…
You're a monster!
Erwin Smith has been awake for some time. He should be up by now; he should be at the mess hall having breakfast with the rest of the corps. But he isn't. He is on his bed, curled up on his right side with half of his face buried in the pillow and his dull blue eye staring into nothing. He is not quite ready to face another day.
The Survey Corps just got back from an expedition yesterday and as usual, the death count was high. They had to endure the jeers from the locals while they are on the way back to headquarters and most of it was directed to him.
My son! Where is my son? Give me back my son!
Again? Just give up already! You're just wasting our resources!
What have you guys achieved other than feeding the titans?!
You're just throwing away the lives of your soldiers! You call yourself a Commander?
Don't you have any regrets? You're a monster!
The words kept on playing on repeat in Erwin's mind.
… What have I done? How did it ended up like this?
All the sacrifices that I've made. I lost my first love, she ended up marrying my best friend. I gave it up for this. I ended up all alone. I've been working so hard. I've lost many of my comrades. And what have I achieved? Nothing. All I've done was throwing away the lives of my soldiers to the titans.
No one will understand what he has been through. On the surface he is a strong Commander, never showing his emotions. It is like as if he is wearing a mask. But deep down beneath the mask, he is slowly breaking apart. He knows it. But he can't break in front of his comrades, he can't show it. He just had to hold on.
How long more do I have to hide? I'm tired...
Everyone just blames me for what happened...
No one understands, no one...
What is also haunting him is the guilt of causing his father's death. Sometimes he wondered, how life would be like if his father is still around. Will he happy? He remembered those times when he was still a kid, sitting beside his father in the living room, happily listening to the stories that his father had to tell. But he doesn't dare to dwell on thought for too long, he doesn't deserve to be happy, after all he is a useless son.
And now everyone in the Survey Corps is fighting for the sake of humanity, not him. He is just doing it for his dream. All those great speeches that he had made, it is just to motivate-no, deceive his subordinates, so that they will be able to help him to achieve his dream of finding the truth. He is just a selfish bastard. He doesn't deserve anything good, all he deserves is a place in hell.
They're right.
I am a monster.
A single tear escaped from his left eye, and it brought him back to reality. He closes his eyes, took a deep breath and sat up on the bed, looking out of the window. He could see soldiers leaving the mess hall, on the way to their training. He should be going too. There is work to be done. He had made it this far, he can't just give up yet.
Just hold on, just for a bit longer.
Wiping the tear away, Erwin got out of bed and starts to get dressed into his uniform. He will have to come up with an excuse for his absence at breakfast. Maybe he will just say that he had some urgent paperwork that had to be done, as usual. He can't let anyone know what just happened to him, he won't show his weakness.
As he was putting on his jacket, there was a knock on his door. He had a feeling he knew who it was on the other side.
"Oi Erwin, are you going to sleep for the whole day?" It was Levi.
Erwin walked over and opened the door. There stood Levi, tapping his feet impatiently, holding a tray with a bowl of bread and a cup of tea.
"Finally decided to get your ass up huh? You weren't at breakfast, figured that you might overslept or something so I brought this up. You need this."
Levi walked past Erwin and into the room and set the tray down on the bedside table.
Levi knows. Every morning after the expeditions Erwin will not appear for breakfast. After which Erwin would give lame excuses like he was busying himself with some urgent paperwork that has to be done. Levi had suspected that Erwin was lying at first and his suspicion grew when he saw Erwin with slightly teary eyes one morning after an expedition.
Levi knows. He knows how people have been treating him. It is not his fault that people gets eaten by titans. He did his best; he created the formation so that they will be able to avoid the titans as much as possible. But the threat is still there. People just don't understand and decided to put the blame on him. However, Erwin doesn't show any signs of being affected by it. And there is never a look of defeat seen on his face. Even when they've failed their mission, Erwin would continue moving on. Erwin is a strong man, at least on the surface. Then again, even the strongest would break. He kept his emotions bottled up inside. He had to, he is the Commander and people are relying on him. Levi got a feeling that Erwin has been spending the morning burying himself in misery in bed. Levi is not going to ask as he knew Erwin wouldn't admit it, he is not a man to show his weakness in front of his subordinates, not even to Levi.
Levi doesn't know what to do. Sometimes he just wants to slap Erwin, to slap him out of it. But at the same time he is afraid that he afraid he might cause Erwin more grief. So here he is, doing the small little things, bringing food up for him, hoping it will help, hoping that Erwin will realize that he is not alone.
Turning around, Levi noticed that Erwin is still standing at the door, looking at him.
"Tch. How long are you going to stand there for? Hurry up and eat, didn't you always said that you have lots of paperwork to do?" Levi snapped.
Levi had his usual boring face on. But what Erwin noticed was a hint of concern in Levi's eyes and he gets it. Every morning after the expedition when he would bury himself in guilt, Levi would turn up outside his bedroom with breakfast. Levi never does this to anyone else, only to Erwin. It is like his way of showing concern and comfort but Levi will never admit it because he doesn't show his affection easily.
Erwin realized that he is not alone. Even if the whole world blames him and hates him, he will still have Levi by his side, supporting him. Tears threatened to escape from his eyes but he closes them, stopping them from coming out. He doesn't know what he had done to deserve this from Levi but he is thankful. He wished he could to pour his heart out, to let Levi know how he felt, that he is just a human. He wants to be held and comforted. But now is not the time and he probably doesn't deserve the comfort. This is enough.
"Thank you, Levi."