"Rose, you don't have to know. It's alright."

"I know that too. You're here, so everything's alright."

Dimitri grinned. "Are you getting sappy and sentimental on me, Roza?"

"Don't you know it," I said as he leaned down to kiss the side of my neck. "But at least you don't have to worry about me getting senile before you."

"And now we're using fancy SAT words, huh?" His lips blazed a trail up to my jawline.

"More like words that begin with the letter s. Lissa's taking a creative writing class at Lehigh, and we're studying alliteration." His lips were almost at my mouth, and I gently extracted myself from his arms. If this went any further, we wouldn't be stopping. "Excuse me Dimitri, I have official guardian business that needs to be attended to."

He raised an eyebrow. "I think this counts as guardian business, Roza. See, we're guardians, and what we do is our business."

I shook my head. "Sorry, Comrade. Rose-logic only works when I use it."

He laughed. "Fine. What are you going to do?"

"Punch dear Lord Ozera in the face."

"Rose…" he said, a warning in his voice.

"Don't worry Comrade. I won't do anything that will leave lasting damage," I said jokingly. I pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and he raised his eyebrows as I walked off.

I think he knew I wasn't actually going to punch Christian. Despite the doubt his question imbued, I knew he had good intentions, or at least had selfish intentions. I also knew that he wasn't actually aware of the lengths I had gone to get Dimitri back. He hadn't been there when we went to Tarasov, and he certainly didn't know what had transpired in Russia. He was ignorant and asked a question that I wasn't ready to answer yet, leading to my impulsive feelings of guilt. But I had Dimitri, who had the power to convince me of my innocence.

So I'd go talk to Christian and apologize. Then I'd retrieve the report I forgot on my desk and go home to Dimitri where… certain activities were waiting to be continued.

Thank you for reading! Please leave a review if you feel so inclined. :)

If you want to see any specific prompts, leave a review or shoot me a PM and I'll try to work on it. I'm game for anything.

Disclaimers: I do not own anything recognizable from Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy series. Rights to the cover image of this story belong to sparrowksenia. Image found via HerRoyalGuardian (website). Image posted on September 17, 2013.