Not Trivial
Between Alec's mood and the general lack of excitement at the party, Magnus almost—almost—welcomed the diversion that Camille's disappearance had caused. Still, he was somewhat reluctant to go and would probably have refused had Alec not practically shoved him out the door. He know followed meekly at Isabelle's heels, wondering idly about his boyfriend.
Alec. Out of all of Magnus's partners—male, female, human or warlock or vampire—Alec was the one who confused him the most. And confusion was not an emotion that Magnus liked feeling. He preferred confident. He liked being-on-top-of-things and knowing all the answers. He appreciated feeling witty. But confusion? Not so much. He was too old to be confused. He should have everything worked out my now, what with all the people he'd known and places he'd gone. He should know everything, or almost. He should not be confused.
And yet, here was Alec, baffling him. Confusing him.
Alec had been uptight during their trip already, often staring moodily into the distance or finding excuses to hide in his room, sending Magnus out alone to fine souvenirs. The first few weeks had been grand—Alec had been on top of the world after coming out. Suddenly he didn't have a secret to hide anymore. But after that…Magnus didn't know what had gotten into the boy.
Honestly, Magnus couldn't put his finger on why he liked Alec in the first place. Certainly he was attractive, but there was more to it than that. Even with the dark hair and blue eyes—Magnus's favorite combination—he had something different. Something more.
It was rare that Magnus liked someone the way he did Alec. Very rare. Most of his partners were only half-serious, if they were serious at all. Most took to Magnus for his wit, his looks. Most didn't care so much what he was like as a person. Never really loved him. And mostly, Magnus felt the same towards them. A little fun, a little play, nothing more.
But Alec…Alec. Alec cared. Alec loved him, even though he was a warlock. Even though, in the eyes of some, he was a monster. And Alec understood, to some extent, how alone Magnus really was.
He didn't like to admit it, how lonely he was. He pretended to be happy, to live for himself. Sometimes he pretended so well that he convinced his own self. Sometimes he was slightly surprised when he took off the makeup and glitter and felt the loneliness crashing down again.
It was hard, very hard, hiding it all away. Tucking it beneath glitter and hairspray and multi-colored silk-lined leather pants and parties and banter and magic. He gotten used to it over the years, but it didn't get any easier. It never got any easier. He got very tired of it, but he didn't have a choice.
Magnus did not have friends. He had acquaintances, yes. Many of them. They were useful for many things, and connections are always good. But to the Shadowhunters he was just another warlock, to be used and hired but never befriended, and to the Downworlders he was that "friend of the Shadowhunters", one of "those warlocks". Some despised him for it. No one liked him. No one liked him but Alec.
Really, Alec was all he had. Alec was the only one who truly loved him for who he was. Young, and moody, and sometimes hotheaded and stubborn, Alec was his only friend in the world. The boy would never believe him, of course. In Alec's eyes, Magnus had more friends than anyone could possibly want. And on top of that, Magnus had immortality. He never had to worry about going off and dying before he could see his family again, the way Alec did. He could watch from afar and work magic and have fun and live forever.
Magnus didn't want to break Alec's illusion. The only thing he wanted was for Alec to be happy. Because, as he'd said—although Alec probably did not believe him—Alec was not trivial.